articles
articles
Subscribe and receive helpful information & updates.
Reconsidering Our Christmas Gift Spending
Are you facing piles of catalogs, radio commercials, and emails/texts offering “Black Friday Discounts” at every turn? Do you have mailbox anxiety every time you open the lid and see stacks of ads? AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! There is a wonderful podcast by Tim Harford, called “Cautionary Tales.” In his December 2022 episode called, “The Company That Cancelled Christmas“, he highlighted that our Christmas culture is not only relentless, it is also based on assumptions and unhelpful traditions. For example, how many times do we receive gifts we do not want- that basket of soaps that smells like a JC Penny perfume counter, or the singing fish gag gift we took home after the office elephant gift exchange. Rather than rethinking what we are doing, we just do the whole thing again the next year. Research suggests that if we quantify the amount of enjoyment produced for every $20 spent, we are consistently losing $2-4 dollars! Even worse, our wallets suffer to keep up. According to the book, Scroogenomics, economic waste equates to eighty-five billion dollars each winter!
If you’d like to a chance to consider the assumptions and traditions we have around this time of year, I urge you to listen to the podcast (you can get away with listening to just the last ten minutes and get some really great perspective) or read the book mentioned above. They provide insight and ideas for how to enjoy gift giving without losing our minds or our wallets. Hopefully, each of us can rethink our approach so together we can reclaim the true meaning of the holidays.
The Developmental Needs of the Elderly, Part I
I was sitting in a hot tub on vacation and happened to have a gaggle of teenagers within earshot, talking about their adventures and relationship dramas of the day (Warming: I’m about to sound really, really old), when I was struck by the cyclical experience of human development. The conversations were so similar to the ones I had at that time in my life- the same concerns, the same pressures, and the same hopes. It was fun to see the world through their eyes, but I also had huge relief that over the decades, my priorities have changed. I couldn’t help but wonder what it might be like for elders, who have even more wisdom and experience under their belt. How might that change what it is like in later years?
Like those teenagers, younger generations have certain priorities. Many of us are busy juggling multiple demands so efficiency and quick decision making are key to keeping up. With elders, this is not the focus- they have a different relationship to time and pressures we may not be able to fathom. What life is like and all they juggle is hard to fully comprehend until it is our turn. My hope is that in the next two articles, I can provide a peek into one facet of their experience: the two developmental tasks they must address. Hopefully, this perspective will increase understanding so we can find common ground and enjoy meaningful connections.
The first important work elderly people address is a life review. This is when someone determines where their life has taken them and the legacy they are leaving behind. It can allow joy in those moments of success and adventure; and bring up regrets and unfinished business. As the person listening, these conversations can be rich, learning about historical facts that have shaped the dynamics in your family. You may learn about a time in history you would never get to hear in nuanced detail. It may also be a chance to clarify your own values and underscore the legacy you’re going to leave behind and how that might direct our decisions at this point in our lives.
One of the most prominent traits that are part of this process are non-linear conversations. Rather than having a clear story arc or even a connection to the topic previously being discussed, topics may arise in unexpected moments. It’s going to be this messiness that allows the raw material for creation and connection to occur. The focus is on the meat, not the journey to get there. (At the bottom of the article is a great example of this developmental work.)
Some particulars to this process-
- There may not be a clear sequence. They may seemingly go off task, but often, these tangents are rich. Things may surface at given times because they have a specific connection to what was before, yet it may not always be clear what that connection is.
- They repeat the same stories: there may be several reasons for this. They may not remember they’ve told the story before, they keep emphasizing the stories because there is high significance, or there is something in the story that points to something unresolved that they are trying to make sense of.
- Embedded in the stories are core values and central themes, the raw materials used to later define a sense of legacy.
- The speaker may know that a story is important but may not be aware of how it fits into the legacy.
Actions We Can Take:
Take Time to Settle In
There are many types of people who need time to warm up to a topic with other dialogue first. They are getting comfortable and gauging how receptive we are. Ex: a man on medical rounds at a nursing home noticed that one of his patience loved to knit. When he began bringing her small balls of yarn, she began looking forward to their interviews rather than resisting his intrusion. By adapting to her settling rituals, she was able to focus more quickly, making the time spent together more productive.
