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Tis The Season to be Triggered
Imagine that moment when you are standing on the front step of a family member’s home with the expected hot casserole in hand the family insisted is a must to honor traditions. The usual mantras start to play, “Maybe this year it can be different. We can all be on our best behavior.” “There is no reason we have to dissolve into the usual dynamics.” “I’m tired of spending the drive home venting about why I keep doing this to myself year after year!” Yet, the moment you walk across the threshold, all of this is forgotten and the predictable patterns take hold.
Even with our best intentions, there is sooooo much working against us. There is the inevitable stress with all the obligations. There are cousins like Scott who further tap your reserves by spending the night giving you a rundown of his resume, not once asking about your life. Then there are the inevitable challenges being around people who know exactly what buttons to push and may even be responsible for deep wounds that are still unresolved and sore.
Don’t give up home for change, but also don’t bank on it. Instead, focus less on wishes and more on dealing with what *is* rather than the craziness that may always be there. Stop waiting for change and instead, create a plan of self-care strategies that build resilience. The following are some options that my clients have found helpful. Whichever ones you try, notice the ones that help and versus the ones that have minimal impact. Then you can gradually create a plan that is tailor made to be as effective as possible.
Space
Use space well when dealing with someone who drives you crazy. Instead of cozying up in a corner for a long chat, sit across the room, hopefully with others there to interject into the conversation. Or perhaps you can help with food preparation so you have a task to focus on instead of taking in the full blast of the person’s energy. Another option is to have furniture between you and the person you are talking with. Stand behind a chair; talk on the opposite side of a table. There can be a subconscious relief knowing there is a barrier to keep the other at bay as well as your own desire to shake her/him. My personal favorite is to sit close to a door so you know that there is an exit if need be.
Objective Observation
Become a social scientist. Make a game of observing. Like preparing to describe the rituals of gorillas, watch details of interactions. Consider these fascinating social behaviors: what roles are played, what topics are allowed, and which viewpoints get the most air time or shut down? What kind of baggage does each person bring and how does this get acted out? From this vantage point, you are not part of the group but create a degree of separation. This keeps you from swimming in the dramas and allows the chance to have insight. By taking this approach, you might learn more about how you get hooked into old patterns and what interactions, conversations, etc. might cause strong reactions. These are things that can be explored and addressed at a later date.
Build In Breaks
Find ways to re-center. I find it best to have a tiered level of response so you do not need to go from being part of the celebration to peeling out of the driveway in your car.
First Level Coping
- Half listen, take your pulse, look at the shape of the other’s eyebrows, or wondering how many times the word, “um” is used in the midst of a soliloquy.
- Find someone you have to “talk something with before you forget”. It doesn’t matter what you actually talk about, as long as you get space.
- Excuse yourself. Get a drink of water. Go to the bathroom and splash some cold water on your face. This gives you time to breathe without it looking like a major boundary being set that can raise flags.
Second Level Coping
- Take a walk around other areas of the home/office/etc. to find some quiet and breathe. Breathe, remind yourself this is temporary, and consider other ways you can enjoy yourself.
- Talk a brisk walk outside. This time of year means you will be a little chilly so this should get rid of some pent up adrenaline and help you focus on the moment as your body starts to wonder why you are not by a fire with a good book.
Third Level Coping
- Make your exit. You can say that you’re not feeling great and need to go home to rest. This is a factual statement- they will just assume it is physical and not because you are emotionally at your wits end and cannot handle any more. All of these methods are intended to allow you options without having to explain yourself and making the situation a thing.
Support
Designate a wing man. This can be a trusted ally who “gets it”. They know when to give you supportive looks, rescue you from a monologuer, or provide a needed hug at the right time. I also find them invaluable for post party processing. Not only can they offer validation and find some way to make you laugh, they can also provide new perspectives to chew on.
It may not be a perfect holiday season, and for some, you might be white-knuckling it for the next few weeks. However, with planning and tools in place, it is possible to move from simple endurance to empowered intention. And if that won’t work, you can either ask Santa to bring you a nice, long January vacation, or contact me to figure out other strategies that can help find joy in the season.
Holiday Survival
I feel like November snuck up on me and I soon realized that in just a few weeks, there will be holiday get togethers and a spike in stressors. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a utility belt like Batman that gives you all you need to survive the season? You feel frantic at the store- a little energy zapper would immediately provide a sense of calm. There could be a button that creates an invisible force field so you would be unaffected by your crazy uncle who thrives on chaos. Alas, there is no such option. However, there are mental and emotional tools that can be used in a similar fashion. Noticing a theme of anxiety surfacing with family dynamics nearing, the following are ideas on how to handle the season with style. With determination and preparation, you can implement creative responses to whatever lies ahead.
