For most of us, one interaction can take us from a pleasant mood to seeing red. We know something is wrong and the need to address feels urgent. However, we rarely realize that if we act in the moment we are “hot”, we will lead a charge that could leave us embarrassed, confused, or regret. Don’t get me wrong, anger is an incredibly empowering, informative experience. It has allowed people to overcome fears and ask for what they need, confront a bully, or stand against injustice. However, it is imperative that we know the difference between wise action and reactivity. If this is not clear, it gets….. messy.
One of the reasons we must be cautious is because distress significantly impacts how we think and perceive a situation. The impassioned state compromises our ability to think clearly and overpowers the access to rational, reasonable perspectives. We are prone to greater risks of becoming hostile and out for revenge instead of seeking understanding and repair. There are also numerous distortions that we may not even realize. Needless to say, we are not at our best and must work to use it wisely.
Using a scale of 0 to 10, we can see the compromised perception at work. Do any of these sound familiar?
0- All is well. Enjoy some peace and contentment.
1- Something seems “off” but it is vague or a low priority. We are able to be curious and determine if it is something that deserves addressing.
2- Whatever is upsetting to us comes into focus and the corresponding feelings like anger, fear,
3- The situation is a priority. If we are mindful, we will look at the factors contributing to our distress, determine who is involved, and seek to understand the underlying needs and any agendas that might be at play.
4- There is a growing sense of urgency. Muscles become slightly tense, our facial expressions intensify, and effort is required to determine the best course of action. We are angry, and the energy we hold will signify to others to pay attention.
________________________ Shift into fight or flight _____________________________________
5- We begin to be afflicted with emotional reasoning, the assumptions that emotions reflect the way things really are. Ex: I feel betrayed therefore I have been betrayed. Anything that does not fit with the belief
6- Certain executive functions begin to waiver. Other viewpoints become harder to hear as our position
7- The world takes on a quality of absolutes or black and white. A sense of righteous indignation starts to set in and the need to consider other viewpoints,
8- As the amount of contextual information is filtered out, options for action shrink. Our memory starts to fail. Facts become distorted or highly colored with our narrative. Labels set in that determine the other’s entire worth like “You’re a “liar/idiot/narcissist”! This creates the dangerous potential of dehumanizing someone and making it easier to treat them with hostility.
9- Everything taking place is a gross injustice. Interactions evoke defensiveness and counterattacks. Outcomes look permanent. We interrupt, make gross assumptions, and feel like the other is out to get us. We often resort to war-like strategies such as capitalizing on vulnerabilities, using words as
10- It feels out of control and hostility is overpowering. Responses are impulse driven without consideration about the consequences. It is not uncommon for actions to contradict values.
There is a common myth that anger is one letter short of danger. Anger in and of itself is not bad- it is an emotion that provides invaluable information that deserves to be heard. It is the permission we give ourselves to act from a compromised state and a justified thirst for vengeance that leads to destructiveness.
To ensure that you are in a state where you are most capable of being thoughtful and centered, create a personalized version of the scale mentioned above. Review it regularly so when you are upset, you have an idea of where you fall on the 0-10 scale. If you are over a four, it is not the time to address what is bothering you. Anything you come up with will be riddled with distortions. Instead, find ways to expel the strong energy (go for a run, scream in your car, journal between jumping jacks). Once the level on the scale has gone below a five, you are in a better mental position to look at the situation and see how to proceed. With a calmer brain, what could have been a hostile collision can now become a conversation.
Resources
www.moodmetric.com/fight-flight-response/
www.synapticpotential.com/neuroscience-in-action/stress-and-memory/
www.harperwest.co/fight-flight-response-affects-emotional-health/
www.apa.org/helpcenter/recognize-anger
Bourne, E. J. (2000). The anxiety and phobia workbook (3rd ed.). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc. a