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Reactions to Blasey Ford’s Allegations
It is hard to fully describe the reactions emerging since Dr. Christine Blasey Ford made sexual assault allegations against Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh. Clients, friends, colleagues and I share disgust as we watch waves of cruelty crash down on Ford for revealing her truth. Having seen over and over again the price survivors have paid when they have come forward, I am awed by her bravery. There is gratitude for those fighting to ensure Blasey Ford’s voice is heard. There are formidable opponents rallying behind this man, therefore fear is strong for the integrity of the highest court in the nation and the potential damage a person who justifies sexual misconduct could do in this seat of power.
President Trump tweeted on 9/21/18, “I have no doubt that, if the attack on Dr. Ford was as bad as she says, charges would have been immediately filed with local Law Enforcement Authorities by either her or her loving parents. I ask that she bring those filings forward so that we can learn date, time and place!”
This is one of many voices who speak up even though they are breathtakingly ignorant about sexual abuse and assault. But these words are more than uninformed; they are dangerous. They perpetuate the myths and attitudes that promote sexual violence and the stigma survivors have to endure. Here are just two forms of this destructive rhetoric:
There should be a statute of limitations on how long someone should be held responsible for their behavior.
“Teenagers do terrible things. That isn’t an excuse, and it doesn’t make the terrible thing less terrible, but it does lend context. The point isn’t simply that time has passed. The point is that most people change dramatically between their teenaged years and their fifties. People change dramatically even between their teenaged years and their mid-twenties. If a man at 60 is accused of having done something awful at 40, that past sin is more relevant than the past sin of a man at 35 who is accused of having done something awful at 15. The same amount of time has passed, but the personal transformation a human being undergoes between 15 and 35 is much deeper and more profound than whatever changes he may experience between 40 and 60. Most of the time, if a guy is a scumbag at 40, he’ll be a scumbag at 60. But a great many 15-year-old scumbags become perfectly decent adults.” https://conservativemedia.com/news/walsh-brett-kavanaugh-cant-disqualified-based-unsubstantiated-story-30-years-ago/
Time does not automatically mean change. I do not know how we can ignore the actions of someone who has never admitted to wrong-doing, never sought treatment, and never offered to make reparations. Based on Kavanaugh’s statement made during his speech at the Catholic University’s Columbus school of law, “What happens at Georgetown Prep, stays at Georgetown Prep,” there is no evidence that his attitudes towards appropriate behavior and accountability have changed.
In addition, the person who inflicted “terrible things” may have moved on but the impacts linger for the survivor. This is clearly the case for Dr. Ford. She was in couple’s counseling in 2012, working through issues with her husband when the disclosure occurred. This suggests that what took place when she was a teen has impacted her marriage. She was also reported as having said, “”I think it derailed me substantially for four or five years.” She went on to say that she struggled academically, socially, and in her ability to have healthy relationships with men.
I have worked with people decades following an assault, who are distraught and confused as to why they still struggle. Symptoms may include nightmares, difficulty trusting others, anger and blame, shame, numbness, and a sense of being defiled. Clearly, Kavanaugh has lived for years without concern about consequences. Dr. Ford did not have such a luxury.
If it happened, it would’ve been reported
According to the 2012 United States Justice Department’s National Crime Victimization Survey, 60% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police. An even higher rate was found by a British government study, which put their number between 75 and 95%. Let’s consider the reasons, using Dr. Blasey Ford’s experience as a backdrop:
Concerns they will not be believed
- Graham, a senior member of the Judiciary Committee, the panel vetting Kavanaugh’s nomination, called the allegations “wholesale character assassination.”
- Blasey Ford was dismissed as a liar by the White House and characterized as “mistaken” by Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT). Not only was this statement made before hearing the facts, he ignored the FBI crime statistics indicate that only 2% of reported rapes are false.
- Blasey Ford volunteered to take a polygraph test, which was administered by a retired FBI agent.
Having to relive the story
Dr. Blasey Ford has had to share details of her experience with senators, her lawyers, and some media outlets like the Washington Post. She has agreed to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee Thursday, while having to deal with her story blanketed across news sites and social media.
