When the moment arises to speak up, disappointing another person can be especially tough to get through if we are not in a grounded place. Emotional and mental messiness is fertile ground for anxiety. Images of consequences, rifts, and failure come to the surface, just when we need to have our wits about us. We then talk in circles. We talk too fast and too much. We may even talk ourselves out of the boundary before the other person has said a word. It is possible to manage discomfort when disappointing someone and keep your sanity in the process. The key is intention, strategy, and lots of practice. Each of these steps are part of the foundation that builds resiliency.
Step 1: Prepare
- Be clear about what you need and determine the words that best convey it.
- For times the topic is particularly sensitive, talk it through with someone you trust. They might identify blind spots, edit statements that are unnecessarily provocative, and quiet worry with words of encouragement. **They are also invaluable to talk to after-the-fact, helping you debrief and recenter after you’ve taken such a courageous step.
- Identify a mantra that reminds you of why this boundary is important. It needs to be short and sweet so it can be played over and over in your mind. For example, when it came to setting a boundary with my daughter, I knew it was my job to teach her limits. That meant staying calm and kind while also being firm, no matter her response. My mantra was, “Be strong for her.”
- Consider the different responses you may receive, especially the ones that make you the most nervous. Identity the best response to stay on track.
Step 2: Set the Stage
- Don’t forget to center your body! Tune into where you feel physically strongest. I find that doing a few slow squats beforehand can be invaluable because I literally feel the strength I have when my muscles push up from the floor. It can also be helpful to identify a stance/posture that helps you feel substantial. When sitting with your spine straight, head up, and shoulders squared, you send a message of power without having to say a word.
- Use the environment to self-soothe or create space. For example, sit at a table so there is something between you and your audience. Use props- have a cup of tea or a glass of water that will give you something to focus on or pause.
Step 3: Give a Strong Delivery
- Stick to the main topic. It is common to talk a lot but communicate less when you’re nervous. Stay focused. Avoid tangents. Be precise.
- Continually check in with yourself to make sure you feel as grounded as possible. Breathe.
- Use “partial attention”, shifting between a benign activity and the conversation, allowing you to manage the amount of exposure to discomfort. This might include something as subtle as deep breaths, or something more overt like cooking while you talk.
- Repeatedly use your mantra when you feel your resolve slipping or anxiety increasing. Breathe.
- Unless there is an emergency, you can take your time. Allow yourself to pace.
- Did I mention “breathe”?
- You can always take a break, whether for a few minutes or for a day or two. Make sure your let your intention be known. Clarify that you need time to regroup or to consider what has been discussed thus far. Set a time you can both agree on to revisit the conversation.
Step 4: Relief and Recovery
- Pat yourself on the back for taking the risk and doing the best you could to speak up, no matter the outcome.
- Talk to someone separate from the situation who can help you process what happened and offer encouragement and reassurance.
- Find a way to release all the energy required to take this brave step.
- Think back on what occurred and consider tweaks that would help you continue to grow more confident and capable.
Remember, it is o.k. if implementing this strategy takes time. Go slowly and steadily, building courage and competence along the way. Start with manageable situations or patient people who are open to what you have to say. Once you have that foundation of skills underneath you, then start taking manageable risks.
With patience and persistence, you can learn to tolerate disappointing others. The capacity to cope means having the capacity to speak. Here’s to a future where you can say the hard things, disappoint people when you need to, and by so doing, enjoy the fruits of respectful, balanced relationships!
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. -Nelson Mandela