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Part 7: Fear of Disappointing Others: Insufficient Ways to Deal with Distress
When the moment arises to speak up, disappointing another person can be especially tough to get through if we are not in a grounded place. Emotional and mental messiness is fertile ground for anxiety. Images of consequences, rifts, and failure come to the surface, just when we need to have our wits about us. We then talk in circles. We talk too fast and too much. We may even talk ourselves out of the boundary before the other person has said a word. It is possible to manage discomfort when disappointing someone and keep your sanity in the process. The key is intention, strategy, and lots of practice. Each of these steps are part of the foundation that builds resiliency.
Step 1: Prepare
- Be clear about what you need and determine the words that best convey it.
- For times the topic is particularly sensitive, talk it through with someone you trust. They might identify blind spots, edit statements that are unnecessarily provocative, and quiet worry with words of encouragement. **They are also invaluable to talk to after-the-fact, helping you debrief and recenter after you’ve taken such a courageous step.
- Identify a mantra that reminds you of why this boundary is important. It needs to be short and sweet so it can be played over and over in your mind. For example, when it came to setting a boundary with my daughter, I knew it was my job to teach her limits. That meant staying calm and kind while also being firm, no matter her response. My mantra was, “Be strong for her.”
- Consider the different responses you may receive, especially the ones that make you the most nervous. Identity the best response to stay on track.
Step 2: Set the Stage
- Don’t forget to center your body! Tune into where you feel physically strongest. I find that doing a few slow squats beforehand can be invaluable because I literally feel the strength I have when my muscles push up from the floor. It can also be helpful to identify a stance/posture that helps you feel substantial. When sitting with your spine straight, head up, and shoulders squared, you send a message of power without having to say a word.
- Use the environment to self-soothe or create space. For example, sit at a table so there is something between you and your audience. Use props- have a cup of tea or a glass of water that will give you something to focus on or pause.
Step 3: Give a Strong Delivery
- Stick to the main topic. It is common to talk a lot but communicate less when you’re nervous. Stay focused. Avoid tangents. Be precise.
- Continually check in with yourself to make sure you feel as grounded as possible. Breathe.
- Use “partial attention”, shifting between a benign activity and the conversation, allowing you to manage the amount of exposure to discomfort. This might include something as subtle as deep breaths, or something more overt like cooking while you talk.
- Repeatedly use your mantra when you feel your resolve slipping or anxiety increasing. Breathe.
- Unless there is an emergency, you can take your time. Allow yourself to pace.
- Did I mention “breathe”?
- You can always take a break, whether for a few minutes or for a day or two. Make sure your let your intention be known. Clarify that you need time to regroup or to consider what has been discussed thus far. Set a time you can both agree on to revisit the conversation.
Step 4: Relief and Recovery
- Pat yourself on the back for taking the risk and doing the best you could to speak up, no matter the outcome.
- Talk to someone separate from the situation who can help you process what happened and offer encouragement and reassurance.
- Find a way to release all the energy required to take this brave step.
- Think back on what occurred and consider tweaks that would help you continue to grow more confident and capable.
Remember, it is o.k. if implementing this strategy takes time. Go slowly and steadily, building courage and competence along the way. Start with manageable situations or patient people who are open to what you have to say. Once you have that foundation of skills underneath you, then start taking manageable risks.
With patience and persistence, you can learn to tolerate disappointing others. The capacity to cope means having the capacity to speak. Here’s to a future where you can say the hard things, disappoint people when you need to, and by so doing, enjoy the fruits of respectful, balanced relationships!
