Disappointment is the grief we feel when reality falls far short from what we had hoped. It is a mixture of anger (not o.k.!), and sadness (loss) that naturally occurs when dreams fall flat, things change, accidents happen, or situations are beyond our control. Sometimes these moments are minor, like a friend not being available when you wanted to have a spontaneous date. These usually result in a sigh and some resignation. Then there are louder disappointments like learning the person you are dating is no longer interested in you, or a major part of your support system is moving away. No matter how hard we try, we are destined to experience disappointments throughout our lifetime.
People, especially the ones we love the most, will regularly disappoint us. Their needs, motivations, demands, and limitations will often not match our own, and that can be hard to swallow. For example, when my daughter, Avery, was crawling faster than I could drive, I both adored and would become exhausted by her curiosity. She wanted to be held, read to, rocked, and played with. Then she would become grumpy, push me away, and pull out all the books on the shelves for the eighth time in the last hour. Constant vigilance was required to make sure she did not crawl out of the crib (again!) or torment the cat (again!). After hours on end, I’d need a break. I’d head off to the only place I could have solace, the bathroom. As I sat on the edge of the tub, trying to center myself, the screaming would start. Between sobs I could hear her confusion and hurt. “Where did you go? Why didn’t you take me with you? I know you’re in there! Why won’t you let me in?” Soon, little fingers were poking under the door, literally searching for me. Despite her pleas, I spoke only once, “I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Until I was ready, the door remained shut.
Avery and I were both in the middle of being painfully disappointed. For her, she was shocked that unlike the womb, her need would not always be met. She was fine when the amount of closeness or the activities we did were on her terms; she did not like it when I did not go along with her plans. There were limits. I would not always be there, nor would I always be warm and fuzzy. Sometimes I could be annoyed, angry, or dare I say, a big brat.
Meanwhile, I had nothing left. Where was the nanny who would allow me to disappear to a lovely spa? Why did I have to be the scullery maid who had to be available whenever called? I lamented, “My patience has limits! Her needs are endless! Make this stop!” I had fantasies that loving my daughter meant being there for her, being liked and liking her, and us both full of smiles. The truth being revealed is love expressed through self-care, setting limits, and realistic expectations is painful. I wanted to be seen as the sweet, loving mom. For now, I had to cope with looking more like a mean ogre.
The first step in our quest is to identify and sit with the beliefs about disappointment that make it seem somehow pathological and something that should be avoided, no matter how much we must sacrifice along the way. Disappointment will happen; it just will. Even if we hold back what we need in relationships to try to prevent it, life is not so accommodating. Better to accept this reality and learn to face the hurt so we develop the tools to cope and build resiliency for when it inevitably comes.
Here are a few questions to consider:
- What have I been taught about disappointment and by whom?
- What has experience taught me about disappointment?
- What are my beliefs now? How does that impact how I show up in relationships?
- What patterns emerge when I’m disappointed? How about when the other person is disappointed in me?
- What are my core fears about disappointment?
- If I could go back in time and talk to myself at age seven, what message(s) would I tell myself?
Next step: we’ll be exploring what factors prevent people from being willing or able to risk disappointing others.
