When you are in the midst of something painful, it is hard to believe that anything else positive exists. The struggle seems to impact everything- energy, attitudes, opportunities, and even hope. Like spoiling food in the fridge, we can’t sense the vitality- everything is unpleasant until the source of the problem is eliminated.
Here is where an aspect of reality can bring great comfort: your struggle will change. Even when we wish things to stay the same, it is not possible. “Don’t ever change”, “Happily ever after” or “I’m turning twenty nine for the fifteenth time!” We age, we grow, we learn, and we gain new perspective. From the smallest cell to large life transitions- our situation shifts all the time. I witness this all the time when I talk to people who are upset. For example, Jack starts talking about his mother’s death and the penetrating, suffocating sadness he feels every day. As he begins to share his pain, he recalls small interactions that he had taken for granted. In the retelling, he shares tenderness, humor, frustration, and joy. It took just a few moments before Jack’s experience reflected the complexity of his relationship and the joy of his rich emotional life.
I have come to see life much like a mountain stream. One moment it may be clear and cool, while seconds later it is clouded with mud. It may wind lazily in some areas, but when compressed into a small space, becomes rough and unruly. Water is a great source of wisdom for how we can approach life. The water does not lament about what it used to be or should be, nor does it remain steadfast because that is how it has always been done. If a branch falls into the water, it finds a way around the obstacle. If the riverbed is disrupted, the water adapts to the new conditions. All the while the stream flows and makes its mark on the landscape.
Like the flexibility of water, the key is to discern how we need to change when struggle arises. There will be factors within our capacity to influence and ways we work with what we have rather than attempt to move against the current. Other elements offer opportunities to gain new skills or learn qualities that build character. For example, suffering might require:
- Insight: what life lessons might this situation offer me that can create a whole new understanding about me and my life?
- Restraint: to truly have choice, we must have more options than just impulsive reactivity.
- Use: the time to find that strength comes through collaboration rather than what we can do alone.
- Endurance: the true teacher of patience and learning to accept how little we actually control
- Avoidance: those moments when the best thing to do is walk away.
There is no path that will not have difficult challenges to face. Like joys, these will come and go, because your path drives you ever forward. But in the end, all these elements are only temporary but become part of what shapes who you are and what kind of legacy you can leave behind. Thank you, dear friend who recently told me, “If you’re going through hell, keep moving!”