We are in a constant state of change as the situation surrounding the COVID-19 evolves. There are many ways people are responding and it can be confusing as to why we are on such a dramatic spectrum between denial and panic. A way I have been making sense of these differences is to frame them all as reactions to grief.
Where most of us have thought of grief as primarily attached to life and death situations, at its core grief is a process we go through whenever there is change. It begins with the raw awareness of what is no more. As Wangerin states, “It then becomes a struggle where there is a violent disputing of the facts, a striving for life again, a revising the terms by which we know ourselves, a sometime surrender to despair, and finally a conscious acceptance of the change- in which we change.”
These words highlight that loss leads to new understandings about ourselves, our priorities, and what we find meaningful. Through these experiences, we can make adjustments and discover what we cannot control and where we have the power to deliberately chose how we face what is before us. (See a previous article about Viktor Frankl’s work)
The Phases of Grief
A pioneer in the field, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross found that there are some patterns that emerge with grief. Although she called the stages, where one moves from one experience to the next, these are more accurately phases (more fluid). Emotions ebb and flow, sometimes we camp in one phase for a while, completely skip another one, or have several phases at the same time. Borrowing heavily from the summary given at www.LoveLivesOn.com, the phases are listed below:
- Shock/Denial- a normal reaction when emotions are overwhelming. It buffers the immediate shock. Ex: this is just a government hoax.
- Anger- as numbness wears off, the pain of loss starts to take hold and we lament at the unfairness of it all, search for blame, and lash out. Ex: instead of calling this COVID-19 virus, it has been referred to as the Chinese virus.
- Bargaining- this stage clarifies what is gone and what remains negotiable. “It provides temporary escape from pain, provides hope, and gives time to adjust to the reality.” Ex: in a few weeks this will be over.
- Depression- (not Major Depression Disorder although the symptoms are similar) common features include intense sadness/hopelessness/apathy, increases/decreases in both appetite and sleep, limited motivation, withdrawal, and poor concentration.
- Acceptance- coming to terms that the situation is real and beyond our ability to control. Ex: finding virtual ways to connect to each other
All kinds of other emotions may arise; these are just the most common. It is rare for people to be in the same phase at the same time or cope in the same way. If we are not aware of these differences, they can be a major source of conflict. One woman lamented that after her partner was laid off, she was hurt. “I’m crying and wanting to talk about what we are going to do and all he wants to do is go outside and work on his car!” I highlighted that he may be pulling into himself and finding respite in something he can control/fix. All the emotions are valid, even if they are not shared. The key is ensuring that the behaviors are channeled as much as possible in healthy ways.
This is not an easy journey, but it is necessary to find a way to move forward. Some people can do this without a therapist, others appreciate the added support. Whatever is right for each of us, I hope we can find peace in knowing that this is a time we do not have to go it alone.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” -Vicki Harrison
Next article: factors that impact the grieving process.
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