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Cultivating the Tough Mind and Tender Heart
Lately, it has been a heavy, painful stretch. Whether you’ve been sitting in shock after reading about the horrific sexual violence at Cornell University, navigating political changes that feel relentlessly upsetting, or feeling a sickening twist in your gut hearing endless public rhetoric that cuts people down and dehumanizes individuals—it is a lot.
So many people walking into my Wheat Ridge office right now describe the exact same experience: feeling prickly when out among people, bracing for something ugly to break next, or carrying upsetting news that feels nearly impossible to process. I want to offer you a moment of assurance: you are not overreacting. This is a natural, deeply human response to a hard chapter in our collective lives.
I know I’ve written about this in the past, but sometimes, things are worth revisiting. Let’s take this moment not as a prison sentence to suffer through, but as an invitation to become strong, resilient, and determined. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. spoke of the essential balance of combining a “tough mind” with a “tender heart.” Being on autopilot where our distress takes over does not serve us —it pulls us into pure reactivity, leaving us blown around like tumbleweeds in a storm rather than rooted in a foundation of true strength and response-ability.
Here is how we face this moment together, with quiet purpose, fortitude, and a softening grace:
Turn Your Face Forward
Hard moments strip away our comforting illusions—be it about our level of control, our naivete, or our tendency to cling to the familiar. Rather than reaching for false security or shutting down into numb detachment, take a breath. Square your shoulders, hold your head up, and straighten your spine. Be intentional. Be right here. You can stand tall without having to turn to stone.
Refuse the Rage Bait. Practice W.A.I.T.
Ask yourself: How can I be part of the solution rather than feeding the noise? In my own life, I regularly use the acronym W.A.I.T. — Why Am I Talking? (or Why Am I Typing?). If my words or actions do not serve to make the world better—or if they only feed my own bitterness and resentment—I work (sometimes really hard) to let them go. Let’s protect our bandwidth for emotions and actions that build strength, foster true understanding, and lead to meaningful change.
Notice Your Reaction with Soft Compassion
Bring warm, non-judgmental awareness to your internal experience. Remember: the person struggling inside you is simply a human being navigating something overwhelming and painful. This isn’t the time for self-criticism; it is the time for compassion backed by strength. It’s possible to hold space for your own pain without letting it run the show.
Intentionally Center Your Nervous System
Much like a trained first responder, practice the somatic skills needed in the middle of a crisis. Feel the solid ground beneath your feet. Find your long, slow exhale. Send a message to your body that it’s possible to do hard things.
Remember Where You End and the World Begins
You are not responsible for carrying the entirety of national or global distress on your shoulders. Draw a clean psychological boundary. Reconnect with your core values, your inherent basic goodness, and the real, tangible human beings living right in your neighborhood. Real impact happens close to home, person to person.
Choose Your Response
Consider thoughtfully how you want to move forward. Next week, that includes finding your voice through your ballot.
I believe deeply in our capacity to look at this hard moment not as something that breaks us, but as an opportunity to become wiser, stronger, more compassionate, and far more capable together.
Time Away, Part II: The Power of Rest
In my last post, I shared that I pushed against the river- trying to control outcomes and cling to the familiar- I finally hit a wall and took three weeks to completely step back. It became so much more than a pause; I recalibrated.
Finding Self-Compassion and Quiet
I first stepped away into the quiet of the mountains—away from screens, schedules, and daily demands. On a hike during those early days, I found myself climbing through small spaces between massive boulders, unsure where I’d emerge—a physical metaphor for how I’d been navigating worries and hurdles, just hoping to pop out where the sun might find me. But later on, a ferret-like bundle of adorableness put things in perspective. I watched this little thing carry a fish the size of its body across a patch of grass. It let me know- it’s possible to do big things.
The turning point came at the river. I waded in and dunked myself into the biting cold water. When I emerged, it felt as though a compassionate hand had gently wiped off the grime of my senses. The frantic internal dialogue that had been running in the background for months went quiet. A sweet sense of peace washed over me. My body and mind were being heard and respected—and because of that, they could finally rest.