Acknowledge your triggers and pre-determine ways to take care of yourself. This is a time of triggers. We were born with a certain number of painful experiences and relationships because we live with a bunch of human beings who are limited in different ways. If you take a step back and think about what upsetting feelings emerge around this time of year, you can go in with an action plan. For example, if your cousin tends to dominate conversations, consider sitting somewhere in the room that is further away. Perhaps there is someone who loves to find fault in everyone. Identify ways you can stay grounded and neutral so you have the choice whether or not to engage. Keep in mind that the more time you take between the trigger and the response, the greater the chance you are choosing how to respond rather than simply reacting.
Liberate yourself from expectations. The reality of expectations is that when you set the bar high, anything that falls beneath that line will not be appreciated. Lots of loving acts go unnoticed because they were not exactly what had been anticipated. Without conditions for what is o.k., you can be more open. You eradicate the fear of disappointment and create space for flexibility and new experiences. (A great example of this is depicted in the “Christmas Story” movie when the glorious turkey is devoured by the neighbor’s dogs. The family winds up enjoying their Christmas meal with duck at a Chinese restaurant!)
Re-evaluate the roles you play. Roles are everywhere. At an early age, we are conditioned to engage in certain ways and deterred from other behaviors. Soon these responses become automatic and unchallenged. Do any of these sound familiar: the baby, the success, the responsible one, the fat one, the thin one, the rebel, or the black sheep? These are all different boxes we can get stuck in. We are denied the opportunity to be present in the moment and respond in ways that fit with our ever maturing values and needs. Determine what roles you have been asked to play and consider ways to step outside of them. You are so much more than the box you’ve had to fill!
These are just a few of the options! The key is to be intentional- know what adds to your stress and have a plan to address these head on. Then, you can hopefully find joy during the next few months and create positive memories that bring smiles for years to come. To all- I wish you peace and happy holidays!
Vote
For the values you want our country to stand for… vote.
For all those people who are not able to have a voice… vote.
To stand up for those harmed by bad policies… vote.
To help preserve democracy… vote.
To demonstrate consideration of those beyond your social circle…. vote.
To make sure our representatives accurately represent those they serve… vote.
To honor all those who fought for your right to speak… vote.
To refuse the seduction of apathy and disenfranchisement… vote.
Because rights are hard to gain but easy to lose…. vote.
Because you vote is your voice…. vote.
Keeping Thoughts In Check
The following article does a wonderful job highlighting how a thought is not to be taken at face value but something to be worked with. Instead of letting the mind run amok with negative self-talk, the author gives a step-by-step approach to address this tendency head on. She encourages an exploration into the internal messages, an activity that promotes emotional distancing and objectivity. Using specific questions, valuable information our thoughts might contain is identified while any distortions that might color our perspective can be cleared out. With more realistic data, it becomes possible to consider contextual factors and options for how to respond. This is a great example of how emotional processing can lead to better self-awareness and a healthier mindset.
https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-i-cant-thoughts-run-your-mind-and-life/
Reactions to Blasey Ford’s Allegations
It is hard to fully describe the reactions emerging since Dr. Christine Blasey Ford made sexual assault allegations against Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh. Clients, friends, colleagues and I share disgust as we watch waves of cruelty crash down on Ford for revealing her truth. Having seen over and over again the price survivors have paid when they have come forward, I am awed by her bravery. There is gratitude for those fighting to ensure Blasey Ford’s voice is heard. There are formidable opponents rallying behind this man, therefore fear is strong for the integrity of the highest court in the nation and the potential damage a person who justifies sexual misconduct could do in this seat of power.
President Trump tweeted on 9/21/18, “I have no doubt that, if the attack on Dr. Ford was as bad as she says, charges would have been immediately filed with local Law Enforcement Authorities by either her or her loving parents. I ask that she bring those filings forward so that we can learn date, time and place!”
This is one of many voices who speak up even though they are breathtakingly ignorant about sexual abuse and assault. But these words are more than uninformed; they are dangerous. They perpetuate the myths and attitudes that promote sexual violence and the stigma survivors have to endure. Here are just two forms of this destructive rhetoric:
There should be a statute of limitations on how long someone should be held responsible for their behavior.