Slow Down
They may be thinking back years ago and taking time to get a clear picture before sharing more. Sometimes there may be cognitive challenges that make it hard to find the words needed to convey the message. Learn to go with the flow and accept topics as they emerge. Pauses and quiet moments will occur- resist the urge to fill the space. Allow it to unfold.
Reflect
Listen for themes and patterns. What is being emphasized? Summarize the lesson or moral significance. Share observations; ask questions that prompt further review.
Don’t Fix
Strong emotions may surface. Please work against the urge to “fix” anything or offer platitudes. It’s important not to whitewash the past. Instead, listen with compassion, remembering that this is part of the work they must do to find some kind of peace.
Be Present and Intentional
This is the time when you are giving them a gift; to be seen and heard, something that may be less common as their world shrinks and they feel invisible. You might be that loving presence they are hungry for. Whenever possible, keep in mind the important work they are doing. With a deep breath, practice curiosity, gentleness, and caring. As often as possible, be without an agenda. What elders most likely want from you is for you simply to be with them. Ultimately, this is the best gift you can give.
The holidays are on the horizon so there is no better time to practice the strategies listed above. Best of all, the very work you are doing to be part of the conversation will enrich conversations you have will all the people in your life. Here’s hoping that you have moments of genuine connection and enriching perspectives.
Here is a beautiful story that highlights exactly what I’m talking about, provided by a client without a source included:
GRANDMA’S HANDS
Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench.. She didn’t move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands.
When I sat down beside her she didn’t acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. ‘Yes, I’m fine, thank you for asking,’ she said in a clear voice strong….
‘I didn’t mean to disturb you, grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK,’ I explained to her.
‘Have you ever looked at your hands,’ she asked. ‘I mean really looked at your hands?’
I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making.
Grandma smiled and related this story:
‘Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. ‘They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child, my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war.’They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse. ‘They have held my children and grandchildren, my beloved pets, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn’t understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. These hands are the mark of where I’ve been and the ruggedness of life. But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of God.’
I will never look at my hands the same again. But I remember God reached out and took my grandma’s hands and led her home. When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and husband I think of grandma. I know she has been stroked and caressed and held by the hands of God.
Six Week Class: Adventures in Eldercare
Starting September 10th, I will be leading a six week Sunday School Class on Eldercare. I hope to help people learn, share, and support each other as we explore the unique experience of caring for loved ones during this stage of life. Please feel free to join us!
September 10th: Developmental Perspectives
September 17th: Legacy Work ****We do not meet on 9/24/23
October 1st: Avoiding Power Struggles
October 8th: Hard Conversations
October 15th: Grief
October 22nd: Self-care
Location: Arvada United Methodist Church: 6750 Carr St. Arvada https://www.arvadaumc.org/
Time: 9:10-9:50 a.m.
Healthcare: Challenges for Women
Awhile back, I was sitting in my OBGYN’s office, anxious to hear what could be done about the night sweats that were significantly impacting my sleep. (One night with interrupted sleep is enough to make me grumpy. A few nights in a row, I may be found growling in the corner with a box of Nutterbutter cookies held protectively in my lap). I will never forget HER words…. “Welcome to your forties.” There were no blood tests conducted, nor an exploration of nutrition or behavioral changes that could be contributing factors. If she had dug a little deeper, she would have been able to identify side effects from a medication that could easily be addressed with a few tweaks. Instead, my plea for help was simply brushed off, told this is the inevitable suffering women must endure in their midlife. In utter shock, I realized I had just been given a cold blast of reality- women’s health is notoriously not taken seriously and it only gets worse with age.
For some reason, science and medicine have largely ignored half of the human population. According to an article in Women’s Health, they found a pattern of women feeling their symptoms are minimized, they feel judged by staff, language is used by providers that does not ensure understanding, and they are given recommendations without discussing the full range of options and the pros/cons involved. How does a woman advocate for herself when there is so much working against her?
Behind the scenes, this experience is the outcome of many factors and attitudes. Here are a few examples:
- Women have been excluded in higher education and research, removing the very voices who would speak to this gap and have a vested interest in learning how to address and care for women’s needs. **If you are interested in reading a fictional story highlighting roadblocks female researchers experience, read, “Lessens in Chemistry” by Bonnie Garmus.
