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Sometimes, life sucks.  Loss, injustice, disappointment, accidents, the complete lack of tech skills (sorry hubby!)… There are inevitably hardships that come our way that cannot be reframed or bandaged.  I’m not going to tell you to look at the positive, nor am I going to delude myself into thinking I’m helpful with some platitude when you will still feel just as miserable.  Instead, it is o.k., dare I say healthy, to allow yourself to be upset during these times.  In a culture addicted to comfort at all costs, the goal is not always to feel “better”.

So let’s clarify something.  Book titles like “When Bad Things Happen to Good People”, “Why Me?” and “When God Says No” suggest that something is wrong when we are struggling, as if we were just good enough none of this would have happened.  If we can take anything from the Biblical book of Job, it highlights that even the most iconically perfect human being fell on hard times.  While sometimes we have to experience painful consequences for our actions, struggles are not about some personal reckoning, nor are you a victim if you struggle.  The unflattering reality is that shit happens.

But that does not mean that these experiences are only to be endured.  Instead, they are ripe with potential to challenge ourselves, learn, and find the path that leads to wisdom.   It all lies in the willingness to face hardships with the intention to see pain as another kind of enriching experience.  Don’t believe me?  Consider, just a few potential benefits:

• No longer having control, it can loosen up deep rooted patterns that may be stagnant and predictable.  This allows new risks to be taken, no longer bound by the comfortable handcuffs of the familiar.
• Core beliefs are challenged.  For example, a common lament is the desire for justice, but much of life is not about merit.  A child does not ask to be born with fetal alcohol syndrome, loosing thousands of dollars due to a Ponzi scheme is not deserved, etc.  There is a whole lot of life that has nothing to do with fairness, no matter how much we wish it could be.  As these constructs break down, we become open to new understandings.
• Defenses also tend to break down, creating the potential for new vulnerability and honesty.  These are the very qualities needed to connect with others in deep and meaningful ways.
• Nothing is more humbling than imperfection.  It is the ultimate cure for pride and self-righteousness, and replacing them with compassion and empathy.
• There is also nothing quite as heartwarming nor inspiring as seeing someone stand by our side, providing love and belonging, flaws and all.
• It is easy to take aspects of life for granted or be driven by the pressure to do/want/strive for more.  Seeing the tenderness of life and the frailty of our existence breeds gratitude for what we already have.

My hope is that we stop this constant fear of the bumps of life.  Instead, let’s see this as part of the ride.  If it’s painful, allow the upset and let the emotion pass through.  When feeling alone, embrace the opportunity to learn what it means to need our friends for more than coffee and a movie.  Take hold of the chance to develop healthier strategies, and most importantly, be thankful for the reminder that we are not omnipotent (If I have a hard time not killing plants, I shudder to think of what would happen if I was in charge).

Pema Chodron wrote, “…there are two ways to go into a gas chamber, free or not free.  This is our choice in every moment.  Do we relate to our circumstances with bitterness or with openness?”  She then adds, “All things are workable… a fearless proclamation of what’s possible for ordinary people like you and me.”

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Chodron, P. (2000).  When things fall apart: Heart advice for difficult times.  Boston, MA: Shambhala Publications, Inc.

Brown, B. C. (2010).  The gifts of imperfection.  Center City, MN: Hazelden.

Dalia Lama.  (1997).  Healing anger: the power of patience from a Buddhist perspective.  Ithaca, NY: Snow Lion Publications

A fascinating study was recently released that highlighted how the psychopath’s brain is wired in an unusual way.  Where most of us have the ability to care and feel concern for a fellow human being, the psychopath lacks mirror neurons which control the ability to experience empathy http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-23431793.  For most of us, this is hard to even conceive since empathy is such a normal part of our experience.  But for these types of people, they have to fake it.  They study human behavior much like expert poker players, learning what “tells” to provide at a given time to create the desired effect.   They have neither desire nor internal need for connection, so others only serve as objects to use or manipulate.

