I recently came across an article about forgiveness and found myself a bit curious about some of the statements. Since it is tempting to believe anything that has the term, “according to scientists”, I thought I would utilize my critical thinking to ensure the accuracy of what is being said. So, if you are up for some good old-fashioned point-counterpoint, here are some reactions to the article found here: http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/03/17-things-we-know-about-forgiveness.html. I do not address all 17 points; just a few that seemed provocative or important.
- The scientific literature on forgiveness only dates back to 1989, amazingly. I have not yet been able to find research prior to this date. If this is true, it is puzzling how science could have overlooked such a potent part of socialization when screwing up is as old as human beings have existed. Could studies have been done under the guise of synonyms like reconciliation, clemency, compassion, mercy, and repentance? Almost every major religion deals with this topic in various ways, noting how it not only creates more peace in the world, but also prevents internal turmoil and separation from the divine. Perhaps it is not found in a scientific journal, but it is certainly found in manuscripts dating back thousands of years.
3. Humans are less likely to forgive public figures than loved ones. There is a reason. Forgiveness requires an understanding of the context that led to the behavior, a heart-felt statement of the offense and its impact, and an implemented plan to avoid it in the future. With public figures, two of the three components are absent. In addition, we know there is a public and private face. We have all learned to be wary of apologies when there are potential gains or agendas that challenge sincerity.
13. Sometimes forgiveness can backfire. The authors mention they saw more aggression in marriages where one person is more forgiving. This is supported by the writings of Townsend and Cloud, where they state that people continue to make bad choices when they don’t experience the discomfort of consequences. If forgiveness is given too soon, the discomfort is removed and the pattern remains. In addition, if the offender is wise, s/he will stop when s/he see the impacts the behavior had on others. However, if s/he is impulsive, self-absorbed, or apathetic, forgiveness will simply cause the offender to see the forgiver as an easy target.
15. The perfect model of forgiveness is a 20-step process. If there is a perfect model, don’t you think religions and philosophies of the world would be shouting this from the highest mountain? I read about the approach mentioned and while it has many solid facets, it is also limited. The reality is that forgiveness will remain out of reach as long as a person remains obsessed with their right to be upset. Instead, they have to be willing to let go, employing patience, compassion, and the obliteration of beliefs that are nothing but myths (ex: struggling can be avoided; I should always be treated with respect; this situation is an assault on my identity; justice is real). After years of looking, I have been delighted to find some guidelines in Buddhist literature that teach people how to do this very important, life changing work. There are visualizations to practice daily, meditations, and profoundly challenging concepts that once applied, have noticeable changes in reactivity and gentleness. Not only do these impact the issue, they promote resiliency for the ups and downs of life. If you’re interested in learning more, these are two of my favorite sources:
Dalai Lama’s Healing Anger: The Power of Patience From A Buddhist Perspective.
Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart.
16. Generally speaking, religious people are more forgiving than nonreligious people. The author cited one study, hardly enough information to make such a pronouncement. We sadly have countless examples of religious people acting with judgement and hatred, whether protesting same sex weddings, making strange correlations like Mike Huckabee stating the president should ignore the courts in favor of his religions assertions, or inciting wars over religious differences. The next article will move away from the focus on religiousness and instead highlight the core characteristics that either make people more willing to injure or least likely to forgive. Meanwhile, an easy but provocative read talks about how people’s view of God directly impacts they way they treat others. The book is, “Good Goats: Healing Our Image of God.” http://www.amazon.com/Good-Goats-Healing-Our-Image/dp/0809134632/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1432610002&sr=8-1&keywords=Good+goats
While the article is basically a string of observations or summaries of random studies, I hope it does not cause us to lose sight of the value forgiveness can be. Forgiveness means we stop trying to punish or seek revenge. As an unknown author stated, “Not forgiving someone is like drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die.” Instead, it is noble work that allows us to find life again after being hurt. We can have light hearts while retaining the lessons learned, ensuring accountability for the offender, and determining if it is worth trying again or walking away from the relationship.
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1 Coud, H., & Townsend, J. (1995) Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
2http://www.rawstory.com/2015/05/mike-huckabee-next-president-must-obey-supreme-being-instead-of-supreme-court-on-gay-marriage