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Changing Minds Part 3: Time to Engage

by | May 11, 2023

It’s time to get back to discussing strategies to use when we disagree with others and when the outcome of a discussion has huge implications. In part 1, we explored our position and why a topic matters to us. In part 2, core principles were introduced to promote openness and respect in the interaction. This last section is about the all-important conversation we’ve been working towards. The following are the specific steps to take, putting together all of the prep work.

  • Ask them to identify their beliefs. It is important to be clear about the topic since the rest of the conversation requires mutual understanding of what is being discussed.
  • Repeat their viewpoint and confirm understanding. One of the greatest diffusors in uncomfortable conversations is ensuring the other person feels heard.  Provide frequent summaries and ask if you have it right. Do not move onto the next step until not only you know, but they know you know what they are trying to say. (Good luck making sense of that sentence!)
  • Identify their definitions and use their terminology.  It is a common assumption that because we speak the same language and use the same words, we are on the same page. You’d be surprised how often this is far from accurate. Double check!
  • On a scale of 0-10, ask how confident they feel about their position . This has two primary benefits. First, it lets you know where you are starting from. Even if there is not total alignment by the end, any shift in thinking says this interaction has made a difference. Second, it helps them transition into the next stage, when there is a shift into the way they are thinking rather than what they are thinking.  Called “metacognition, it is when we get out of the weeds of entrenched positions and look at things from an observer standpoint.
  • Ask the other person to articulate their position. Ask the other person to name what they think, feel, and believe. Discover, often together, their true motivations and goals. Identify what makes them feel confident in their position. Explore vulnerable personal experiences that can turn a talking point into something specific and meaningful. If they offer several reasons, look for themes. Their reasons initially might look obvious but lack the deeper motivations that capture the degree of passion you see. If the emotional energy displayed and the reasons do not seem to match, continue digging. If they are using talking points or generalities, keep digging. Spend more time listening than speaking and go slow! As Wil Rogers’ stated, “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” 
  • Ask questions that encourage reflection, using the Socratic Method. Now that the position is clear, it’s time to test the quality of their methods for arriving at certainty on the issue. Many times, the person begins to move away from the black/white position and see the complexities that may not have been clear or well-articulated.  The goal is to help the other person judge the quality of their reasoning process and encourage increasing levels of discernment.  It is common for counterarguments to surface. When they find these perspectives through their own inquiries rather than having them stated by someone else, it avoids power-struggles. There is a great example of this in the first third of the show: Podcast You Are Not So Smart Episode 236
  • Clarify, repeat, and connect to their values and needs. Much like step four, this is a way to let both of you know that your understanding matches what they were trying to say. Feel free, when appropriate, to share your experiences so they are not the only vulnerable person in the room. If they are not open to it, move to the final step.
  • Re-evaluate where the person lies on the scale of 0-10 you asked in step four.  That identifies any shift, even if there is not full agreement.
  • Close with appreciation for their openness. Thank them for their time and try to part company in a way that is kind and warm. 

No matter what the outcome, you have just engaged in the much-needed activity of meaningful conversation. You will not always get the change you hope for, but there is still value in this three-part process. Your efforts exercise critical thinking muscles, ensuring that positions are based on facts, expertise, values, and a clear understanding of the potential impacts (which our good intentions may not readily reveal). It creates room for external input, providing a safety against certainty and my-side biases.  Most importantly, it allows room for disagreement without resorting to the all-too-easy seduction of labels that serve to break down relationships rather than build bridges.  It is a foundational activity that helps a democracy thrive.  Here’s to many rich conversations that inform, persuade, and inspire!

Changing Minds: Part 2 Build Rapport

by | Apr 20, 2023

It’s time to get back to strategies for engaging in tough conversations. Using the basic principles of deep canvasing, the previous article focused on step 1, becoming curious about ourselves and our motivations to engage.   This time, the focus is on the approach, working towards a respectful exchange. The tone for the conversation will be set in just three seconds.  Three seconds!  Therefore, it’s imperative to be careful because we will either open up dialogue or shut the conversation down.

