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Upcoming Presentation: Changing Minds: The Art of Conversation and Persuasion
We’ve got Election season in full swing and upcoming holiday gatherings with friends and family. It is inevitable that hard conversations are going to occur where we disagree and may even be tempted to bite one another. For three Sundays, I will guide participants in exploring how to engage while remaining civil and successfully sharing opinions and perspectives. All are welcome!
Location: Arvada United Methodist Church- 6750 Carr St. Arvada, CO 80004
Dates: October 30th, November 6th and November 13th
9-10 a.m. in the Chapel
The Mother of the Fallen Arvada Police Officer’s Call to Action
On 9/11/22, police officer Dillon Vakoff was killed in the line of duty. I had a chance to speak to his mother, Lisa Vakoff, who is responding to this tragedy with a call to action. She has been through many hardships, some which you or someone you know may relate to: being a single parent, dealing with an affair, a family dealing with addiction, a family dealing with the impacts of sexual assault, and homicide, to name a few. With permission, I am sharing a written statement she gave to me, inviting all of us to look around and see how we can push for change.
———–
From Lisa Vakoff
My great, great grandfather, who was from Bulgaria, fought in the Balkan war and proudly on horseback, I might add. My great grandfather immigrated to the United States and became a legal citizen. My grandfather was in the US Army during WWII and if memory serves me at Normandy. My great Uncle was in the US Navy during WWII at Pearl Harbor.
On my mother’s side of the family:
My uncle was in the US Army after the Korean conflict
My father served in the Montana National Guard during Vietnam
My Brother was in the US Navy during the Iran contra affair serving on the USS Nimitz
My ex-husband was in the US Navy during the first Gulf war while I was pregnant with my first son. He also deployed to Somalia as a Seabee during that conflict. His current wife also served in his same unit with the USS navy.
My oldest son was an MP in the US army during the Afghanistan war ( the 2nd Gulf war)
My youngest son was in the US Air Force and deployed to Qatar during the Afghanistan war. His accomplishments and contributions to our country were publicly acknowledged at his memorial service by Major Julian Gluck. Which, I would like to thank the US Air force for personally addressing me to know and understand his service to the country.
I BELIEVE in our military’s service members mission, duty and honor to serve the people of the United States. I BELIEVE in their mission and sworn oath to protect and defend our country’s great and amazing CONSTITUION of our 50 United States. I BELIEVE in our flag (Olde Glory) that represents their duty and sacrifice, and all who proceeded and yet to come, to the people of this great nation and around the world.
That CONSTITUTION is exactly why we are a free and sovereign nation. It is the document that separates us from the rest of the world and affords the American people rights. You know the rights that all of us scream, yell and holler all around the country fighting for our individual causes that we are willing to fight for, even if it is with one another; our friends, family members and neighbors right now. I guess shame on all of us. Maybe that’s how the civil war started. My hope and wish are for all of us American citizens to NEVER forget that all of these service members who volunteered their service and gave the ultimate sacrifice. For those of you who do not comprehend or understand…. They DIED for you!!!! To our great Military “Thank You” There are many that still understand, remember and honor your service!!!
So now I have some questions. Due to the nature of my son’s loss, how many of you have been divorced? I AM- How many of you were hurt and angry? I WAS- Did your spouse cheat on you? MINE DID- How many of you were now single parents? I WAS- How many of you used your children as a pawn for vengeance? I DID NOT! Did you know that the United States ranks #1 worldwide for single parent families? According to PEW Research center the US is the leader worldwide for broken homes!! I guess we should ask ourselves why? Shame on us as American Citizens that we do not value and honor the family unit.
Did all of these single parents move on and start dating someone new? I DID How many of us have been in domestic violent relationships? I WAS- Was drugs and alcohol involved? MINE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC I now became a single mother with 2 children with 2 different fathers. I GOT OUT QUICKLY- How many of you didn’t? I urge you to visit domesticviolencestatistics.org. I urge you to educate yourself.
