Rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. (Romans 5:3-4)
If you are in the middle of a struggle as you read these words, don’t be surprised if you have a sudden urge to throw your computer across the room. When pain is the strongest, these words seem callous, even ridiculous. “I have enough @*$%# character!” In no way is this article an attempt to minimize your pain. Instead, it is a reminder that we are wonderfully, scruffily, beautifully complex human beings who have the capacity to use misfortune as an opportunity.
First, let’s clarify that there are times when avoidance works. Certainly, avoiding biting people or playing dodge ball in traffic are valuable, wise decisions that will serve us well in life. There are also people who are so toxic that they steal away good will and self-esteem. In these situations, avoid! Stay clear, stay safe, and ultimately stay sane.
Other times, life brings struggles that are not by choice but are simply part of existence. “It is impossible to live without experiencing some kind of suffering. We have to endure physical suffering like sickness, injury, tiredness, old age and eventually death and we have to endure psychological suffering like loneliness, frustrations, fear, embarrassment, disappointment, anger, etc.” (http://www.buddhanet.net/ans16.htm) In these times, it’s about endurance. Like the Joseph Campbell’s hero, these trials create the skills and experience that are required for the next leg of the journey.
Our task then is to choose what that endurance will look like and turn it into proverbial lemonade:
Facing reality prevents confusion. There is an exciting moment in therapy when a denied part of experience is brought to light and a person has sudden understanding of certain behaviors, thoughts, patterns, or triggers that had previously seemed upsetting and even bizarre. The relief is palatable. “I’m not crazy- there’s been a reason all along!”
We gain skills. As the opening quote highlights, it is through struggles that we learn patience, explore new perspectives, and learn from others who have traveled a similar path. Years ago, I worked with a woman in her seventies. As we sat together, I could not help but notice that she seemed developmentally “young”. Through her view of the world, ways of problem solving, and the underlying thinking patterns, she was the emotional age of a teenager. I soon learned that she had been an alcoholic since her mid-teens. It was the first of many examples I encountered where avoidance caused emotional stagnation. In the case of this woman, she had lost over fifty years of emotional growth due to alcohol!
Vitality is preserved because pain is expressed rather than stored in the mind and body, where it would otherwise become a burdensome energy leach.
We learn what we are capable of managing and where growth is needed. If willing to ask for help, we learn, and through practice, gain mastery.
Peace can be found amidst the storm. I had an amazing compliment the other day. I was talking about a struggle that has been over a year in the making. My friend remarked, “I can’t believe that you are not seeking revenge or full of anger. Instead, you seem so calm!” I smiled, knowing that she was appreciating the benefits that came from discipline I created for myself (as reflected in this article series) and the life lessons I attained.
We deal with what is rather than what we imagine it will be. Often, our fear of what could be is worse than the issue itself. The tendency to catastrophize the outcomes means that we are living in extremes and forget all the points along the way that will provide new resource, options, and guides to help. Deal with what is real, not the worst case scenario the brain wants to have played out over and over until we are paralyzed with fear.
New connections develop. If willing to share, we often meet people along the journey who have had their own pains. Through sharing these struggles, connection is possible on profound levels, a true gift of honesty and vulnerability. The bonding that happens in these moments creates lasting impressions, whether the closeness is just through the crisis but remembered years later, or a rare gift that turns into enduring friendship.
A mentor once told me, “I wouldn’t wish this (struggle) on anyone, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.” Although we often do not get to choose our path, we have incredible potential to become deeper, wiser, and more capable because of it. I wish you the clarity to find what your suffering is inviting you to learn, the ability to see and appreciate guides along the way, and the discipline to find a new kind of peace that will enrich your life in many ways.