  • This is about exploring ideas and experiences. Keep the topic away from someone’s character so there is no need for defensiveness.
  • Remove the goal to win because it means someone has to lose. In the podcast the Hidden Brain, they highlighted research that showed it is less painful to be in denial than think you are right and be proven wrong. Recognize that examining beliefs is uncomfortable and must be addressed with care. 
  • Move away from seeing the other as an adversary. A huge hint that you need to check yourself is when you utter the words, “Yeah, but….” We need to be open to the fact that they might have something to teach us. The following quote, although binary, highlights the importance of being clear on your position without the danger of certainty: “Talk like your right; listen like you’re wrong.”
  • Consider the qualities that are inviting: tone, word choice, body language, and facial expressions. Starting off with a smile and a request to talk(rather than an expectation or command) goes a long way.
  • Ask clarifying versus leading questions. The former is a request for additional information to further understanding. The latter has an underlying agenda that pushes someone into a specific answer. Leading questions commonly have conjecture and assumptions embedded within them and rightly evoke suspicion. Choosing the former may sound straightforward and easy to implement. In reality, most of us sneak in our viewpoints without even knowing it.
  • It is tempting to see the other person as “less than”. Less educated. Less compassionate. Less informed, etc. This lens is the very foundation behind a sense of superiority. Deliberately look for the person’s humanity and the context that informs their views.

I’m going to share a story I read that shows exactly what not to do. Maybe it is an “if you can’t be a good example, then be a warning to others.” Frankly, I just love the message and it fits perfectly with what we are talking about.

The Dinner Conversation

We were all sitting around the dinner table discussing life and the man across from me decided to show his brains. He says the problem with teachers is “What’s a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?” He reminds the other dinner guests that it’s true what they say about teachers: Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach. “I mean, you’re a teacher, Taylor,” he says. “Be honest. What do you make?” And I wish he hadn’t done that (asked me to be honest) because, you see, I have a policy about honesty: if you ask for it, I have to let you have it.

You want to know what I make? I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I can make a C+ feel like a congressional Medal of Honor, and an A- feel like a slap in the face. How dare you waste my time with anything less than your very best!

I make parents tremble in fear when I call home: I hope I haven’t called at a bad time, I just wanted to talk to you about something Billy said today. Billy said, “Leave the kid alone. I still cry sometimes, don’t you?” And it was the noblest act of courage I have ever seen.

I make parents see their children for who they are and what they can be. You want to know what I make? I make kids wonder; I make them question. I make them criticize. I make them apologize and mean it. I make them write. I make them read, read, read. I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful over and over and over again until they will never misspell either one of those words again. I make them show all their work in math. And hide it on their final drafts in English. I make them understand that if you have brains then you follow your heart and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you pay them NO attention.

Let me break it down for you, so you know what I say is true: I make a difference in the lives of hundreds of children. Now what about you? What do you make?

Psychedelics and Mental Health

by | Mar 3, 2023

I was recently asked about a piece on psychedelics from the television show, “Last Week Tonight.” The host, John Oliver, did a great job talking about the complicated history around these chemicals in a therapeutic setting. For example, there are places where psychedelics have been considered an integral part of a community (ex: spiritual practices), political policies that have shaped their use, fabricated research used to promote a given stance, and active campaigns to scare people away. So, what do we make of all this?

While I am no expert in this area, I have an opinion (probably a surprise to no one). In the field of psychiatry and psychology, there is definitely growing openness to this form of treatment. Efforts are underway to determine efficacy, particularly in the ability to create relief for those suffering from PTSD. The Daily just aired a podcast that featured a veteran who was haunted by the symptoms of PTSD until she received psychedelic treatment. After her experience, she has become a passionate advocate, hoping more people will find relief.

