I know this may be hard to believe, but not everyone is excited about spending holidays with their families. Sadly, dysfunction does not break for special occasions. There might be a relative who makes such inappropriate statements that leaves everyone in confused shock, or jealousies that lead to competition about everything from who brought the best side dish to obnoxiously boasting about accomplishments. Then there are people who not only cause discomfort; they are harmful. There might be judgmental statements that shame and embarrass, or there might even be someone who has been or remains abusive. It’s hard enough to deal with these things in the best of times, let alone all at once and with skill.
I regularly recommend clients develop a plan for these moments; creating ways to minimize exposure to tough people or topics, bolster resiliency, and create choices that can prevent feeling trapped.
- Acknowledge where/when/with whom you might be triggered. We were born with a certain number of painful experiences and relationships because we live with human beings who are limited in different ways. If you take a step back and think about what upsetting feelings emerge around this time of year, your awareness can inform your action plan.
- Strategically use the environment. Sit near an exit. This provides a subconscious indicator that it is possible to walk away if need be. Find a place to stand that is far from the offending person or ensure that conversations happen with other people present to dilute the intensity of the encounter. One can even use furniture to create a sense of separation. For example, talk with a coffee table or chair between you, or sit with a pillow on your lap. The latter can also be a way to soothe your nerves.
- Resist using alcohol to “take the edge off”. This form of coping can reduce inhibitions. If you are fighting to keep your cool in the first place, alcohol could make it harder to manage anger, defensiveness, and other responses that impact respect and dignity. The commitment to staying substance-free can be the difference between surviving the event and later needing damage control.
- Prepare responses to tough questions or comments.
- Change the subject
- Be vague or give short answers
- Make a non-committal statement. For example, “That’s one way to see it.” or “Interesting question.”
- Agree with them. For example, the other person says, “I can’t believe you lost your job.” You, “It has been a tough year but I’m getting through it.”
- Excuse yourself. Go on a walk , play with the kids, get a drink of water, etc.
- Have a tiered signal system with someone who can support you. There is nothing like knowing someone who understands how hard this is and will have your back when it becomes too hard. For example, sustained eye contact means, “I’m stuck with this person and need help getting out of the conversation.” A squeeze of the hand suggests I need a minute to vent. A double squeeze means I’m struggling so much I need to go for a walk and may need a hug. Finally, numerous throat clears state, “I have had all I can take. It’s time to go.”
Hopefully these suggestions can get the wheels turning about ways you can approach the season with intention, confidence, and strength. Best of all, your efforts can also carry over into other relationships and events throughout the year. With the challenges managed, perhaps you will not only survive the season but have a bit of fun in the process. If you are curious about tailor-made options or want assistance for how to utilize these skills on a regular basis, please feel free to contact me.
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For other suggestions for general struggles, you can read the article at Psychology Today provided by Dr. Barrata. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/skinny-revisited/201612/dreading-the-holidays
I have also written other articles about coping with the holidays.