Did you know that the state of Colorado along with Washington DC rank last in the nation for mental health? According to Mental Health America’s Annual Review Colorado is dead last for mental health care!! So, lets ask why? The people of Colorado on our last ballot voting measure voted NO to have oversight for settlement money coming into Colorado. Why would Colorado NOT want to know about the Oxycontin-Big Pharama-Purdue settlement? What about Big tobacco? Colorado will now receive n millions of dollars from these settlement with no oversight. Maybe ask yourself, are we the people of Colorado complicit in the fact that we are last in the nation for mental health? When you want to complain about homelessness, drug addiction and crime in our streets and communities, maybe we should ask ourselves why did we the people of Colorado not pay attention? Why didn’t we care? Oh, that’s right I forgot Officer Dillon Vakoff will take care of that. Right?
How many of you have been a victim of a sex crime? IT HAPPENED IN MY FAMILY- Please refer to nsvrc.org, or maybe vivtimsofcrime.org to learn more. All the information is out there all you have to do is open your eyes. Do some research. Care!!! That’s all I ask. Did you know that my family violator was an ILLEAGAL citizen? Our violator now bares my families last name legally. How is that even possible. Where is the justice? Trust me when I say “I called everyone from law enforcement to legislators even across state lines only for my story to fall on deaf ears!!! For those of you silently suffering, I hear you!! Seek help
So, at this point of my life all I can do is let go, move on and become a lion. I tried my best to be a productive member of society and raise my boys to have a good soul. This is when my eyes started to open. This is when I started to research and learn to discern information instead of just blindly listening and following all the opinions and trash talk that surrounds us. I started paying attention to my government and what they were doing. At this point I still didn’t quite understand the full capacity of what was happening. How many of you know? How many of you even care. I think that makes us complicit in bad government policy when we don’t care or know.
How many of you have experienced drug addiction? I HAVE- the rollercoaster ride that is addiction is the most horrific thing anyone, attached to it, can go through in this life. For the families and friends of an addict I understand. For the drug addict I understand. My son became addicted to pain killers recovering and injury in the military. It was scary to send my son into a war zone, after 9/11 I put on my cheerleading outfit and flew my flag. My duty was to support my son’s efforts to protect the constitution and our freedoms. He was Dillon’s hero and our family’s hero. Protocols, I’m hoping were changed after a meeting with CID. How many other veterans suffered the same fate? I’m sure the numbers are in the thousands. Drug addiction is the leading cause of death ages 18-45 in the United States according to CDC.gov. FYI I have tried to fight back, however the laws in Colorado are designed to protect the pharmaceutical companies, the rehabilitation centers and their insurers. I know from personal action. There is no justice and there is no remedy for the average person. Beware Colorado. Twenty-two other states practice in law comparative negligence. For those of you trying to recover when you are offered the miracle drug vivitrol, make sure the people administering this drug have protocol and procedures in place. I DID NOT- I am not a doctor or a nurse but was expected to be in my situation. According to a 9news source here in Colorado thousands, if not higher, have been injured or resulted in death from administering vivitrol because protocol of the manufacturer was not followed.
How many of you feel powerless? Want to fix what is broken in our systems. My son Officer Dillon Vakoff felt that way. He was set in motion to fix this broken world. He did everything in his power to be a positive light in everything he did and everyone who crossed his path. I am asking you to please hear me…..
My son gave to his country, he gave to his state, and he gave to his community everything he could to make a difference. He gave to the human condition….his LIFE!!!
I beg of you fellow Americans…. Please don’t fight with each other. Fight for the cause of good. Fight for what is broken. Do something meaningful and with purpose in whatever capacity you have to give. Again, ask yourself…how am I complicit, what can I do to help the human condition for the GOOD and ask what would Dillon do?
Part 8: The Fear of Disappointing- The Final Reflection
Thank you for joining me on this ten-month dive into the pervasive tendency to avoid disappointing others. The journey has been illuminating for me, allowing a window into some of the complex ways we maneuver through relationships. I can honestly say that I have so much more appreciation for what people must overcome to stay loyal to themselves and speak up. As we discovered, there are potent messages to confront, inherent risks to face, and a lot of pain to sift through in the process. Here’s what we explored:
Potent Myths
Risking disappointing others requires challenging numerous myths about relationships that we may not have recognized or thought through before. These emphasize caretaking, self-sacrifice, and loyalty. To upset someone means something has gone horribly wrong. Rather than challenge the myths, the assumption is that going against the grain is somehow a character flaw. Stepping out of this mess means realizing that shame-induced obedience is harmful. It means figuring out that the healthy alternative is to do exactly what you are told is wrong. These messages can be deeply embedded and heavily reinforced by friends and loved ones.
