Jane is furious that a friend, Lisa, did not respond when she called. “I never reach out after 9 p.m. so if I do, it’s urgent!” No voicemail message was left. Jane concluded that if Lisa did not pick up or notice an attempted call and get back to her right away, Lisa was not the kind of friend she wanted in her life. Meanwhile, miles away, Lisa is clueless that an entire friendship has just been flushed down the drain. Imagine what it will be like when Lisa casually reaches out to chat and finds Jane surly and demanding an apology.
Disappointments get more complicated when someone wants others to be responsible for their well-being. On the surface, it may seem like a simple request for support, but there are flags that the expectation is much greater. In Jane’s case, her reaction gives her away. She has not fully acknowledged to herself that she has a mental job description requiring friends to agree to an unending on-call shift. Any failure to show up in these moments is more than a disappointment; it is deemed a full-on betrayal. There is no consideration of anything other than Jane’s own distress. Maybe there were obligations requiring Lisa’s attention. Maybe Lisa never heard the phone. Maybe Lisa was running on fumes and turned her phone off for an uninterrupted night of self-care! There are all kinds of reasons why people are unable to meet every need, even when it is urgent.
The Hand-Off
We have all had times we want to vent, sharing our distress in the hopes getting out what would otherwise eat away at us. In these cases, the other person serves as a witness, to be curious, listen, and stay centered during the emotional storm. However, it is not uncommon for “venting” to really be a hand-off, “Here. You deal with it.”
Watch out for the times someone wants to talk to you without doing any emotional work on their own. They are looking to you for answers. They don’t know what they need, what options are available or considered potential biases or assumptions. This is the equivalent of going to a writing tutor and describing the assignment, then handing over a folder full of scribbled notes and incomplete ideas. If there is true ownership, they’ll have done processing on their own. They come to you for a second opinion or because they are at an impasse. Anything more than that is a request for you to put in the effort while they enjoy the bounty.
Tips to avoid this lose-lose situation:
- Refrain from giving advice whenever possible.
- Avoid always have something to say. Allow for silence, for only then will the person look for answers within.
- Determine if they are unable to meet the challenge or do not want to. Avoid doing for others what they can do for themselves.
- Life is messy sometimes. When you are tempted to rush in and fix things, just breathe.
- Be a supportive spectator rather than an active participant.
- Engage in behaviors that support your boundaries.
- Let go of their choices. It is their life, and they are the ones who live with the outcome.
- Be sure that the person who has the problem is the one doing the work.
- Help as little as possible. Provide support only to the degree it allows the person to regain balance.
Rest assured, refusing to cooperate and risking disappointing the other is a loving act. Always turning to others means that they do not get to make choices. They remain in a passive stance, waiting to be rescued. They do not learn how to grapple with different needs and beliefs, figuring out what really matters to them. They miss out on the chance to develop resiliency that only comes from falling flat on their faces. Hopefully, if you stay out of the way and give them room, they can develop tools and abilities that will serve them for years to come.