Yes, it’s another article on forgiveness, but this time, the message is intended for those who have been wronged. I have seen so many people struggle to move on after an incident, feeling guilty that they have some kind of character flaw that keeps them stuck. Yet, in so many cases, the real problem is that the apology they received (if any) was missing something important. On some level, our intuition knows this. Sometimes I hear people hint about how the apologizer seemed flippant, tried to minimize, or the apology seemed hollow. Other times, it might feel like a form of manipulation to pacify the person or to just “get it over with.” Such instances never allow the opportunity to uncover or confront the cause(s) of the problem. If this hits a chord, the following might help you identify what you still need for resolution and freedom from this heavy emotional burden.
Step 1
When a person is truly ready to repent, the focus should be on you and what you need to heal rather than some defensive response. They may mention details about what happened to justify their behavior. While contributing factors have a place, it cannot be an excuse. Keep an eye out for humility, when they are brave enough to swallow pride and acknowledge that their actions caused pain. This should include details about what specifically was out of line which is the first part of the process to avoid such issues in the future (see step 2).
Next, they should be able to speak to the way(s) this has impacted you. Sometimes the impacts are “simply” emotional- betrayal, disappointment, hurt, or broken trust. Other times, it changes who you are in a significant way like a negative sense of self-worth, harmful coping strategies, or a need to keep others out in an effort to avoid vulnerability being used as a weapon in the future, to name a few. The larger the infraction, the larger the impact. Can they name them? Can they show you sadness that this is what you have had to endure? This suggests that they feel regret and have tapped into empathy. These are the core components of a conscience that has been pricked.
Step 2
An apology means nothing if it is only words. They should come to the table with a rough idea of what steps are needed to prevent this from happening again. Hopefully, in the process, they seek input from you to ensure that all your concerns are addressed in some way. It may not be a perfect plan but it should show good faith that they are willing to make real and lasting change.
Step 3
Finally, there has to be enough time for the plan to be put into action. It cannot be a onetime thing. There has to be repeated evidence that enough has changed for the foundation of trust to be rebuilt. There is no magic equation for how long this takes. It will be dependent upon the size of the infraction, how many times it has happened before, the degree of investment in the change, or if there is a long history of temporary change but then a tendency to fall back into old habits. Look for the efforts being made and the small or big ways change is taking hold.
As for your part, keep a check on your hurt. There is a point when this probationary period makes sense. However, sometimes we can get drunk on retribution and hold it over the other’s head for months to years. To be blunt, it’s not fair. Even felons have a limit to their sentence. If the rift causes damage beyond repair or if the pain remains stable over time, it may be time to move on. Neither of you deserve to be miserable or constantly on edge. If your heart begins to open again and the relationship can be repaired, there is hope it can lead to a new chapter instead of becoming an endless cycle of punishment and resentment.
Relationships between two imperfect people will never be without hurdles. Yet we are often unsure about the steps to take that mend rifts and allow us to reconnect and heal. For parties willing to invest in facing issues head on, it is possible to do work that makes us wiser, better people. With these steps, I hope you will be armed with the hope and knowledge to make it happen. If you find that you remain in limbo, call me and we can see what more you need to move forward.