Years ago, I read a book by Gavin DeBecker titled “The Gift of Fear” and felt like I was given a metaphoric punch in the gut, highlighting a major blind spot. He made the radical claim that pushing children to hug people sends a harmful message. In a nutshell, this insistence tells kids (especially girls) that meeting someone else’s needs is more important than their boundaries, their comfort, or their right to determine who gets to touch them. There was a haunting question, “Is it more important to be polite or safe?” This was a concept I had never considered and from that day on, I vowed to parent with this in mind.
I’ll never forget the day this was tested in full display. My little toddler was bustling around in a pretty party dress like a bumble bee in a field of flowers. It was a family gathering, full of people she knew and some who were less familiar. My grandmother (the latter) was sitting at the far end of the living room and had an understandable moment of wanting to enjoy some of that cuteness. She smiled, clapped her hands, and told my kiddo to come give her a hug. You could tell that grandma expected that her arms would soon be full of a little girl but instead, my daughter ran and hid behind my legs. Grandma, said louder and with more authority, “Come here!” The little toddler only pulled away more.
My heart hurt for both parties. I knew that grandma was coming from a place of love and couldn’t understand why there would be any hesitation. There was also a deeper belief that if someone wants a hug, it is to be given. To do otherwise would be rude. For my daughter, it had been too long since we had all been together. Her young mind did not yet hold memory of people over stretches of time. This older lady was not quite a stranger but certainty not someone to cuddle with. The insistence for sudden closeness only came across as increasingly scary. What a hard impasse!
There was a brief exchange:
Me: “Let’s give her a little bit of time to get reacquainted. If she gets comfortable enough, she may love a hug.”
Grandma, in a light tone: “No, I’m the grandmother and she needs to come give me a hug.”
Me: “Well, I’m the mother and no, she doesn’t.”
I genuinely believe that my conviction kept me steady. When every ounce of me felt guilty for hurting grandma’s feelings, I had to keep telling myself, “It’s more important to be safe than polite! It’s more important to be safe than polite!” No more was said in that moment because I picked up my daughter and went into another room. The hope was to end the debate and move past this awkward standoff (and possibly throw up).
I am happy to report that over time, many hugs were shared and happy memories were created between granddaughter and grandmother. It was a deeply loving act when grandma came to respect these boundaries, even though they were unfamiliar and hard. I hope that, in subtle ways, grandma got to experience the difference between a hug given out of obligation and one given freely.
If you find yourself intrigued and want to know more about the reasons and spirit behind this stance, there is a great article from Dr. Bronwen Carroll that was just posted in Psychology Today: Doctor’s Orders: Your Kids Don’t Have to Hug Anyone. I encourage anyone and everyone to read it. Armed with new perspective, we see this social norm is adult entitlement, plain and simple. Let’s give the gift of honoring children’s boundaries, their natural pacing in relationships, and the right to self-determine. And let it be a gift that keeps on giving!
Happy holidays!!