Being Different is Risky
Most times, these myths have grown out of experience. Those who have avoided disappointing others will have good reasons for doing so. Speaking up may have evoked angry cascades of insults, tears that evoke a sense of obligation and guilt, hostile silences, withdrawal of affection, and punishment. Some have dealt with people who are so cruel and dangerous that speaking up can be literally life-threatening. Whether subtle or overt, all of these experiences send a strong message that to being an independent person means risking the loss of love, acceptance, and safety. I want to reiterate, consider the context, determine benefits and risks, seek wise counsel, and trust your intuition. Whatever direction makes sense, rest assured that you have made the best choice available to you.
Grieving What Has Been Lost
Between the experiences themselves and the messages that have been embedded in the psyche, exposing all of this is painful. There is huge discomfort when it becomes apparent just how much these myths/expectations have cost. Authenticity has been sacrificed to make sure no one was made uncomfortable by your differences. Honesty has been compromised, creating a barrier to greater emotional depth and connection. It becomes harder and harder to know what is personally important or someone else’s expectation. If self-esteem and self-awareness are intact, resentment is highly likely. Even health can be impacted. Going along to get along will eventually whittle away physical health (disease is really dis-ease) and emotional well-being.
Needed Skills
Given life-experience, it is understandable if there is minimal foundation for how to proceed in a new, empowered way. If the myths are inaccurate, what is the healthy way? How does one formulate a strong response? If running out of the room screaming is not an option, what does it feel like to be centered and strong? What can be done when the relationship becomes fragile or distant? How can sanity be retained?
The good news is that this habitual dynamic of avoiding disappointing others can change with awareness, intention, skills, and support. One can unlearn what has been learned (did I just quote Yoda?) The very losses that have been painful to face can turn into powerful motivators for moving into new territory. Skills can be developed to weather the emotional and relational storms, and over time, success will quiet the anxiety and grow confidence. With the new goal, you can work towards building relationships based in honesty, respect, and a celebration of individuality.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
Anais Nin
** Please feel free to utilize the reflections, information, and strategies presented in previous articles:
- Part 1: The Quest: Determining What is So Terrifying About Disappointment
- Part 2: Fear of Disappointing Others- Disappointment Defined
- Part 3: Fear of Disappointing Others- When Helping is Harmful
- Part 4: Fear of Disappointing Others- Hoping the Problem Will Just Go Away
- Part 5: Fear of Disappointing Others- Dealing with the Consequences
- Part 6: Fear of Disappointing Others- Misplaced Responsibility
- Part 7: Fear of Disappointing Others- Insufficient Ways to Deal with Distress
Great Local Resource for Medications
I was introduced to a pharmacy that is almost too good to be true. The company is located in Denver and comes across like a family business with personable, capable staff and a delivery service that will bring the medication(s) to the location of your choice. The delivery window is usually within two hours and the driver will notify you when in route. (Please note that this information does not benefit me in any way. I share this with the hope of removing the hurdle around picking up medications)
Company: Capsule
Contact info: 303.223-2502 capsule.com
Part 7: Fear of Disappointing Others: Insufficient Ways to Deal with Distress
When the moment arises to speak up, disappointing another person can be especially tough to get through if we are not in a grounded place. Emotional and mental messiness is fertile ground for anxiety. Images of consequences, rifts, and failure come to the surface, just when we need to have our wits about us. We then talk in circles. We talk too fast and too much. We may even talk ourselves out of the boundary before the other person has said a word. It is possible to manage discomfort when disappointing someone and keep your sanity in the process. The key is intention, strategy, and lots of practice. Each of these steps are part of the foundation that builds resiliency.
Step 1: Prepare
- Be clear about what you need and determine the words that best convey it.
