Thank you to all who listened to the show Friday, hoping to hear about bullying in step-families.Here is a link that allows you to listen at your leisure: http://itunes.apple.com/podcast/stepwisdom/id485508440 . Some ideas that you can look forward to hearing:
- Bullying is a euphemism for behavior that is hurtful and frightening. We need to recognize that it is really harassment, defamation, abuse, or cruelty so we do not risk minimizing how this feels and the need to wisely respond.
- Although we often talk about this as a phenomenon with children, it is a dynamic that can happen anywhere and at any age. It is particularly difficult when it occurs in the home because that is supposed to be the base that provides the security and love that allows kids to take risks and explore. When the base is unsafe, the world becomes much harder to endure.
- The Cinderella story has numerous examples of bullying in a step family. To name a few: basing family rules and discipline along blood lines, not including the step-child in the family decision making or activities, and criticizing or drawing attention to issues in front of other family members so the child loses “face” along with having problems pointed out. With her own children, the mother figure is so fixated on who she wants her daughters to be, she does help them be successful based on their own skill sets. Instead, she forces them into roles where they are destined to fail.
- One of the greatest tools we have as adults is to model safe expression of feelings, collaboration, value of each person, and respect. With each interaction, we teach children that relationships can be mutual and loving rather than based on power.
- One area that we hope can change is the treatment of people who are in blended families. There is a bias out there that somehow they are less capable or less healthy than families that have not had divorce. If the family has difficulties, problems can be blamed for being “step” and then left unaddressed, children can feel like they are destined to fail in future relationships because they come from a “broken home”, and families can feel second class. How can we as a society appreciate that families can be healthy and happy in many forms?
I look forward to hearing questions and comments to the information discussed. Together we can help create resilient kids and families through preventative measures. When bullying does occur, face it head on and help targets and bullies alike so they both get the help they need to have successful and satisfying relationships.