“Forgiveness is a sort of divine absurdity which includes a willing relinquishment of certain rights. This is really a costly sacrifice of something of one’s self and an act of love-giving where there is no logical reason or any guarantee. It is a recognition that one must live with the consequences of the sin.” – Walter Wangerin, Jr.
This is a time of year when the word “forgiveness” is generously used. When suggested, it is often joined with the idea of starting over. “Can’t you just put the past behind you?” Oh, to dream the hope of erasing- as if forgiveness will allow someone the chance to return to the person s/he was before there was an injury. But can one just decide to stop hurting? To simply choose to start fresh would mean ignoring what was witnessed, denying any emotional distress and walking away from an opportunity to learn what this might mean and what one needs to feel ok again. Such a dream is really denial. Forgiveness is an act that requires acknowledging what has happened and facing it head on. Only through this hard work will the rewards of release and closure come to pass.
Now, there is a point of decision- choosing when to work toward this goal. Just like any kind of recovery, success is dependent upon willingness. It cannot be forced, demanded or coerced- especially not from the person who caused the hurt. Instead, it is a profound moment when one truly embraces his/her personal power to determine what kind of impact life will have.
The opening quote highlights how counter intuitive it first feels to work towards forgiveness. However, there are many potential rewards. First, there is no longer a need to function in the world from a defensive posture. With a physical injury, there is commonly a change in behavior to protect from further harm. Limping lightens the load for one part of the body while forcing the rest of the body to compensate with added stress. Certain activities might be avoided to prevent any movement that might compromise healing as well.
People protect themselves from further emotional pain in similar ways. Some seek more control in relationships in exchange for predictability. Some shut off vulnerable experiences to avoid the risk of exposure, limiting the ability to connect. There may also be a desire to choose isolation over relating at all, allotting life to a spectator sport. When the emotional pain is honored, respected and healed, these reactions are not necessary. Instead, it is possible to face the world wiser, scarred, but with fortitude.
Another benefit is being more than a victim. True, a distressing situation happened and had real impact. At the same time, a person is more than any one (sometimes repeated) experience. History, character, beliefs, choices and interests are larger than this. Can they be influenced by the past? Absolutely! But that is part of the gift of forgiveness; when the experience can be examined in context, it is easier to distinguish what provides wisdom and what is reactive. “Keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.” (Dinah Maria Mulock Craik) The experience becomes one facet of a complex life rather than the defining feature.
Finally, there is a release from a relationship with the offender. Forgiveness is only between the person hurting and God. No matter what path the wrongdoer chooses, the injured is not bound to the outcome. Some believe that ceasing contact will provide this release but that is just a physical end, not necessarily the stop to the emotional investment. People have wasted years yearning for the other to own up to the deed or waiting for justice to be served.
The reality is that there are so many factors that can get in the way of repentance, justice, etc. For example, there are people who have no desire to take responsibility. They see no personal benefit. Other people may not believe they have done anything wrong (a “he said, she said” situation). And then there are people who feel they are justified because of something that had been done to them at a prior time. A vicious circle! As for justice, if it is anything it is unpredictable. There are so many times when wrong doings go unnoticed. Justice is never something that can be counted upon. Even so, in those times when something is acknowledged and penance mandated, it does not fix everything. The injury still happened and there was suffering. No matter what, there is healing work to do.
Having reviewed what forgiveness is, it is important to also highlight experiences that are closely related, yet clearly separate:
Trust– this is really about the ability to predict an outcome. Whether positive or negative, there are people you can trust to behave in certain ways. For example, there are people who cannot maintain confidences, others who always arrive late or those who can be depended upon in a time of need. In a relationship, this term is often used in connection with safety. This kind of trust allows vulnerability to exist and therefore, a depth of relationship. Listening without judgment, honoring privacy, respecting boundaries and acting with kindness are a few of the ways this kind of trust is built.
When someone you have trusted has acted in hurtful ways, trust must be rebuilt, not magically bestowed. To expose vulnerability when there have been no real attempts at repentance is to volunteer for more hurt. At the same time, be aware of the tendency to generalize, turning a specific experience into a statement about the world. It can be very confusing to others when they feel they have to jump through hoops to prove themselves when they have done nothing wrong.
Reconciliation– where forgiveness only takes one person, reconciliation involves both parties. Through the act of confessing, accepting consequences and working on atonement, the other person shows a commitment to repairing the relationship. All of these behaviors show that there is consensus that the behavior was not o.k., requires intervention and needs to be prevented in the future. When this occurs, it opens up the possibility for the relationship to continue and sometimes it may even deepen.
Forgiveness is that unique act when a person chooses to love himself/herself enough to move towards letting go. By validating the experience, determining the impact and listening to emerging needs, one refuses to be conquered by the past. Life happens in a very imperfect world and the work of forgiveness turns these challenges into opportunities for self-awareness, wisdom and emotional freedom.
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References
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1995) Boundaries. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Craik, D. M. (1969). Friendship. In R. L. Woods (Ed.), Friendship (p. 4). Norwalk, CN: C.R. Gibson Company.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/reconciliation
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trust_(social_sciences)