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COVID-19 Reactions and Grief
We are in a constant state of change as the situation surrounding the COVID-19 evolves. There are many ways people are responding and it can be confusing as to why we are on such a dramatic spectrum between denial and panic. A way I have been making sense of these differences is to frame them all as reactions to grief.
Where most of us have thought of grief as primarily attached to life and death situations, at its core grief is a process we go through whenever there is change. It begins with the raw awareness of what is no more. As Wangerin states, “It then becomes a struggle where there is a violent disputing of the facts, a striving for life again, a revising the terms by which we know ourselves, a sometime surrender to despair, and finally a conscious acceptance of the change- in which we change.”
These words highlight that loss leads to new understandings about ourselves, our priorities, and what we find meaningful. Through these experiences, we can make adjustments and discover what we cannot control and where we have the power to deliberately chose how we face what is before us. (See a previous article about Viktor Frankl’s work)
The Phases of Grief
A pioneer in the field, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross found that there are some patterns that emerge with grief. Although she called the stages, where one moves from one experience to the next, these are more accurately phases (more fluid). Emotions ebb and flow, sometimes we camp in one phase for a while, completely skip another one, or have several phases at the same time. Borrowing heavily from the summary given at www.LoveLivesOn.com, the phases are listed below:
- Shock/Denial- a normal reaction when emotions are overwhelming. It buffers the immediate shock. Ex: this is just a government hoax.
- Anger- as numbness wears off, the pain of loss starts to take hold and we lament at the unfairness of it all, search for blame, and lash out. Ex: instead of calling this COVID-19 virus, it has been referred to as the Chinese virus.
- Bargaining- this stage clarifies what is gone and what remains negotiable. “It provides temporary escape from pain, provides hope, and gives time to adjust to the reality.” Ex: in a few weeks this will be over.
- Depression- (not Major Depression Disorder although the symptoms are similar) common features include intense sadness/hopelessness/apathy, increases/decreases in both appetite and sleep, limited motivation, withdrawal, and poor concentration.
- Acceptance- coming to terms that the situation is real and beyond our ability to control. Ex: finding virtual ways to connect to each other
All kinds of other emotions may arise; these are just the most common. It is rare for people to be in the same phase at the same time or cope in the same way. If we are not aware of these differences, they can be a major source of conflict. One woman lamented that after her partner was laid off, she was hurt. “I’m crying and wanting to talk about what we are going to do and all he wants to do is go outside and work on his car!” I highlighted that he may be pulling into himself and finding respite in something he can control/fix. All the emotions are valid, even if they are not shared. The key is ensuring that the behaviors are channeled as much as possible in healthy ways.
This is not an easy journey, but it is necessary to find a way to move forward. Some people can do this without a therapist, others appreciate the added support. Whatever is right for each of us, I hope we can find peace in knowing that this is a time we do not have to go it alone.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” -Vicki Harrison
Next article: factors that impact the grieving process.
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Just for a Smile
As we stay home and try not to bite each other, perspective and finding positives are just what the therapist orders. Here is a cute video to enjoy and hopefully bring a smile!
Wisdom of Viktor Frankl
The COVID-19 pandemic has created a ripple effect that is unprecedented in our time. There are so many ways people are being impacted, making it difficult to find solid ground to stand on. So how do we face this in a meaningful way? How might this be a chance for us to gain perspective about what truly matters to us?
Two weeks before the chaos hit, I happened to read Viktor Frankl’s work, “Man’s Search for Meaning“. This is an autobiography of a psychologist’s experience through four concentration camps, including Auschwitz. He shares what he witnessed, focusing less on the atrocities and more about human behavior and the human spirit. I found his insights inspiring- a call to choose how to show up in times of adversity.
Today, his words take on new meaning. Should you find your interest piqued, I came across a beautiful summary that highlights Frankl’s main points that still capture the emotional context in which his wisdom emerged. I hope it brings you solace and hope during this difficult time.
Man’s Search For Meaning Summary: 6 Best Lessons from Viktor Frankl – Growth.me
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” – V. Frankl
Managing Anxiety During the Pandemic
There is a really great article at the Huffington Post that outlines some important ways to manage your distress during this unique time. It provides some needed perspective and practical ideas to implement.
Antidotes to Disappointment
This video does a wonderful job talking about something that is a common plague in our society: dissatisfaction. This is the experience we have when a situation falls short of expectations. Instead of being able to enjoy what ended up being the reality, the experience is colored with negativity. There is a priceless scene in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone when Dudley is given a room full of toys for his birthday. His parents reveal his new treasures with big smiles and the expectations of delight. Instead, his response is a nasty tantrum as he realizes there is one less present than last year. His parents try to appease him with statements highlighting larger sizes or greater expense, but it has no effect. The love behind the effort makes no impact. All that matters to the boy is quantity.
Not all expectations are bad. They can serve as filters, so we do not tolerate people or situations that are toxic. They might also help us develop goals that push us further than we thought possible. Expectations are also a key component of standards. Without them, we would not know what qualifies someone for a job, creates credentialing, or ensures a level of quality. Thank goodness for those expectations! But what this video and article focus on, are those measures that do not inspire. They are soaked in words like “should,” “must,” and “ought.” Rather than lead to a sense of contentment, they take us down a path that leads to feeling frustrated, guilty, cheated, or resentful.