Rediscovering Play
Once the white noise cleared, I sampled from the buffet of simple living, savoring quiet moments. Additionally, I watched hummingbirds hover in the afternoon light. I worked on puzzles, practiced archery with my bow and arrows, and went on slow, agenda-free walks. There was nothing quite as sweet as paddleboarding on the glassy, quiet waters of Stanley Lake. Drifting near the edges of eagle territory, mountain ranges framed the horizon. The stillness carried a sense of peace as the light softened the scenery. With minimal interaction with others, I was learning to enjoy my own company and, like the trees around me, learning to simply be.
Renewed Intention
During the final days, I deliberately explored a better way to resurface. Through books, art, listening to wise voices, and my own intuition, a few important messages kept coming up:
- Refuse to cooperate with worry. Fear screams. Wisdom whispers.
- Be brave. Accept who you are, let go of what is not yours, and find what is possible.
- The divine is a tree away.
- Rethink effort– does this further my path? Does this have benefit? If not, clear it out.
- Whatever you do, be kind, playful, curious, intentional, and loving.
An Invitation to Take a Breath
If you are reading this while running on absolute emotional fumes, consider this your friendly, compassionate nudge to pause. We live in a culture that treats rest like a luxury reward you only get after finishing an endless to-do list. But rest isn’t a trophy for productivity—it is the baseline requirement for staying human, creative, and connected.
What might happen if you gave yourself permission to step back—even for a single afternoon, an evening, or an unhurried walk in the woods? When you stop managing outcomes and allow yourself to simply exist, you make room to:
Hear Your Own System: Your body is constantly sending memos, emails, and sometimes full marching band performances to let you know what it needs. Stepping back allows you to listen before a burnout forces a collapse.
Come Back to Your Senses: Constant overstimulation dulls our capacity to savor life. Resting wipes the grime off the window so color, warmth, and simple pleasures can return.
Discover What’s Waiting: When you stop clinging to control, you open up space for curiosity, play, and quiet wisdom to whisper what comes next.
You don’t need to head into the wilderness or pause your whole life to begin. Start by stepping away from the screen, putting your feet on the grass, taking a slow breath, and asking yourself: What does my mind, body, and soul need right now? Sometimes the bravest, most productive thing you can do is simply stop, listen, and savor a chance to just ‘be’.
Taking Time Away, Part 1
You know that old saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink?” Well, apparently, I have been a horse for months. My mind and body had been dropping not-so-subtle hints that I needed a major break, but I was too busy being busy, with plenty of elaborate explanations, excellent justifications, and probably a few backup excuses just in case.
Personally, I am both cursed and blessed with an impressive ability to “appear normal,” which is basically compartmentalizing with a smile. This only helped me ignore the problem. I also had several forms of self-care that looked very responsible on paper. Unfortunately, self-care was just a smidge below what I needed to replenish. To absolutely no one’s surprise, all of this eventually stopped working.
I know I am not alone in this. Somewhere along the way, self-worth, security, productivity, and even freedom has become equated with worth. Doing more seems like proof of being okay. I am not saying work, goals, or accomplishment are bad things; they can be meaningful, energizing, and even joyful. However, there is also so much more. Relationships, hobbies, play, time outside, creativity, movement, learning, novelty— are all important too. Even when we love what we do, imbalance can quietly eat away at our health and sanity.
Let’s identify some of the signs that tell us when it is time to take a big pause and truly unplug:
Physical
- Exhaustion/depletion– this becomes a state of being that does not politely leave after a long weekend or earlier bedtimes. Those efforts may prevent sliding further downhill, but they are a long way from restoring sparkle.
- Sleep Disturbances- a full night’s sleep becomes something other people get, like tax refunds or perfectly ripe avocados. There is often inability to turn off for the day. Even if the mind is quiet, the body is revved. Routine, stretching, distraction, podcasts, and breathing, etc. help intermittently, but do not impact the overall trend.
- Changes in Appetite- stress, whether chronic or acute, can do strange things to hunger cues. For some, appetite disappears; for others, there is a temptation to pull up a chair next to the pantry. Of course, there may be a blend of the two, leading to nutritional mayhem.