“Teenagers do terrible things. That isn’t an excuse, and it doesn’t make the terrible thing less terrible, but it does lend context. The point isn’t simply that time has passed. The point is that most people change dramatically between their teenaged years and their fifties. People change dramatically even between their teenaged years and their mid-twenties. If a man at 60 is accused of having done something awful at 40, that past sin is more relevant than the past sin of a man at 35 who is accused of having done something awful at 15. The same amount of time has passed, but the personal transformation a human being undergoes between 15 and 35 is much deeper and more profound than whatever changes he may experience between 40 and 60. Most of the time, if a guy is a scumbag at 40, he’ll be a scumbag at 60. But a great many 15-year-old scumbags become perfectly decent adults.” https://conservativemedia.com/news/walsh-brett-kavanaugh-cant-disqualified-based-unsubstantiated-story-30-years-ago/
Time does not automatically mean change. I do not know how we can ignore the actions of someone who has never admitted to wrong-doing, never sought treatment, and never offered to make reparations. Based on Kavanaugh’s statement made during his speech at the Catholic University’s Columbus school of law, “What happens at Georgetown Prep, stays at Georgetown Prep,” there is no evidence that his attitudes towards appropriate behavior and accountability have changed.
In addition, the person who inflicted “terrible things” may have moved on but the impacts linger for the survivor. This is clearly the case for Dr. Ford. She was in couple’s counseling in 2012, working through issues with her husband when the disclosure occurred. This suggests that what took place when she was a teen has impacted her marriage. She was also reported as having said, “”I think it derailed me substantially for four or five years.” She went on to say that she struggled academically, socially, and in her ability to have healthy relationships with men.
I have worked with people decades following an assault, who are distraught and confused as to why they still struggle. Symptoms may include nightmares, difficulty trusting others, anger and blame, shame, numbness, and a sense of being defiled. Clearly, Kavanaugh has lived for years without concern about consequences. Dr. Ford did not have such a luxury.
If it happened, it would’ve been reported
According to the 2012 United States Justice Department’s National Crime Victimization Survey, 60% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police. An even higher rate was found by a British government study, which put their number between 75 and 95%. Let’s consider the reasons, using Dr. Blasey Ford’s experience as a backdrop:
Concerns they will not be believed
- Graham, a senior member of the Judiciary Committee, the panel vetting Kavanaugh’s nomination, called the allegations “wholesale character assassination.”
- Blasey Ford was dismissed as a liar by the White House and characterized as “mistaken” by Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT). Not only was this statement made before hearing the facts, he ignored the FBI crime statistics indicate that only 2% of reported rapes are false.
- Blasey Ford volunteered to take a polygraph test, which was administered by a retired FBI agent.
Having to relive the story
Dr. Blasey Ford has had to share details of her experience with senators, her lawyers, and some media outlets like the Washington Post. She has agreed to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee Thursday, while having to deal with her story blanketed across news sites and social media.
Feelings of embarrassment and stigma
Please see all other areas of this article.
Ambiguity about what constitutes sexual assault
Dr. Blasey Ford told The Washington Post, “I’m not telling anyone this,” she recalled thinking. “This is nothing. It didn’t happen, and he didn’t rape me.” At the time, this fifteen year old did not understand that the criminal act of sexual assault does not have to mean penetration. As the Meriam Dictionary states, “Sexual assault is an act in which a person sexually touches another person without that person’s consent, or coerces or physically forces a person to engage in a sexual act against their will.” According to the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network, Blasey Ford endured a blitz sexual assault, “when a perpetrator quickly and brutally assaults the victim with no prior contact.” www.rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault
Concerns that the criminal justice system is largely ineffective at responding to or preventing such incidents.
- Sen Jeff Flake stated, “Dr. Ford’s testimony would reflect her personal knowledge and memories of events. Nothing the FBI or any other investigator does would have any bearing on what Dr. Ford tells the committee, so there is no reason for any further delay,” (Regarding the Supreme Court nomination).
- Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said at the Value Voters Summit Friday, “In the very near future, Judge Kavanaugh will be on the United States Supreme Court. So my friends, keep the faith, don’t get rattled by all of this. We’re going to plow right through it and do our job.”
- The Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee have asked the White House to have the FBI investigate Ford’s charges. Last week, the FBI said it had simply referred the matter to the White House, as an update to Kavanaugh’s background check. https://www.npr.org/2018/09/17/648783307/from-anita-hill-to-christine-blasey-ford-the-similarities-and-differences
Fear of reprisal
- Ford told the Washington Post, “Now I feel like my civic responsibility is outweighing my anguish and terror about retaliation.”
