articles
articles
Subscribe and receive helpful information & updates.
Part 3: Fear of Disappointing Others – When Helping Is Harmful
It is understandable that we want to be empathic and caring toward each other and do what we can to prevent causing another pain. This is not just a value system; it is hardwired into our very being!
Through my exploration on this topic, I came across some fascinating facts that I can’t help but share: the Stanford Vision and Neuro-Development Lab found that 14-18-month-old babies are likely to pick up something for someone without prompting. Four months later, many babies have developed a form of empathy, bringing a toy or a treat the other has shown to have enjoyed in the past, even if it is different from their preferences! At the University of Washington’s Institute for Learning & Brain Sciences, researchers found that altruism was seen in nearly 100 19-month-olds. Children, even when hungry, gave a tasty snack to a stranger in need!
When it comes to disappointment, our altruism tends to be preventative. We avoid the topic to prevent discomfort in the other person. In times we express concern, we recant if the other person becomes upset. These choices have good intentions, just like the babies mentioned above. However, there are times our desire to keep the other person comfortable has the exact opposite effect of being helpful.
Our problem lies in the basic fact that pain signals that something needs our attention. If we act as if nothing is taking place, there is no ability to address the issue. This has significant consequences. First, we can’t be honest. Being “nice” in these instances means pretending to feel content/happy when we are not. One person denies, the other person does not know that they are not dealing with the reality of what is happening in the relationship. Second, avoiding the issue lets it fester. As our needs or concerns go unaddressed, resentment builds, we become more closed off, and the connection takes on a superficial quality. To have honest connections, we will not always be warm and fuzzy. Sometimes true support means allowing distress to be a wakeup call. It lets us each recognize that we are separate people who must negotiate how to be in a relationship. We also owe it to one another to stop harmful, irresponsible behavior.
While it is not helpful to avoid necessary discomfort, it is also important not to cause unnecessary pain. We can be honest and kind at the same time. It is already going to be hard for the other person. They may have to deal with shock of blind spots uncovered. There might be shame that emerges if their intentions/values do not match their actions. Then there is the natural struggle against the limits we don’t like to admit are part of life. Clearly, there is a lot of important, humbling work being done in this exchange. Let’s do our best to deliver the message in a respectful, sensitive way.
***Please note that there are inherent risks in speaking up. If there are safety concerns or if the risks far outweigh the benefits, it is important to take these factors into consideration. If your intuition warns you, it is important to listen and choose wisely.
Journal exercise:
- What messages have you been told about disappointing others?
- Are these messages you would pass on to others? Why/why not?
- What is the perceived benefit of protecting the other from disappointment?
- What is at stake if you take the risk to speak up?
- When you stay silent to avoid distress, what is the impact on you? On the other person? On the relationship?
- What is needed for you to be able to set boundaries, address concerns, etc.?
Part 2: Fear of Disappointing Others: Disappointment Defined
Disappointment is the grief we feel when reality falls far short from what we had hoped. It is a mixture of anger (not o.k.!), and sadness (loss) that naturally occurs when dreams fall flat, things change, accidents happen, or situations are beyond our control. Sometimes these moments are minor, like a friend not being available when you wanted to have a spontaneous date. These usually result in a sigh and some resignation. Then there are louder disappointments like learning the person you are dating is no longer interested in you, or a major part of your support system is moving away. No matter how hard we try, we are destined to experience disappointments throughout our lifetime.
People, especially the ones we love the most, will regularly disappoint us. Their needs, motivations, demands, and limitations will often not match our own, and that can be hard to swallow. For example, when my daughter, Avery, was crawling faster than I could drive, I both adored and would become exhausted by her curiosity. She wanted to be held, read to, rocked, and played with. Then she would become grumpy, push me away, and pull out all the books on the shelves for the eighth time in the last hour. Constant vigilance was required to make sure she did not crawl out of the crib (again!) or torment the cat (again!). After hours on end, I’d need a break. I’d head off to the only place I could have solace, the bathroom. As I sat on the edge of the tub, trying to center myself, the screaming would start. Between sobs I could hear her confusion and hurt. “Where did you go? Why didn’t you take me with you? I know you’re in there! Why won’t you let me in?” Soon, little fingers were poking under the door, literally searching for me. Despite her pleas, I spoke only once, “I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Until I was ready, the door remained shut.
