Kristen was beside herself. She wanted to get to work on time today but had her hopes dashed when her daughter kept hitting the snooze button and missed the buss. Kristen now was rushing to so she could make time to drop her daughter off at school. Next, her shoulders fell when she saw her mother’s number registering on the caller id. In spite of letting her mother know that she was dashing out the door, it took ten minutes before she hung up the phone. As she slammed down breakfast while speeding to her destination, she gave a heavy sigh and wondered why she could never reach her own goals.
Kristen needs a hug and then some encouragement to find some good, healthy boundaries. Instead of feeling like the captain of her own ship, she feels like a victim of circumstance. She is frantic now, but over time this
chaotic pattern will lead to hopelessness, resentment, and lowered self-esteem. If, however, she develops clear
and strong boundaries, she can start feeling in control and find it possible to meet the goals she wants to attain.
Why are boundaries the cure?
Boundaries are those wonderful limits in life that clarify the rules of engagement, defining what behaviors are helpful and what behaviors lead to problems. Kristen, for example, is accommodating her daughter’s behaviors, even those that don’t work for her. As long as Kristen is willing to go along, her daughter has no motivation to change. She still gets to school on time, has an added bonus of a personal chauffer, and gets to sleep in. With the right kind of boundaries, Kristen would focus on what she needs to help the day run smoothly, and let her daughter face the outcomes of her own decisions.
Boundaries are also protective. They help us defend against efforts to use up the treasures needed for mental health and happiness. Treasures include stability, time, money, emotional well-being, and the freedom to make choices. As one person is responsible for taking care of his/her own needs; others have the right to do the same. For example, if Kristen implemented boundaries, she would have more control over her schedule, her routine, and the general way she starts her day.
Common Misunderstandings
When encouraging people to implement boundaries, I commonly hear resistance out of fear that changes will be perceived as punishment. This is a misunderstanding about the core intention behind healthy boundaries. Boundaries are about self-care and personal responsibility, as well as how to get along in the world. Punishment is about the other person; specifically getting back at someone for acting in a way that was
hurtful or unwanted. With healthy boundaries, each person has the right to make choices but they must also own the consequences. As mentioned earlier, if boundaries are in place, Kristen and her daughter can decide what kind of morning each will have. If the daughter sleeps in and is younger, Kristen can send her off on the bus in her pajamas and experience standing out. If she wakes up on time, she gets to go to the bus with an outfit she likes. If she is older, the consequences change to fit the level of development. The daughter gets to figure out how to get to school and face the consequences of being tardy. If she gets up when her alarm goes off the first time, her ride is already in place and she gets to class on time. Kristen does not need to punish- she just needs to get out of the way so her daughter can face life without being rescued. There are times when discipline might be necessary, based on the relationship (ex: boss-supervisee, parent-child, or teacher-student). Even then, the desire to “get back” is inappropriate. Discipline means “to make stronger”, so the
consequence is intended to help the person learn how to be more successful in the future, rather than creating shame as some form of retribution.
Boundaries are easier to adjust to if they are done with an attitude of mutual respect and kindness rather than in a loud, demanding way. Keep in mind the old saying, “You attract bees better with honey than vinegar.” Using a calm, unapologetic approach, you can help the other person see that you are working towards a resentment-free relationship where both people can be unique and still work together.
7 Guidelines For Healthy Boundaries
- Natural Consequences are the guide.
- Be consistent. If people doubt you mean what you say, they will constantly test. If you give in, you invite people to ignore your boundaries.
- Each person has responsibility for himself/herself. We are to show compassion towards others but not take ownership for them. Sticking to our own responsibilities is enough work!
- Be active. Rather than sitting back, waiting for others to predict your needs, claim the power to shape and influence the next moment of your life. Ask questions, learn, make amends, ask for help, and seek truth.
- Mutuality- boundaries are about mutual respect. One person is neither better nor less than.
- Transparency- boundaries cannot be honored and respected if they are not clear. Use good communication and minimize the chances of assumptions or misunderstandings.
- Have a large enough support system. Sometimes setting boundaries is a rocky road. Adequate
support means that there are enough relationships with positive feelings and good will to sustain you when an area of life becomes challenging.