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Time Management: Investing In Each Moment
Managing time effectively is truly a modern day challenge. Whenever we have multiple schedules, activities, and commitments, it can feel like a small miracle to make it all work. I hear how many people are just living day to day, trying to figure out how to squeak by until tomorrow. Rather than simply coping, my hope is that we can begin to take a deliberate look at the way we manage our lives so we can begin to operate with choice and purpose rather than hanging on by our finger nails as the world rushes past.
The key is in not spending time, but in investing it.
– Stephen R. Covey
Red Flags
If you are less than enthused to get out of bed even, then we have our first indication that change is needed. There are other warning signs that let you know that your inbox comes at a cost. Over time, these symptoms become more disruptive because if you aren’t making the necessary changes, more drastic motivators are required. Do you struggle with any of these?
• Difficulty falling or staying asleep
• Forgetfulness
• Frequently misplacing things
• Wanting to be left alone
• Having a hard time enjoying activities
• Easily frustrated or irritated. The urge to growl is increasing.
• Tired and worn out
• Procrastinating and unmotivated
• Frequently late
• Clumsy
• People telling you “You don’t look so good,” “I’m really worried about you,” or “Please stop biting me.”
• Compulsive eating or other ways to check out
• Frequent illnesses, break outs
• Headaches
An Honest Look
Rather than guessing what your average week looks like, take an objective look at how you are spending your time. Being more aware of how energy is invested can assist you in clarifying where changes might be possible. To do this, calculate how much time do you spend in each area: working, sleeping, running errands, completing chores, in the car, attending events for children, fulfilling outside commitments, spending unstructured time as a family, relaxing, spending alone time with your partner, spiritual activities, and participating in activities you enjoy.
Reminder of time we have to work with:
Hours in a week: 168
Minus 8 hrs for sleep per day: -56
Minus 40 hrs if you work full time -40
Total time for everything else: 72 hours!
When you look this over, what strikes you?
Develop An Action Plan
Now that you have an accurate account of how your time is being used, determine what changes to make with the following suggestions in mind:
- Develop a schedule that reflects priorities based on your values. What, deep down, is really important to you? In this case, there is no right or wrong. It is a personal reflection about what gives your life meaning. When you have a clear understanding of what these values are, it can serve as a compass that directs your decisions. For example, if having close connections with family is important, ensure that enough time is blocked off in a given week so that there is enough quantity time to ensure quality time can happen. When other opportunities surface, you look at the time remaining and consider other important values you’d like to include in your schedule.
2. Consider creative ways to utilize resources
Time: if you have a commute, how about enjoying a book you like on tape? If you have to wait while your child does gymnastics, how about taking that time to write up a grocery list or return phone calls so when s/he is done, you have time to be together?
Trading: babysitting, carpooling, play dates. If your kids are busy working on their relationships, perhaps you can have some time for you as well.
Shared responsibility: is there one individual who has a disproportionate amount of responsibility? Consider a more equal distribution. Good leaders are not those who do it all but rather know how to utilize the people around them and delegate as necessary.
B. Be deliberate. Procrastination is the sly thief that takes opportunities from you. Make a list of those things you want to get done for the day, ranking them by order of importance. When you mark an item off, take a moment to enjoy your success.
3. Gas Tank Philosophy: It is a common phenomenon in times of stress or struggle to turn our priorities upside down and alienate ourselves from the very things that can sustain us. We then operate out of deficiency, out of emptiness, rather than from a place of fullness and plenty. Some have told me that they feel guilty for taking time for themselves when there are others who need them. The reality is that we are very similar to cars in this regard. If we don’t take time to fill up the gas tank, a car won’t go anywhere. If we don’t take time to take care of ourselves, the mind and body become compromised as well.
4. Challenge the cultural belief that more is better. More is not always better- usually it is just more. More stress, more running around, more responsibility.
If I were to boil down the greatest assets for good time management that you have at your fingertips, it is balance and planning. Those small, seemingly innocent requests can quickly turn into a life that feels out of control. Remain conscious of the larger picture. Keeping your values and options in front of you, reminds you that you always retain power over your life.
