Part 3: Fear of Disappointing Others – When Helping Is Harmful

It is understandable that we want to be empathic and caring toward each other and do what we can to prevent causing another pain. This is not just a value system; it is hardwired into our very being! 

Through my exploration on this topic, I came across some fascinating facts that I can’t help but share: the Stanford Vision and Neuro-Development Lab found that 14-18-month-old babies are likely to pick up something for someone without prompting.  Four months later, many babies have developed a form of empathy, bringing a toy or a treat the other has shown to have enjoyed in the past, even if it is different from their preferences!  At the University of Washington’s Institute for Learning & Brain Sciences, researchers found that altruism was seen in nearly 100 19-month-olds.  Children, even when hungry, gave a tasty snack to a stranger in need!

When it comes to disappointment, our altruism tends to be preventative. We avoid the topic to prevent discomfort in the other person. In times we express concern, we recant if the other person becomes upset. These choices have good intentions, just like the babies mentioned above. However, there are times our desire to keep the other person comfortable has the exact opposite effect of being helpful.

Our problem lies in the basic fact that pain signals that something needs our attention. If we act as if nothing is taking place, there is no ability to address the issue. This has significant consequences. First, we can’t be honest. Being “nice” in these instances means pretending to feel content/happy when we are not. One person denies, the other person does not know that they are not dealing with the reality of what is happening in the relationship. Second, avoiding the issue lets it fester. As our needs or concerns go unaddressed, resentment builds, we become more closed off, and the connection takes on a superficial quality. To have honest connections, we will not always be warm and fuzzy. Sometimes true support means allowing distress to be a wakeup call.  It lets us each recognize that we are separate people who must negotiate how to be in a relationship. We also owe it to one another to stop harmful, irresponsible behavior.

While it is not helpful to avoid necessary discomfort, it is also important not to cause unnecessary pain. We can be honest and kind at the same time. It is already going to be hard for the other person. They may have to deal with shock of blind spots uncovered. There might be shame that emerges if their intentions/values do not match their actions. Then there is the natural struggle against the limits we don’t like to admit are part of life. Clearly, there is a lot of important, humbling work being done in this exchange. Let’s do our best to deliver the message in a respectful, sensitive way.

***Please note that there are inherent risks in speaking up. If there are safety concerns or if the risks far outweigh the benefits, it is important to take these factors into consideration. If your intuition warns you, it is important to listen and choose wisely.

Journal exercise:

  • What messages have you been told about disappointing others?
  • Are these messages you would pass on to others? Why/why not?
  • What is the perceived benefit of protecting the other from disappointment?
  • What is at stake if you take the risk to speak up?
  • When you stay silent to avoid distress, what is the impact on you? On the other person? On the relationship?
  • What is needed for you to be able to set boundaries, address concerns, etc.?
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