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Is it Really Guilt?

“It’s my fault.”  Someone feels bad about what happened, most often involving someone they love.  It is the mantra of guilt, the emotion that means a wrongdoing has occurred based on a social code.  The code may be explicitly stated, such as written in a religious doctrine outlining a behavior as a sin, or a list of laws that determine what are considered crimes.  Other times, the wrongdoing is determined by expectations learned through modeling, a look, comments about what is seen as desired, etc.  Whatever the source, our pain is our conscience saying we broke the rules.

There is a type of guilt that does not fit this description. It is an inaccurate label for the emotions we have dealing with a situation we cannot make sense of. Just recently, I heard a person lament after a friend’s suicide, “I should’ve known. I should’ve done something to help!” This accusation was unfair. First, the two friends did not have the kind of relationship where something as vulnerable as suicidal thoughts would be shared. Second, if someone has decided to take this permanent step, they will keep others in the dark for a reason. They do not want help; they want out. Despite her self-blame, there was truly nothing she could have done.

This person’s statements highlight our struggle with certain realities we do not want to face.  For example, we cannot control everything, no matter how hard we try.  We cannot avoid pain; it is a part of life that just… is.  Our job is to figure out how best to cope with our challenges rather than cling to the myth that we can avoid them.  We also want things to be fair and justice prevail, however, there are many things that are not about Karma or right/wrong.  They are simply bad luck.

Other times, codes are toxic, often based on someone else’s agenda.  There are countless examples, but here is one I hear a lot, “Love is about sacrifice.” Underlying message: your needs are less important than mine.  If it’s between my way or yours and you chose to do what is right for you, you’re selfish.  These expectations are controlling, promote shame, or foster unrealistic expectations.  In a nutshell, they are a set up from the start.

For true guilt to apply, there are certain factors that must be present, highlighted in the following PBS video, titled Moral Luck.

To determine what emotion struggle is at work, consider these questions:

  1. Did I know this situation was going to happen?
  2. If I did know, could I have impacted the outcome?
  3. Is my guilt a wish in disguise? Ex: The above person wishing the friend had not suffered so much and could still be around.
  4. Was this about choice?
  5. Was I the responsible party? If not me, who is? 
  6. Is the uncomfortable outcome linked to actions I took?
  7. Would my beliefs apply if they were attributed to someone else?
  8. Is the rule/code behind my guilt realistic? Ethical? Healthy?

Guilt is helpful when we have done something wrong and need to act.  It is the warning signal that what we are doing needs to stop, the impetus to learn how to avoid the behaviors moving forward, and to do our best to repair damage we’ve caused.  However, if our pain is based on unrealistic demands in disguise, it is time to re-evaluate what rules are worthy of being followed.  If our distress is sadness, our self-flagellation will be fruitless.  Instead, relief will only come through the important work of grieving.  So let us remain vigilant to make sure the response we give matches what is needed.

“Guilt can either hold you back from growing or it can show you what you need to change in your life.” (Anonymous)

Relationships Mean a Thousand Funerals

I came across this poem and it struck a deep chord:

To Love Someone Long-Term Is to Attend a Thousand Funerals of the People They Used to Be

The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer.
The people they don’t recognize inside themselves anymore.
The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into.
We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost.
But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be.
It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honor what emerges along the way.
Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame.
Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness.

Blog: In The Margins

Somewhere I’ve heard it said, “Wherever there is change, there is grief.” Priebe points out that this applies to our sense of identity. When we cling to the notion that personality is stable, discomfort increases as a rift grows between what we think is true (based on the past) and what is true… for now.  As fluid bundles of complicated beliefs, developmental needs, life situations, values, and opportunities, everyday can mean change. 

It seems appropriate to be sharing this with you during Pride Month, because this community lives with grief all the time. These are common topics clients often share:

  • I have new understanding about what makes the most sense for how I see myself.  It is different, maybe as recent as a conversation ago, or maybe it’s something I’ve known it for a long time but was not ready to speak aloud.  Now that I know, the old “me” no longer fits and whether I wish I could or not, there is no going back. 
  • What does this mean, really mean to me?
  • What experiences will this path bring? Acceptance? Rejection? Oppression? Celebration? 

