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Part 5: Fear of Disappointing Others- Dealing with the Consequences
Speaking up for ourselves can bring up significant distress. Many articles on the subject conclude that the discomfort is really about insecurity. For example, Sicinski states, “The fear of rejection is an irrational fear that has you convinced that people won’t accept or approve of you due to your opinions, looks, personality, values, beliefs or behavior.”[1] There is no question that anxieties can become debilitating. They feel so real that we conclude the environment is dangerous. Whether or not our hesitancy reflects reality can be hard to tell.
However, I struggle with his adjective “irrational.” This implies that the fear of disappointing someone, particularly the potential of being judged or rejected, is without reason. If we take the time to dig deeper, we will find that the fear has context. For example, if every time I cried, I was called a name, I’d quickly learn not only will my need for support go unmet, but I will also feel worse than I did before I reached out. If I’ve been rejected by a group because I did or said something they did not approve of, I’ve been shown that my thoughts or feelings can lead to rejection. The “irrational” fear is really dread that the past will repeat itself.
This fear is not always about the past coloring the present; it may also be an intuitive warning about the situation at hand. Risking disappointing someone may threaten the connection to the other person or sometimes, the entire relationship. Does the following sound familiar?
- Interactions become tense. This is especially common when the other person feels wronged. The discomfort may be brief, or it might endure.
- Someone “goes dark” through the silent treatment or ghosting.
- Interactions may also take on a superficial quality.
- Defensive maneuvers like lashing out, name calling, or weaponizing vulnerabilities develop.
- Power struggles ensue to maintain the status quo. This may include constant boundary pushing or recruiting other people for additional pressure.
- Guilt is used to undermine confidence, based on the myths that a relationship should always be comfortable and needs met no matter how unreasonable. Here are some examples clients have been told: “I guess we are not as close as we used to be.” “How could you do this to me? I’m doing my best and all you do is complain.” “A real friend would show up and be there. Your obvious not a real friend or someone I could ever count on.” Ouch.
- The relationship ends.
Fact: there are very real risks when we disappoint someone. It is important, therefore, to identify the deeper reason for the fear and determine what is at stake. Determine what can be mitigated, what can be tolerated, and the costs/benefits. Be sure to have a support system that can counter defensive reactions and cheerlead when resolve wanes. Ensure you have enough skills to manage the discomfort that naturally occurs when disappointment surfaces. It may be necessary to brace for loss, whether it means saying goodbye to the ease of the connection for a while or in some cases, the entire relationship. Finally, have a strategy to deal with whatever may come during the conversation and what follows. I once heard a quote, “Failure to plan is planning to fail.”
To face disappointing someone is an act of courage. While I promote openness and honesty, it can be easier said than done. Consider your context, determine benefits and risks, and listen to your intuition. Whatever direction makes sense, you can rest assured that you have made the best choice available to you.
1 https://blog.iqmatrix.com/fear-of-rejection
Youtube videos that offer mantras:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGgN2-6b3xg– Mantras
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAjBtPqVOSY– Answering Questions
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4jzzDYLgro- this video not only highlights the detriments of constant focus on what others think, it highlights some noteworthy people and how they have tried to desensitize or conquer this tendency
Part 4: Fear of Disappointing Others – Hoping the Problem Will Just Go Away
It is understandable that we want to avoid those things that are uncomfortable or involve risk. Even after being in the field for 25 years, I don’t relish the fact that some feedback I give is painful and hard to hear. It is tempting to try a variety of methods to force a situation away to avoid our own disappointment or disappointment we might evoke in another person. These might include pretending the feelings or event never happened (denial), acting as if the situation is not that big a deal (minimizing), or stuffing the feelings inside. Others might also encourage you with the incredibly unhelpful advice to “get over it and move on”. No matter how badly we want to avoid disappointment, it is important to acknowledge that these tactics lead to sacrifices:
It Compromises Self-respect
In the interest of keeping the peace, there is self-denial. In that denial, needs have no way to get met. Our primary advocate (ourselves) cannot or will not speak up. We may feel safe/comfortable by avoiding conflict, but it also means we have disowned our hearts and abandoned ourselves.