Those who deal with such a person are often left bewildered and devastated.  They cannot reconcile how someone can be so charming and attentive, and then capable of incredible cruelty.   The reality is, without empathy, there is no distress when something inappropriate occurs; there is no internal warning that lets the individual know that the behavior is wrong.  Unencumbered by guilt or remorse, only the threat of getting caught stands in their way.

Although only one to two percent of the population has this disorder, don’t get to comfortable thinking that this is only a trait of evil people.  We all have the capacity to be selfish or to act even though we know it is wrong.  Let’s identify our darker side so we can evade such ugliness.

Entitlement– there is nothing attractive about demanding especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance.  The intention, effort or sacrifice are irrelevant; people are expected to fill the need.  Appreciation is minimal because it is expected that this would be provided.  However, fall short and the entitled person will be disappointed and have minimal gratitude for what was provided.  Consider the film Christmas Story where Ralphie’s horde of gifts was just “ok” until dad produced that Red Rider BB gun.  I heard another example just today.  Someone came home early and made his spouse’s favorite meal.  Her only response was, “the meat is dry.”  In times when the entitlement is really strong; the belief is, “I’ve been wronged.”   There is no personal accountability, only blame and self-pity.  It is then all too easy to want to punish the person for the pain they have “inflicted”.  The foundation has been laid where justification can flourish.

Justification– before harm can be done; a person must go through intellectual gymnastics to rationalize the action into something righteous.   Empathy and compassion are put on hold and the perceived moral high ground takes over.  Incredible acts of cruelty have been done because of this- from large horrors like genocide (they are polluting society), to smaller offenses like sharing secrets.  As Gandhi said, “an eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.”  We must always be concerned when we are willing to treat others in ways we would find hurtful, offensive, or callous if inflicted on ourselves.

Discounting boundaries– we all have the right to advocate for ourselves, saying no when something is too much, unsafe, or violates values.   However, there are times when people still push, focused more on what they want even if it is at the expense of the other’s personal rights.  For example, a young child is told to greet his grandmother with a hug and kiss.  He acts shy and tries to hide behind his parent.   If the child’s boundaries are honored, the parent would allow the child time to warm up to grandmother and determine if and when he wants to share his affection.  Unfortunately, the child is usually scolded for being silly and pressured to do what he is told.  In that small moment, the little boy has learned that he does not have the right to determine what happens to his body.  Mom and dad showed him that it is more important to fake intimacy than be safe.  Gavin DeBecker states that ignoring people’s boundaries is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it. (1997, p. 64)

Mandated Trust/Respect–  there is no role or title that bestows trust or respect.   “…because I’m your mother.”  “Don’t you dare hold back from me!  Couples are supposed to share everything.”  These qualities cannot be granted and still retain meaning.  Instead, they must develop over time.    In various situations a person must demonstrate integrity, reliability, and self-control.   This is an important process, because increased trust usually promotes greater vulnerability and influence.   People who tend to be trustworthy do not have to rush the processes; they know it will come.  Those who still try to force this are ultimately hurting themselves because demands do anything but foster respect.  Instead, the person is put into the position to either blindly comply, comply while feeling resentment, or lie.

And we ourselves are most likely guilty of these tendencies.  Consider the parent who brutally attacks his child’s ego because he is afraid, “Don’t be such a baby!”  Or perhaps it is an insecure person covering her jealousy by pointing out the threatening person’s faults.  Look at any website where comments are allowed and you will see breathtakingly mean attacks, thanks to anonymity.

We must work against these seductive, yet hurtful behaviors that leave our minds closed and our path strewn with destroyed relationships.  The best answer is to become conscious of these tendencies, so we can choose to be better than our reactions:

• What are my expectations?  Are they reasonable or beyond reach?
• Is there any judgment that could be clouding my perspective?
• What is my part in this?
• How am I trying to get what I want?  Am I manipulating by using fear, obligation, or guilt?
• How do I perceive the other person?  If I spoke my thoughts out loud, how would the other person feel?
• What is the other person’s vantage point?  What does s/he see that I don’t?
• How might humility and gratitude be applied?

 Here’s hoping that through our efforts to be wise, we also make a world that is kind.

“A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time. When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, The one I feed the most.”
― George Bernard Shaw