- Researchers have shared concerns about impacts on fertility or the possibility that hormones could impact the results. The latter is particularly confusing because these elements need to be included in data if we want to understand women. For example, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) excluded females of “child-bearing potential” from clinical trials from 1977 through 1993. This even extended to mice.
- Contradictorily, researchers have also assumed that women basically share the same anatomy as men. Never mind major differences in bone structure, center of gravity, sex organs, distributions of weight and strength, etc. This has major implications. When studying for car safety, for example, crash dummies have largely had a male physique. This has been seen as a major contributor to the statistic that women are 73% more likely to be injured and 17% more likely to die in vehicular crashes. (See link below)
- Women’s experience has been pathologized. In mental health, Freud labeled the distress his female clients described as “hysteria”. This comes from the Greek word meaning “uterus” and refers to ungovernable emotional excess. Despite repeatedly hearing about traumatic experiences, he chose not to trust their reports. Instead, he developed theoretical ideas like “penis envy” to explain what he was seeing.
We have some major challenges ahead of us, so let’s face them head on!!!! Let’s claim a major role in our health, seeing ourselves as part of a team and not just the passive recipients of care. For women and people with uteri, the stats show this is especially true. You are your greatest advocate! Here are a few ways you can do this:
- If you have any hunches about what is going on, do your research. Find out about the diagnoses, what symptoms and severities exist, and treatment options are available. Include holistic treatments (ex: acupuncture, exercise, diet, lifestyle) and services (ex: case management, support groups). Pay special attention to recent developments to ensure you know all you can. I love this quote, “An educated patient is an empowered patient.” (Source unknown)
- Compile a list of questions before your visit. Don’t be afraid to have articles at the ready or at least sources to reference when you bring up something from #1.
- Consider an online or in-person support group. They may have suggestions or experiences with insider intel that may be invaluable.
- When you talk with your provider, consider the quality of the interaction and relationship. Do they ask questions to get a good understanding of your experience? Do they invite collaboration? Do you feel heard? Do you feel your knowledge and boundaries are respected? Do they talk to you in a way you can understand? If you have concerns, take this seriously. Even if they are experts in the field, a problematic relationship will impact the care you receive.
- When you leave, there should be “next steps” outlined. Sometimes providers rule things out but do not state how to move forward. Other times, the provider may have done all they can and feel their work is done. Push for direction so you do not have constant dead ends to contend with.
- Do not be afraid to ask for a second opinion. Doctors are human and can make mistakes. When you are uncertain, it is better to be safe than sorry.
We are blessed to have so much knowledge and treatments available like never before. Yet it is so important to not forget that human beings are a major part of the equation. To ensure you get the care you need, advocate! We are still dealing with inequalities, so let’s use our spunk, fortitude, and voices to make sure we are always taken seriously!
“Each time a woman stands up for herself, without knowing it possibly, without claiming it, she stands up for all women.” -Maya Angelou
Resources
https://fortune.com/2021/03/09/womens-health-research-fda-trials/
https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2022/12/15/world/female-car-crash-test-dummy-spc-intl/index.html://forthttps://psychnews.psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/pn.36.14.0009
Happy Pride Month!!!
This is a time when we get to celebrate sexual and gender diversity, a reminder that human beings embody rich varieties of experiences and identities. The community also invites reconsideration of norms; norms that are so embedded in our culture that they are largely invisible. For the LGBTQ+ community, this process requires breathtaking courage, especially now. There is a surge of hostility in our society that is moving into public policy. According to the Human Rights Campaign, there have been more than 400 anti-LGBTQ+ bills introduced this year in states across the country. If I look beyond the political benefits of energizing groups through scapegoating, I genuinely cannot understand the fervor around restricting rights and rendering an entire group of people invisible. These bills remove freedoms, meddle with evidence-based medical treatments, restrict self-expression, ban literature, and even forbid schools from acknowledging the existence of LGBTQ+ families.
My friend also showed breathtaking ignorance that sexual orientation in the form of heteronormativity is taught from the moment we are born. Rather than give a list of examples, please watch this youtube video. Through an exercise in empathy, the segment highlights what it means to grow up in our society and the myriad of ways someone is required to hide, pretend, and feel shame about themselves if they do not fit into what is deemed the “norm.” (If you wonder what kind of impacts this has, here is a glimpse: mental health impacts).
