During hard times, there are tempting mindsets that can easily overtake us. If you doubt it, you can peek at social media or the news cycles and you’ll find people vehemently professing fury, all is lost, or desperation. While likely said with the best of intentions, they yield toxic fruit. This never helps people gain perspective or find a place for meaningful action, instead, people are left frantic, indignant, or infected with a sense of impending doom. To avoid getting sucked in, it is important to know what to avoid so there is room for a different path.
I believe Dr. Stephen Karmpan captures the “what not to do” beautifully in his model called, The Drama Triangle. He highlights three ways of engaging with the world and in relationships that lead to an endless loop of pain and tension. These positions contain beliefs of rigid certainty and the corresponding behaviors only strengthen that projection. Here are the players:
VICTIMS
Please note- this is not someone who has suffered a trauma. I am speaking to a specific mindset that only leaves a person taking on a disempowered identity. The victim views the world as hostile, believing others are against them or have failed them in some way. They don’t see choices nor acknowledge responsibility for their situation, often saying, “Yeah but…” or “It’s not my fault.” They struggle to solve problems and rarely recognize self-defeating behaviors. Key traits include feeling defensive, passive, and hopeless. There is a tendency to focus on problems and scarcity, then perseverate, feel helplessly defeated, and recruit others to support their defeated view.
Questions to ask yourself: What is a fact and what is a perspective? (The former is stable; the latter can be changed) How am I choosing to see the world? Are there expectations I am carrying that lead to constant disappointment? What stories am I telling myself?
RESCUERS
The rescuer aims to solve others’ problems, often neglecting their own. They feel needed and essential for others’ survival, which can lead to feeling pressured, depleted, responsible, overworked, resentful, and exhausted. When others don’t change or do what is expected, they may try evoke guilt or obligation in the other person, “After all I’ve done” or “Why are you doing this to me?” Despite good intentions, rescuers may hinder others from taking personal responsibility and self-advocacy (helping the victims stay in the one-down position). In their attempts of resolution, they often trigger power struggles or provoke defensive reactions.
Questions to ask yourself: Am I feeling responsible, guilty, overwhelmed, or resentful? What are these emotions telling me? What am I taking on that is not mine? How might I be seeing the other person as incapable? How might I be tempted to try to fix the situation (if it is not mine)? What do I believe will happen if it doesn’t go my way? What need is behind my temptation to take over?
PERSECUTORS
This person criticizes the enabling behaviors of the rescuer and blames the victim. Individuals in this role often believe they are correct and know best. There is a common attitude of entitlement that they are owed something. When others fail to live up to their expectations, they see themselves as victims. To others, they may appear to be controlling and overbearing. Typical behaviors include pointing out faults, assigning blame, and acting as accountability enforcers. Red flags include bullying, hostility, treating others poorly, seeking retribution, and self-righteousness.
Cautionary questions: What personal beliefs and judgments are active right now? Am I focusing solely on what others have done and minimized any part I’ve played, no matter how small? If I am making a statement about the other person, could this apply to me? Do I want to punish or seek revenge? Any chance I’m feeling smug when others face hardships that are part of their choices? Am I erecting barriers between myself and others? Is my heart becoming hardened?
If you identify with any of these roles, you are not alone. This tendency is so prevalent that throughout history, esteemed thinkers have cautioned against it. While it may be quite compelling, they are not inevitable. Just remember that these positions are not beneficial to you; they only result in increased upset, anxiety, and hostility.
The subsequent articles will present an alternative approach, aiming to help you achieve a sense of balance, mental clarity, and enhanced responsiveness.
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. -Viktor Frankl