I cannot think of a better tale than the Ugly Duckling http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/UglDuc.shtml to show how our basic sense of goodness can be derailed by shame and rejection. In the story, a simple mishap of a baby swan inaccurately labeled a duckling becomes life-threatening. In just moments of being introduced, the farm animals become physically assaultive and begin a daily ritual of vomiting ridicule. They are so certain of their right to judge him that they never ever consider any positives he might have to offer. Moreover, they are shockingly ignorant of their own ugliness, displayed in their behavior. Sadly, humans are no better. Through inflexible expectations, failed dreams, old wounds or agendas, there are breathtaking ways to justify cruelty. Like the duckling, we can spend years, even a lifetime trying to shed the impact of these hurtful experiences. It is only when we stop and face this head on that we have the potential to discover the truth hidden beneath the scars: each of us is valuable and part of our human family.
To begin, we must understand shame and how it can be healthy or worthless garbage. According to John Bradshaw1, healthy shame reminds us that we are limited and imperfect. We don’t get to have whatever we want, whenever we want it. Instead, we are social beings that must be sensitive to the needs of the group. Without this reminder, we become nothing more than obnoxious, entitled brats. I am grateful for the physical and emotional discomfort I experience when I’m blowing it. Just like physical pain warns of a wound, this distress indicates I’m out of line and jeopardizing relationships. Even better, the message paves the way for invaluable attributes to grow like patience, distress tolerance, gratitude, and altruism.
Unfortunately, I have yet to meet a human being who is not recovering from some form of toxic shame. The injury occurs when someone does not address an issue but rather attacks the person’s character and core sense of self. Whether due to misunderstanding, ignorance, or intentional meanness, our precious treasure of self-esteem is chipped away or blown apart. Sometimes these messages have no value and simply make us self-conscious. Other times, the accusations are generalizations and far from the original point. Think of the number of arguments that start with a simple topic and escalate to horrific proclamations. “If you keep eating like that, you’re never going to get a boyfriend.” “I wish I never had you kids.” “Stop being such a baby.” Sound familiar?
Everyone needs a sense of shame, but no one needs to feel ashamed. –Frederick Nietzsche
Now it is time to face long held beliefs that prevent you from enjoying a sense of worth:
- Write down all the messages you have come to accept as true about yourself.
- Do an initial test- what would it be like to describe a person you deeply loved in such a way? Does this feel like the description is an asset, or does it make you uncomfortable to even consider? If it is the latter, you have already identified one of your toxic culprits.
- Who is the author of this thought? In our innocence, it is very common to believe that others speak the truth and are free of biases/preferences, etc. Therefore, we must consider the validity of the source. Is this person trustworthy? Was this an accurate reflection or a distortion? Why would this person make such a statement? Was the person calm or agitated/defensive? Was this a unique interaction or a pattern? What does this belief suggest about the author?
- Explore the merit of the belief. Does this foster potential for growth and learning? Does it help you embody the qualities you value? Does it ignite or diminish courage and risk-taking? Does it encourage connection or create walls? Is this belief something worth keeping?
- Consider what has been minimized and what has been emphasized. What aspects of you were judged/devalued? In what ways did you compromise yourself to belong?
- Evaluate the impact. How was this helpful at the time? Does it still have some value? What patterns have emerged to sustain this belief? In what ways might the minimized parts of you be important or valuable?
- What would you like to believe about yourself? Repeat #4 to ensure this is a healthy replacement for the poison. How would this enhance your life? Is it realistic? Does it inspire you or bring hope? How might this help you be the best “you” possible?
- To change something so deeply engrained, the new belief must be regularly practiced. What habits need to be addressed to develop the new sense of self? What will ensure these practices will be maintained? What checks and balances can you put into place that will keep you moving forward rather than reverting to what has been so familiar? What needs to change in your environment so your growth is supported rather than thwarted?
These are not easy questions. For this exercise to be productive, it will take time, focus, and a willingness to look within. Please be aware that this might bring up some powerful feelings- for low self esteem is usually the outcome of old hurts. I encourage you to seek support through this process, including hugs, a kind ear, and gentleness. Meanwhile, you have already begun to take a stand. Through the very act of exploring, it shows that some part of you knows you are worth fighting for!
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1Bradshaw, J. (2003). Healing the Shame That Binds You. (Rev. ed.). Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.