It’s time to get back to strategies for engaging in tough conversations. Using the basic principles of deep canvasing, the previous article focused on step 1, becoming curious about ourselves and our motivations to engage. This time, the focus is on the approach, working towards a respectful exchange. The tone for the conversation will be set in just three seconds. Three seconds! Therefore, it’s imperative to be careful because we will either open up dialogue or shut the conversation down.
- This is about exploring ideas and experiences. Keep the topic away from someone’s character so there is no need for defensiveness.
- Remove the goal to win because it means someone has to lose. In the podcast the Hidden Brain, they highlighted research that showed it is less painful to be in denial than think you are right and be proven wrong. Recognize that examining beliefs is uncomfortable and must be addressed with care.
- Move away from seeing the other as an adversary. A huge hint that you need to check yourself is when you utter the words, “Yeah, but….” We need to be open to the fact that they might have something to teach us. The following quote, although binary, highlights the importance of being clear on your position without the danger of certainty: “Talk like your right; listen like you’re wrong.”
- Consider the qualities that are inviting: tone, word choice, body language, and facial expressions. Starting off with a smile and a request to talk(rather than an expectation or command) goes a long way.
- Ask clarifying versus leading questions. The former is a request for additional information to further understanding. The latter has an underlying agenda that pushes someone into a specific answer. Leading questions commonly have conjecture and assumptions embedded within them and rightly evoke suspicion. Choosing the former may sound straightforward and easy to implement. In reality, most of us sneak in our viewpoints without even knowing it.
- It is tempting to see the other person as “less than”. Less educated. Less compassionate. Less informed, etc. This lens is the very foundation behind a sense of superiority. Deliberately look for the person’s humanity and the context that informs their views.
I’m going to share a story I read that shows exactly what not to do. Maybe it is an “if you can’t be a good example, then be a warning to others.” Frankly, I just love the message and it fits perfectly with what we are talking about.
The Dinner Conversation
We were all sitting around the dinner table discussing life and the man across from me decided to show his brains. He says the problem with teachers is “What’s a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?” He reminds the other dinner guests that it’s true what they say about teachers: Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach. “I mean, you’re a teacher, Taylor,” he says. “Be honest. What do you make?” And I wish he hadn’t done that (asked me to be honest) because, you see, I have a policy about honesty: if you ask for it, I have to let you have it.
You want to know what I make? I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I can make a C+ feel like a congressional Medal of Honor, and an A- feel like a slap in the face. How dare you waste my time with anything less than your very best!
I make parents tremble in fear when I call home: I hope I haven’t called at a bad time, I just wanted to talk to you about something Billy said today. Billy said, “Leave the kid alone. I still cry sometimes, don’t you?” And it was the noblest act of courage I have ever seen.
I make parents see their children for who they are and what they can be. You want to know what I make? I make kids wonder; I make them question. I make them criticize. I make them apologize and mean it. I make them write. I make them read, read, read. I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful over and over and over again until they will never misspell either one of those words again. I make them show all their work in math. And hide it on their final drafts in English. I make them understand that if you have brains then you follow your heart and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you pay them NO attention.
Let me break it down for you, so you know what I say is true: I make a difference in the lives of hundreds of children. Now what about you? What do you make?