Thank you for joining me on this ten-month dive into the pervasive tendency to avoid disappointing others. The journey has been illuminating for me, allowing a window into some of the complex ways we maneuver through relationships. I can honestly say that I have so much more appreciation for what people must overcome to stay loyal to themselves and speak up. As we discovered, there are potent messages to confront, inherent risks to face, and a lot of pain to sift through in the process. Here’s what we explored:
Potent Myths
Risking disappointing others requires challenging numerous myths about relationships that we may not have recognized or thought through before. These emphasize caretaking, self-sacrifice, and loyalty. To upset someone means something has gone horribly wrong. Rather than challenge the myths, the assumption is that going against the grain is somehow a character flaw. Stepping out of this mess means realizing that shame-induced obedience is harmful. It means figuring out that the healthy alternative is to do exactly what you are told is wrong. These messages can be deeply embedded and heavily reinforced by friends and loved ones.
Being Different is Risky
Most times, these myths have grown out of experience. Those who have avoided disappointing others will have good reasons for doing so. Speaking up may have evoked angry cascades of insults, tears that evoke a sense of obligation and guilt, hostile silences, withdrawal of affection, and punishment. Some have dealt with people who are so cruel and dangerous that speaking up can be literally life-threatening. Whether subtle or overt, all of these experiences send a strong message that to being an independent person means risking the loss of love, acceptance, and safety. I want to reiterate, consider the context, determine benefits and risks, seek wise counsel, and trust your intuition. Whatever direction makes sense, rest assured that you have made the best choice available to you.
Grieving What Has Been Lost
Between the experiences themselves and the messages that have been embedded in the psyche, exposing all of this is painful. There is huge discomfort when it becomes apparent just how much these myths/expectations have cost. Authenticity has been sacrificed to make sure no one was made uncomfortable by your differences. Honesty has been compromised, creating a barrier to greater emotional depth and connection. It becomes harder and harder to know what is personally important or someone else’s expectation. If self-esteem and self-awareness are intact, resentment is highly likely. Even health can be impacted. Going along to get along will eventually whittle away physical health (disease is really dis-ease) and emotional well-being.
Needed Skills
Given life-experience, it is understandable if there is minimal foundation for how to proceed in a new, empowered way. If the myths are inaccurate, what is the healthy way? How does one formulate a strong response? If running out of the room screaming is not an option, what does it feel like to be centered and strong? What can be done when the relationship becomes fragile or distant? How can sanity be retained?
The good news is that this habitual dynamic of avoiding disappointing others can change with awareness, intention, skills, and support. One can unlearn what has been learned (did I just quote Yoda?) The very losses that have been painful to face can turn into powerful motivators for moving into new territory. Skills can be developed to weather the emotional and relational storms, and over time, success will quiet the anxiety and grow confidence. With the new goal, you can work towards building relationships based in honesty, respect, and a celebration of individuality.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
Anais Nin
** Please feel free to utilize the reflections, information, and strategies presented in previous articles:
- Part 1: The Quest: Determining What is So Terrifying About Disappointment
- Part 2: Fear of Disappointing Others- Disappointment Defined
- Part 3: Fear of Disappointing Others- When Helping is Harmful
- Part 4: Fear of Disappointing Others- Hoping the Problem Will Just Go Away
- Part 5: Fear of Disappointing Others- Dealing with the Consequences
- Part 6: Fear of Disappointing Others- Misplaced Responsibility
- Part 7: Fear of Disappointing Others- Insufficient Ways to Deal with Distress