Assertively asking for what you need is the number one way you can become empowered and connected in a relationship. There is no more guessing and no more complaining. Instead, the focus is on getting needs met with honesty and respect.
But there is more to assertiveness than just having a voice. That voice must be delivered at a time and in a way it is palatable for the other person. If you come in with guns pulled and emotions high, you will be shut out in seconds. Remember, this is someone with emotions, self-esteem, and needs as well. If you take time to consider what will help them be receptive, you have a higher likelihood of being heard.
Timing
We are not always ready to “talk”. Numerous factors can impact the moment, making it less than ideal. For example, sometimes we’re tired because of the demands of the day and we just need a few minutes to settle in. There may be distractions, ranging from children needing attention to time for a favorite television show. Sometimes there are other ears around, all too interested in what is going on. Then there are times when emotions are too high or the incident too raw, so it is difficult to respond in a mature manner.
Keep this in mind when considering your approach. Wait for the person to settle in, rather than starting something just as the person walks in the door. Check to be sure there are no interruptions and take care to ensure there is privacy so no one has to lose face to order to address the situation. Most importantly, don’t strike when the iron is hot!
Approach
Expectations are signaled within 30 seconds of the interaction and are capable of producing strong self-fulfilling prophecies. Kindness can go along way in setting the tone for cooperation while disrespect sets the stage for fighting.
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Attacks, threats, put downs, guilt trips, and judgments are ways to eliminate respect from the interaction. Refuse to make the other person an enemy. Instead, focus on the fact that this is someone you care about and want to make positive changes.
Listen
People are more willing to listen if they feel listened to. Drawn the person out by asking questions. Show interest in what they have to say through body language and direct eye contact. Refuse to interrupt. Work hard to summarize and reflect what you’ve heard so they know you get it.
In order to have the greatest positive influence over the goal and the conversation, never place being heard over being conscientious. Before opening your mouth, ensure the environment is ripe for a thoughtful discussion. Then do your best to treat the other person in a way you would like to be treated. By remembering your audience, you enhance the other person’s willingness to work with rather than defend against you.