- For times the topic is particularly sensitive, talk it through with someone you trust. They might identify blind spots, edit statements that are unnecessarily provocative, and quiet worry with words of encouragement. **They are also invaluable to talk to after-the-fact, helping you debrief and recenter after you’ve taken such a courageous step.
- Identify a mantra that reminds you of why this boundary is important. It needs to be short and sweet so it can be played over and over in your mind. For example, when it came to setting a boundary with my daughter, I knew it was my job to teach her limits. That meant staying calm and kind while also being firm, no matter her response. My mantra was, “Be strong for her.”
- Consider the different responses you may receive, especially the ones that make you the most nervous. Identity the best response to stay on track.
Step 2: Set the Stage
- Don’t forget to center your body! Tune into where you feel physically strongest. I find that doing a few slow squats beforehand can be invaluable because I literally feel the strength I have when my muscles push up from the floor. It can also be helpful to identify a stance/posture that helps you feel substantial. When sitting with your spine straight, head up, and shoulders squared, you send a message of power without having to say a word.
- Use the environment to self-soothe or create space. For example, sit at a table so there is something between you and your audience. Use props- have a cup of tea or a glass of water that will give you something to focus on or pause.
Step 3: Give a Strong Delivery
- Stick to the main topic. It is common to talk a lot but communicate less when you’re nervous. Stay focused. Avoid tangents. Be precise.
- Continually check in with yourself to make sure you feel as grounded as possible. Breathe.
- Use “partial attention”, shifting between a benign activity and the conversation, allowing you to manage the amount of exposure to discomfort. This might include something as subtle as deep breaths, or something more overt like cooking while you talk.
- Repeatedly use your mantra when you feel your resolve slipping or anxiety increasing. Breathe.
- Unless there is an emergency, you can take your time. Allow yourself to pace.
- Did I mention “breathe”?
- You can always take a break, whether for a few minutes or for a day or two. Make sure your let your intention be known. Clarify that you need time to regroup or to consider what has been discussed thus far. Set a time you can both agree on to revisit the conversation.
Step 4: Relief and Recovery
- Pat yourself on the back for taking the risk and doing the best you could to speak up, no matter the outcome.
- Talk to someone separate from the situation who can help you process what happened and offer encouragement and reassurance.
- Find a way to release all the energy required to take this brave step.
- Think back on what occurred and consider tweaks that would help you continue to grow more confident and capable.
Remember, it is o.k. if implementing this strategy takes time. Go slowly and steadily, building courage and competence along the way. Start with manageable situations or patient people who are open to what you have to say. Once you have that foundation of skills underneath you, then start taking manageable risks.
With patience and persistence, you can learn to tolerate disappointing others. The capacity to cope means having the capacity to speak. Here’s to a future where you can say the hard things, disappoint people when you need to, and by so doing, enjoy the fruits of respectful, balanced relationships!
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. -Nelson Mandela
Another Threat to LGBTQ+ Rights
The community that embodies the beautiful diversity of sexual orientation and gender identity is under relentless attack. In Florida, this aggression has been most apparent as policy makers attempted to ban words. The “Don’t Say Gay Bill” has already passed the House. There are also efforts to rewrite history so kids in classrooms are prevented from feeling discomfort with topics like race, gender, and sexuality. If these efforts work, they will eliminate historical accuracy, remove the ability to engage in critical thinking and class discussion, and create entire generations of emotionally fragile people. Currently, legislation is attacking yet again, attempting to end insurance coverage for gender-affirming care. WPATH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health) issued this statement:
| FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE June 3, 2022 Contact: Cindi Creager, CreagerCole Communications (646) 279-4559, cindi@reagercole.com WPATH/USPATH Condemn Florida Agency’s Attack on Transgender Health Care The World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) and the United States Professional Association for Transgender Health (USPATH) condemn the Florida Agency for Health Care Administration for issuing a misleading and distorted report that aims to deny Medicaid coverage for transgender health care. “Florida’s assault on transgender communities has been relentless. This latest attack from the agency that oversees the Medicaid program comes just two months after the Department of Health targeted medically necessary health care for trans youth. As stated in USPATH’s detailed position statement responding to Florida’s actions: ‘These efforts lack scientific merit, and in some cases misinterpret or distort available data, or otherwise lend credence to individual opinions in the literature that are at odds with the overwhelming majority of experts and publications in this field.’ Florida’s health agencies have an obligation to support the health and wellbeing of its residents, including those who are transgender. The state has instead chosen to issue misleading and dangerous reports designed to harm transgender people. WPATH and USPATH will continue to challenge each and every one of these unconscionable attempts to thwart trans health care.” Click here to read the full press release. **Walter Bouman, WPATH President, quoted in AP article that has gone to many outlets including ABC News. Transgender youth treatment under fire in Florida again – ABC News – https://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory/transgender-youth-treatment-fire-florida-85171580 |
I do not have answers for how to join the fight against efforts to delegitimize entire groups of people and the rights that have taken years to build. If this is a community you want to help protect, please contact The Center on Colfax for their suggestions. This is a place in Denver dedicated as a safe and welcoming place for Colorado’s proud, diverse LGBTQ community.