Closeness Shifts to Superficiality
An uncomfortable truth: we are not being honest. When we hold back what is bothering us, we deliberately hide parts of ourselves. This is the opposite of authenticity. Meanwhile, the other person thinks things are fine when they are not. They live in a fantasy of our creation. The amount of intimacy in relationship is directly linked to the amount of real vulnerability. If we cannot fully give of ourselves, there is no foundation for genuine connection.
Stagnation Versus Growth
When we withhold our feelings, we are not doing either person any favors. We are destined to hold onto the pain of unexpressed strife and reinforce the habit of losing our voice. The other person is denied the opportunity to hear honest feedback and develop new ways to engage. Instead, they unknowingly continue behaviors that are hurtful, concerning, destructive or irresponsible. For both parties, patterns are reinforced through silence. No one wins; no one grows.
Our Concerns Ooze
Without direct expression, emotions and needs come out indirectly. Resentment is a common biproduct because conscious or not, we see the situation as unfair. Tremendous energy is expended to keep feelings at bay and still live with the unmet need. Meanwhile, the other person is blissfully ignorant that anything is wrong and enjoys the relationship carefree. That’s when our desire for things to be righted start to poke through. Obvious forms occur when our voices sound terse because we have clamped down our ability to speak freely or our words have a harsh quality, having emerged through gritted teeth. We may even begin to withhold in some way or avoid the person as a form of retaliation. Even though we created this situation through repression, the fault has been firmly placed on the other person because of their ignorance.
The more insidious and often overlooked impact is outlined in Gabor Mate’s book, “The Body Says No.” He states, “Emotional experiences are translated into potentially damaging biological events when human beings are prevented from learning how to express their feelings effectively.” He references a body of research that emphasizes the link between dis/ease and illnesses such as breast cancer, arthritis, diabetes, IBS, and multiple sclerosis. In short, what we do not address will turn in on the body, eroding physical well-being.
No matter how much we wish things would resolve themselves without disappointment and discomfort, it is just not possible. Disappointment is inevitable. If we do not address our concerns and take the risk of discomfort, we are destined to deal with the damaging effects repression causes.
“What is in us must out, otherwise we may explode at the wrong places or become hopelessly hemmed in by frustrations. The great art is to express our vitality through the particular channels and at the particular speed Nature foresaw for us.” -Hans Selye
Part 3: Fear of Disappointing Others – When Helping Is Harmful
It is understandable that we want to be empathic and caring toward each other and do what we can to prevent causing another pain. This is not just a value system; it is hardwired into our very being!
Through my exploration on this topic, I came across some fascinating facts that I can’t help but share: the Stanford Vision and Neuro-Development Lab found that 14-18-month-old babies are likely to pick up something for someone without prompting. Four months later, many babies have developed a form of empathy, bringing a toy or a treat the other has shown to have enjoyed in the past, even if it is different from their preferences! At the University of Washington’s Institute for Learning & Brain Sciences, researchers found that altruism was seen in nearly 100 19-month-olds. Children, even when hungry, gave a tasty snack to a stranger in need!
When it comes to disappointment, our altruism tends to be preventative. We avoid the topic to prevent discomfort in the other person. In times we express concern, we recant if the other person becomes upset. These choices have good intentions, just like the babies mentioned above. However, there are times our desire to keep the other person comfortable has the exact opposite effect of being helpful.
Our problem lies in the basic fact that pain signals that something needs our attention. If we act as if nothing is taking place, there is no ability to address the issue. This has significant consequences. First, we can’t be honest. Being “nice” in these instances means pretending to feel content/happy when we are not. One person denies, the other person does not know that they are not dealing with the reality of what is happening in the relationship. Second, avoiding the issue lets it fester. As our needs or concerns go unaddressed, resentment builds, we become more closed off, and the connection takes on a superficial quality. To have honest connections, we will not always be warm and fuzzy. Sometimes true support means allowing distress to be a wakeup call. It lets us each recognize that we are separate people who must negotiate how to be in a relationship. We also owe it to one another to stop harmful, irresponsible behavior.