Regarding HB 1557, there is no question that it is a barely concealed attack on the LGBTQ+ community since its nickname is the “Don’t Say Gay Bill.” Florida’s ACLU chapter writes:
[The Parental Rights in Education Bill] is a government censorship bill that would ban classroom discussions related to sexual orientation and gender identity in schools. It would silence students from speaking about their LGBTQ+ family members, friends, neighbors, and icons. It would also bar LGBTQ+ students from talking about their own lives, experiences, and families and would deny their very existence. The dangerously vague provisions in the bill would have a chilling effect on support for LGBTQ+ youth by creating new costly liabilities for school districts. Under the bill’s provisions, parents unsupportive of a district’s policies would be given broad powers to sue for damages and attorney’s fees.
What is not included in the ACLU’s statement are the dangers that emerge within the school community. What might happen if a homophobic/transphobic parent gets wind of any student, family, or teacher who has a different sexual orientation or gender identity from them? What kind of hostility might emerge? How might the community turn on them? What if that student ends up being the child of that parent? Ironically, HB 1557 gives us a taste…
I stated earlier that Pride Month is a time to celebrate, but it is more than that. It will hopefully be the continuation or the beginning of the time to take a stand: stand with our LGBTQ+ friends and their right to live full, rich lives; stand against the efforts to vilify and oppress the community; and stand tall when anyone tries to diminish you for your advocacy.
Definition
Heteronormativity- a set of assumptions that suggest that what is normal and natural is heterosexuality. Heterosexuality is deemed superior to other sexual orientations and can lead to the actions that restrict, shame, and dehumanize anyone who does not fit into this category.
https://www.hrc.org/campaigns/the-state-legislative-attack-on-lgbtq-people
Changing Minds Part 3: Time to Engage
It’s time to get back to discussing strategies to use when we disagree with others and when the outcome of a discussion has huge implications. In part 1, we explored our position and why a topic matters to us. In part 2, core principles were introduced to promote openness and respect in the interaction. This last section is about the all-important conversation we’ve been working towards. The following are the specific steps to take, putting together all of the prep work.
- Ask them to identify their beliefs. It is important to be clear about the topic since the rest of the conversation requires mutual understanding of what is being discussed.
- Repeat their viewpoint and confirm understanding. One of the greatest diffusors in uncomfortable conversations is ensuring the other person feels heard. Provide frequent summaries and ask if you have it right. Do not move onto the next step until not only you know, but they know you know what they are trying to say. (Good luck making sense of that sentence!)
- Identify their definitions and use their terminology. It is a common assumption that because we speak the same language and use the same words, we are on the same page. You’d be surprised how often this is far from accurate. Double check!
- On a scale of 0-10, ask how confident they feel about their position . This has two primary benefits. First, it lets you know where you are starting from. Even if there is not total alignment by the end, any shift in thinking says this interaction has made a difference. Second, it helps them transition into the next stage, when there is a shift into the way they are thinking rather than what they are thinking. Called “metacognition, it is when we get out of the weeds of entrenched positions and look at things from an observer standpoint.
- Ask the other person to articulate their position. Ask the other person to name what they think, feel, and believe. Discover, often together, their true motivations and goals. Identify what makes them feel confident in their position. Explore vulnerable personal experiences that can turn a talking point into something specific and meaningful. If they offer several reasons, look for themes. Their reasons initially might look obvious but lack the deeper motivations that capture the degree of passion you see. If the emotional energy displayed and the reasons do not seem to match, continue digging. If they are using talking points or generalities, keep digging. Spend more time listening than speaking and go slow! As Wil Rogers’ stated, “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
- Ask questions that encourage reflection, using the Socratic Method. Now that the position is clear, it’s time to test the quality of their methods for arriving at certainty on the issue. Many times, the person begins to move away from the black/white position and see the complexities that may not have been clear or well-articulated. The goal is to help the other person judge the quality of their reasoning process and encourage increasing levels of discernment. It is common for counterarguments to surface. When they find these perspectives through their own inquiries rather than having them stated by someone else, it avoids power-struggles. There is a great example of this in the first third of the show: Podcast You Are Not So Smart Episode 236
- Clarify, repeat, and connect to their values and needs. Much like step four, this is a way to let both of you know that your understanding matches what they were trying to say. Feel free, when appropriate, to share your experiences so they are not the only vulnerable person in the room. If they are not open to it, move to the final step.
