According to Aristotle, we are all on a journey to find true happiness, a treasure so extraordinary that it satisfies in the deepest sense. No matter the external circumstances or imperfections, happiness produces the fruit of lasting tranquility and rich contentment. Yet it is no easy prize to attain. As admired thinkers have shared, the path is full of distractions and poor substitutes. These ensnare many travelers that they lose sight of their quest. I will not pretend to be someone who has “arrived” by any means, but life gives us clues how to live with more happiness and below are ones I have found to help me stay the course.
Internal
How many times have we heard about individuals pining away their lives in the hope that a knight will rescue them from their plight and take them to happily ever after land? This truly is a fairy tale and the perfect way to remain passive in your life. This work is internal, and something only the individual can be responsible for.
But before you know what to address, one must disengage our mental autopilot and learn to observe. It is only through awareness that we will be able to look for filters, assumptions, and meanings that serve to keep us stuck.
Dr. Pavel Somov, an expert in skills to combat emotional overeating, created the following exercise as a way to increase objectivity: take out a piece of paper and pencil. Over the next minute, put a dot down on the paper every time you have a new thought. Once noted, allow the thought to float away like a leaf traveling downstream. At the end of the minute, notice how many dots you have on your paper. Jot down any observations you have about the experience. Now repeat the exercise, only this time, take a deep breath between thoughts. What is the difference between the first and second attempts? What thoughts did you observe? How did they change with the breath? If someone spoke these words to you, what impressions would you have? Are these valuable thoughts or obstructive?
Discipline
Like any worthwhile endeavor, training is necessary to adjust to ever changing circumstances and understandings. One must commit to deliberate and repetitive practice of certain habits, responses, and attitudes (Ex: passive observation of thoughts, openness, centeredness). These actions become like seeds, intentionally planted in this moment in order to blossom into something beautiful the next. Over time, the efforts turn into conditioned responses that feel natural, almost instinctive, with the power to reshape even the most ingrained behaviors. Reactivity becomes thoughtful action; hurriedness becomes patience, and triggering turns into a noticed moment with minimal upset. Discipline is where our real control and freedom lie- not in changing the environment but rather in our learned response to it.
Consider what you want your life to stand for and what qualities you would like to develop. Choose one area that seems within reach and create steps towards this positive change.
- Make a commitment to this new goal. Set aside time and practices that will reinforce what is being created. These need to be tangible and achievable.
- Write a paragraph that highlights why this is important to you and what it will add to your life. Read this at least daily.
- Identify strategies, taking care to look into resources and teachers who can offer you new perspectives and ideas. There is no need to recreate the wheel. Also, stay consistent. Use our natural tendency towards habit to your advantage.
- Find some way to stay on track. Perhaps there is someone in your life who has a similar desire and the two of you can schedule regular meetings to offer support, new ideas, and feedback. Write down in your calendar a regular time to check in to see how you are progressing. It is too easy to fall back into old ways, so one must remain vigilant. It is also so much more fun when you have company.
- Check in to see the level of success. Observe practices or barriers that are inconsistent with this goal and what could be done to address this. There may also be times when you have changed so much, the goals need to be revised. This process ensures that your efforts are fruitful and meaningful.
Acceptance
The first and noble truth identified by the Buddha is that suffering exists. Looking just on the surface, it is easy to see: people die, dreams get disappointed, and accidents happen. Yet so often, people scream in frustration because the world refuses to be “just right.” This is an illusion based on a desire to control the natural chaos that comes with an imperfect life. This is beyond human capacity to change. Do not waste precious time and energy on such fruitless effort.
Instead, recognize that there is a certain amount of life that cannot be remedied (aging, death, our DNA, our childhood influences, etc.). In these situations, the goal is to learn how to work within the parameters given. For example, when a boulder enters into a stream, the water immediately finds a new course around the obstacle. The key is flexibility. We need to let go of the expectations of what used to be, and instead adjust so we move with rather than against the changing circumstances.
There are also other areas where one might be able to have some influence (health, the future, a specific job, etc.). In these cases, we can only do our best. There are no guarantees. For instance, if there is a predisposition to diabetes, one can decrease risk through lifestyle choices. However, the condition may still arise in spite of these efforts. Focus on maximizing opportunities to enhance the potential for a positive outcome.
Finally, there are areas where we have a greater ability to have dramatic impact. Specifically, it lies in our mental state and attitude. Each instance is an opportunity to learn and challenge our habitual ways of thinking and responding. What other perspectives might there be? What old hurts am I hanging on to? What roles do I keep playing or rules do I follow that keep me stuck in unhelpful patterns? By placing actions here, one is able to recognize that happiness is not separate from strife, it lies within it.
*** Soon to come: two more components to the path