While it is not helpful to avoid necessary discomfort, it is also important not to cause unnecessary pain. We can be honest and kind at the same time. It is already going to be hard for the other person. They may have to deal with shock of blind spots uncovered. There might be shame that emerges if their intentions/values do not match their actions. Then there is the natural struggle against the limits we don’t like to admit are part of life. Clearly, there is a lot of important, humbling work being done in this exchange. Let’s do our best to deliver the message in a respectful, sensitive way.
***Please note that there are inherent risks in speaking up. If there are safety concerns or if the risks far outweigh the benefits, it is important to take these factors into consideration. If your intuition warns you, it is important to listen and choose wisely.
Journal exercise:
- What messages have you been told about disappointing others?
- Are these messages you would pass on to others? Why/why not?
- What is the perceived benefit of protecting the other from disappointment?
- What is at stake if you take the risk to speak up?
- When you stay silent to avoid distress, what is the impact on you? On the other person? On the relationship?
- What is needed for you to be able to set boundaries, address concerns, etc.?
Part 2: Fear of Disappointing Others: Disappointment Defined
Disappointment is the grief we feel when reality falls far short from what we had hoped. It is a mixture of anger (not o.k.!), and sadness (loss) that naturally occurs when dreams fall flat, things change, accidents happen, or situations are beyond our control. Sometimes these moments are minor, like a friend not being available when you wanted to have a spontaneous date. These usually result in a sigh and some resignation. Then there are louder disappointments like learning the person you are dating is no longer interested in you, or a major part of your support system is moving away. No matter how hard we try, we are destined to experience disappointments throughout our lifetime.
People, especially the ones we love the most, will regularly disappoint us. Their needs, motivations, demands, and limitations will often not match our own, and that can be hard to swallow. For example, when my daughter, Avery, was crawling faster than I could drive, I both adored and would become exhausted by her curiosity. She wanted to be held, read to, rocked, and played with. Then she would become grumpy, push me away, and pull out all the books on the shelves for the eighth time in the last hour. Constant vigilance was required to make sure she did not crawl out of the crib (again!) or torment the cat (again!). After hours on end, I’d need a break. I’d head off to the only place I could have solace, the bathroom. As I sat on the edge of the tub, trying to center myself, the screaming would start. Between sobs I could hear her confusion and hurt. “Where did you go? Why didn’t you take me with you? I know you’re in there! Why won’t you let me in?” Soon, little fingers were poking under the door, literally searching for me. Despite her pleas, I spoke only once, “I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Until I was ready, the door remained shut.
Avery and I were both in the middle of being painfully disappointed. For her, she was shocked that unlike the womb, her need would not always be met. She was fine when the amount of closeness or the activities we did were on her terms; she did not like it when I did not go along with her plans. There were limits. I would not always be there, nor would I always be warm and fuzzy. Sometimes I could be annoyed, angry, or dare I say, a big brat.
Meanwhile, I had nothing left. Where was the nanny who would allow me to disappear to a lovely spa? Why did I have to be the scullery maid who had to be available whenever called? I lamented, “My patience has limits! Her needs are endless! Make this stop!” I had fantasies that loving my daughter meant being there for her, being liked and liking her, and us both full of smiles. The truth being revealed is love expressed through self-care, setting limits, and realistic expectations is painful. I wanted to be seen as the sweet, loving mom. For now, I had to cope with looking more like a mean ogre.
The first step in our quest is to identify and sit with the beliefs about disappointment that make it seem somehow pathological and something that should be avoided, no matter how much we must sacrifice along the way. Disappointment will happen; it just will. Even if we hold back what we need in relationships to try to prevent it, life is not so accommodating. Better to accept this reality and learn to face the hurt so we develop the tools to cope and build resiliency for when it inevitably comes.
Here are a few questions to consider:
- What have I been taught about disappointment and by whom?
- What has experience taught me about disappointment?
- What are my beliefs now? How does that impact how I show up in relationships?
- What patterns emerge when I’m disappointed? How about when the other person is disappointed in me?
- What are my core fears about disappointment?
- If I could go back in time and talk to myself at age seven, what message(s) would I tell myself?
Next step: we’ll be exploring what factors prevent people from being willing or able to risk disappointing others.