Feelings of embarrassment and stigma
Please see all other areas of this article.
Ambiguity about what constitutes sexual assault
Dr. Blasey Ford told The Washington Post, “I’m not telling anyone this,” she recalled thinking. “This is nothing. It didn’t happen, and he didn’t rape me.” At the time, this fifteen year old did not understand that the criminal act of sexual assault does not have to mean penetration. As the Meriam Dictionary states, “Sexual assault is an act in which a person sexually touches another person without that person’s consent, or coerces or physically forces a person to engage in a sexual act against their will.” According to the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network, Blasey Ford endured a blitz sexual assault, “when a perpetrator quickly and brutally assaults the victim with no prior contact.” www.rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault
Concerns that the criminal justice system is largely ineffective at responding to or preventing such incidents.
- Sen Jeff Flake stated, “Dr. Ford’s testimony would reflect her personal knowledge and memories of events. Nothing the FBI or any other investigator does would have any bearing on what Dr. Ford tells the committee, so there is no reason for any further delay,” (Regarding the Supreme Court nomination).
- Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said at the Value Voters Summit Friday, “In the very near future, Judge Kavanaugh will be on the United States Supreme Court. So my friends, keep the faith, don’t get rattled by all of this. We’re going to plow right through it and do our job.”
- The Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee have asked the White House to have the FBI investigate Ford’s charges. Last week, the FBI said it had simply referred the matter to the White House, as an update to Kavanaugh’s background check. https://www.npr.org/2018/09/17/648783307/from-anita-hill-to-christine-blasey-ford-the-similarities-and-differences
Fear of reprisal
- Ford told the Washington Post, “Now I feel like my civic responsibility is outweighing my anguish and terror about retaliation.”
- Due to death threats, Dr. Blasey Ford and her family have had to leave their residence and arrange for private security
- There have been numerous attempts to discredit Blasey Ford, such as:
- Since she went public, students have left negative reviews on her RateMyProfessors.com profile, calling her “unprofessional” and citing her “dark” personality.
- False claims Judge Kavanaugh’s mother once ruled against Dr. Blasey’s parents in a foreclosure case.
- False claims Dr. Blasey made similar sexual assault accusations against Justice Neil Gorsuch during his nomination process.
- Portraying Dr. Blasey as a partisan Democratic donor with a long history of left-wing activism.
- False claims Dr. Blasey’s brother worked at a law firm with ties to the Russia investigation
How I wish that Dr. Ford and other survivors could come forward and be treated with care and human decency. How I wish this story could serve as a beacon to other survivors who need protection and support. Sadly, it is largely a cautionary tale. As we can see, it is not always wise or possible for survivors to have a voice. There is no right path and reporting should never be mandated. Even if demands comes from the President of the United States, only the survivor can determine what is needed to heal and feel safe.
Yet there is hope, for Dr. Ford’s courage is allowing the world to see on a national scale what happens when a survivor comes forward. We have proof that sexual violence is just the beginning of the ordeal. Sharing one’s story means enduring ugly attitudes and prejudices that pile on additional forms of insult and injury. This dark force is out in the open and that means there is another opportunity to confront it head on. When you’re ready, Side By Side Counseling is here to stand beside you.
