A client recently shared an article that highlighted another hardship people have to deal with in times of difficult- stupid platitudes. (see below) I’m sure we have all been there, where someone tries to give “comfort” with some statement that is supposed to put a silver lining around pain. While I the person believes that they are being helpful, it is actually the furthest thing from the truth. The other person usually ends up feeling dismissed and is doing all they can to not throw something.
And for good reason. These “pearls of wisdom” usually come from an objective, removed position where there is no connection to the pain or vulnerability. Instead, it is shared like a sage who sees with complete objectivity and clarity the way the universe works. The pain is treated as temporary distress that will wane once the person sees the bigger picture. These are examples I have heard first hand:
- The mother, whose baby who died days after birth- “You’re young- you can always have another child.”
- The accident victim- “You should be grateful you’re alive.”
- The woman who had a miscarriage- “This is nature’s way of clearing out babies with severe defects.
Another problem is that the statement is superficial, simplistic, and sometimes just absurd. This is particularly true when God is used in the statement. For example, I was sitting with someone recovering from an accident that occurred just moments before and a man told her, “The angels were watching out for you today.” As we saw medics rush to put two other people onto stretchers and load them into the ambulance, the survivor said, “Why weren’t the angels protecting them?” The man had no answer.
For those wondering what is helpful, let’s start with a key principle- that some pain cannot be fixed. It can only be endured. A body altered by disease, an accident, a death, a betrayal- no matter the pain, we are forever changed by these experiences. When we stop trying to pretend that there is a way out, there can be a huge sense of relief that there is nothing we can (or should) do. Instead, it is time for a different but very precious set of skills- just being.
There is a short list to embrace. First, sit in the shit with them. Let their feelings have room to be expressed, whether through tears, anger, or a shrinking collapse. Hand out tissues, get fluffy socks, see the truth in their perspective, and validate. I can’t say more about the value of being heard. A person does not have to measure their words- s/he gets to pour them out, knowing that you are strong enough to handle what s/he is willing to share what’s overflowing on the inside.
Next, do all you can to understand what people experience in a specific situation. So many people begin to project their experience with pain onto others, then become concerned when the process does not follow their imposed blueprint. However, others in similar situations can and do give insight into what is a normal course, especially the contextual elements that make all the difference in the world. For example, imagine how these situations might differ:
- Death: natural versus suicide
- Job ending: retiring or fired
- Divorce: where two people grow apart or where one partner fears for his/her safety
Finally, realize that healing takes time and most people will get tired of the heavy demands of ongoing recovery. As others drop off, ill-equipped for the marathon, if you are able, gather your patience and if possible, stay the course. Pain is already isolating- choosing to hang in there is an unmeasurable gift to your heartbroken loved one that will have long reaching impacts you can’t even imagine. One client said to me, “If it weren’t for her, I know I would not have made it.”
There are very few times in our lives when we will be called to be our best selves- this is one of them. We will be tested, tempted to take the easy road of verbal pats on the head that feel nothing more than patronizing. But if we can choose to be more- more understanding, more patient, and as self-less as possible, we become a light that leads those we love through the darkness.
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***If you are needing a little lightness at the end of this, consider watching a quick clip from the people at the Onion, who have their own way of addressing this issue: http://www.theonion.com/video/report-leading-cause-of-death-in-us-is-god-needing-35522