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. -Nelson Mandela
Another Threat to LGBTQ+ Rights
The community that embodies the beautiful diversity of sexual orientation and gender identity is under relentless attack. In Florida, this aggression has been most apparent as policy makers attempted to ban words. The “Don’t Say Gay Bill” has already passed the House. There are also efforts to rewrite history so kids in classrooms are prevented from feeling discomfort with topics like race, gender, and sexuality. If these efforts work, they will eliminate historical accuracy, remove the ability to engage in critical thinking and class discussion, and create entire generations of emotionally fragile people. Currently, legislation is attacking yet again, attempting to end insurance coverage for gender-affirming care. WPATH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health) issued this statement:
| FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE June 3, 2022 Contact: Cindi Creager, CreagerCole Communications (646) 279-4559, cindi@reagercole.com WPATH/USPATH Condemn Florida Agency’s Attack on Transgender Health Care The World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) and the United States Professional Association for Transgender Health (USPATH) condemn the Florida Agency for Health Care Administration for issuing a misleading and distorted report that aims to deny Medicaid coverage for transgender health care. “Florida’s assault on transgender communities has been relentless. This latest attack from the agency that oversees the Medicaid program comes just two months after the Department of Health targeted medically necessary health care for trans youth. As stated in USPATH’s detailed position statement responding to Florida’s actions: ‘These efforts lack scientific merit, and in some cases misinterpret or distort available data, or otherwise lend credence to individual opinions in the literature that are at odds with the overwhelming majority of experts and publications in this field.’ Florida’s health agencies have an obligation to support the health and wellbeing of its residents, including those who are transgender. The state has instead chosen to issue misleading and dangerous reports designed to harm transgender people. WPATH and USPATH will continue to challenge each and every one of these unconscionable attempts to thwart trans health care.” Click here to read the full press release. **Walter Bouman, WPATH President, quoted in AP article that has gone to many outlets including ABC News. Transgender youth treatment under fire in Florida again – ABC News – https://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory/transgender-youth-treatment-fire-florida-85171580 |
I do not have answers for how to join the fight against efforts to delegitimize entire groups of people and the rights that have taken years to build. If this is a community you want to help protect, please contact The Center on Colfax for their suggestions. This is a place in Denver dedicated as a safe and welcoming place for Colorado’s proud, diverse LGBTQ community.
Part 6: Fear of Disappointing Others- Misplaced Responsibility
Jane is furious that a friend, Lisa, did not respond when she called. “I never reach out after 9 p.m. so if I do, it’s urgent!” No voicemail message was left. Jane concluded that if Lisa did not pick up or notice an attempted call and get back to her right away, Lisa was not the kind of friend she wanted in her life. Meanwhile, miles away, Lisa is clueless that an entire friendship has just been flushed down the drain. Imagine what it will be like when Lisa casually reaches out to chat and finds Jane surly and demanding an apology.
Disappointments get more complicated when someone wants others to be responsible for their well-being. On the surface, it may seem like a simple request for support, but there are flags that the expectation is much greater. In Jane’s case, her reaction gives her away. She has not fully acknowledged to herself that she has a mental job description requiring friends to agree to an unending on-call shift. Any failure to show up in these moments is more than a disappointment; it is deemed a full-on betrayal. There is no consideration of anything other than Jane’s own distress. Maybe there were obligations requiring Lisa’s attention. Maybe Lisa never heard the phone. Maybe Lisa was running on fumes and turned her phone off for an uninterrupted night of self-care! There are all kinds of reasons why people are unable to meet every need, even when it is urgent.
The Hand-Off
We have all had times we want to vent, sharing our distress in the hopes getting out what would otherwise eat away at us. In these cases, the other person serves as a witness, to be curious, listen, and stay centered during the emotional storm. However, it is not uncommon for “venting” to really be a hand-off, “Here. You deal with it.”
Watch out for the times someone wants to talk to you without doing any emotional work on their own. They are looking to you for answers. They don’t know what they need, what options are available or considered potential biases or assumptions. This is the equivalent of going to a writing tutor and describing the assignment, then handing over a folder full of scribbled notes and incomplete ideas. If there is true ownership, they’ll have done processing on their own. They come to you for a second opinion or because they are at an impasse. Anything more than that is a request for you to put in the effort while they enjoy the bounty.
Tips to avoid this lose-lose situation:
- Refrain from giving advice whenever possible.
- Avoid always have something to say. Allow for silence, for only then will the person look for answers within.
- Determine if they are unable to meet the challenge or do not want to. Avoid doing for others what they can do for themselves.
- Life is messy sometimes. When you are tempted to rush in and fix things, just breathe.
- Be a supportive spectator rather than an active participant.
- Engage in behaviors that support your boundaries.
- Let go of their choices. It is their life, and they are the ones who live with the outcome.
- Be sure that the person who has the problem is the one doing the work.
- Help as little as possible. Provide support only to the degree it allows the person to regain balance.