For more ideas on time management strategies, come to the free seminar on
October 19th, 2010. Call for more details. 303.915-5597
Why Can’t Adults Play Nicely?
Everyone is not always on best behavior. We can be selfish, defensive, unfair, hurtful, and at times even cruel. For some this is relatively rare and with some heart-felt apologies and efforts to change, these moments become reminders that we are all human. For others, however, it is more than an error in judgment. It is a regular pastime.
The reality is that little bullies, when not stopped, just get bigger. They may be a sibling, partner, peer, neighbor, boss, or even a friend. And just like our smaller counterparts, adult targets suffer very real consequences. For example, research by Hershcovis and Barling found workplace bullying creates health impacting stress and anxiety, while also compromising motivation and performance. Research from W. Virginia University studied bullying in adult siblings. Focusing on just verbal aggression, they determined seven different forms, all successful at causing intentional hurt. In my own practice, clients show symptoms of trauma, validating that bullying really is abuse.
Types
Verbal– name calling, taunting, laughing at someone’s mistakes, making up stories that gets a person in trouble, hurtful text messages, hate speech, insulting nicknames, mocking or imitating, sexual slurs, refusing to listen to your input, and threats
Physical– to list a few: intimidation, keying a car, pushing, and fighting
Social/relational– this occurs when someone is humiliated or demeaned in front of others. Not only is this hurtful and upsetting, it is also intended to create public shame. When no one sticks up for the bullied person, the target feels completely alone. There are three types:
1. Nonverbal: rolling eyes, making faces, staring, laughing
2. Psychological: isolate, shun, ignore, exclude, silent treatment
3. Relational: intentionally damaging someone’s social status.
Examples: mean electronic posts on facebook/twitter/etc., a boss yelling at a subordinate in front of others, inviting everyone out for a drink except one person, revealing secrets, taking credit for someone else’s work, and gossip.
In time, you are miserable. These behaviors have the power to make you feel crazy, suck the joy out of your job, compromise your self-esteem, erode health, and turn you into a reactive mess.
How to Survive Cruel People
1. Recognize that you are dealing with a bully. It is imperative that you listen to warning signals. If you are talking with a friend who is bad mouthing someone else, it is only a matter of time when stories will be told about you.
2. Minimize your vulnerability through strong, clear boundaries. Limits protect us. They set the rules of engagement, with the intent of maintaining respectful interactions for all parties. Sometimes boundaries are in the form of behaviors such as ceasing the conversation when it becomes abusive. Other times it is more subtle, such as refraining from disclosing information you want to ensure is private.
3. Resist the desire to leave it unaddressed. Take responsibility for creating change. Procrastination is the cunning thief that steals opportunity from you. The main power you have is to make the most of the moment. In addition, with these individuals, the situation will not improve. Most likely, it will worsen if allowed to persist.
4. Determine the appropriate course of action. Some of these individuals may not be aware of how their behavior affects you. Other people are doing this intentionally. Determine escalating levels of intervention. The continuum goes from a low intensity option like asking the other person to stop. (This is appropriate for those unaware of what they are doing). A high intensity intervention would be to talk with human resources, or the police. There are some instances when your efforts have no impact on their behavior. In these cases, you have to determine how much you are willing to tolerate. To preserve health, you may need to terminate the relationship.
5. Document. There are times when administration or legal avenues must be pursued. In these instances, written notes that include dates, times, and details of what transpired can be used as evidence to support your assertions.
There is more! There are also ways that you can behave in the moment that can create powerful resiliency against the harmful impacts of disrespect and meanness. There are also techniques that can be used that will make you least likely to be targeted in the future. You are invited to a free one-hour seminar on September 21st, 2010 in the conference room from 6-7 p.m.where you will learn these very tools. Feel supported, educated, and ready to stand up for yourself! Call to reserve a spot!
