Speaking up for ourselves can bring up significant distress. Many articles on the subject conclude that the discomfort is really about insecurity. For example, Sicinski states, “The fear of rejection is an irrational fear that has you convinced that people won’t accept or approve of you due to your opinions, looks, personality, values, beliefs or behavior.”[1] There is no question that anxieties can become debilitating. They feel so real that we conclude the environment is dangerous. Whether or not our hesitancy reflects reality can be hard to tell.
However, I struggle with his adjective “irrational.” This implies that the fear of disappointing someone, particularly the potential of being judged or rejected, is without reason. If we take the time to dig deeper, we will find that the fear has context. For example, if every time I cried, I was called a name, I’d quickly learn not only will my need for support go unmet, but I will also feel worse than I did before I reached out. If I’ve been rejected by a group because I did or said something they did not approve of, I’ve been shown that my thoughts or feelings can lead to rejection. The “irrational” fear is really dread that the past will repeat itself.
This fear is not always about the past coloring the present; it may also be an intuitive warning about the situation at hand. Risking disappointing someone may threaten the connection to the other person or sometimes, the entire relationship. Does the following sound familiar?
- Interactions become tense. This is especially common when the other person feels wronged. The discomfort may be brief, or it might endure.
- Someone “goes dark” through the silent treatment or ghosting.
- Interactions may also take on a superficial quality.
- Defensive maneuvers like lashing out, name calling, or weaponizing vulnerabilities develop.
- Power struggles ensue to maintain the status quo. This may include constant boundary pushing or recruiting other people for additional pressure.
- Guilt is used to undermine confidence, based on the myths that a relationship should always be comfortable and needs met no matter how unreasonable. Here are some examples clients have been told: “I guess we are not as close as we used to be.” “How could you do this to me? I’m doing my best and all you do is complain.” “A real friend would show up and be there. Your obvious not a real friend or someone I could ever count on.” Ouch.
- The relationship ends.
Fact: there are very real risks when we disappoint someone. It is important, therefore, to identify the deeper reason for the fear and determine what is at stake. Determine what can be mitigated, what can be tolerated, and the costs/benefits. Be sure to have a support system that can counter defensive reactions and cheerlead when resolve wanes. Ensure you have enough skills to manage the discomfort that naturally occurs when disappointment surfaces. It may be necessary to brace for loss, whether it means saying goodbye to the ease of the connection for a while or in some cases, the entire relationship. Finally, have a strategy to deal with whatever may come during the conversation and what follows. I once heard a quote, “Failure to plan is planning to fail.”
To face disappointing someone is an act of courage. While I promote openness and honesty, it can be easier said than done. Consider your context, determine benefits and risks, and listen to your intuition. Whatever direction makes sense, you can rest assured that you have made the best choice available to you.
1 https://blog.iqmatrix.com/fear-of-rejection
Youtube videos that offer mantras:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGgN2-6b3xg– Mantras
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAjBtPqVOSY– Answering Questions
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4jzzDYLgro- this video not only highlights the detriments of constant focus on what others think, it highlights some noteworthy people and how they have tried to desensitize or conquer this tendency