Part 6: Fear of Disappointing Others- Misplaced Responsibility
Jane is furious that a friend, Lisa, did not respond when she called. “I never reach out after 9 p.m. so if I do, it’s urgent!” No voicemail message was left. Jane concluded that if Lisa did not pick up or notice an attempted call and get back to her right away, Lisa was not the kind of friend she wanted in her life. Meanwhile, miles away, Lisa is clueless that an entire friendship has just been flushed down the drain. Imagine what it will be like when Lisa casually reaches out to chat and finds Jane surly and demanding an apology.
Disappointments get more complicated when someone wants others to be responsible for their well-being. On the surface, it may seem like a simple request for support, but there are flags that the expectation is much greater. In Jane’s case, her reaction gives her away. She has not fully acknowledged to herself that she has a mental job description requiring friends to agree to an unending on-call shift. Any failure to show up in these moments is more than a disappointment; it is deemed a full-on betrayal. There is no consideration of anything other than Jane’s own distress. Maybe there were obligations requiring Lisa’s attention. Maybe Lisa never heard the phone. Maybe Lisa was running on fumes and turned her phone off for an uninterrupted night of self-care! There are all kinds of reasons why people are unable to meet every need, even when it is urgent.
The Hand-Off
We have all had times we want to vent, sharing our distress in the hopes getting out what would otherwise eat away at us. In these cases, the other person serves as a witness, to be curious, listen, and stay centered during the emotional storm. However, it is not uncommon for “venting” to really be a hand-off, “Here. You deal with it.”
Watch out for the times someone wants to talk to you without doing any emotional work on their own. They are looking to you for answers. They don’t know what they need, what options are available or considered potential biases or assumptions. This is the equivalent of going to a writing tutor and describing the assignment, then handing over a folder full of scribbled notes and incomplete ideas. If there is true ownership, they’ll have done processing on their own. They come to you for a second opinion or because they are at an impasse. Anything more than that is a request for you to put in the effort while they enjoy the bounty.
Tips to avoid this lose-lose situation:
- Refrain from giving advice whenever possible.
- Avoid always have something to say. Allow for silence, for only then will the person look for answers within.
- Determine if they are unable to meet the challenge or do not want to. Avoid doing for others what they can do for themselves.
- Life is messy sometimes. When you are tempted to rush in and fix things, just breathe.
- Be a supportive spectator rather than an active participant.
- Engage in behaviors that support your boundaries.
- Let go of their choices. It is their life, and they are the ones who live with the outcome.
- Be sure that the person who has the problem is the one doing the work.
- Help as little as possible. Provide support only to the degree it allows the person to regain balance.
Rest assured, refusing to cooperate and risking disappointing the other is a loving act. Always turning to others means that they do not get to make choices. They remain in a passive stance, waiting to be rescued. They do not learn how to grapple with different needs and beliefs, figuring out what really matters to them. They miss out on the chance to develop resiliency that only comes from falling flat on their faces. Hopefully, if you stay out of the way and give them room, they can develop tools and abilities that will serve them for years to come.