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Sources around the Kavanaugh/Ford Allegations
- https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2018/09/19/brett-kavanaugh-georgetown-prep-joke/1355117002/
- https://abcnews.go.com/US/woman-accusing-brett-kavanaugh-assault-feared-inadvertently-kill/story?id=57861692
- https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/23/us/politics/brett-kavanaugh-christine-blasey-ford-testify.html
- https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/09/21/mitch-mcconnell-were-going-plow-right-through-ford-allegation/1380905002/
Further Readings About Sexual Assault
- http://www.stopvaw.org/Consequences_of_Sexual_Assault
- http://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/learn/sexual-assault-rape/effects-sexual-assault-and-rape)
- https://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/research_reports/RR1000/RR1082/RAND_RR1082.pdf
- https://rainn.org/about-sexual-assault
- https://thebluebench.org/learn/common-misconceptions.html
- http://www.sapr.mil/public/docs/reports/task-force-report-for-care-of-victims-of-sa-2004.pdf
- https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/sexualviolence/riskprotectivefactors.html
- Statistics by the US Justice Department: https://books.google.com/books?id=8vEfd-lQBqkC&pg=PA265&lpg=PA265&dq=are+estimated+to+occur+at+the+low+rate+of+two+percent+–+similar+to+the+rate+of+false+accusations+for+other+violent+crimes.&source=bl&ots=wzcMHLSyj6&sig=aoiVmW6VPttZbPhf1jjq0jSK6sg&hl=en&sa=X&ei=goE1VJjcMJDwoASEuICoDQ#v=onepage&q=are%20estimated%20to%20occur%20at%20the%20low%20rate%20of%20two%20percent%20–%20similar%20to%20the%20rate%20of%20false%20accusations%20for%20other%20violent%20crimes.&f=false
Consent Explained With Tea
I was thrilled to learn that Colorado State University requires each student to participate in a class on sexual consent before being able to participate in their community. A segment involved watching a video which covered the topic using an analogy of sharing a cup of tea. This is one of the most straightforward, user-friendly presentations on the subject I have seen to date. Please share the following link with anyone you know, especially the younger generation. We have been sadly remiss in making sure these concepts are clear so sex is something enjoyable, safe and consensual.
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=sexual+consent+and+tea&qft=+filterui%3amsite-youtube.com&view=detail&mid=A2039E292FAB4206F2EBA2039E292FAB4206F2EB&&FORM=VDRVRV
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month
“This may have turned my life upside down but it will never define who I am nor break my spirit.”
To the brave women who are fighting or have fought breast cancer- there is no question that this battle is a big deal. It seeps into every aspect of life and can challenge core beliefs about who you are and how you’ve made sense of the world. No matter your individual journey, there is courage required to face this every day. May you have the support and compassion you need. May hope never diminish!
Apologies That Help Heal
Yes, it’s another article on forgiveness, but this time, the message is intended for those who have been wronged. I have seen so many people struggle to move on after an incident, feeling guilty that they have some kind of character flaw that keeps them stuck. Yet, in so many cases, the real problem is that the apology they received (if any) was missing something important. On some level, our intuition knows this. Sometimes I hear people hint about how the apologizer seemed flippant, tried to minimize, or the apology seemed hollow. Other times, it might feel like a form of manipulation to pacify the person or to just “get it over with.” Such instances never allow the opportunity to uncover or confront the cause(s) of the problem. If this hits a chord, the following might help you identify what you still need for resolution and freedom from this heavy emotional burden.
Step 1
When a person is truly ready to repent, the focus should be on you and what you need to heal rather than some defensive response. They may mention details about what happened to justify their behavior. While contributing factors have a place, it cannot be an excuse. Keep an eye out for humility, when they are brave enough to swallow pride and acknowledge that their actions caused pain. This should include details about what specifically was out of line which is the first part of the process to avoid such issues in the future (see step 2).
Next, they should be able to speak to the way(s) this has impacted you. Sometimes the impacts are “simply” emotional- betrayal, disappointment, hurt, or broken trust. Other times, it changes who you are in a significant way like a negative sense of self-worth, harmful coping strategies, or a need to keep others out in an effort to avoid vulnerability being used as a weapon in the future, to name a few. The larger the infraction, the larger the impact. Can they name them? Can they show you sadness that this is what you have had to endure? This suggests that they feel regret and have tapped into empathy. These are the core components of a conscience that has been pricked.
Step 2
An apology means nothing if it is only words. They should come to the table with a rough idea of what steps are needed to prevent this from happening again. Hopefully, in the process, they seek input from you to ensure that all your concerns are addressed in some way. It may not be a perfect plan but it should show good faith that they are willing to make real and lasting change.
