“It’s my fault.” Someone feels bad about what happened, most often involving someone they love. It is the mantra of guilt, the emotion that means a wrongdoing has occurred based on a social code. The code may be explicitly stated, such as written in a religious doctrine outlining a behavior as a sin, or a list of laws that determine what are considered crimes. Other times, the wrongdoing is determined by expectations learned through modeling, a look, comments about what is seen as desired, etc. Whatever the source, our pain is our conscience saying we broke the rules.
There is a type of guilt that does not fit this description. It is an inaccurate label for the emotions we have dealing with a situation we cannot make sense of. Just recently, I heard a person lament after a friend’s suicide, “I should’ve known. I should’ve done something to help!” This accusation was unfair. First, the two friends did not have the kind of relationship where something as vulnerable as suicidal thoughts would be shared. Second, if someone has decided to take this permanent step, they will keep others in the dark for a reason. They do not want help; they want out. Despite her self-blame, there was truly nothing she could have done.
This person’s statements highlight our struggle with certain realities we do not want to face. For example, we cannot control everything, no matter how hard we try. We cannot avoid pain; it is a part of life that just… is. Our job is to figure out how best to cope with our challenges rather than cling to the myth that we can avoid them. We also want things to be fair and justice prevail, however, there are many things that are not about Karma or right/wrong. They are simply bad luck.
Other times, codes are toxic, often based on someone else’s agenda. There are countless examples, but here is one I hear a lot, “Love is about sacrifice.” Underlying message: your needs are less important than mine. If it’s between my way or yours and you chose to do what is right for you, you’re selfish. These expectations are controlling, promote shame, or foster unrealistic expectations. In a nutshell, they are a set up from the start.
For true guilt to apply, there are certain factors that must be present, highlighted in the following PBS video, titled Moral Luck.
To determine what emotion struggle is at work, consider these questions:
- Did I know this situation was going to happen?
- If I did know, could I have impacted the outcome?
- Is my guilt a wish in disguise? Ex: The above person wishing the friend had not suffered so much and could still be around.
- Was this about choice?
- Was I the responsible party? If not me, who is?
- Is the uncomfortable outcome linked to actions I took?
- Would my beliefs apply if they were attributed to someone else?
- Is the rule/code behind my guilt realistic? Ethical? Healthy?
Guilt is helpful when we have done something wrong and need to act. It is the warning signal that what we are doing needs to stop, the impetus to learn how to avoid the behaviors moving forward, and to do our best to repair damage we’ve caused. However, if our pain is based on unrealistic demands in disguise, it is time to re-evaluate what rules are worthy of being followed. If our distress is sadness, our self-flagellation will be fruitless. Instead, relief will only come through the important work of grieving. So let us remain vigilant to make sure the response we give matches what is needed.
“Guilt can either hold you back from growing or it can show you what you need to change in your life.” (Anonymous)