Emotional/Mental
- Cynicism- oh, that relentless negative lens that causes attention to only land on what is wrong or disappointing. The ability to savor or see the good in things feels out of reach. When severe, positive people are deemed naïve, obnoxiously chipper, and nearly intolerable.
- Detached- the brain creates mental distance to protect an already overwhelmed system. Unfortunately, it also means the positive gets dulled too. It is like watching life rather than being a participant.
- Sense of failure/doubt– this one is sneaky. Depending on how long it has been going on, it can mirror low self-esteem. A clue that it is really burnout in disguise is that it eases when you get meaningful rest. Honestly, it makes sense. When effort does not change the overall experience and just getting by takes so much energy, confidence understandably wobbles.
- Brain Fog- the mind is burdened with energetic white noise so executive functioning gets compromised. This means that concentration, memory, and decision making are all effected. It may impact the ability to find words or complete thoughts. Personally, I have lived with some degree of this due to long-term Covid, but this was “extra”. My poor hubby had to bring incredible patience to our conversations because I frequently forgot what I was talking about. I regularly played hide-and-seek with my stuff. Despite having apps to help, I still found a pair of shoes out in the grass and my keys in the pantry. I still have hope that I’ll find my eyeglasses.
Behavioral Signs
- Procrastination: tasks that used to feel manageable now require a project manager. Starting something feels hard; finishing something feels like a small miracle.
- Withdrawal: isolation becomes the most sensible option when energy is in short supply, interactions feel hollow, and the inner cynic has taken over. Staying tucked away can seem less like avoidance and more like protection for all involved.
- Increased Irritability: I AM NOT IRRITABLE! HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH A THING?!?!?
- Checking out: coping mechanisms increasingly include substance use (think alcohol or chocolate), mindless distractions, or general forms of numbing. Things go by the wayside like the existence of family and pets, chores, commitments, anniversaries, the burning dinner on the stove…..
With the encouragement of my support team and proverbial hitting a wall, I did it- I took a break. At the end of July, I completely stepped back for three weeks. Profound thanks to the lovely people who picked up the slack I was inevitably leaving behind and incredibly understanding clients who waited. All were patient, a few said they were inspired by my example, and a couple people have taken steps to do the same.
Next month, I’ll share some of the things that came out of this time away for it ended up being much more than rest. Meanwhile, if your body has been sending little memos, urgent emails, or perhaps a full marching band performance trying to get your attention, consider this your friendly nudge to listen. Rest is not a reward for finally finishing everything; it is part of how we keep being able to show up for the people, work, and life we care about. Sometimes the bravest, wisest, most productive thing we can do is stop, step back, and really, seriously, fully rest.
Communication Buster: Defending Our Ego
Ahhhh- communication. The endeavor that brings out the best and the worst in us. When we are with comfortable company, sharing and relaxed, things seem easy. But when there are differences or there might be an issue surfacing, things get a lot more complicated. A major problem is that our self-protective mechanisms come online, where old wounds get poked, or there is fear that new ones are being formed. Our mindset becomes rigid, the ability to listen dramatically decreases, and we internally dig in for a fight.
Ego Wounds
A particularly potent difficulty arises when our perceived sense of self gets challenged. Whether real or imagined, all attention goes to defending our honor to ensure no negative narratives gain footing. Sometimes, it is an error in translation, when our fears, insecurities, or past experiences quietly rewrite another person’s words into something harsher than what was actually said. Instead of hearing a preference, observation, or requests, the ego translates it as criticism, rejection, or proof that we are somehow wrong. For example, “I prefer a different style of cooking,” is heard as: “The way you do things is wrong.”
Other times, we really did act in a way that was hurtful or disappointing to someone. In fairness, it is common that the other person addresses these moments with unflattering labels, an inaccurate story, or harshness. Feedback comes across as being on trial rather than in an opportunity to work through something. If we are really triggered, it can seem like the whole relationship is in jeopardy. What was said, “When we were at the party, you were a jerk and ignored me.” That becomes, “You’re a horrible person and I don’t know if I want to be around you.” In a flash, we ignore the other’s hurt, focus only on the label, and feel compelled to refute them.