Avery and I were both in the middle of being painfully disappointed. For her, she was shocked that unlike the womb, her need would not always be met. She was fine when the amount of closeness or the activities we did were on her terms; she did not like it when I did not go along with her plans. There were limits. I would not always be there, nor would I always be warm and fuzzy. Sometimes I could be annoyed, angry, or dare I say, a big brat.
Meanwhile, I had nothing left. Where was the nanny who would allow me to disappear to a lovely spa? Why did I have to be the scullery maid who had to be available whenever called? I lamented, “My patience has limits! Her needs are endless! Make this stop!” I had fantasies that loving my daughter meant being there for her, being liked and liking her, and us both full of smiles. The truth being revealed is love expressed through self-care, setting limits, and realistic expectations is painful. I wanted to be seen as the sweet, loving mom. For now, I had to cope with looking more like a mean ogre.
The first step in our quest is to identify and sit with the beliefs about disappointment that make it seem somehow pathological and something that should be avoided, no matter how much we must sacrifice along the way. Disappointment will happen; it just will. Even if we hold back what we need in relationships to try to prevent it, life is not so accommodating. Better to accept this reality and learn to face the hurt so we develop the tools to cope and build resiliency for when it inevitably comes.
Here are a few questions to consider:
- What have I been taught about disappointment and by whom?
- What has experience taught me about disappointment?
- What are my beliefs now? How does that impact how I show up in relationships?
- What patterns emerge when I’m disappointed? How about when the other person is disappointed in me?
- What are my core fears about disappointment?
- If I could go back in time and talk to myself at age seven, what message(s) would I tell myself?
Next step: we’ll be exploring what factors prevent people from being willing or able to risk disappointing others.
It’s Voting Time
I know that we talk about voting as a right, but in reality, it is a privilege. As shown in other forms of government (dictatorships, oligarchies , and monarchies, for example), our voices can be ignored or taken away. Please, use your voice- don’t take this opportunity for granted. Be a wise voice, taking steps to be well-informed. Consider these three steps:
1. When you look up information, consider the source. Look for evidence and organizations that promote the news rather than opinions. Is this stance based on expertise in the area? For example, just because an actor plays a doctor on television does not mean you want their advise on your biopsy. Is this a primary source or an interpretation? Are they using facts to support their position? What are the underlying agendas? What types of persuasion are at work, and is this a reputable news source?
2. Beware of biases such as confirmation bias (the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that validates what you all ready believe), familiarity bias (going with what is comfortable or already known), and especially consensus bias (believing that your beliefs are widespread and therefore valid).
3. For candidates, remember that the information out there is basically a resume. Be a good boss and look closely at the details. Do they have qualifications to fulfill the duties of the civic role? What is their background and experience? What does their job performance look like? Are their positions clear and specific steps outlined? Are they respected by those in the organization?
Here’s to doing what we can to ensure we are represented by quality representatives and ethical amendments.
Vote
For the values you want our country to stand for… vote.
For all those people who are not able to have a voice… vote.
To stand up for those harmed by bad policies… vote.
To help preserve democracy… vote.
To demonstrate consideration of those beyond your social circle…. vote.
To make sure our representatives accurately represent those they serve… vote.
To honor all those who fought for your right to speak… vote.
To refuse the seduction of apathy and disenfranchisement… vote.
Because rights are hard to gain but easy to lose…. vote.
Because you vote is your voice…. vote.
Part 1: The Quest: What is so Terrifying About Disappointing Others?
I was having a casual conversation with a grandfather who loved his role through and through. As he talked about his delight spending time with his granddaughter, he mentioned, with a smile, that he could not say “no” to her. “If she gets a sad face or starts to cry, I just can’t stand it.” It was clear that he thought giving in was a sign of love. He had no idea that his inability to tolerate her distress and stand firm with healthy boundaries could have major implications. My mind had big yellow lights signaling WARNING, WARNING! What came out of my mouth was “Please, be careful.”
This approach to relationships is nothing new to me. It is something I must address every time I teach a class on assertiveness. I am used to people literally squirming when they practice speaking up, but this man was not in distress. He was making a proud declaration. After this conversation I began to pay attention to how many people feel and behave in such a way. What my observations revealed- the desire to avoid disappointment is pervasive. Something is clearly at work that is so painful and deemed so bad that human beings are willing to negate what we need and sometimes who we are to keep the peace or avoid upsetting someone.