I look forward to hearing more about the psychological benefits and the sense of calm that some have reported. It will be fascinating to learn about the biological impacts of treatment, established through measurements like brain scans and neurological testing. If research points to noticeable changes in turning off the fight-or-flight response and addressing the structural changes trauma creates, it will show psychedelics to be a potent option for enduring change. Meanwhile, I remain cautious. Here are a few reasons:

  • There are training programs that certify therapists in this area. Therapists are not medical providers. Comprehensive coursework around the complexities of biochemistry is not part of a counseling program.  We have no ability to assess contra-indicators such as the way psychedelics mix with other medications/drugs or how physical health issues like brain injuries/heart conditions/hypertension could be impacted.  I also wonder how therapists are instructed to handle a bad experience. There are no guarantees this treatment will create the healing we hope for. It is important to make damn sure we know the right conditions to promote a positive experience and how to handle a situation should the trip go to unintended places.
  • It is important to allow a body of research to emerge that demonstrates statistically significant trends. In undergrad, there was literally a requirement to be a subject of some professor’s research project. I can only imagine what conclusions were drawn based on a bunch of privileged, white, 19-year-olds. Yikes! Good research should include exploring a variety of groupings such as sex, race, age, physical size, diagnoses, etc. That will take some time and careful parameters.
  • The treatment has not been approved on a state or national level so there is no mandated, formal protocol. A client experiences a high degree of vulnerability and suggestibility during a trip. John Oliver’s piece mentions a two-person support team, but this is not a standard by any means. I personally know two clinicians who provide this treatment in a one-on-one setting. While I know there are upstanding ethical providers, it is incredibly risky to rely on trust alone.

Although I am excited about the potential benefits, there is a lot of work ahead before this would be a treatment I would recommend. Even though people have access to psychedelics for recreational use and even though it has been used for mystical/transcendental experiences, turning this into a recognized treatment for mental health issues is not a step that should be lightly taken. Scientific research coupled with safe and ethical practices must be our priority when helping people overcome incredible challenges and pain. I stand with the APA on this one:

Sources

Happy 20th Birthday, Side-By-Side Counseling!!!!

by | Jan 29, 2023

I was in squishy pants, reading something I know was highly intellectual when it suddenly dawned on me- this month is the twentieth anniversary of Side-by-Side Counseling. Twenty Years!!!! While I am in comfortable denial that I’m two decades older than when I started, I can say it has been a compelling ride full of rich stories, hard work, and fabulous people who have and continue to provoke and inspire. After this much time, I thought it might be fun to sit back and contemplate what has evolved over the years.  

Meet Some of the Staff

You know you’ve worked with me if…

  • You use food adjectives to describe your experience. For example, something enjoyable is “yummy” while something upsetting is “spicy”.
  • To get rid of uncomfortable energy, you have a specific way of moving your body that is a cross between an excited octopus and a seizure.
  • Complex internal experiences have been clarified using stuffed animals. My personal favorite animal friend is the new alley cat, “Nibs” but the chicken is a close second. Please note, I do not do puppet shows… yet.
  • You know therapy is made better with a nice cup of tea.
  • There is no such thing as a typical therapy session. Perhaps you’ve played follow-the-leader across the room. Perhaps you have hit pillows with a martial arts bat coupled with some great four-letter words. Maybe you’ve used a tennis ball to help manage a panic attack. Clients know- healing can come in many forms.

My five favorite life lessons are…

  • “I don’t know how to _________ … yet.” “This is hard/painful/confusing/unfamiliar… for now.” These statements highlight that every moment is a chance to create something new. Over time, our efforts can lead to significant change. Relationships can evolve, skills can be learned, and we can let go of worn-out narratives in exchange for a new story.
  • It is always my goal to be honest with people, even when it is hard to hear. However, it must be done with great care. As the Dalai Lama stated, “Truth without kindness is cruel.”
  • People make sense when we take the time to figure out the context and go deeper than what is on the surface. I’ve learned to trust that someone’s choice/beliefs/feelings/sensations are there for a reason.
  • Be curious. It is far richer than being certain. I chose my theoretical orientation partly because of the emphasis on experimentation. In this mindset, we try things out to see what works and what doesn’t. There is no failure, only information to guide us along our path.  
  • “It is what it is.” Living in denial or a fantasy means figuring out how to cope without full awareness/understanding of what we are dealing with. When moments of acceptance come, there is often relief because the effort required to pretend is finally over.
  • Celebrate positives whenever we can.  Ex: I am officially the employee of the month. (It helps when you work for yourself)

I am delighted to say that after twenty years of private practice, I would not trade this adventure for anything. Thank you to my parents, teachers, colleagues, mentors, clients, students, friends, hubby, daughter, and cat- all who have helped make this anniversary possible!    

