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Leaving Neverland Part 2: Parental Endangerment
Continuing our 3-part series on HBO’s recent documentary Leaving Neverland (read part 1 here), this reflection deals with the phenomenon of Parental Endangerment. Most people do not realize that allowing their children to be placed in dangerous, unhealthy, or inappropriate situations is a form of abuse constituting a crime. It does not require evidence of physical injury. As the link below states, it is any situation that might “endanger the child’s life, health, welfare, morals, or emotional well-being.” It also does not matter if there was intent or not. “The courts apply a ‘reasonable person’ standard in child endangerment cases.” Whether the accused realized it was dangerous or not, they remain culpable. https://www.criminaldefenselawyer.com/resources/criminal-defense/criminal-offense/child-endangerment.htm.
In the documentary, if you find yourself angry with the parents, you would be well-justified. Both parents describe being swept up in the surreal fairytale that surrounds Michael Jackson. The “star struck” rationale falls apart pretty quickly when you hear the red flags that were ignored and justified away. Some warnings were so blatant that it’s amazing the denial even worked. What happened that caused them to override their instincts that told them behaviors were wrong? Why did they not become forceful when they felt uncomfortable? Why would they allow themselves to be pushed out and increasingly denied access to their child? If there are questions about what criminal endangerment might look like, this story is littered with them.
Wade’s mother, after only knowing Michael for a few hours, allowed her son to stay with him for five days without another family member present. She was distraught while away from him and expressed a sense of desperation when her calls went unanswered. I cannot imagine leaving my seven year old without an adult who could serve as an anchor and protector. It’s even harder to consider letting a man-child be in charge of a juvenile’s well-being! Yet she did not immediately return to get her son; she continued with the rest of her vacation. An interviewer asked why she would allow a grown man to have a little boy have sleepovers in his bed. She explained that Jackson never got a childhood, so he was creating experiences he missed.
Other flags were just as strange. Michael began communicating with the children via fax, sending daily notes that included pet names and “love you” messages. These were never addressed to the families, they were addressed to the boys. Wade’s mother invested so much energy to help foster a relationship between Jackson and her son that she sacrificed the relationships Wade had with his father and brother. Her marriage even fell apart as her husband felt like he had been replaced with their Jackson infatuation.
A final bizarre twist occurred when the abuse allegations surfaced. Both parents questioned their sons about the abuse but did not pursue anything further. The children should have been interviewed by a specialist who knows how to help coax the facts out. It is rare that a child would admit what had happened, partly due to the grooming discussed in the previous article. Supervision should have been constant and all boundaries reviewed to make sure they preserved appropriate child-adult interactions. No matter what answer is given, this is a serious allegation that should NEVER be taken lightly.
Children are trusting, innocent beings who do not have a concept of sex, let alone the implications abuse will have on their lives. It is our job as parents and trusted adults to ensure their childhood is preserved. No matter the strength of the desires and dreams, nor the pressures to compromise, safety must always be a fundamental concern. As the documentary shows, failing to protect our children can result in years of suffering that impacts all areas of the survivor’s lives.
Leaving Neverland- Part I
A recent documentary, Leaving Neverland, has been making headlines depicting the lives of two men (Wade Robson and Jimmy Safechuck) enduring years of sexual abuse inflicted by Michael Jackson and the rippling effect it has in their lives. There are elements of the story that might be hard to relate to, living in the glow of a larger than life celebrity. Private jets, high powered contacts, and Michael’s electrifying charisma, are not experiences most of us have. Nor are there swarms of people paid to protect and provide for the entertainers every whim, no matter the ethical gymnastics it must take to do so. At the same time, there are so many elements of their stories that echo the struggles male survivors have when there has been sexual violation.
Reflection I: Grooming
It is imperative that people recognize “grooming,” so steps can be taken as soon as possible to protect children. Grooming is a process of coercion, manipulation, and an imbalance of power for the purpose of sexual exploitation. A form of brainwashing, the perpetrator presents as positive and attentive, gradually gaining increased access to the child. Usually unsupervised, there is room to introduce ideas and experiences that lead innocent children to believe that sex is a natural progression of a loving relationship. This increases the victim’s comfort with the behavior, making it less likely for the secret to get out. Wade shared that Jackson would give covert signs in public that there was something “special” between them, and then each night, a variety of sex acts would occur as a “normal” part of their routine.