Step 3
Finally, there has to be enough time for the plan to be put into action. It cannot be a onetime thing. There has to be repeated evidence that enough has changed for the foundation of trust to be rebuilt. There is no magic equation for how long this takes. It will be dependent upon the size of the infraction, how many times it has happened before, the degree of investment in the change, or if there is a long history of temporary change but then a tendency to fall back into old habits. Look for the efforts being made and the small or big ways change is taking hold.
As for your part, keep a check on your hurt. There is a point when this probationary period makes sense. However, sometimes we can get drunk on retribution and hold it over the other’s head for months to years. To be blunt, it’s not fair. Even felons have a limit to their sentence. If the rift causes damage beyond repair or if the pain remains stable over time, it may be time to move on. Neither of you deserve to be miserable or constantly on edge. If your heart begins to open again and the relationship can be repaired, there is hope it can lead to a new chapter instead of becoming an endless cycle of punishment and resentment.
Relationships between two imperfect people will never be without hurdles. Yet we are often unsure about the steps to take that mend rifts and allow us to reconnect and heal. For parties willing to invest in facing issues head on, it is possible to do work that makes us wiser, better people. With these steps, I hope you will be armed with the hope and knowledge to make it happen. If you find that you remain in limbo, call me and we can see what more you need to move forward.
Reinacting Trauma
The following is a wonderful summary of a common experience among trauma survivors. The author, Bessel Vander Kolk, is a highly respected authority on trauma, known for his research and application of treatment modalities. As I have already heard from several individuals, this has made sense of some choices/behaviors that before were confusing.
The compulsion to repeat the trauma. Re-enactment, revictimization, and masochism.
Trauma can be repeated on behavioral, emotional, physiologic, and neuroendocrinologic levels. Repetition on these different levels causes a large variety of individual and social suffering. Anger directed against the self or others is always a central problem in the lives of people who have been violated and this is itself a repetitive re-enactment of real events from the past. People need a “safe base” for normal social and biologic development. Traumatization occurs when both internal and external resources are inadequate to cope with external threat. Uncontrollable disruptions or distortions of attachment bonds precede the development of post-traumatic stress syndromes. People seek increased attachment in the face of external danger. Adults, as well as children, may develop strong emotional ties with people who intermittently harass, beat, and threaten them. The persistence of these attachment bonds leads to confusion of pain and love. Assaults lead to hyperarousal states for which the memory can be state-dependent or dissociated, and this memory only returns fully during renewed terror. This interferes with good judgment about these relationships and allows longing for attachment to overcome realistic fears. All primates subjected to early abuse and deprivation are vulnerable to engage in violent relationships with peers as adults. Males tend to be hyperaggressive, and females fail to protect themselves and their offspring against danger. Chronic physiologic hyperarousal persists, particularly to stimuli reminiscent of the trauma. Later stresses tend to be experienced as somatic states, rather than as specific events that require specific means of coping. Thus, victims of trauma may respond to contemporary stimuli as a return of the trauma, without conscious awareness that past injury rather than current stress is the basis of their physiologic emergency responses. Hyperarousal interferes with the ability to make rational assessments and prevents resolution and integration of the trauma. Disturbances in the catecholamine, serotonin, and endogenous opioid systems have been implicated in this persistence of all-or-none responses. People who have been exposed to highly stressful stimuli develop long-term potentiation of memory tracts that are reactivated at times of subsequent arousal. This activation explains how current stress is experienced as a return of the trauma; it causes a return to earlier behavior patterns. Ordinarily, people will choose the most pleasant of two alternatives. High arousal causes people to engage in familiar behavior, regardless of the rewards. As novel stimuli are anxiety provoking, under stress, previously traumatized people tend return to familiar patterns, even if they cause pain.(ABSTRACT TRUNCATED AT 400 WORDS).
Finding Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a hot topic because so many times it has been used as pressure to move on. “It’s in the past- let it go.” I have chosen to dedicate the next few articles to this endeavor, not as a voice stating it as a requirement, but rather, to highlight just how challenging it can be and the steps involved. This entry will be about the person who has been wronged. The next few articles will offer information about what is required to hopefully be able to mend the rift we caused in a relationship. Please feel free to write comments that can help inform me about questions or reactions that you might have to these reflections.