Remember Your Audience
Assertively asking for what you need is the number one way you can become empowered and connected in a relationship. There is no more guessing and no more complaining. Instead, the focus is on getting needs met with honesty and respect.
But there is more to assertiveness than just having a voice. That voice must be delivered at a time and in a way it is palatable for the other person. If you come in with guns pulled and emotions high, you will be shut out in seconds. Remember, this is someone with emotions, self-esteem, and needs as well. If you take time to consider what will help them be receptive, you have a higher likelihood of being heard.
Timing
We are not always ready to “talk”. Numerous factors can impact the moment, making it less than ideal. For example, sometimes we’re tired because of the demands of the day and we just need a few minutes to settle in. There may be distractions, ranging from children needing attention to time for a favorite television show. Sometimes there are other ears around, all too interested in what is going on. Then there are times when emotions are too high or the incident too raw, so it is difficult to respond in a mature manner.
Keep this in mind when considering your approach. Wait for the person to settle in, rather than starting something just as the person walks in the door. Check to be sure there are no interruptions and take care to ensure there is privacy so no one has to lose face to order to address the situation. Most importantly, don’t strike when the iron is hot!
Approach
Expectations are signaled within 30 seconds of the interaction and are capable of producing strong self-fulfilling prophecies. Kindness can go along way in setting the tone for cooperation while disrespect sets the stage for fighting.
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Attacks, threats, put downs, guilt trips, and judgments are ways to eliminate respect from the interaction. Refuse to make the other person an enemy. Instead, focus on the fact that this is someone you care about and want to make positive changes.
Listen
People are more willing to listen if they feel listened to. Drawn the person out by asking questions. Show interest in what they have to say through body language and direct eye contact. Refuse to interrupt. Work hard to summarize and reflect what you’ve heard so they know you get it.
In order to have the greatest positive influence over the goal and the conversation, never place being heard over being conscientious. Before opening your mouth, ensure the environment is ripe for a thoughtful discussion. Then do your best to treat the other person in a way you would like to be treated. By remembering your audience, you enhance the other person’s willingness to work with rather than defend against you.
The Seduction of Depression and Anxiety
Depression and anxiety are notorious for burdening people until they are worn down, overwhelmed, and raw. However, their influence is so consistent, all-encompassing and predictable, that in time they are as comfortable as an old pair of shoes. We become conditioned to their presence and don’t recognize the subtle and suggestive ways they urge us to cooperate with their agenda. If not on guard, we can be pushed into behaviors that sabotage our well-being and work to make the anxiety and depression even more powerful.
The reality is that depression and anxiety are highly seductive and give off the illusion that they are being helpful. Anxiety, for example, is reinforcing because we believe that it offers us an edge. There is a sense that if a futuristic situation is considered in detail, there will be a game plan. However, that is not usually how anxiety plays out. The majority of time, there is only a limited amount of information available- we can only be prepared to a point. But rather than letting the issue rest, the scene continues to play, usually with the prediction that it will not end in a positive manner. Here is where anxiety becomes particularly sly. By continually reinforcing how this is a problem (and paying little attention to what strengths exist that could help effectively address the situation), anxiety can promote a self-fulfilling prophecy. Then when the situation does go sour, there is a sense that the anxiety helped. It reduced suffering because it allowed an opportunity to come to terms with “obvious” inadequacies and avoided the shock of having to face this all at once.
Depression is not much better. It creates a lens through which the world is experienced. As I mentioned in January’s article, this filter colors all forms of input. All evidence then serves to validate the beliefs, resulting in more certainty that the depression is accurate. In other words, depression wants you to believe it is being truthful. Believe you are a burden, believe you are forever broken or believe that there is no end in sight. The heaviness and hopelessness that are the offspring of this thinking serves to discourage hope and sink deeper into despair.
If we take an honest look at the kind of relationship created by these two entities, their presence takes on a much more menacing quality. Take them out of the internal sphere and treat them as if they were an external person. They can be described as people who are constantly around and have commentary about everything that has to do with us. The news is slanted, intending to chip away at our sense of resolve, confidence and competence. It seems like advice and counsel, but in reality it is anything but. Such a person is a bully at best, a stalker at worst.