There is a wonderful summary of the gradual process of grooming there, where they identify steps like building trust, reassuring the family, eroding boundaries, creating secrecy, and ensuring compliance. Here are some examples of the trust building grooming process depicted in the film. Michael:
- Pretended to share common interests, backgrounds, experiences, etc. He chose young entertainers and of course, children who liked to play. Imagine what it would be like to have a private amusement park at your disposal.
- Gave gifts as tokens of friendship. Both men described shopping sprees without limits and being given props from Jackson’s videos.
- Played games- Jackson had a trainset…. around his bed!
- Flattered and make the child feel special and somehow indebted. Both men talked about the moment Jackson moved on to a new boy and how they felt crushed by the abandonment.
- Created increasing forms of physical contact. There are countless pictures and videos of Michael holding boys hands, putting his arms around them, and leaning in to speak to his favorite boy like two best friends.
- Introduced pornography to seven year-olds.
These behaviors alone can create a ripple effect of confusion that occurs when someone in a position of trust takes the liberty to use another human being for gratification. If adults in the child’s life can recognize the signs, they can take action early on and hopefully minimize what will be needed to recover. For those who are willing to speak up, we can hope that our culture will increase supervision and accountability. This may be an invaluable contribution to keep other children out of harm’s way.
https://www.usfsa.org/content/Grooming%20behaviors.pdf
https://educateempowerkids.org/8-ways-predator-might-groom-child/ 2 \l
Trauma and Morality
In response to the PTSD article, Pastor Michael Bergman shared another type of painful struggle that may be part of the aftermath:
“There is also “moral injury,” that can be connected with PTSD. Moral injury occurs when “there is a deep seated sense of transgression from violation of moral beliefs.” There are feelings of shame, grief, meaningless and remorse. Moral injury has been studied most in veterans; however, it could occur in civilians as well. A short well written book on moral injury with lots of references is, “Soul Repair; Recovering from Moral Injury after War,” by Rita Nakashima Brock and Gabriella Lettini.”https://www.amazon.com/Soul-Repair-Recovering-Moral-Injury/dp/0807029122
Thank you, Pastor Bergman, for your insights and resources!
Understanding PTSD
PTSD is a term that has become so overused that most people do not know its true meaning. It is usually assumed to describe the aftermath of any traumatic event. In reality, it is a relatively rare phenomenon. PTSD is a descriptor that tries to capture the painful disruption and impacts that extreme trauma can have on an individual’s life. These traumas are severe and disturbing, where there is threatened death, serious injury or sexual violence. Examples include those who have been in combat, endured rape/sexual assault, or first responders. According to the US National Comorbidity Survey Replication done in 2001, in one year 3.5% of participants fit the criteria and the lifetime prevalence among men was 3.6% and women 9.7%.
To receive a diagnosis of PTSD, there are additional factors that highlight the complex coping strategies that emerge in response to the event(s). While there are many symptoms, one dominant pattern is without warning, the individual has to relive the trauma in some way. This includes intrusive memories, flashbacks, or night terrors. Another cluster of symptoms occur because there has been a change in the person’s neurology. Sufferers of PTSD rarely experience a sense of calm. Instead, there is a constant state of being on edge as they wait for danger to occur at any moment. One can be easily startled, have exaggerated responses to a situation because the emotional nerves are so raw, and may even become so overloaded that the body shuts down.
But just because someone is not diagnosed with PTSD does not mean that there are not events in our lives that are traumatic and painful. There are events that are more familiar: abandonment, betrayal, medical traumas, car accidents, harassment, shaming, or humiliation, to name a few. **Please read my article on Big “T” and Little “t” Traumas[ to learn more.