Changing Minds: Part 1

by | Nov 6, 2022

I’m outside working in my yard and a neighbor, not known for being friendly, walked up and asked about a yard sign I had out. I was excited to have a chance to engage in a thoughtful discussion but quickly realized this interaction was going to be anything but that. When I gave my answer about the sign, the immediate response was, “But God said….” He had not heard a word I said. I tried to find common ground but no luck. My neighbor had no interest. Instead, he went into a series of Bible quotes and anecdotal experiences that were not even relevant to the topic. Ahhhh- this was about recruitment, not understanding. This was about him proselytizing to me. To no surprise, the conversation fell flat. However, not all was lost. I’m pleased to say that my neighbor now waves when our paths cross.

This underscored a desperate need to find ways to engage in conversations where we can chew on topics together, and “disagreeing without being disagreeable,” (an anonymous quote I found on the internet).  Believe me, I am as tempted to avoid these interactions as the next person- they can be uncomfortable, there is potential for escalation, and require a lot of energy. For some reason, my family and friends keep telling me I can’t lock myself indoors, stay in pjs, and binge Netflix specials. They do have a point (don’t tell them that). Avoidance causes critical thinking skills to atrophy. It prevents us from only seeking what is comfortable and we miss out on exploring ideas that challenge us and help us grow. Most importantly, avoiding these conversations has bigger implications. We are seeing the ripple effect certain beliefs and their corresponding voting behaviors have on our daily lives. If we look at Supreme Court decisions such as the reversal of Roe v Wade, upcoming decisions about affirmative action and transgender rights, we cannot afford to pretend all is well. It’s time to engage.

Searching for strategies for civil engagement, I’ve found a ten-step process that has been shown to be a highly effective way to create helpful dialogue and the potential for change. Developed through exhaustive research by a LGBTQ+ organization, “Deep Canvasing” gives us guidance on how to have hard conversations emphasizing respect. I’ve tweaked things slightly, but the essence of the approach remains intact. Hopefully this outline will not only help us talk about uncomfortable topics during election season but can also help us during holiday dinners, offering an alternative to throwing mashed potatoes at our family members. 

Deep Canvasing

First: Look Within

Before engaging with others, explore what makes this topic worth discussing. This gives us a chance to have a fuller understanding of ourselves and our position. It promotes awareness about how we think, moving away from superficial talking points and into deeper reflection. In the process, needs and values come to the surface as do life experiences that inform our views. Critically thinking through problems such as confirmation bias or “my-side” bias may also be exposed. This ensures we start from a place of strength and clarity. Consider these questions:

  • What do I believe?
  • What personal experiences inform my perspective?
  • How does this belief align with how I see myself?
  • What sources am I using to support my views?
  • Why do I trust each of the sources I just listed?
  • What parts are facts versus feelings and opinions?
  • What needs are being expressed in my views?
  • What are the qualities I attribute to those who share my views?
  • What are the qualities I attribute to those who disagree with me?
  • To what degree can I offer a coherent argument that represents the opposite of my perspective?
  • Why is discussing this important to me?

This process is both humbling and enlightening. For example, what if I have not thought things through as much as I had hoped? What if I only had a piece of information taken out of context? Now that I know the bigger picture, it completely changes the information’s meaning. This important exercise will clear away incomplete ideas, faulty reasoning, and unhelpful strategies. Instead, you will be grounded in personal understanding and have practiced the very process we will go through when it’s time to engage with another person.

