It is understandable that we want to avoid those things that are uncomfortable or involve risk. Even after being in the field for 25 years, I don’t relish the fact that some feedback I give is painful and hard to hear. It is tempting to try a variety of methods to force a situation away to avoid our own disappointment or disappointment we might evoke in another person. These might include pretending the feelings or event never happened (denial), acting as if the situation is not that big a deal (minimizing), or stuffing the feelings inside. Others might also encourage you with the incredibly unhelpful advice to “get over it and move on”. No matter how badly we want to avoid disappointment, it is important to acknowledge that these tactics lead to sacrifices:
It Compromises Self-respect
In the interest of keeping the peace, there is self-denial. In that denial, needs have no way to get met. Our primary advocate (ourselves) cannot or will not speak up. We may feel safe/comfortable by avoiding conflict, but it also means we have disowned our hearts and abandoned ourselves.
Closeness Shifts to Superficiality
An uncomfortable truth: we are not being honest. When we hold back what is bothering us, we deliberately hide parts of ourselves. This is the opposite of authenticity. Meanwhile, the other person thinks things are fine when they are not. They live in a fantasy of our creation. The amount of intimacy in relationship is directly linked to the amount of real vulnerability. If we cannot fully give of ourselves, there is no foundation for genuine connection.
Stagnation Versus Growth
When we withhold our feelings, we are not doing either person any favors. We are destined to hold onto the pain of unexpressed strife and reinforce the habit of losing our voice. The other person is denied the opportunity to hear honest feedback and develop new ways to engage. Instead, they unknowingly continue behaviors that are hurtful, concerning, destructive or irresponsible. For both parties, patterns are reinforced through silence. No one wins; no one grows.
Our Concerns Ooze
Without direct expression, emotions and needs come out indirectly. Resentment is a common biproduct because conscious or not, we see the situation as unfair. Tremendous energy is expended to keep feelings at bay and still live with the unmet need. Meanwhile, the other person is blissfully ignorant that anything is wrong and enjoys the relationship carefree. That’s when our desire for things to be righted start to poke through. Obvious forms occur when our voices sound terse because we have clamped down our ability to speak freely or our words have a harsh quality, having emerged through gritted teeth. We may even begin to withhold in some way or avoid the person as a form of retaliation. Even though we created this situation through repression, the fault has been firmly placed on the other person because of their ignorance.
The more insidious and often overlooked impact is outlined in Gabor Mate’s book, “The Body Says No.” He states, “Emotional experiences are translated into potentially damaging biological events when human beings are prevented from learning how to express their feelings effectively.” He references a body of research that emphasizes the link between dis/ease and illnesses such as breast cancer, arthritis, diabetes, IBS, and multiple sclerosis. In short, what we do not address will turn in on the body, eroding physical well-being.
No matter how much we wish things would resolve themselves without disappointment and discomfort, it is just not possible. Disappointment is inevitable. If we do not address our concerns and take the risk of discomfort, we are destined to deal with the damaging effects repression causes.
“What is in us must out, otherwise we may explode at the wrong places or become hopelessly hemmed in by frustrations. The great art is to express our vitality through the particular channels and at the particular speed Nature foresaw for us.” -Hans Selye