It’s Voting Time
I know that we talk about voting as a right, but in reality, it is a privilege. As shown in other forms of government (dictatorships, oligarchies , and monarchies, for example), our voices can be ignored or taken away. Please, use your voice- don’t take this opportunity for granted. Be a wise voice, taking steps to be well-informed. Consider these three steps:
1. When you look up information, consider the source. Look for evidence and organizations that promote the news rather than opinions. Is this stance based on expertise in the area? For example, just because an actor plays a doctor on television does not mean you want their advise on your biopsy. Is this a primary source or an interpretation? Are they using facts to support their position? What are the underlying agendas? What types of persuasion are at work, and is this a reputable news source?
2. Beware of biases such as confirmation bias (the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that validates what you all ready believe), familiarity bias (going with what is comfortable or already known), and especially consensus bias (believing that your beliefs are widespread and therefore valid).
3. For candidates, remember that the information out there is basically a resume. Be a good boss and look closely at the details. Do they have qualifications to fulfill the duties of the civic role? What is their background and experience? What does their job performance look like? Are their positions clear and specific steps outlined? Are they respected by those in the organization?
Here’s to doing what we can to ensure we are represented by quality representatives and ethical amendments.
Vote
For the values you want our country to stand for… vote.
For all those people who are not able to have a voice… vote.
To stand up for those harmed by bad policies… vote.
To help preserve democracy… vote.
To demonstrate consideration of those beyond your social circle…. vote.
To make sure our representatives accurately represent those they serve… vote.
To honor all those who fought for your right to speak… vote.
To refuse the seduction of apathy and disenfranchisement… vote.
Because rights are hard to gain but easy to lose…. vote.
Because you vote is your voice…. vote.
Part 1: The Quest: What is so Terrifying About Disappointing Others?
I was having a casual conversation with a grandfather who loved his role through and through. As he talked about his delight spending time with his granddaughter, he mentioned, with a smile, that he could not say “no” to her. “If she gets a sad face or starts to cry, I just can’t stand it.” It was clear that he thought giving in was a sign of love. He had no idea that his inability to tolerate her distress and stand firm with healthy boundaries could have major implications. My mind had big yellow lights signaling WARNING, WARNING! What came out of my mouth was “Please, be careful.”
This approach to relationships is nothing new to me. It is something I must address every time I teach a class on assertiveness. I am used to people literally squirming when they practice speaking up, but this man was not in distress. He was making a proud declaration. After this conversation I began to pay attention to how many people feel and behave in such a way. What my observations revealed- the desire to avoid disappointment is pervasive. Something is clearly at work that is so painful and deemed so bad that human beings are willing to negate what we need and sometimes who we are to keep the peace or avoid upsetting someone.
What I have read with an initial scan has been anything but illuminating. Articles from various sources have some solid behavioral steps to take, but I fear they are either superficial or unsustainable. Something this entrenched will have deep roots and tons of complexities at work. What I can say, with certainty, is I know there is a lot I don’t know on this subject. When I am preaching assertiveness, I want to truly understand with great respect and compassion what I’m inviting someone to courageously face/overcome in the processes. So I have set out on a quest- to truly understand our human struggle with disappointment. Some of the questions I hope to answer:
- What are we really afraid of?
- What is the difference between necessary and unnecessary disappointment?
- What meanings are attached to disappointment?
- What helps bolster resiliency and tolerance?
- Are there any key differences between being disappointed versus disappointing others? I tend to see people choose the former rather than deal with the latter.
Here’s to stepping out to see what we can learn together.
New Afghan Neighbors
There are several programs in the metro-Denver area that need support in all kinds of ways. Individuals and families coming our way will have basic needs for food, shelter, medical care, and jobs. They will also need kind folks to help them acclimate to a culture vastly different than where they came from. Imagine trying to navigate a grocery store, especially one that does not offer many of the foods you are used to. I also read a biography where they described challenges I had not thought of: working modern appliances, getting used to hot water from a spout, knowing not to use an oven to heat the home, or different notions of time. They will be dealing with all of this while grieving the loss of their homes and communities, and somehow trying to make sense of whatever traumas they have endured.
If you are interested in helping, here are some local organizations that could use whatever support you are able to offer:
The International Rescue Committee
Colorado Refugee Service Program