For Those Who Want to Stop Living With the Heaviness of Being Hurt
It is so tempting to believe that there is some magic switch that will turn off pain and allow us to move forward. Not only is this far from any reality I’ve seen in over 20 years working with trauma, it also denies the potential growth and wisdom we can gain by going through the process of letting go. We cannot go back to who we were before the incident happened. To quote Anne Lammott, “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past.” But it also does not mean that we have to feel wounded for the rest of our lives. We are more than what happens to us and we retain the power to find peace of mind.
I have borrowed from all kinds of sources- personal experience, religious leaders, colleagues, and the generous vulnerability and openness of clients who dared to take this path, to come up with the following steps:
Step 1: Remember. Many people do not want to dwell on what happened because it is painful and uncomfortable. However, unless there is willingness to spend some time making sense of the experience, we remain blind to the harmful impacts that can continue long after the memory. We must dive in, taking an honest look at all the facets and context we could not have processed while in the eye of the storm. There are contributing factors, lies we swallowed, reasons behind our reactions, ways dignity was broken down, and meanings we adopted about ourselves and the world. Robert Schreiter states, “Suffering only becomes redemptive or ennobling when we struggle against these corroding powers and rebuild ourselves in spite of the pain we are experiencing.” p. 33-34.
Step 2: Identify the harm. Determine the ways the experience was detrimental either permanently or for the time being. Grief will be an intimate part of this process, because it acknowledges that some things can never be regained. A victim cannot will themselves to be without scars nor can innocence be restored. There might also be specific periods of times where opportunities passed us by. Or perhaps there have been important segments of life that were deleted (example: lost childhood, independence, or life skills)
Step 3: Find the silver linings. In many cases, we come out of struggle with greater understanding. There will be new information about yourself and those who are closest to you. Perhaps you saw some values that you had not noticed before or there may be strengths that had been dormant until then. How were you able to grow in spite/because of what happened? By exploring these factors, the situation is not just a tragedy- you found a way to empower yourself through it.
Step 4: Identify the lessons. Consider what information needs to be implemented for you to feel as safe and happy as possible. For example, what has this taught you about skills you need, information gaps, etc. Perhaps there are missing boundaries, or new appreciation for your intuition. Maybe there is difficulty seeing warning signs or being able to determine trustworthiness. The goal here is to determine how we can wisely interact with others in a way that provides protection from those who may harm but also does not keep us from taking risks and connecting.
Step 5: Implement. Insights serve little purpose if they do not turn into action. Take classes, talk to people you respect, do research, and gain confidence to take risks. During this time, it is important to remember that there will be a learning curve; you cannot be an expert without lots of opportunity to fall down. Be kind and remind yourself that every time you try, no matter the result, is a success.
I find it very helpful to touch base with your value system for the next steps. There is such a strong pull to be righteously angry that there have to be compelling reasons for doing something different. For me, I try to keep in mind that I want to live a life that allows me to enjoy the moment without a lot of baggage weighing me down. If I’ve done the work above, I’ve taken everything valuable I can from the experience. Further review only keeps me upset and stuck, not centered and healthy.
Step 6: Let go. Make a commitment to releasing the past. Intentionally engage in visuals and activities that suggest closure. For example- write a brief summary of what happened. Then create a ritual similar to a burial, where you burn the paper and say a prayer/poem about the life you are ready to embrace. You may also consider putting all the pain and hurt symbolically onto a leaf. Breathe the distress onto the leaf, then release it into a stream. Watch as the leaf floats away, allowing you to breathe in the smell of nature, life, and peace that is left behind. The Dali Llama encourages visualizing the distress of the incident then a positive state. Note how each one feels and ask which you would rather have in your life. There is then a promise made to yourself: “Whatever befalls me, I shall not allow it to disturb my mental joy.