The Antidote(s)
What I am about to say is easier said than done because our knee-jerk responses are potent! As I mentioned, the core issue is that our sense of identity has blended with the other person’s perception. If your sense of self is strong, it decreases the potential of reacting to someone else’s distress as an absolute truth or something you must defend. Instead, it’s possible to talk through what is at the heart of their statements and figure out how to move forward.
Step 1: Know Thyself
It helps to step away from the noise of other people’s opinions and get clear about what you actually believe about yourself. Name it all: strengths, vulnerabilities, convictions, and imperfections. I hope you leave room to remember that you are so much more than those components. There is always your basic goodness. You can be both deeply good and flawed. When that goodness is not up for debate, it becomes much easier to look honestly at the rest. Then, when a hard conversation pokes at old wounds or stirs up fear, you have something solid to return to.
Step 2: Develop In-the-Moment Awareness
This is the ability to move back and forth between two states: the first is the experience of the moment; the other is the ability to notice it. Consider setting a specific time in the day to work on this when the situation is neutral. For example, during a walk, notice how this impacts mood and physical sensations. With time, it’s possible to get good at moving back and forth between these two experiences. The next step is to bring awareness to emotionally charged situations. Periodically, take a slow, deep breath and check in with yourself. If you are absorbing the other’s distress and tempted to respond in kind, interrupting, agitated, or talking fast, notice what is getting activated.
Step 3: Establish and Maintain Clear Psychological Boundaries
Be clear where you end and another person begins. You are only responsible for your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors; not the other person’s. This might mean accepting that you have limits and cannot meet every need. If they become upset, remember to keep their reactions distinct from your own. There may be differences to acknowledge and live with. No one is right/wrong; there are just differences. There may be difficulties the other person is dealing with. You do not have to fix or be responsible for this. Each person has their own journey to go on, their own pace, and their own consequences.
Step 4: Stay Connected and Curious
If you can keep your boundaries clean, it is much easier to stay in a stance of curiosity and connection. Listen openly to the message (rather than the delivery), separate fact from feeling, ask clarifying questions, and get at the heart of the issue or feedback. Remember, their input does not define you; it is simply information. Once there is shared understanding, either in the moment or after a break, respond from that grounded sense of self you worked so hard to claim.
In the end, the work is not to become someone who never gets defensive. We are human and can only do our best. The work is to notice when your ego feels threatened and you’re tempted to protect yourself. With practice, you can notice these moments and gently return to yourself before the conversation gets away from you. From that steadier place, you can listen without surrendering your dignity, take responsibility without collapsing into shame, and stay connected without losing yourself. That is where real communication begins.
Executive Order Regarding Psychedelics
On April 18th, President Trump signed an executive order intended to accelerate research of the medical use of psychedelics, including a call to the FDA to expedite consideration for those medicines that meet certain criteria. People are buzzing at the news, marking a shift in attitudes towards the use of psychedelics as a treatment for those suffering from major mental health issues like PTSD and treatment-resistant depression. So, what the heck does this mean moving forward?
For many in the field—like the people at the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS)—there’s a sense of hopeful caution in the air. On one hand, we could be looking at a future where these promising therapies are available more quickly to those who need them most. That could mean more funding, fresh research, and guidelines grounded in real data, helping shape smarter policies and safer practices. Since each psychedelic works a bit differently, expanding the toolbox might give clinicians more ways to help their clients. Plus, as old stereotypes start to fade, there’s a chance these treatments will be appreciated as valid options for healing.
On the other hand, there are things to watch out for, too. If decisions are made too quickly, there’s a risk that patient safety could fall through the cracks or that psychedelic treatments might hit the market before we really know how well they work. There is the potential for the rush to overlook the importance of careful therapeutic support, which is key to the best outcomes. Without clear rules and guidance, those working in psychedelic research and clinical settings could be left to navigate many gray areas.