What I have read with an initial scan has been anything but illuminating. Articles from various sources have some solid behavioral steps to take, but I fear they are either superficial or unsustainable. Something this entrenched will have deep roots and tons of complexities at work. What I can say, with certainty, is I know there is a lot I don’t know on this subject. When I am preaching assertiveness, I want to truly understand with great respect and compassion what I’m inviting someone to courageously face/overcome in the processes. So I have set out on a quest- to truly understand our human struggle with disappointment. Some of the questions I hope to answer:
- What are we really afraid of?
- What is the difference between necessary and unnecessary disappointment?
- What meanings are attached to disappointment?
- What helps bolster resiliency and tolerance?
- Are there any key differences between being disappointed versus disappointing others? I tend to see people choose the former rather than deal with the latter.
Here’s to stepping out to see what we can learn together.
New Afghan Neighbors
There are several programs in the metro-Denver area that need support in all kinds of ways. Individuals and families coming our way will have basic needs for food, shelter, medical care, and jobs. They will also need kind folks to help them acclimate to a culture vastly different than where they came from. Imagine trying to navigate a grocery store, especially one that does not offer many of the foods you are used to. I also read a biography where they described challenges I had not thought of: working modern appliances, getting used to hot water from a spout, knowing not to use an oven to heat the home, or different notions of time. They will be dealing with all of this while grieving the loss of their homes and communities, and somehow trying to make sense of whatever traumas they have endured.
If you are interested in helping, here are some local organizations that could use whatever support you are able to offer:
The International Rescue Committee
Colorado Refugee Service Program
Coping With This Painful Time
On a daily basis I hear overwhelming anxiety about all the calamities facing our communities, nation, and world. I’m sure these are all too familiar: global warming and the recent UN report, spiking COVID cases, an overwhelmed/depleted medical system, and Afghanistan, to name a few. It is understandable to want to wrap our heads around these situations and find out all we can. However, information gathering has an emotional, psychological, moral, and physical toll. Vicarious trauma, the detrimental impacts of witnessing/listening to the traumas of others, is real. It is imperative to be careful to what we expose ourselves to.
Start by treating your overall health like a bank account. When you laugh with a friend, cuddle with an animal, take a walk somewhere beautiful, etc., you make a deposit. Other experiences have a cost. When you watch a pundit spew angry rhetoric, take on too many causes to fight for, or spend time with someone who wants to constantly debate, these deplete your resources. Identify your “bills” as those unavoidable withdrawals, such as determining how to keep your kids safe as they go back to school during a pandemic. Be aware of the cost a given activity demands. Is it worth it? Do you have enough in the bank to cover the cost? Going into debt for a short period can be weathered, but the more you overspend, the sooner your resiliency is depleted. You are then left with a whole lot of hard realities and minimal savings to deal with it.
One client was watching the news constantly, afraid to miss something or be out of the loop. It’s possible to stay informed while still limiting the impact. Stick only to the headlines or only review the highlights. Avoid pictures/videos and personal stories. This is not an effort to be apathetic or ignorant; it is a strategy when there is just too much to bear. The price tag could be so costly that it causes anxiety, dread, nightmares, perseveration, hopelessness, or compassion fatigue. Also, make sure this information comes from reputable sources that focus on facts such as NPR, PBS, or the BBC, rather than opinions. Although no news source is ever completely neutral, these organizations are known to minimize dramatization, have accountability to accuracy, value ethical reporting, and retain professionalism.
Right now, it is hard. We are in a perfect storm of trauma, chaos, and fear. Let’s do all we can to actively protect our health, our kindness, our sanity, and most importantly, our hope.
Comedian Speaks About EMDR
In 2018, comedian Adam Cayton-Holland published his first book, Tragedy Plus Time: A Tragi-Comic Memoir, highlighting his experience dealing with the impacts of his sister’s suicide. Cayton-Holland described his books in these words, “If you’re expecting a guide to navigating life after grief, this isn’t it. It’s an honest look at mental illness, depression, death and the beautiful relationships between families and siblings — one that lets you know that there is no guide to grief, and that it’s still O.K. to laugh.”
On September 4th, 2021, he is putting on a one-man show called, “Happy Place”, loosely based on the book. Some of the material will cover his experience with grief and EMDR treatment. Knowing that Adam is one of the best comedians in Denver, it is bound to be honest and vulnerable, and sure to bring tears and smiles. Details about the show can be found at the Bug Theatre.
__________________
Williams, John (August 26, 2018). “Grief and Laughter Mingle in ‘Tragedy Plus Time'”. nytimes.com. Retrieved September 14, 2018.