Rest assured, refusing to cooperate and risking disappointing the other is a loving act. Always turning to others means that they do not get to make choices. They remain in a passive stance, waiting to be rescued. They do not learn how to grapple with different needs and beliefs, figuring out what really matters to them. They miss out on the chance to develop resiliency that only comes from falling flat on their faces. Hopefully, if you stay out of the way and give them room, they can develop tools and abilities that will serve them for years to come.
Part 5: Fear of Disappointing Others- Dealing with the Consequences
Speaking up for ourselves can bring up significant distress. Many articles on the subject conclude that the discomfort is really about insecurity. For example, Sicinski states, “The fear of rejection is an irrational fear that has you convinced that people won’t accept or approve of you due to your opinions, looks, personality, values, beliefs or behavior.”[1] There is no question that anxieties can become debilitating. They feel so real that we conclude the environment is dangerous. Whether or not our hesitancy reflects reality can be hard to tell.
However, I struggle with his adjective “irrational.” This implies that the fear of disappointing someone, particularly the potential of being judged or rejected, is without reason. If we take the time to dig deeper, we will find that the fear has context. For example, if every time I cried, I was called a name, I’d quickly learn not only will my need for support go unmet, but I will also feel worse than I did before I reached out. If I’ve been rejected by a group because I did or said something they did not approve of, I’ve been shown that my thoughts or feelings can lead to rejection. The “irrational” fear is really dread that the past will repeat itself.
This fear is not always about the past coloring the present; it may also be an intuitive warning about the situation at hand. Risking disappointing someone may threaten the connection to the other person or sometimes, the entire relationship. Does the following sound familiar?
- Interactions become tense. This is especially common when the other person feels wronged. The discomfort may be brief, or it might endure.
- Someone “goes dark” through the silent treatment or ghosting.
- Interactions may also take on a superficial quality.
- Defensive maneuvers like lashing out, name calling, or weaponizing vulnerabilities develop.
- Power struggles ensue to maintain the status quo. This may include constant boundary pushing or recruiting other people for additional pressure.
- Guilt is used to undermine confidence, based on the myths that a relationship should always be comfortable and needs met no matter how unreasonable. Here are some examples clients have been told: “I guess we are not as close as we used to be.” “How could you do this to me? I’m doing my best and all you do is complain.” “A real friend would show up and be there. Your obvious not a real friend or someone I could ever count on.” Ouch.
- The relationship ends.
Fact: there are very real risks when we disappoint someone. It is important, therefore, to identify the deeper reason for the fear and determine what is at stake. Determine what can be mitigated, what can be tolerated, and the costs/benefits. Be sure to have a support system that can counter defensive reactions and cheerlead when resolve wanes. Ensure you have enough skills to manage the discomfort that naturally occurs when disappointment surfaces. It may be necessary to brace for loss, whether it means saying goodbye to the ease of the connection for a while or in some cases, the entire relationship. Finally, have a strategy to deal with whatever may come during the conversation and what follows. I once heard a quote, “Failure to plan is planning to fail.”
To face disappointing someone is an act of courage. While I promote openness and honesty, it can be easier said than done. Consider your context, determine benefits and risks, and listen to your intuition. Whatever direction makes sense, you can rest assured that you have made the best choice available to you.
1 https://blog.iqmatrix.com/fear-of-rejection
Youtube videos that offer mantras:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGgN2-6b3xg– Mantras
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAjBtPqVOSY– Answering Questions
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4jzzDYLgro- this video not only highlights the detriments of constant focus on what others think, it highlights some noteworthy people and how they have tried to desensitize or conquer this tendency
Part 4: Fear of Disappointing Others – Hoping the Problem Will Just Go Away
It is understandable that we want to avoid those things that are uncomfortable or involve risk. Even after being in the field for 25 years, I don’t relish the fact that some feedback I give is painful and hard to hear. It is tempting to try a variety of methods to force a situation away to avoid our own disappointment or disappointment we might evoke in another person. These might include pretending the feelings or event never happened (denial), acting as if the situation is not that big a deal (minimizing), or stuffing the feelings inside. Others might also encourage you with the incredibly unhelpful advice to “get over it and move on”. No matter how badly we want to avoid disappointment, it is important to acknowledge that these tactics lead to sacrifices:
It Compromises Self-respect
In the interest of keeping the peace, there is self-denial. In that denial, needs have no way to get met. Our primary advocate (ourselves) cannot or will not speak up. We may feel safe/comfortable by avoiding conflict, but it also means we have disowned our hearts and abandoned ourselves.