Most importantly, great care must be exercised when big business is knocking on the door. Some indigenous people have been stewards of these powerful medicines and they must be included in this unfolding process, including how to engage in wise harvesting practices. Otherwise, we risk repeating colonial patterns of cultural appropriation and biopiracy. It would be tragic to take something sacred, strip it from its context and people, and package it into just another product on the shelves.
So in a nutshell, the Executive Order bolsters ongoing efforts to research psychedelic medicines and promote accessibility and safety. At the same time, it will take wisdom, patience, and collaboration to continue the legacy of respect and stewardship.
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The Transgender Day of Visibility
Today is the Transgender Day of Visibility, a chance to recognize and celebrate the lives of transgender and non-binary people. I am especially inspired by the community during this time in our nation’s history as they continue to bravely fight for a legitimized place in our society. At a time when prejudice and hate are being openly sanctioned by powerful people, being genuine and visible are acts of rebellion.
As a way to honor this day and this community, please consider doing the following:
Educate: learn more about trans people and the realities/issues they face. Advocates for Trans Quality is a great place to start!
Celebrate: enjoy some inspiring stories shared by the Center on Colfax.
Act: consider donating or volunteering:
The Trans Continental Pipeline
Avoiding Food Fights and Other Holiday Hostilities
It may be difficult to look forward to holiday get togethers. There is already the anticipation of the uncle who talks with his mouth full, grandma who smells like she put on all of Macy’s perfumes in the store, and dreaded pearl onions. This season, conversations might be extra challenging because of the political climate and the amount of polarization. Our entrenched views and the tendency to approach differences like a debate makes gatherings especially rife for conflict. Here are a few suggestions to help you navigate loaded topics while preserving good will and connection.
Be the Best Version of Yourself
My hope is that no matter how anyone else behaves, you can look at yourself in the mirror the next day and feel good about how you showed up. As author Terrance Real cautions, no one gains in the barf-bag approach to intimacy, where we say whatever we want believing it is being authentic. Instead, let’s respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively. Embrace patience and kindness, keeping in mind that each person is a human being with vulnerabilities and tender places. Strive to maintain a positive attitude that promotes respectful and meaningful interactions.
Maintain Perspective
Ideally, holiday gatherings are about community, celebrating meaningful traditions, enjoying delicious food, and sharing some laughs. Pause and consider: is this conversation truly helpful? For instance, are you gaining a better understanding of someone else’s viewpoint, or is this just a back-and-forth power struggle? Will the discussion leave a positive impression tomorrow? If not, it may be wise to gently steer the discussion back to what matters- enjoying the holidays and each other.
Keep It Respectful
Just as no one enjoys a holiday meal seasoned with snark or backhanded jokes, there’s no need to “grin and bear it” if things get out of hand. When humor crosses the line or the conversation turns cutting, don’t hesitate to set some boundaries—after all, a good gathering shouldn’t come at the expense of anyone’s dignity. If you feel comfortable, gently point out that a comment wasn’t quite in the holiday spirit and ask to keep things respectful. Sometimes addressing it head-on doesn’t feel safe or doable. You can always opt for a softer touch. Offer a neutral reply like, “That’s one way to see it,” or “Interesting,” or simply redirect the conversation. If all else fails, excusing yourself is always an option.
Get Curious
This attitude is the greatest antidote to certainty and judgement. If there is a desire for meaningful conversation, show genuine interest. Ask open-ended questions and invite others to share about their experiences and perspectives. Fully listen to their responses, resisting the desire to prepare a rebuttal. Invite deeper exploration rather than seeking quick agreement or judgment. I especially love hearing personal stories that moves past trading facts and instead build up shared understanding. When you lead with curiosity, you open the door to deeper connections, even when the topics are tough.
In today’s divided world, holiday gatherings can feel more daunting than ever due to the divisive climate. This guide reminds us to show up as our best selves, handle loaded topics with patience and kindness, and keep focus on our intentions. By respecting boundaries, maintaining perspective, and nurturing curiosity, we can navigate even the trickiest moments and savor the spirit of the season together.