Upcoming Presentation: Changing Minds: The Art of Conversation and Persuasion

by | Oct 25, 2022

We’ve got Election season in full swing and upcoming holiday gatherings with friends and family. It is inevitable that hard conversations are going to occur where we disagree and may even be tempted to bite one another. For three Sundays, I will guide participants in exploring how to engage while remaining civil and successfully sharing opinions and perspectives. All are welcome!

Location: Arvada United Methodist Church- 6750 Carr St. Arvada, CO 80004

https://www.arvadaumc.org/

Dates: October 30th, November 6th and November 13th

9-10 a.m. in the Chapel

The Mother of the Fallen Arvada Police Officer’s Call to Action

by | Oct 3, 2022

On 9/11/22, police officer Dillon Vakoff was killed in the line of duty. I had a chance to speak to his mother, Lisa Vakoff, who is responding to this tragedy with a call to action. She has been through many hardships, some which you or someone you know may relate to: being a single parent, dealing with an affair, a family dealing with addiction, a family dealing with the impacts of sexual assault, and homicide, to name a few. With permission, I am sharing a written statement she gave to me, inviting all of us to look around and see how we can push for change.

———–

From Lisa Vakoff

My great, great  grandfather, who was from Bulgaria, fought in the Balkan war and proudly on horseback, I might add.  My great grandfather immigrated to the United States and became a legal citizen.  My grandfather was in the US Army during WWII and if memory serves me at Normandy.  My great Uncle was in the US Navy during WWII at Pearl Harbor. 

On my mother’s side of the family:

My uncle was in the US Army after the Korean conflict

My father served in the Montana National Guard during Vietnam

My Brother was in the US Navy during the Iran contra affair serving on the USS Nimitz

My ex-husband was in the US Navy during the first Gulf war while I was pregnant with my first son.  He also deployed to Somalia as a Seabee during that conflict.  His current wife also served in his same unit with the USS navy.

My oldest son was an MP in the US army during the Afghanistan war ( the 2nd Gulf war)

My youngest son was in the US Air Force and deployed to Qatar during the Afghanistan war.  His accomplishments and contributions to our country were publicly acknowledged at his memorial service by Major Julian Gluck.  Which, I would like to thank the US Air force for personally addressing me to know and understand his service to the country. 

I BELIEVE in our military’s service members mission, duty  and honor to serve the people of the United States.  I BELIEVE in their mission and sworn oath to protect and defend our country’s great and amazing CONSTITUION of our 50 United States.  I BELIEVE in our flag (Olde Glory) that represents their duty and sacrifice, and all who proceeded and yet to come, to the people of this great nation and around the world.

That CONSTITUTION is exactly why we are a free and sovereign nation.  It is the document that separates us from the rest of the world and affords the American people rights.  You know the rights that all of us scream, yell and holler all around the country fighting for our individual causes that we are willing to fight for, even if it is with one another; our friends, family members and neighbors right now.  I guess shame on all of us.  Maybe that’s how the civil war started.  My hope and wish are for all of us American citizens to NEVER forget that all of these service members who volunteered their service and gave the ultimate sacrifice.  For those of you who do not comprehend or understand…. They DIED for you!!!! To our great Military “Thank You”  There are many that still understand,  remember and honor your service!!!

So now I have some questions.  Due to the nature of my son’s loss, how many of you have been divorced? I AM- How many of you were hurt and angry?  I WAS-  Did your spouse cheat on you?  MINE DID-  How many of you were now single parents?  I WAS-  How many of you used your children as a pawn for vengeance?  I DID NOT!  Did you know that the United States ranks #1 worldwide for single parent families?  According to PEW Research center the US is the leader worldwide for broken homes!!  I guess we should ask ourselves why?  Shame on us as American Citizens that we do not value and honor the family unit.

Did all of these single parents move on and start dating someone new?  I DID  How many of us have been in domestic violent relationships?  I WAS- Was drugs and alcohol involved?  MINE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC  I now became a single mother with 2 children with 2 different fathers.  I GOT OUT QUICKLY-  How many of you didn’t?  I urge you to visit domesticviolencestatistics.org.  I urge you to educate yourself. 

