It is a common phenomenon in times of stress or struggle to turn our priorities upside down and alienate ourselves from the very things that can sustain us. We then operate out of deficiency rather than from a place of fullness and plenty. We will see the impacts of this all around: people yelling at each other over a parking place, cross, harsh faces complaining about why a toy is not on the shelves, children told to hurry up at the store because the schedule is tight. With all our stress and frustration, the idea of holiday cheer seems out of reach and the reminder, “It’ll all be over soon” is the one thought that seems to help us survive.
ACTION PLAN
Let’s resist falling into this trap. Let’s determine what is important, what experiences or efforts fit with that idea, and then create a plan so it can be a reality.
Time Management
Determine your priorities. We live in a culture that suggests that more is better. In reality, more is usually just more- more stress, more work, more responsibility. Have each member of your immediate family make a list that focuses on how they want to spend their time and what reflects the values you want to have. As a group, decide what is really important and what elements can be let go or turned into “plan B”. (Ex: singing carols, being with family, baking, writing a letter to Santa, building a snowman)
Create a schedule that reflects your priorities. If you want time to bake cookies, mark it down. If you want some time to ice skate, block it off. If a party feels more like an obligation than a treat, don’t be afraid to turn down the invitation. Be proactive about your schedule, and ensure there is time for fun. In the end, you may still be worn out, but it will be more like a roller coaster ride than a car crash.
Remember to keep some room for flexibility. During a storm, trees bend with the pressure of the wind, while staying firmly rooted to the ground. It is important to have some structure but also some wiggle room. Sometimes new information arises that we had not foreseen and it necessitate new options. Go with rather than fight against the unpredictable.
Handling Your Own Internal Critic
Liberate yourself from expectations. The reality of expectations is that when you set the bar high, anything that falls beneath that line will not be appreciated, including your own efforts. Replace your expectations with experiences. Find ways to make the best out of the circumstances you are given. Instead of fixating on results, be present for what unfolds. The memories will come even if they are not in a perfect package.
The following are ways to help:
- Continue with what you have already started today- identify what those expectations are.
- Focus on your own happiness. It is not your job to ensure that other people are enjoying themselves.
- See each day as an adventure.
- Find a partner who can support and help you in times of struggle.
- Expect that people will still behave as they usually do, ESPECIALLY because it is the holidays.
- Keep in mind that we all have our hurts and wounds. Keep compassion at the forefront. Examples: if Uncle Jo shows up drunk, realize he is probably trying to numb out from some kind of pain. If Aunt Gladys is critical again, know she may have been modeled this kind of behavior or is so unhappy she cannot appreciate the beauty around her.
- We all blow it at some time or another. Remember, tomorrow is another day.
Handling Difficult Relationships
Acknowledge your triggers and pre-determine ways to take care of yourself. This is a time of triggers. We were born with a certain number of painful experiences and relationships because we live with a bunch of human beings who are limited in different ways. If you take a step back and think about what upsetting feelings emerge around this time of year, you can go in with an action plan.
- Use your space wisely- who you sit next to, having objects between you and someone short tempered, an exit route, etc.
- Use your time wisely- there are all kinds of ways to create space. If you need a break, consider reasons you could leave the area (wash face, take a one-person tour, take the dog for a walk, etc.) Should your ability to manage feel short lived, consider what time to arrive and leave. You may even schedule something else to help support your decision.
- Use your friends wisely- talk to some people ahead of time and let them know your needs (ex: someone self-conscious about weight can ask that no comments be made about appearance)
- Identify ways you can stay grounded and neutral. Retain the choice whether or not to engage. Remember that you do not have to tolerate being treated in a disrespectful way.
If I were to boil down the greatest assets you have at your fingertips, it is the ability to plan. Those small, seemingly innocuous requests or expectations can add up and lead to feeling out of control. Remain conscious of the larger picture. Keep your values and options in front of you, reminding you that you always retain power over your life.