I was seven years old, sitting on top of the monkey bars and starring down at my shoes. My pony tail was in knots after spending recesses pretending the gravel was hot lava and jumping around on the jungle gym until our flying horses cold swoop down and take us to safety. But all that was erased once I heard my best friend, Jamie, was moving. As she chatted away about all the exciting adventures that were sure to come, I could hardly hear her. I was heartbroken. It was bad enough that I would no longer have someone to sit with at lunch or have sleep overs with cardboard forts and pancakes, nor would there would be anyone to make friendship pins with that we could swap between classes. What was becoming a deeper pain was the pattern. This was the fourth year in a row my best friend moved away. I never envied those who had to move and start all over. However, no one realized that by living in the same house growing up I was always the one left behind.
No one was at fault nor was this done to hurt me but it was still taking a toll. Over time, an anxiety began to take hold that made it harder and harder to open up to my peers. I learned through experience that it was just a matter of time before someone would leave me. While I still tried to put myself out there, I was always braced for that dreaded conversation that would mean it was over. What I now know is that these accumulative experiences were not just painful, they were traumatic.
Trauma is a term that identifies the very real impacts that occur when someone is exposed to something disturbing and painful. Most people are familiar with “Big T” traumas because they are extreme. Examples include car accidents, abuse, violence, serious injury or the threat of death. The fact that someone would struggle after such an event is often easy for people to understand. But there are other, more subtle traumas. They are often labeled as temporary bumps in the road or simply unrecognized. Referred to as “small t” traumas, it can be a one-time event or something so frequent it feels commonplace. Like the “big T” traumas, these experiences assault your sense of self, change how safe the world feels, and compromise your ability to connect with others.
Here are some examples:
- A parent who makes promises but repeatedly fails to follow through
- A teacher who points out to the entire class how the student made a mistake and should have known better
- Bullying, an umbrella euphemism for harassment, assault, and slander
- Frequent shaming (you’re stupid, a mistake, worthless….)
- Being ostracized
- Repeated rejections (like those that occur during job hunting)
- Poverty
- Cancer
- Losing one’s support system
- Having to hide who you are
- Disclosing something vulnerable only to have it ignored, minimized, or used as ammunition at a later time
Not everyone experiences these as traumatic but plenty of people do. It is not because there is a lack of some superpower nor a sign of weakness. Instead, there are a myriad of factors that determine the type and intensity of the impact. For example, the developmental age at the time, the amount of coping strategies available, the level of validation and support, the amount of previous trauma, and the level of vulnerability, all make a difference in how the trauma is taken in. Other factors include whether or not the harm was done on purpose or who the players were. Whatever the impact, it is never someone’s fault they are afflicted with pain; it is the burden they bear.
Just like “big T” traumas, “small t” traumas’ effects can ooze into all areas of life. The most common impact is the development of deeply embedded forms of protection. Perhaps these sound familiar: minimizing emotions or blending into the wallpaper so it is harder to be singled out and humiliated. Perhaps someone becomes very private or isolated to limit vulnerability. Others develop a very distinct public persona so no one knows just how wounded and tender they feel. These understandable measures can change the ability to take risks, to understand feelings and how to respond in healthy ways, and the willingness to be open to a partner or friend.
Small “t” traumas may not be easy to recognize but that does not mean it is hopeless. Should this description help you understand something you are experiencing, help is available. There are ways to address these experiences and their detriments. Something painful happened to you, but it does not have to define who you are or determine the quality of your life.
https://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/assessment/trauma-symptom-checklist.asp
https://www.aap.org/en-us/Documents/ttb_aces_consequences.pdf