Did you know that the state of Colorado along with Washington DC rank last in the nation for mental health?  According to Mental Health America’s Annual Review Colorado is dead last for mental health care!!  So, lets ask why?  The people of Colorado on our last ballot voting measure voted  NO to have oversight for settlement money coming into Colorado.  Why would Colorado NOT want to know about the Oxycontin-Big Pharama-Purdue settlement?  What about Big tobacco?  Colorado will now receive n millions of dollars from these settlement with no oversight.  Maybe ask yourself, are we the people of Colorado complicit in the fact that we are last in the nation for mental health?  When you want to complain about homelessness, drug addiction and crime in our streets and communities, maybe we should ask ourselves why did we the people of Colorado not pay attention?  Why didn’t we care?  Oh, that’s right I forgot Officer Dillon Vakoff will take care of that.  Right?

How many of you have been a victim of a sex crime?  IT HAPPENED IN MY FAMILY- Please refer to nsvrc.org, or maybe vivtimsofcrime.org to learn more.  All the information is out there all you have to do is open your eyes.  Do some research.  Care!!!  That’s all I ask.  Did you know that my family violator was an ILLEAGAL citizen?  Our violator now bares my families last name legally.  How is that even possible.  Where is the justice?  Trust me when I say “I called everyone from law enforcement to legislators even across state lines only for my story to fall on deaf ears!!!  For those of you silently suffering, I hear you!!  Seek help

So, at this point of my life all I can do is let go, move on and become a lion.  I tried my best to be a productive member of society and raise my boys to have a good soul.  This is when my eyes started to open.  This is when I started to research and learn to discern information instead of just blindly listening and following all the opinions and trash talk that surrounds us.  I started paying attention to my government and what they were doing.  At this point I still didn’t quite understand the full capacity of what was happening.  How many of you know?  How many of you even care.  I think that makes us complicit in bad government policy when we don’t care or know. 

How many of you have experienced drug addiction?  I HAVE-  the rollercoaster ride that is addiction is the most horrific thing anyone, attached to it, can go through in this life.  For the families and friends of an addict I understand.  For the drug addict I understand.  My son became addicted to pain killers recovering and injury in the military.  It was scary to send my son into a war zone, after 9/11 I put on my cheerleading outfit and flew my flag.  My duty was to support my son’s efforts to protect the constitution and our freedoms.  He was Dillon’s hero and our family’s hero.  Protocols, I’m hoping were changed after a meeting with CID.  How many other veterans suffered the same fate?  I’m sure the numbers are in the thousands.  Drug addiction is the leading cause of death ages 18-45 in the United States according to CDC.gov.  FYI I have tried to fight back, however the laws in Colorado are designed to protect the pharmaceutical companies, the rehabilitation centers and their insurers.  I know from personal action.  There is no justice and there is no remedy for the average person.  Beware Colorado.  Twenty-two other states practice in law comparative negligence.  For those of you trying to recover when you are offered the miracle drug vivitrol, make sure the people administering this drug have protocol and procedures in place.  I DID NOT- I am not a doctor or a nurse but was expected to be in my situation.  According to a 9news source here in Colorado thousands, if not higher, have been injured or resulted in death from administering vivitrol because protocol of the manufacturer was not followed.

How many of you feel powerless?  Want to fix what is broken in our systems.  My son Officer Dillon Vakoff felt that way.  He was set in motion to fix this broken world.  He did everything in his power to be a positive light in everything he did and everyone who crossed his path.  I am asking you to please hear me…..

My son gave to his country, he gave to his state, and he gave to his community everything he could to make a difference.  He gave to the human condition….his LIFE!!!

I beg of you fellow Americans…. Please don’t fight with each other.  Fight for the cause of good.  Fight for what is broken.  Do something meaningful and with purpose in whatever capacity you have to give.  Again, ask yourself…how am I complicit, what can I do to help the human condition for the GOOD and ask what would Dillon do?

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