Refuse to cooperate with this destructive agenda. See the insidious ways that anxiety and depression are actively compromising your life and find help. You have the choice to take charge and actively engage in thoughts, feelings and behaviors that will reverse the downward spiral and lead you to feeling empowered. If you want to learn more about how to do this or feel you need support to be successful, I am ready to rally behind you.
Our Internal Propaganda
The other day, I was enjoying listening to someone critique a commercial. “All the kids in this commercial are skinny.” “What does blowing bubbles have to do with eating a hamburger?” She was identifying forms of manipulation. The effect of her clarity was an outward rolling of her eyes but internally, she had an intellectual vaccination against the powers that say, “You must buy now!”
This person could not have provided a better example of the power of critical thinking. We live in a world full of noise and this kind of disciplined mental work ensures wise action instead of gut reaction. Without it we are sitting ducks when it comes to tactics of persuasion. We could believe any idea that sounds good at the time or trust something as fact because the person delivering the message “seems” so honest. If all we have is our gut, we are prey to anyone with an agenda.
Critical thinking: a set of intellectual skills used to make reasonable, fair, and accurate conclusions. This form of discipline requires a full understanding of the context, drawing from observations, experience, reason, and reflection. Once those elements have been analyzed and synthesized, the meanings impacts beliefs and direct behavior.
While it may be easier to be wary of political pundits or advertisers, there is one person who is least likely to raise suspicion. This person seems like such a trustworthy source, yet if we look closer, this person is just as needy, motivated, and biased as the professionals. That person is you.
Why are we so believable?
According to Elliot Aronson, an expert on effective propaganda, there are several elements that encourage blind obedience:
- Credibility. Research has shown that people tend to trust information when it appears to come from an experienced and trustworthy source. It seems illogical to think that we would want to deceive ourselves or want something other than what is helpful. If there is no perceived agenda, there appears to be no reason to question the source.
- The more familiar the message, the greater the appeal. A billion dollar marketing firm holds no candle to our internal tapes. Where marketers have to figure out when their audience is available, our tapes have uninhibited access to our minds. Over the course of a lifetime, the messages and roles are so common, so consistent, they don’t even raise suspicion. Our conditioning goes without notice and is accepted as the norm.
- Emotional messages are more convincing than purely logical messages. Because this is an internal system, the time between message and emotional response is only milliseconds. To the undiscerning eye, the two are experienced as inseparable. The emotions, the corresponding body reactions, and the thoughts then all seem to be in agreement. Talk about validation!
Question the message and the messenger!
As you can see, we seem so trustworthy and best intentions, we are doing the best that we can. However, we must not forget that we are still fallible. We have been given messages (often inaccurate and dated) that encourage us to see the world in certain ways. We have lenses that tend to emphasize some pieces of reality and discount others. We have conflicting needs and impulses that could be ruthless without the application of morals and reason. Worst of all, we may not have all the facts to begin with. How many times has a reaction occurred, only to find out later that it wasn’t the whole story!
Luckily, with awareness and discernment, we do not have to be sitting ducks to our own rhetoric. Step back and observe the bigger picture. Ask questions to gain understanding. Allow time to process and consider the pieces. By recognizing our own vulnerabilities, we get to enjoy the same resilience as my the person mentioned above. Become better prepared, less reactive, and able to make wise choices.
Rethink Failure
“He who never makes mistakes, never makes anything,” – English Proverb.
The fear of failure has claimed many a dreamer. Just when creativity and energy start taking hold, the dreaded self-doubt comes in and destroys hope like a frost to early blooms, “But what if I fail?” The imagination then switches from realizing potential greatness to a spiraling scene of impending doom.
