I was having a casual conversation with a grandfather who loved his role through and through. As he talked about his delight spending time with his granddaughter, he mentioned, with a smile, that he could not say “no” to her. “If she gets a sad face or starts to cry, I just can’t stand it.” It was clear that he thought giving in was a sign of love. He had no idea that his inability to tolerate her distress and stand firm with healthy boundaries could have major implications. My mind had big yellow lights signaling WARNING, WARNING! What came out of my mouth was “Please, be careful.”
This approach to relationships is nothing new to me. It is something I must address every time I teach a class on assertiveness. I am used to people literally squirming when they practice speaking up, but this man was not in distress. He was making a proud declaration. After this conversation I began to pay attention to how many people feel and behave in such a way. What my observations revealed- the desire to avoid disappointment is pervasive. Something is clearly at work that is so painful and deemed so bad that human beings are willing to negate what we need and sometimes who we are to keep the peace or avoid upsetting someone.
What I have read with an initial scan has been anything but illuminating. Articles from various sources have some solid behavioral steps to take, but I fear they are either superficial or unsustainable. Something this entrenched will have deep roots and tons of complexities at work. What I can say, with certainty, is I know there is a lot I don’t know on this subject. When I am preaching assertiveness, I want to truly understand with great respect and compassion what I’m inviting someone to courageously face/overcome in the processes. So I have set out on a quest- to truly understand our human struggle with disappointment. Some of the questions I hope to answer:
- What are we really afraid of?
- What is the difference between necessary and unnecessary disappointment?
- What meanings are attached to disappointment?
- What helps bolster resiliency and tolerance?
- Are there any key differences between being disappointed versus disappointing others? I tend to see people choose the former rather than deal with the latter.
Here’s to stepping out to see what we can learn together.