We seem to be obsessed with happiness. I’m not talking about that profound state of contentment that years of meditating in a cave might provide. I’m talking about a strongly held belief that life should be comfortable and enjoyable. When someone with depression enters my office, a stated goal is “to become happy.” It is then my job to inform that this is something I cannot ever promise, nor would hope to offer. I do not want someone to be happy when a loved one dies, nor do I want them to be happy and relaxed when danger is nearby. Our emotions are loaded with information, letting us know what is important and what we need to pay attention to. If the expectation is that only one emotion is acceptable, the person is left less equipped and one dimensional.
What does this fixation do? Nietzsche said it best, “False expectations create resentful people. Grateful people emerge in a world rightly defined, where even the darkness is no surprise, but is in fact opportunity.” To expect happiness means that we will feel persecuted when reality seeps in and burst the bubble. I would also add that the struggle will be amplified because there will be no coping strategies or skills to rely upon. There is no way to prepare for something that you do not accept exists. Therefore, this ensnared person will not only be hurt and angry that the world is difficult; s/he will have no resources to get through it.
Sadly, such a perspective also creates walls. People who respond to “How are you?” with, “Perfect!” or “It’s all good!” leave their audience with nothing to hold on to. Life is too complex for anything to be easy. Companions know on some level, there is a lack of honesty. Vulnerability has also been avoided so the friend will have nothing that s/he can relate to, and therefore nothing that can be shared. Instead, the interaction will be superficial and empty. A friend of mine recently shared her loving invitation to such a statement, “When you are ready to deal with life’s imperfections, I’m here.”
Questions to consider:
- What have I been taught about distressing emotions that makes it hard to give myself permission to feel them?
- What is needed for it to be safe enough to experience what I have ignored or minimized? (Ex: support, skills, openness versus judgment)
- What are the benefits of clinging to happiness? What are the drawbacks?
- What might the unpleasant emotions help me learn or understand? How can I use this information wisely?