My poor husband was struggling to keep his cool. For weeks his workload had been relentless, sprinting to meetings and pulled like a marionette in numerous directions. Just looking at him, I knew that those tired eyes and frantic movements meant that it was just a matter of time before he quit everything and ran off to the circus. Out of concern and worry, I finally asked, “What can be done to help you with your stress level?” His eyes registered instant hurt and anger. “I’m doing the best I can! I’m not going to quit my job and I certainly don’t need this on top of everything else!”
What on earth just happened? I had initially thought that I was about to get an award for the wonderful supportive wife of the week. I wanted him to feel loved; I wanted him to see that I got how hard he was trying, and wanted to help. Yet none of that registered. In the conversation that followed, we were able to figure out where we went wrong- my words were a little too close to the language his boss had used, “Well, what are you going to do to get that project done?” He also was struggling with a little guilt, knowing that no matter how hard he tried, he knew his struggle was having an impact on our little family. Had we not been able to talk it through, this filter would have remained. He would have felt criticized and unsupported and I would have been resistive to offering support in the future because it seemed that my efforts only frustrated him.
As the example highlights, emotional reactions are incredibly important because they provide valuable information. They give us hints about the situation using intuition and observation. They also connect us to those things that have built our character, like our beliefs and values, our sense of dignity and respect, as well as those experiences that have shaped are lives. Yet our reactions and emotions are only part of the picture. By nature they tend to be rapid assessments of the situation, based on the facts that are deemed the most relevant and self-protective. That means that some details will go unnoticed and there is little time to consider alternative perspectives. Do we recognize this potential for inaccuracy or misunderstandings? Rarely. The reason is because our reactions are incredibly persuasive.
The ability to influence is largely impacted by three variables: trustworthiness, familiarity, and the ability to evoke emotions. Our internal dialogue has all three elements going for it. For example, research has shown that people tend to trust information when it appears to come from an experienced source. The “who” of reporting adds legitimacy. When it comes to ourselves, we trust our own judgment because there is neither an underlying agenda to fear, nor concern that our best interest is not under consideration. Familiarity is the comfort that develops with exposure. Our reactions, as stated earlier, are often based on our well-developed beliefs and experiences that become part of our character. What could possibly be more familiar than ourselves? As for evoking emotions, these internal messages tend to prey on our vulnerabilities and need to self-protecting, activating the potent feelings of fear, anger and hurt. The combination of these three elements is an view that seems like an absolute, truthful account of the situation, rather than a potentially fallible, definitely slanted perspective.
Emotions are as practiced at persuading as any lawyer or advertiser, and simply being aware of this provides an advantage. Wariness develops, sensing there is more to the story. Instead of defensive certainty, one remains curious, open and ultimately more approachable. The end result is less time spent suffering, snapping, and perhaps apologizing, and more time spent understanding and enjoying one another.
I am happy to report that I was able to step back and realize that my own catastrophic thinking was off base and I needed to gain more perspective. With this change of focus, I became less reactive and more interested in what was going on. His frustration immediately told me that what I was saying and what my husband was hearing were two different things. I chose to try again, emphasizing my desire to support him during this tough time and address this out of concern. Helping him hear my intention, his defenses dropped, and we were both in a better place to work together.