Before we begin, spend the next several minutes writing down the honest feelings and beliefs you have about yourself. For instance, organized, thoughtful, out of control, or invisible, to name a few. Once completed, read this to a trusted support person aloud, acting as though you are sharing this about them, or read it as if it was a letter you found that had been given to a loved one. What was this like? What reaction did you have to the messages when you considered it being directed at someone else?
Self-inflicted Cruelty
We have all heard it. Someone criticizing themselves with labels, harsh expectations, and blame. My heart aches when I watch another human being be shamed and humiliated for the sin of being imperfect. What happened? The moment we are born people celebrate the new life; not for what he/she may potentially do, or even what they are doing (crying and pooping). They are just loved. But over time, our elation gives way to some toxic indoctrination that we are only as good as our level of conformity or measurable successes.
How it works: (to name just a few)
The Foot-in-the-door technique: when individuals agree to what seems like a small thing, they are usually unaware of the human tendency to commit themselves further once they are “in”. Small compromises, done subtly, are easy to justify but in time lead to greater demands. The inner critic works on this very principle- a harsh label or shaming statement here and there can have limited impacted, but as the tapes become familiar and tolerated, the cruelty will become relentless. Pretty soon, self-esteem is compromised and if there is no resistance, a belief surfaces: If I tolerate being treated badly, I must not be worth fighting for.
The diagnosis bias– defined as the inability to reevaluate our initial diagnosis of a person or situation. This is largely due to the fact that we discount any evidence that goes against our belief and instead, look for any information that validates our opinion. As I mentioned before, self-esteem is something deeply entrenched in our sense of self. If the critical messages are like an old friend, our tendency is to remain very loyal and negate anything that does not fit with the ugly messages you’ve been hearing.
The myth of prevention: no one likes rejection, disappointment, or falling short. One way to deal with this pervasive human fear is to anticipate it so it will be as painful. Other people believe that if they attack themselves first, they take away the ammunition from others. But in reality, these experiences hurt and the benefit you might receive is minimal.
Stop this craziness now! No more “I’m so _______!” (Pick one you know- stupid, defective, worthless, broken, etc.) We cannot expect ourselves to take risks, be vulnerable, have faith, and see our own worth when we are perpetuating a cycle of abuse. We may be able to put on a good face for others, acting as though everything is fine. However, we cannot fool ourselves. If we respond to shortcomings or mistakes with a bag full of attacks, we basically beat down the tender parts of our spirit, adding salt in the wound with messages that we are nothing more than failures or disappointments.
Optional Activity:
- Meet your critic. For two days, just notice how many times the messages come to mind. Tally. Next, write down the actual critical remarks.
- Begin to recognize how the critic treats you. The more you are aware, the more power you have to change it.
- Visualize yourself at a young age. Imagine that this child is on your shoulder when you engage in self-talk. Choose who gets to speak to this little person: someone with compassion or the critic.