Rather than cooperate with black and white thinking, deeming failure as the antithesis to success, we need to reframe our views. History shows that failure and success are really cousins, intimate parts of the same process. Sometimes it is because success is not possible until certain skills are in place. A baby’s efforts to walk are such an example. Only through repeated attempts to stand (a.k.a. falling down) does the baby develop enough muscle strength for balance and posture. Other times, failure shows what doesn’t work so we can narrow down the options. This is one of the basic principles to being a learner- trial and error. Thomas Edison had over ten thousand “failures” before the electric lamp came into being. Then there are failures that help us abandoned fruitless paths. It took prison before O Henry was able to connect with the dormant author that lay within.
According to author Napoleon Hill, there are several factors that can help turn those tough times into successes. I have found three to be particularly potent:
1. Intense desire- it is hard to formulate a plan or tolerate upsets if the goal is not something worthwhile to you. Know what you are working towards and why it is of value. Train your mind to focus on that dream several times each day and visualize what it will look like as a reality. If you cannot dream it, you cannot do it.
The Wright brothers were consumed with thoughts of flight. When no one could be found to manufacture their designs, they built their own!
2. Decisiveness- do not be fooled! Lack of action is a decision. Procrastination is the cunning thief that steals opportunity from you. The only real power you have is to make the most of the moment. If you wait for the “right” time, you end up “waiting” yourself into retirement. Great ideas are only great when they are turned into action.
3. Persistence- the very definition means to work in spite of opposition. Where motivation can wax and wane based on your feelings, clinging to persistence means that you will carry on even when you feel like quitting. Persistence pushes you to keep taking action, the one thing that will get results.
In spite of eight lost elections, two business failures, and a nervous breakdown, Abraham Lincoln persistence led him right into the presidency.
Don’t let failure stop you before you have a chance to start. Refuse to see failure as a character flaw and instead see it as opportunity to become stronger.
Bullying is More Than Kid’s Play
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36083481/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/?GT1=43001
Above is a link to an article where MSNBC authors chose to headline a tragic story using language that softens the brutality suffered by a young woman. “Unrelenting bullying,” they called it. I can almost hear someone reply, “Oh, that’s just kids being kids.” But when you get into the meat of the article and adult terminology is used, the real terror comes forth. Why did these authors avoid words like rape and assault and instead minimize the ugly truth with a word as generic as bullying?
The assumption is that bullying is a common problem children face and in time, will be outgrown or will in some other way pass. On one hand, the assumption is true. Bullying is common. Recent research indicates that bullying is prevalent among 30 % of American school children within a school semester (Nansel et al., 2001). However, it is not just another childhood issue that will work itself out. Bullying is dangerous and can have the same lasting impacts as any other threatening/traumatic experience. I have worked with clients who are reluctant to be open because they still remember the pain of a broken confidence, when a “friend” sought popularity at his/her expense. Others become clingy or keep a distance so they will never again feel the full impact of being ostracized like they were at a younger age. Then there are adults who have lost their sense of “self” because they try to be what they think others want. For them, it is better to play along than to be criticized.
I find that an effective way of giving true respect and voice to a child’s situation is to place something that happened on the school playground within the context of a business. Once this seems like two adults, we would erase the “bullying” label and replace it with one of the terms in red. See what difference it has for you:
- A kid on the bus stated he was going to beat another kid up after school. Adult equivalent: threat of assault/ battery.
- Taking away lunch money. Adult equivalent: theft, possible extortion
- Two girls passed around a notebook having people write down all the things they hate about the friend they no longer want to hang out with. They gave the notebook to the girl between classes. Adult equivalent: defamation of character, slander
- A girl keeps having her hair pulled by the classmate sitting behind her. Adult equivalent: assault and harassment, creating a hostile work environment
- A teenager punched another guy for talking to his girlfriend. Adult equivalent: aggravated assault
Labeling something as “bullying” is the best way to make sure a behavior is dismissed or minimized. We need to listen to our children and recognize that their experiences are not just kids play but real fears, worries, and stressors. By taking children seriously, we create the potential for meaningful action that can hopefully make it safe to grow up.