- Re-evaluate where the person lies on the scale of 0-10 you asked in step four. That identifies any shift, even if there is not full agreement.
- Close with appreciation for their openness. Thank them for their time and try to part company in a way that is kind and warm.
No matter what the outcome, you have just engaged in the much-needed activity of meaningful conversation. You will not always get the change you hope for, but there is still value in this three-part process. Your efforts exercise critical thinking muscles, ensuring that positions are based on facts, expertise, values, and a clear understanding of the potential impacts (which our good intentions may not readily reveal). It creates room for external input, providing a safety against certainty and my-side biases. Most importantly, it allows room for disagreement without resorting to the all-too-easy seduction of labels that serve to break down relationships rather than build bridges. It is a foundational activity that helps a democracy thrive. Here’s to many rich conversations that inform, persuade, and inspire!
Changing Minds: Part 2 Build Rapport
It’s time to get back to strategies for engaging in tough conversations. Using the basic principles of deep canvasing, the previous article focused on step 1, becoming curious about ourselves and our motivations to engage. This time, the focus is on the approach, working towards a respectful exchange. The tone for the conversation will be set in just three seconds. Three seconds! Therefore, it’s imperative to be careful because we will either open up dialogue or shut the conversation down.
- This is about exploring ideas and experiences. Keep the topic away from someone’s character so there is no need for defensiveness.
- Remove the goal to win because it means someone has to lose. In the podcast the Hidden Brain, they highlighted research that showed it is less painful to be in denial than think you are right and be proven wrong. Recognize that examining beliefs is uncomfortable and must be addressed with care.
- Move away from seeing the other as an adversary. A huge hint that you need to check yourself is when you utter the words, “Yeah, but….” We need to be open to the fact that they might have something to teach us. The following quote, although binary, highlights the importance of being clear on your position without the danger of certainty: “Talk like your right; listen like you’re wrong.”
- Consider the qualities that are inviting: tone, word choice, body language, and facial expressions. Starting off with a smile and a request to talk(rather than an expectation or command) goes a long way.
- Ask clarifying versus leading questions. The former is a request for additional information to further understanding. The latter has an underlying agenda that pushes someone into a specific answer. Leading questions commonly have conjecture and assumptions embedded within them and rightly evoke suspicion. Choosing the former may sound straightforward and easy to implement. In reality, most of us sneak in our viewpoints without even knowing it.
- It is tempting to see the other person as “less than”. Less educated. Less compassionate. Less informed, etc. This lens is the very foundation behind a sense of superiority. Deliberately look for the person’s humanity and the context that informs their views.
I’m going to share a story I read that shows exactly what not to do. Maybe it is an “if you can’t be a good example, then be a warning to others.” Frankly, I just love the message and it fits perfectly with what we are talking about.
The Dinner Conversation
We were all sitting around the dinner table discussing life and the man across from me decided to show his brains. He says the problem with teachers is “What’s a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?” He reminds the other dinner guests that it’s true what they say about teachers: Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach. “I mean, you’re a teacher, Taylor,” he says. “Be honest. What do you make?” And I wish he hadn’t done that (asked me to be honest) because, you see, I have a policy about honesty: if you ask for it, I have to let you have it.
You want to know what I make? I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I can make a C+ feel like a congressional Medal of Honor, and an A- feel like a slap in the face. How dare you waste my time with anything less than your very best!
I make parents tremble in fear when I call home: I hope I haven’t called at a bad time, I just wanted to talk to you about something Billy said today. Billy said, “Leave the kid alone. I still cry sometimes, don’t you?” And it was the noblest act of courage I have ever seen.
I make parents see their children for who they are and what they can be. You want to know what I make? I make kids wonder; I make them question. I make them criticize. I make them apologize and mean it. I make them write. I make them read, read, read. I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful over and over and over again until they will never misspell either one of those words again. I make them show all their work in math. And hide it on their final drafts in English. I make them understand that if you have brains then you follow your heart and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you pay them NO attention.
Let me break it down for you, so you know what I say is true: I make a difference in the lives of hundreds of children. Now what about you? What do you make?