Being able to speak your mind and addressing concerns with others is vital for a relationship to remain healthy and progressive. It also does wonders for self-esteem because there is an ability to meet needs, fostering a sense of empowerment. However, successful resolution takes skill, planning, and finesse. This month we will cover attitude preparation because it involves some of the work to be done before you reach out.
Identify Assumptions
It can be tempting to assume our interpretation of an event is an accurate representation of reality rather than a slant. If we don’t use a discerning eye, we may be missing or dismissing important information. Self-examination may result in a new viewpoint, a different emotional response, or a wider range of choices. To do this, first consider the following questions:
* What emotions are coming up for me? This question encourages labeling, a key ingredient to emotional intelligence. By identifying the various experiences, there is a way to categorize what is happening and therefore increase understanding. Without fear of the unknown equilibrium can be restored.
* What thoughts are present? Emotions are evoked by thoughts. (Ex: If someone believes s/he is stupid, what feelings might this promote?) Taking time to identify the internal messages allows connections to be made. You will be more equipped to cease hurtful self-talk, challenge unrealistic expectations/reactions, or gain clarity about what lies at the heart of the issue.
* What factors am I focusing on that support this perspective? There is a natural human tendency to find evidence that supports our viewpoint. Anything that lies outside of our perspective is usually dismissed as an anomaly or as irrelevant. Sometimes, however, there is plenty of evidence to support another position. History gives us dramatic example of the dangers of remaining certain: Galileo had a reputation as a brilliant scientist, but he was forced to spend the later part of his life under house arrest. He was punished because no one wanted to hear that the sun, rather than the earth, was the center of the solar system.
* Is it possible that I am associating the present to any old wounds? If there are unresolved issues from the past, parallels in the present can result in additional or amplified emotions. For instance, a client once told me that she would shut down when talking to her husband. She had not experienced abusive reactions from him before, but she was still fearful of any unfavorable responses. She had been taught, through repeated encounters with her father, that conflict meant degradation.
Alternative Views
Next, consider the other person’s vantage point. To do this, you must go against the tendency to see difference as threatening, as if it suggests that you are growing apart or aren’t compatible. Difference is what helps us grow. Someone once said, “If you both always agree, then one of you isn’t necessary.” With new information, it may change your initial impression or add a layer of complexity which had previously been unnoticed.
Consider, for example, two people watching the same movie. One is drawn to the editing, lighting, and camera angles, appreciating the art behind the scenes. Another gets lost in the story and character development, experiencing an array of emotional experiences afforded by entering into another world. Talking afterwards, if the individuals see the other’s point of view as equally valid, they may appreciate the film in a new way.
There is an additional benefit to this exercise. Usually the other person will respond much more favorably if you come across as open rather than righteous. In the latter case, people fight to be heard or they will deem the situation as hopeless and emotionally check out. If you remain open, you may find that the conversation is more relaxed and information forthcoming. Questions to consider:
* The other person will also believe in the validity of their position. What does s/he see that I don’t?
* What might be the reasons/values behind this perspective?
* What responsibility do I have in this situation?
* How does this impact my position?
With all of these questions, you should have as much clarity as you can without further input.
At the same time, you will be demonstrating an openness and consideration for the other person. Together, these elements will maximize the potential for cooperation and a positive outcome. !