Closeness Shifts to Superficiality
An uncomfortable truth: we are not being honest. When we hold back what is bothering us, we deliberately hide parts of ourselves. This is the opposite of authenticity. Meanwhile, the other person thinks things are fine when they are not. They live in a fantasy of our creation. The amount of intimacy in relationship is directly linked to the amount of real vulnerability. If we cannot fully give of ourselves, there is no foundation for genuine connection.
Stagnation Versus Growth
When we withhold our feelings, we are not doing either person any favors. We are destined to hold onto the pain of unexpressed strife and reinforce the habit of losing our voice. The other person is denied the opportunity to hear honest feedback and develop new ways to engage. Instead, they unknowingly continue behaviors that are hurtful, concerning, destructive or irresponsible. For both parties, patterns are reinforced through silence. No one wins; no one grows.
Our Concerns Ooze
Without direct expression, emotions and needs come out indirectly. Resentment is a common biproduct because conscious or not, we see the situation as unfair. Tremendous energy is expended to keep feelings at bay and still live with the unmet need. Meanwhile, the other person is blissfully ignorant that anything is wrong and enjoys the relationship carefree. That’s when our desire for things to be righted start to poke through. Obvious forms occur when our voices sound terse because we have clamped down our ability to speak freely or our words have a harsh quality, having emerged through gritted teeth. We may even begin to withhold in some way or avoid the person as a form of retaliation. Even though we created this situation through repression, the fault has been firmly placed on the other person because of their ignorance.
The more insidious and often overlooked impact is outlined in Gabor Mate’s book, “The Body Says No.” He states, “Emotional experiences are translated into potentially damaging biological events when human beings are prevented from learning how to express their feelings effectively.” He references a body of research that emphasizes the link between dis/ease and illnesses such as breast cancer, arthritis, diabetes, IBS, and multiple sclerosis. In short, what we do not address will turn in on the body, eroding physical well-being.
No matter how much we wish things would resolve themselves without disappointment and discomfort, it is just not possible. Disappointment is inevitable. If we do not address our concerns and take the risk of discomfort, we are destined to deal with the damaging effects repression causes.
“What is in us must out, otherwise we may explode at the wrong places or become hopelessly hemmed in by frustrations. The great art is to express our vitality through the particular channels and at the particular speed Nature foresaw for us.” -Hans Selye
Part 3: Fear of Disappointing Others – When Helping Is Harmful
It is understandable that we want to be empathic and caring toward each other and do what we can to prevent causing another pain. This is not just a value system; it is hardwired into our very being!
Through my exploration on this topic, I came across some fascinating facts that I can’t help but share: the Stanford Vision and Neuro-Development Lab found that 14-18-month-old babies are likely to pick up something for someone without prompting. Four months later, many babies have developed a form of empathy, bringing a toy or a treat the other has shown to have enjoyed in the past, even if it is different from their preferences! At the University of Washington’s Institute for Learning & Brain Sciences, researchers found that altruism was seen in nearly 100 19-month-olds. Children, even when hungry, gave a tasty snack to a stranger in need!
When it comes to disappointment, our altruism tends to be preventative. We avoid the topic to prevent discomfort in the other person. In times we express concern, we recant if the other person becomes upset. These choices have good intentions, just like the babies mentioned above. However, there are times our desire to keep the other person comfortable has the exact opposite effect of being helpful.
Our problem lies in the basic fact that pain signals that something needs our attention. If we act as if nothing is taking place, there is no ability to address the issue. This has significant consequences. First, we can’t be honest. Being “nice” in these instances means pretending to feel content/happy when we are not. One person denies, the other person does not know that they are not dealing with the reality of what is happening in the relationship. Second, avoiding the issue lets it fester. As our needs or concerns go unaddressed, resentment builds, we become more closed off, and the connection takes on a superficial quality. To have honest connections, we will not always be warm and fuzzy. Sometimes true support means allowing distress to be a wakeup call. It lets us each recognize that we are separate people who must negotiate how to be in a relationship. We also owe it to one another to stop harmful, irresponsible behavior.