The video’s antidote is to embrace gratitude and practice it regularly. They mention beautiful results like reducing selfishness, improving sleep, encouraging positivity that drives social bonds, to name a few. There is another factor worth mentioning. “What fires together wires together.” This statement refers to the phenomenon called neuroplasticity. Our brain has neurons that put out electrical impulses (fire) that communicates with other neurons along a specific path. Over time, well used pathways get strengthened; those that do not atrophy and are pruned. So, whatever we practice, whether piano, karate, or self-talk, it will gradually change and rewire the brain.
While we cannot change genetics, traumatic experiences, biochemistry, or brain structures, there are still things we can do. One powerful way we can make an impact is to be very intentional about our habits. If you spend more time thinking about your inadequacies or what is wrong, then your brain will become wired to dwell even more in these areas. If you seek out the positive, you will not only improve those neurological pathways, you will also have more opportunity for joy. It may not be easy to change long-standing behaviors but in the end, you will spend less time fighting what brings you down and instead build things that nourish you.
If you would like a formal way to practice gratitude, there are numerous apps available on your phone. Some of these are simple journals, others include encouragements and suggestions for various forms of self-care.
Triggers and the Holidays
I know this may be hard to believe, but not everyone is excited about spending holidays with their families. Sadly, dysfunction does not break for special occasions. There might be a relative who makes such inappropriate statements that leaves everyone in confused shock, or jealousies that lead to competition about everything from who brought the best side dish to obnoxiously boasting about accomplishments. Then there are people who not only cause discomfort; they are harmful. There might be judgmental statements that shame and embarrass, or there might even be someone who has been or remains abusive. It’s hard enough to deal with these things in the best of times, let alone all at once and with skill.
I regularly recommend clients develop a plan for these moments; creating ways to minimize exposure to tough people or topics, bolster resiliency, and create choices that can prevent feeling trapped.
- Acknowledge where/when/with whom you might be triggered. We were born with a certain number of painful experiences and relationships because we live with human beings who are limited in different ways. If you take a step back and think about what upsetting feelings emerge around this time of year, your awareness can inform your action plan.
- Strategically use the environment. Sit near an exit. This provides a subconscious indicator that it is possible to walk away if need be. Find a place to stand that is far from the offending person or ensure that conversations happen with other people present to dilute the intensity of the encounter. One can even use furniture to create a sense of separation. For example, talk with a coffee table or chair between you, or sit with a pillow on your lap. The latter can also be a way to soothe your nerves.
- Resist using alcohol to “take the edge off”. This form of coping can reduce inhibitions. If you are fighting to keep your cool in the first place, alcohol could make it harder to manage anger, defensiveness, and other responses that impact respect and dignity. The commitment to staying substance-free can be the difference between surviving the event and later needing damage control.
- Prepare responses to tough questions or comments.
- Change the subject
- Be vague or give short answers
- Make a non-committal statement. For example, “That’s one way to see it.” or “Interesting question.”
- Agree with them. For example, the other person says, “I can’t believe you lost your job.” You, “It has been a tough year but I’m getting through it.”
- Excuse yourself. Go on a walk , play with the kids, get a drink of water, etc.
- Have a tiered signal system with someone who can support you. There is nothing like knowing someone who understands how hard this is and will have your back when it becomes too hard. For example, sustained eye contact means, “I’m stuck with this person and need help getting out of the conversation.” A squeeze of the hand suggests I need a minute to vent. A double squeeze means I’m struggling so much I need to go for a walk and may need a hug. Finally, numerous throat clears state, “I have had all I can take. It’s time to go.”
Hopefully these suggestions can get the wheels turning about ways you can approach the season with intention, confidence, and strength. Best of all, your efforts can also carry over into other relationships and events throughout the year. With the challenges managed, perhaps you will not only survive the season but have a bit of fun in the process. If you are curious about tailor-made options or want assistance for how to utilize these skills on a regular basis, please feel free to contact me.
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For other suggestions for general struggles, you can read the article at Psychology Today provided by Dr. Barrata. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/skinny-revisited/201612/dreading-the-holidays
I have also written other articles about coping with the holidays.
Supreme Court Ruling on Transgender Employment Rights
There is a major decision currently under consideration in the Supreme Court, determining what employment rights will be provided to the known 1.4 million transgender citizens currently living in the United States. The case for gender equality is brought by the plaintiff, Ms. Aimee Stephens, who was fired after disclosing her intention to transition. In her own words, Ms. Stephen’s read the letter she provided to her employer and colleagues. It includes heart-wrenching details of the pain that comes with leading a double life. The sense of despair almost resulted in suicide but rather than a violent ending, she decided to risk whatever was necessary to be true to herself. It has come with a harsh price- her job, her privacy, and a long fight against the legal system. To learn more, please check out the New York Times podcast, The Daily: Because of Sex, where two reporters dialogue about the constitutional factors involved in the lawsuit as well as the judges’ concerns about the social ripple effect that might ensue.
Statistics found at: http://williamsinstitute.la.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/How-Many-Adults-Identity-As_transgender-in-the-United-States.pdf