Imagine that moment when you are standing on the front step of a family member’s home with the expected hot casserole in hand the family insisted is a must to honor traditions. The usual mantras start to play, “Maybe this year it can be different. We can all be on our best behavior.” “There is no reason we have to dissolve into the usual dynamics.” “I’m tired of spending the drive home venting about why I keep doing this to myself year after year!” Yet, the moment you walk across the threshold, all of this is forgotten and the predictable patterns take hold.
Even with our best intentions, there is sooooo much working against us. There is the inevitable stress with all the obligations. There are cousins like Scott who further tap your reserves by spending the night giving you a rundown of his resume, not once asking about your life. Then there are the inevitable challenges being around people who know exactly what buttons to push and may even be responsible for deep wounds that are still unresolved and sore.
Don’t give up home for change, but also don’t bank on it. Instead, focus less on wishes and more on dealing with what *is* rather than the craziness that may always be there. Stop waiting for change and instead, create a plan of self-care strategies that build resilience. The following are some options that my clients have found helpful. Whichever ones you try, notice the ones that help and versus the ones that have minimal impact. Then you can gradually create a plan that is tailor made to be as effective as possible.
Space
Use space well when dealing with someone who drives you crazy. Instead of cozying up in a corner for a long chat, sit across the room, hopefully with others there to interject into the conversation. Or perhaps you can help with food preparation so you have a task to focus on instead of taking in the full blast of the person’s energy. Another option is to have furniture between you and the person you are talking with. Stand behind a chair; talk on the opposite side of a table. There can be a subconscious relief knowing there is a barrier to keep the other at bay as well as your own desire to shake her/him. My personal favorite is to sit close to a door so you know that there is an exit if need be.
Objective Observation
Become a social scientist. Make a game of observing. Like preparing to describe the rituals of gorillas, watch details of interactions. Consider these fascinating social behaviors: what roles are played, what topics are allowed, and which viewpoints get the most air time or shut down? What kind of baggage does each person bring and how does this get acted out? From this vantage point, you are not part of the group but create a degree of separation. This keeps you from swimming in the dramas and allows the chance to have insight. By taking this approach, you might learn more about how you get hooked into old patterns and what interactions, conversations, etc. might cause strong reactions. These are things that can be explored and addressed at a later date.
Build In Breaks
Find ways to re-center. I find it best to have a tiered level of response so you do not need to go from being part of the celebration to peeling out of the driveway in your car.
First Level Coping
- Half listen, take your pulse, look at the shape of the other’s eyebrows, or wondering how many times the word, “um” is used in the midst of a soliloquy.
- Find someone you have to “talk something with before you forget”. It doesn’t matter what you actually talk about, as long as you get space.
- Excuse yourself. Get a drink of water. Go to the bathroom and splash some cold water on your face. This gives you time to breathe without it looking like a major boundary being set that can raise flags.
Second Level Coping
- Take a walk around other areas of the home/office/etc. to find some quiet and breathe. Breathe, remind yourself this is temporary, and consider other ways you can enjoy yourself.
- Talk a brisk walk outside. This time of year means you will be a little chilly so this should get rid of some pent up adrenaline and help you focus on the moment as your body starts to wonder why you are not by a fire with a good book.
Third Level Coping
- Make your exit. You can say that you’re not feeling great and need to go home to rest. This is a factual statement- they will just assume it is physical and not because you are emotionally at your wits end and cannot handle any more. All of these methods are intended to allow you options without having to explain yourself and making the situation a thing.
Support
Designate a wing man. This can be a trusted ally who “gets it”. They know when to give you supportive looks, rescue you from a monologuer, or provide a needed hug at the right time. I also find them invaluable for post party processing. Not only can they offer validation and find some way to make you laugh, they can also provide new perspectives to chew on.
It may not be a perfect holiday season, and for some, you might be white-knuckling it for the next few weeks. However, with planning and tools in place, it is possible to move from simple endurance to empowered intention. And if that won’t work, you can either ask Santa to bring you a nice, long January vacation, or contact me to figure out other strategies that can help find joy in the season.