Yet you do not have to be in the LGBTQIA community to realize that funerals are part of life for all of us.  These questions still apply if you are dealing with a major life shift like marriage or retirement, a health issue like depression or chronic pain, or even something small that chips away at a longstanding foundation on which a sense of self has been built.  My hope is that we learn to accept loss as an inevitable part of life.  Let’s avoid assumptions and instead, adopt an attitude of respectful curiosity as we traverse this wild ride we call life. 

Great Quote

“Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”

Doyle, G. (2020) Untamed.

Pride Fest is Here!

Be warned.  The following writing may seem slightly disjunct because I get so excited this time of year and it is hard to contain. It is a magical time, being amidst a throng of people to celebrate sexuality, sexual orientation, and gender diversity. The liberty of inclusion, where there is no need to defend or explain yourself. At Pride Fest, we get to show up as we are, boldly embracing the richness of human variety. 

For those who would like to understand the LGBTQ experience more, the following offers a beautiful starting guide to some core principles:

https://www.npr.org/2021/06/02/996319297/gender-identity-pronouns-expression-guide-lgbtq.

You might also enjoy the book, How Sex Works by Dr. Sharon Moalem. Through his use of witty, spicy writing, the jam-packed scientific data is easy to digest and leaves you wanting more. Learn about evolutionary biology, desire, sex organs, and the gender spectrum. I was shocked to learn about a blind study that showed how sexual orientation impacts smell preferences! After reading this book, you will have hard data that shows sexual orientation is not, nor has it ever been, a choice and that the idea “you’re either born male or female” is as outdated as believing the world is flat.   https://www.amazon.com/How-Sex-Works-Smell-Taste/dp/0061479667.

Since those on the gender spectrum are near and dear to my heart, I would like to take this opportunity to encourage a change by increasing awareness around the use of pronouns.  I’ve heard it said that such “minute” details are overblown. That is like saying it is not a big deal to call someone by the wrong name.  It becomes downright offensive when it is known that it is the wrong name and it is continued to be used anyway. As Dr. Michael O’Brien stated, “Using a person’s proper name and pronouns greatly improves their quality of life. This is about being respectful and treating others with dignity.” While what I am proposing looks relatively straightforward, it will require awareness and intention. It is one of many ways we have been on autopilot, operating out of assumptions.  Let’s break old habits!  First, whenever encountering someone new, introduce yourself as, “I’m _______ and I use the pronouns of _____________.”  (Such as: he/him, she/her, they/them, ze/zir).  Next, if the other person does not immediately share their preferred pronouns, ask them. The whole point is to avoid assumptions. Please read more at https://springfield.edu/gender-pronouns.

Finally, there is much fun to be had on June 26th and 27th. To see how you can join the party, go to: https://denverpride.org/ or https://www.denver.org/things-to-do/spring-summer/denver-pridefest/.  There are even virtual options this year!!!! Hope to see you there!

Happy Pride!

Neuroception

Life in a pandemic.  How are we ever going to fully express what this chapter has been like?  We have watched loved ones literally struggle for breath, a virus become politicized, safety-nets fail, and our sense of security in day-to-day normalcy prove painfully fragile.  Of course, we’ve also rediscovered board games, cooking, and the love of sweatpants.  Inevitably, the experience has changed us.  In some ways, there is new clarity and appreciation for life; in other ways it has been downright painful to watch what human nature can do in times of crisis.

I have been particularly struck by how much more anxiety seems to linger, like irritating white noise that makes everything raw and draining.  A wince when strangers pass in a grocery store aisle, averted eyes, or a scowl when seeing kids out on playgrounds.  I was a bit perplexed by my own reaction when stepping into an occupied elevator became a moral dilemma.

To safely re-engage with the world, there is more we can do besides wearing a mask and social distancing.  We can use neuroception to promote a calmer norm.  Neuroception is a term used to describe our body’s way of scanning for cues if we are safe or in danger.  This kind of awareness constantly runs in the background, a physical surveillance system signifying to the body how to behave in each moment.  If all is well, we feel relaxed and able to connect with others in inviting ways.  If we sense something is wrong, our focus shifts to protection and survival. 