While it is not helpful to avoid necessary discomfort, it is also important not to cause unnecessary pain. We can be honest and kind at the same time. It is already going to be hard for the other person. They may have to deal with shock of blind spots uncovered. There might be shame that emerges if their intentions/values do not match their actions. Then there is the natural struggle against the limits we don’t like to admit are part of life. Clearly, there is a lot of important, humbling work being done in this exchange. Let’s do our best to deliver the message in a respectful, sensitive way.
***Please note that there are inherent risks in speaking up. If there are safety concerns or if the risks far outweigh the benefits, it is important to take these factors into consideration. If your intuition warns you, it is important to listen and choose wisely.
Journal exercise:
- What messages have you been told about disappointing others?
- Are these messages you would pass on to others? Why/why not?
- What is the perceived benefit of protecting the other from disappointment?
- What is at stake if you take the risk to speak up?
- When you stay silent to avoid distress, what is the impact on you? On the other person? On the relationship?
- What is needed for you to be able to set boundaries, address concerns, etc.?
Part 2: Fear of Disappointing Others: Disappointment Defined
Disappointment is the grief we feel when reality falls far short from what we had hoped. It is a mixture of anger (not o.k.!), and sadness (loss) that naturally occurs when dreams fall flat, things change, accidents happen, or situations are beyond our control. Sometimes these moments are minor, like a friend not being available when you wanted to have a spontaneous date. These usually result in a sigh and some resignation. Then there are louder disappointments like learning the person you are dating is no longer interested in you, or a major part of your support system is moving away. No matter how hard we try, we are destined to experience disappointments throughout our lifetime.
People, especially the ones we love the most, will regularly disappoint us. Their needs, motivations, demands, and limitations will often not match our own, and that can be hard to swallow. For example, when my daughter, Avery, was crawling faster than I could drive, I both adored and would become exhausted by her curiosity. She wanted to be held, read to, rocked, and played with. Then she would become grumpy, push me away, and pull out all the books on the shelves for the eighth time in the last hour. Constant vigilance was required to make sure she did not crawl out of the crib (again!) or torment the cat (again!). After hours on end, I’d need a break. I’d head off to the only place I could have solace, the bathroom. As I sat on the edge of the tub, trying to center myself, the screaming would start. Between sobs I could hear her confusion and hurt. “Where did you go? Why didn’t you take me with you? I know you’re in there! Why won’t you let me in?” Soon, little fingers were poking under the door, literally searching for me. Despite her pleas, I spoke only once, “I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Until I was ready, the door remained shut.
Avery and I were both in the middle of being painfully disappointed. For her, she was shocked that unlike the womb, her need would not always be met. She was fine when the amount of closeness or the activities we did were on her terms; she did not like it when I did not go along with her plans. There were limits. I would not always be there, nor would I always be warm and fuzzy. Sometimes I could be annoyed, angry, or dare I say, a big brat.
Meanwhile, I had nothing left. Where was the nanny who would allow me to disappear to a lovely spa? Why did I have to be the scullery maid who had to be available whenever called? I lamented, “My patience has limits! Her needs are endless! Make this stop!” I had fantasies that loving my daughter meant being there for her, being liked and liking her, and us both full of smiles. The truth being revealed is love expressed through self-care, setting limits, and realistic expectations is painful. I wanted to be seen as the sweet, loving mom. For now, I had to cope with looking more like a mean ogre.
The first step in our quest is to identify and sit with the beliefs about disappointment that make it seem somehow pathological and something that should be avoided, no matter how much we must sacrifice along the way. Disappointment will happen; it just will. Even if we hold back what we need in relationships to try to prevent it, life is not so accommodating. Better to accept this reality and learn to face the hurt so we develop the tools to cope and build resiliency for when it inevitably comes.
Here are a few questions to consider:
- What have I been taught about disappointment and by whom?
- What has experience taught me about disappointment?
- What are my beliefs now? How does that impact how I show up in relationships?
- What patterns emerge when I’m disappointed? How about when the other person is disappointed in me?
- What are my core fears about disappointment?
- If I could go back in time and talk to myself at age seven, what message(s) would I tell myself?
Next step: we’ll be exploring what factors prevent people from being willing or able to risk disappointing others.