Step 7: Focus on the present. The past is over. Bring yourself back into the present, hopefully with delightful enticements. Enjoy little things, play, work, make love, get dirty, feel, and make new memories. If old thoughts and images return, acknowledge it happened and gently resume focus on the here and now. If that is ineffective, deliberately distract yourself. Over time, the pull of the incident will lesson because mental, emotional and energetic resources are no longer feeding it.
Step 8: Feel compassion. Finally, cease to see the person who harmed you in a depersonalized way. He or she is a flawed human being, like the rest of us. Since you are not responsible for making them change, you can release them from your grasp (and therefore any hold s/he had over you). This does not mean condoning what they did- it is ceasing to be saddled with resentment. Wish them the same happiness you hold for any living being and let a sense of compassion grow in your heart.
As you go through the various stages, please remember that each journey is unique. Some steps will take little time while others may be tool you use from this point forward. As long as you continue to maintain dedicated effort, things will change. In the end, you will have given yourself a great gift- peace.
References:
- Blair, C. (Found 9/1/15) The Practice of Forgiveness. Found at: http://newchurch.org/get-answers/connection-magazine/forgiveness/the-practice-of-forgiveness/?gclid=CjwKEAjw1MSvBRDj2IyP-o7PygsSJAC_6zodKEs8IyzRdO5bYdE3C85X9otkr6Z-Gjf5saq7TUi5thoC2JXw_wcB
- Chodoron, P. (2002) The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times. Boston, MA: Shambhala.
- Dalai Lama (1997) Healing Anger: The Power of Patience From a Buddhist Perspective. Ithaca, NY: Snow Lion Publications.
Just Show Up
It’s been a hard couple of weeks talking with multiple people dealing with painful hardships that have no answers or perceived end in sight. The situation is bad enough in and of itself, but adding a lack of information makes it unbearable. For example, an undiagnosed medical concern or perhaps an unstable loved one who has not responded for days. Maybe there is a long-buried memory starting to surface but details remain out of reach. There is no way to plan, no action to take, and therefore, no sense of control. All there is to do is wait and endure.
It is in these moments that supportive people play a vital role. The problem is that so few people know how to do it well. As I observed my own reactions in several situations and the impulses I had to squelch, I began to sense why this is so hard and how easy it would be to put my foot in my mouth leaving the hurting person feeling misunderstood and alone. So what are some of the key components of being trustworthy and supportive enough to have the privilege of being part of someone’s journey? How do we show up well so we are helpful instead of making things worse?
- The most important job is to manage our own emotions so we can keep the focus on the person in pain. It requires us to tolerate an aching heart as we watch another human being suffer. While we can engage, share about things happening in our lives so the relationship does not become solely about struggle, our reactions to the situation can add more to what the other is already dealing with. . Find someone else to talk to while being mindful about maintaining confidences and privacy.
- Accept that there is nothing you can do to make the situation change. It just sucks. Every time you want to offer advice, share an anecdote, or try to distract, take a deep breath instead and resist the temptation to try to fix things.
- Exercise every ounce of patience. Limbo is riddled with worry and it will take a toll. Even the most skilled person will be living with a heavy cloak of dread that can only be managed, not eliminated. This person you care about might become surly, reactive, or down. Try not to take it personally; it’s the situation, not you.
- Let their feelings have room to be expressed. Hand out tissues, get fluffy socks, see the truth in their perspective, and validate. I can’t say enough about the therapeutic impact of being heard. It is a rare gift to not have to measure words but pour them out, knowing that the caring ear is strong enough to handle whatever comes to the surface.
- Stay the course. Suspend expectations of what the journey should look like or how long it will take to deal with it. Pain is already isolating. Choosing to hang in there is an unmeasurable gift that will have long reaching impacts you can’t even imagine. One client said to me, “If it weren’t for her, I don’t know what I would’ve done.”
There are very few times in our lives when we will be called to be our best selves and this is one of them. We will be tested, tempted to take the easy road of verbal pats on the head that feel nothing more than patronizing. But if we can choose to be more: more understanding, more patient, and as self-less as possible, we become one of the lights that gets our loved one through dark times.