The great news is through deliberate practice, , we can use this natural phenomenon to help each other.  With positive approaches, our interactions are more pleasant, and they literally change our brains for the better.  As neuropathways (the nervous system) are soothed, they create a ripple effect to our behavior.      

The first part is to remind ourselves that we are all in this situation together; trying to cope with something that we cannot see nor fully understand.  Rather than only taking care of our own, let us broaden our sense of family.  As we prepare to step out of the house, find that centered place you “click” into when supporting a friend in distress.  Many people are not showing up as their best selves, so patience and persistence are the key tools to utilize.  Take deep breaths, listen to some lighthearted music (I am not ashamed to say that I have spent a significant amount of time listening to a playlist that includes Sandra Boynton and Muppet tunes) and visualize baby otters.  Now the mind and body are ready.

The second part is straightforward: be friendly.

  • Give eye contact.  Be sure that it is long enough to say, “I see you as a human being” but not so long it seems like we are preparing to pick them out of a lineup.
  • Genuinely smile.  People may not be able to see our mouths, but the size of our pupils, small wrinkles around the eyes, and energy means we can literally feel the smile.  So it is important to really mean it.  If you are struggling, revisit the visuals of baby otters, and try again. 
  • Ditch the devices.  We are already working hard to be intentional.  It will be even harder if we are multi-tasking, and if our eyes our down, it ensures any real moments of connection will be relegated to missed opportunities. 
  • When we communicate, 55% is non-verbal.  Be sure to have posture that is relaxed and inviting.   
  • Give a warm greeting.  It does not need to be a Hallmark card.  “Hi there,” or “Good morning,” can be exactly what is situation calls for.    

While there may be a whole lot happening right now that is not in our control, there is still a lot we can do to make the world a better place.  Our very biological hardwiring means that we can use even micro- moments to ensure the past year of fear is only a chapter rather than a book in our lives.  One step at a time, one smile at a time, “we can hold on to love, like invisible strings” (thank you Gonzo for this moving song from the Muppet Movie). 

Resources:

New Website

After months of working with two lovely, very patient designers with Willow Bridge Creations, I am happy to announce that the Side By Side website has a brand new look.  Please feel free to enjoy these amazing people’s artistic flare, adding mood and color to verbiage about specialties and primary approaches I use to bring support and relief.  The resource page has also been updated, so if you or someone you love need ideas for assistance, help is a click away.  There are still some additional changes on the horizon that will include a client portal, automated receipts, and online scheduling.  This will be added as soon as I brush off my dormant technical skills to learn the new system.  Here’s to a much-needed update to a website that can reflect the current decade.   Enjoy!

One Voice

For some kids, it is the last month of their senior year. They’ve missed going to classes together and hanging out with friends, they’ve lost the chance to experience prom, a spring break school trip, sporting events, concerts, plays, and even had to give up the mass celebration of graduation. Yet at Arvada West High School, a music teacher gathered some innovative people to create a unique way for students to have something to hold on to. Working with a local recording studio, Mr. Chris Maunu involved one of the choirs to turn individual performances into a coral experience. Three adults created a game plan where, using a metronome, choir members individually recorded singing their part. Then the recording studio and an editor amassed the performances and used their talents to create this:

I get teary every time I hear this- a gift to the students, their loved ones, and our community. I also appreciate the lyrics written by the Wailing Jennys:

This is the sound of one voice
One spirit, one voice
The sound of one who makes a choice
This is the sound of one voice

This is the sound of voices two
The sound of me singing with you
Helping each other to make it through
This is the sound of voices two

This is the sound of voices three
Singing together in harmony
Surrendering to the mystery
This is the sound of voices three

This is the sound of all of us
Singing with love and the will to trust
Leave the rest behind it will turn to dust
This is the sound of all of us

This is the sound of one voice
One people, one voice
A song for every one of us
This is the sound of one voice.

I can’t think of a better invitation for how we as a global community can face this challenging time with dignity and hope. Thank you to every person out there making a difference. May we continue to come together and inspire.

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