Everyone is not always on best behavior. We can be selfish, defensive, unfair, hurtful, and at times even cruel. For some this is relatively rare and with some heart-felt apologies and efforts to change, these moments become reminders that we are all human. For others, however, it is more than an error in judgment. It is a regular pastime.
The reality is that little bullies, when not stopped, just get bigger. They may be a sibling, partner, peer, neighbor, boss, or even a friend. And just like our smaller counterparts, adult targets suffer very real consequences. For example, research by Hershcovis and Barling found workplace bullying creates health impacting stress and anxiety, while also compromising motivation and performance. Research from W. Virginia University studied bullying in adult siblings. Focusing on just verbal aggression, they determined seven different forms, all successful at causing intentional hurt. In my own practice, clients show symptoms of trauma, validating that bullying really is abuse.
Types
Verbal– name calling, taunting, laughing at someone’s mistakes, making up stories that gets a person in trouble, hurtful text messages, hate speech, insulting nicknames, mocking or imitating, sexual slurs, refusing to listen to your input, and threats
Physical– to list a few: intimidation, keying a car, pushing, and fighting
Social/relational– this occurs when someone is humiliated or demeaned in front of others. Not only is this hurtful and upsetting, it is also intended to create public shame. When no one sticks up for the bullied person, the target feels completely alone. There are three types:
1. Nonverbal: rolling eyes, making faces, staring, laughing
2. Psychological: isolate, shun, ignore, exclude, silent treatment
3. Relational: intentionally damaging someone’s social status.
Examples: mean electronic posts on facebook/twitter/etc., a boss yelling at a subordinate in front of others, inviting everyone out for a drink except one person, revealing secrets, taking credit for someone else’s work, and gossip.
In time, you are miserable. These behaviors have the power to make you feel crazy, suck the joy out of your job, compromise your self-esteem, erode health, and turn you into a reactive mess.
How to Survive Cruel People
1. Recognize that you are dealing with a bully. It is imperative that you listen to warning signals. If you are talking with a friend who is bad mouthing someone else, it is only a matter of time when stories will be told about you.
2. Minimize your vulnerability through strong, clear boundaries. Limits protect us. They set the rules of engagement, with the intent of maintaining respectful interactions for all parties. Sometimes boundaries are in the form of behaviors such as ceasing the conversation when it becomes abusive. Other times it is more subtle, such as refraining from disclosing information you want to ensure is private.
3. Resist the desire to leave it unaddressed. Take responsibility for creating change. Procrastination is the cunning thief that steals opportunity from you. The main power you have is to make the most of the moment. In addition, with these individuals, the situation will not improve. Most likely, it will worsen if allowed to persist.
4. Determine the appropriate course of action. Some of these individuals may not be aware of how their behavior affects you. Other people are doing this intentionally. Determine escalating levels of intervention. The continuum goes from a low intensity option like asking the other person to stop. (This is appropriate for those unaware of what they are doing). A high intensity intervention would be to talk with human resources, or the police. There are some instances when your efforts have no impact on their behavior. In these cases, you have to determine how much you are willing to tolerate. To preserve health, you may need to terminate the relationship.
5. Document. There are times when administration or legal avenues must be pursued. In these instances, written notes that include dates, times, and details of what transpired can be used as evidence to support your assertions.
There is more! There are also ways that you can behave in the moment that can create powerful resiliency against the harmful impacts of disrespect and meanness. There are also techniques that can be used that will make you least likely to be targeted in the future. You are invited to a free one-hour seminar on September 21st, 2010 in the conference room from 6-7 p.m.where you will learn these very tools. Feel supported, educated, and ready to stand up for yourself! Call to reserve a spot!