I’m outside working in my yard and a neighbor, not known for being friendly, walked up and asked about a yard sign I had out. I was excited to have a chance to engage in a thoughtful discussion but quickly realized this interaction was going to be anything but that. When I gave my answer about the sign, the immediate response was, “But God said….” He had not heard a word I said. I tried to find common ground but no luck. My neighbor had no interest. Instead, he went into a series of Bible quotes and anecdotal experiences that were not even relevant to the topic. Ahhhh- this was about recruitment, not understanding. This was about him proselytizing to me. To no surprise, the conversation fell flat. However, not all was lost. I’m pleased to say that my neighbor now waves when our paths cross.
This underscored a desperate need to find ways to engage in conversations where we can chew on topics together, and “disagreeing without being disagreeable,” (an anonymous quote I found on the internet). Believe me, I am as tempted to avoid these interactions as the next person- they can be uncomfortable, there is potential for escalation, and require a lot of energy. For some reason, my family and friends keep telling me I can’t lock myself indoors, stay in pjs, and binge Netflix specials. They do have a point (don’t tell them that). Avoidance causes critical thinking skills to atrophy. It prevents us from only seeking what is comfortable and we miss out on exploring ideas that challenge us and help us grow. Most importantly, avoiding these conversations has bigger implications. We are seeing the ripple effect certain beliefs and their corresponding voting behaviors have on our daily lives. If we look at Supreme Court decisions such as the reversal of Roe v Wade, upcoming decisions about affirmative action and transgender rights, we cannot afford to pretend all is well. It’s time to engage.
Searching for strategies for civil engagement, I’ve found a ten-step process that has been shown to be a highly effective way to create helpful dialogue and the potential for change. Developed through exhaustive research by a LGBTQ+ organization, “Deep Canvasing” gives us guidance on how to have hard conversations emphasizing respect. I’ve tweaked things slightly, but the essence of the approach remains intact. Hopefully this outline will not only help us talk about uncomfortable topics during election season but can also help us during holiday dinners, offering an alternative to throwing mashed potatoes at our family members.
Deep Canvasing
First: Look Within
Before engaging with others, explore what makes this topic worth discussing. This gives us a chance to have a fuller understanding of ourselves and our position. It promotes awareness about how we think, moving away from superficial talking points and into deeper reflection. In the process, needs and values come to the surface as do life experiences that inform our views. Critically thinking through problems such as confirmation bias or “my-side” bias may also be exposed. This ensures we start from a place of strength and clarity. Consider these questions:
- What do I believe?
- What personal experiences inform my perspective?
- How does this belief align with how I see myself?
- What sources am I using to support my views?
- Why do I trust each of the sources I just listed?
- What parts are facts versus feelings and opinions?
- What needs are being expressed in my views?
- What are the qualities I attribute to those who share my views?
- What are the qualities I attribute to those who disagree with me?
- To what degree can I offer a coherent argument that represents the opposite of my perspective?
- Why is discussing this important to me?
This process is both humbling and enlightening. For example, what if I have not thought things through as much as I had hoped? What if I only had a piece of information taken out of context? Now that I know the bigger picture, it completely changes the information’s meaning. This important exercise will clear away incomplete ideas, faulty reasoning, and unhelpful strategies. Instead, you will be grounded in personal understanding and have practiced the very process we will go through when it’s time to engage with another person.