- Due to death threats, Dr. Blasey Ford and her family have had to leave their residence and arrange for private security
- There have been numerous attempts to discredit Blasey Ford, such as:
- Since she went public, students have left negative reviews on her RateMyProfessors.com profile, calling her “unprofessional” and citing her “dark” personality.
- False claims Judge Kavanaugh’s mother once ruled against Dr. Blasey’s parents in a foreclosure case.
- False claims Dr. Blasey made similar sexual assault accusations against Justice Neil Gorsuch during his nomination process.
- Portraying Dr. Blasey as a partisan Democratic donor with a long history of left-wing activism.
- False claims Dr. Blasey’s brother worked at a law firm with ties to the Russia investigation
How I wish that Dr. Ford and other survivors could come forward and be treated with care and human decency. How I wish this story could serve as a beacon to other survivors who need protection and support. Sadly, it is largely a cautionary tale. As we can see, it is not always wise or possible for survivors to have a voice. There is no right path and reporting should never be mandated. Even if demands comes from the President of the United States, only the survivor can determine what is needed to heal and feel safe.
Yet there is hope, for Dr. Ford’s courage is allowing the world to see on a national scale what happens when a survivor comes forward. We have proof that sexual violence is just the beginning of the ordeal. Sharing one’s story means enduring ugly attitudes and prejudices that pile on additional forms of insult and injury. This dark force is out in the open and that means there is another opportunity to confront it head on. When you’re ready, Side By Side Counseling is here to stand beside you.
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Sources around the Kavanaugh/Ford Allegations
- https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2018/09/19/brett-kavanaugh-georgetown-prep-joke/1355117002/
- https://abcnews.go.com/US/woman-accusing-brett-kavanaugh-assault-feared-inadvertently-kill/story?id=57861692
- https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/23/us/politics/brett-kavanaugh-christine-blasey-ford-testify.html
- https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/09/21/mitch-mcconnell-were-going-plow-right-through-ford-allegation/1380905002/
Further Readings About Sexual Assault
- http://www.stopvaw.org/Consequences_of_Sexual_Assault
- http://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/learn/sexual-assault-rape/effects-sexual-assault-and-rape)
- https://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/research_reports/RR1000/RR1082/RAND_RR1082.pdf
- https://rainn.org/about-sexual-assault
- https://thebluebench.org/learn/common-misconceptions.html
- http://www.sapr.mil/public/docs/reports/task-force-report-for-care-of-victims-of-sa-2004.pdf
- https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/sexualviolence/riskprotectivefactors.html
- Statistics by the US Justice Department: https://books.google.com/books?id=8vEfd-lQBqkC&pg=PA265&lpg=PA265&dq=are+estimated+to+occur+at+the+low+rate+of+two+percent+–+similar+to+the+rate+of+false+accusations+for+other+violent+crimes.&source=bl&ots=wzcMHLSyj6&sig=aoiVmW6VPttZbPhf1jjq0jSK6sg&hl=en&sa=X&ei=goE1VJjcMJDwoASEuICoDQ#v=onepage&q=are%20estimated%20to%20occur%20at%20the%20low%20rate%20of%20two%20percent%20–%20similar%20to%20the%20rate%20of%20false%20accusations%20for%20other%20violent%20crimes.&f=false
Consent Explained With Tea
I was thrilled to learn that Colorado State University requires each student to participate in a class on sexual consent before being able to participate in their community. A segment involved watching a video which covered the topic using an analogy of sharing a cup of tea. This is one of the most straightforward, user-friendly presentations on the subject I have seen to date. Please share the following link with anyone you know, especially the younger generation. We have been sadly remiss in making sure these concepts are clear so sex is something enjoyable, safe and consensual.
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=sexual+consent+and+tea&qft=+filterui%3amsite-youtube.com&view=detail&mid=A2039E292FAB4206F2EBA2039E292FAB4206F2EB&&FORM=VDRVRV
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month
“This may have turned my life upside down but it will never define who I am nor break my spirit.”
To the brave women who are fighting or have fought breast cancer- there is no question that this battle is a big deal. It seeps into every aspect of life and can challenge core beliefs about who you are and how you’ve made sense of the world. No matter your individual journey, there is courage required to face this every day. May you have the support and compassion you need. May hope never diminish!