I was sitting in a hot tub on vacation and happened to have a gaggle of teenagers within earshot, talking about their adventures and relationship dramas of the day (Warming: I’m about to sound really, really old), when I was struck by the cyclical experience of human development. The conversations were so similar to the ones I had at that time in my life- the same concerns, the same pressures, and the same hopes. It was fun to see the world through their eyes, but I also had huge relief that over the decades, my priorities have changed. I couldn’t help but wonder what it might be like for elders, who have even more wisdom and experience under their belt. How might that change what it is like in later years?

Like those teenagers, younger generations have certain priorities. Many of us are busy juggling multiple demands so efficiency and quick decision making are key to keeping up. With elders, this is not the focus- they have a different relationship to time and pressures we may not be able to fathom. What life is like and all they juggle is hard to fully comprehend until it is our turn.  My hope is that in the next two articles, I can provide a peek into one facet of their experience: the two developmental tasks they must address. Hopefully, this perspective will increase understanding so we can find common ground and enjoy meaningful connections.

The first important work elderly people address is a life review. This is when someone determines where their life has taken them and the legacy they are leaving behind. It can allow joy in those moments of success and adventure; and bring up regrets and unfinished business. As the person listening, these conversations can be rich, learning about historical facts that have shaped the dynamics in your family. You may learn about a time in history you would never get to hear in nuanced detail. It may also be a chance to clarify your own values and underscore the legacy you’re going to leave behind and how that might direct our decisions at this point in our lives.

One of the most prominent traits that are part of this process are non-linear conversations. Rather than having a clear story arc or even a connection to the topic previously being discussed, topics may arise in unexpected moments. It’s going to be this messiness that allows the raw material for creation and connection to occur. The focus is on the meat, not the journey to get there. (At the bottom of the article is a great example of this developmental work.)

Some particulars to this process-

• There may not be a clear sequence.   They may seemingly go off task, but often, these tangents are rich.  Things may surface at given times because they have a specific connection to what was before, yet it may not always be clear what that connection is.
• They repeat the same stories:  there may be several reasons for this. They may not remember they’ve told the story before, they keep emphasizing the stories because there is high significance, or there is something in the story that points to something unresolved that they are trying to make sense of.
• Embedded in the stories are core values and central themes, the raw materials used to later define a sense of legacy.
• The speaker may know that a story is important but may not be aware of how it fits into the legacy. 

Actions We Can Take:

Take Time to Settle In

There are many types of people who need time to warm up to a topic with other dialogue first.  They are getting comfortable and gauging how receptive we are.  Ex: a man on medical rounds at a nursing home noticed that one of his patience loved to knit.  When he began bringing her small balls of yarn, she began looking forward to their interviews rather than resisting his intrusion.  By adapting to her settling rituals, she was able to focus more quickly, making the time spent together more productive.

Slow Down

They may be thinking back years ago and taking time to get a clear picture before sharing more. Sometimes there may be cognitive challenges that make it hard to find the words needed to convey the message.  Learn to go with the flow and accept topics as they emerge.  Pauses and quiet moments will occur- resist the urge to fill the space.  Allow it to unfold.

Reflect

Listen for themes and patterns.  What is being emphasized?  Summarize the lesson or moral significance.  Share observations; ask questions that prompt further review.

Don’t Fix

Strong emotions may surface. Please work against the urge to “fix” anything or offer platitudes. It’s important not to whitewash the past. Instead, listen with compassion, remembering that this is part of the work they must do to find some kind of peace.  

Be Present and Intentional

This is the time when you are giving them a gift; to be seen and heard, something that may be less common as their world shrinks and they feel invisible. You might be that loving presence they are hungry for. Whenever possible, keep in mind the important work they are doing. With a deep breath, practice curiosity, gentleness, and caring.  As often as possible, be without an agenda.  What elders most likely want from you is for you simply to be with them. Ultimately, this is the best gift you can give.

The holidays are on the horizon so there is no better time to practice the strategies listed above. Best of all, the very work you are doing to be part of the conversation will enrich conversations you have will all the people in your life. Here’s hoping that you have moments of genuine connection and enriching perspectives.

Here is a beautiful story that highlights exactly what I’m talking about, provided by a client without a source included:

GRANDMA’S  HANDS

Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench.. She didn’t move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. 

When I sat down beside her she didn’t acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. ‘Yes, I’m fine, thank you for asking,’ she said in a clear voice strong…. 

‘I didn’t mean to disturb you, grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK,’ I explained to her. 

‘Have you ever looked at your hands,’ she asked. ‘I mean really looked at your hands?’ 

I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making. 

Grandma smiled and related this story: 

‘Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years.  These hands, though wrinkled shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. ‘They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child, my mother taught me to fold them in prayer.  They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war.’They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent.  They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when  I buried my parents and  spouse. ‘They have held my children and grandchildren, my beloved pets, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn’t understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. These hands are the mark of where I’ve been and the ruggedness of life. But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of God.’ 

I will never look at my hands the same again. But I remember God reached out and took my grandma’s hands and led her home. When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and husband I think of grandma. I know she has been stroked and caressed and held by the hands of God.