Know that whatever you have gone through, if it is having problematic impacts on your life, it is a signal that there is healing to be done. Perhaps there are ways the past oozes into the present, affecting the way you can relate and connect with other people. Maybe you struggle to access emotions or feel joy because so much is being repressed or shut down. There may even be disconnect between the mind, heart and body. The good news is that there are so many ways to help the pain diminish and overcome the rippling effects. It is not a journey for the faint of heart but with self-compassion, unfaltering support, and intention, do not abandon hope.
Avoiding Reactivity
For most of us, one interaction can take us from a pleasant mood to seeing red. We know something is wrong and the need to address feels urgent. However, we rarely realize that if we act in the moment we are “hot”, we will lead a charge that could leave us embarrassed, confused, or regret. Don’t get me wrong, anger is an incredibly empowering, informative experience. It has allowed people to overcome fears and ask for what they need, confront a bully, or stand against injustice. However, it is imperative that we know the difference between wise action and reactivity. If this is not clear, it gets….. messy.
One of the reasons we must be cautious is because distress significantly impacts how we think and perceive a situation. The impassioned state compromises our ability to think clearly and overpowers the access to rational, reasonable perspectives. We are prone to greater risks of becoming hostile and out for revenge instead of seeking understanding and repair. There are also numerous distortions that we may not even realize. Needless to say, we are not at our best and must work to use it wisely.
Using a scale of 0 to 10, we can see the compromised perception at work. Do any of these sound familiar?
0- All is well. Enjoy some peace and contentment.
1- Something seems “off” but it is vague or a low priority. We are able to be curious and determine if it is something that deserves addressing.
2- Whatever is upsetting to us comes into focus and the corresponding feelings like anger, fear,
3- The situation is a priority. If we are mindful, we will look at the factors contributing to our distress, determine who is involved, and seek to understand the underlying needs and any agendas that might be at play.
4- There is a growing sense of urgency. Muscles become slightly tense, our facial expressions intensify, and effort is required to determine the best course of action. We are angry, and the energy we hold will signify to others to pay attention.
________________________ Shift into fight or flight _____________________________________
5- We begin to be afflicted with emotional reasoning, the assumptions that emotions reflect the way things really are. Ex: I feel betrayed therefore I have been betrayed. Anything that does not fit with the belief
6- Certain executive functions begin to waiver. Other viewpoints become harder to hear as our position
7- The world takes on a quality of absolutes or black and white. A sense of righteous indignation starts to set in and the need to consider other viewpoints,
8- As the amount of contextual information is filtered out, options for action shrink. Our memory starts to fail. Facts become distorted or highly colored with our narrative. Labels set in that determine the other’s entire worth like “You’re a “liar/idiot/narcissist”! This creates the dangerous potential of dehumanizing someone and making it easier to treat them with hostility.
9- Everything taking place is a gross injustice. Interactions evoke defensiveness and counterattacks. Outcomes look permanent. We interrupt, make gross assumptions, and feel like the other is out to get us. We often resort to war-like strategies such as capitalizing on vulnerabilities, using words as
10- It feels out of control and hostility is overpowering. Responses are impulse driven without consideration about the consequences. It is not uncommon for actions to contradict values.
There is a common myth that anger is one letter short of danger. Anger in and of itself is not bad- it is an emotion that provides invaluable information that deserves to be heard. It is the permission we give ourselves to act from a compromised state and a justified thirst for vengeance that leads to destructiveness.
To ensure that you are in a state where you are most capable of being thoughtful and centered, create a personalized version of the scale mentioned above. Review it regularly so when you are upset, you have an idea of where you fall on the 0-10 scale. If you are over a four, it is not the time to address what is bothering you. Anything you come up with will be riddled with distortions. Instead, find ways to expel the strong energy (go for a run, scream in your car, journal between jumping jacks). Once the level on the scale has gone below a five, you are in a better mental position to look at the situation and see how to proceed. With a calmer brain, what could have been a hostile collision can now become a conversation.
Resources
www.moodmetric.com/fight-flight-response/
www.synapticpotential.com/neuroscience-in-action/stress-and-memory/
www.harperwest.co/fight-flight-response-affects-emotional-health/
www.apa.org/helpcenter/recognize-anger
Bourne, E. J. (2000). The anxiety and phobia workbook (3rd ed.). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc. a
Talking About Sex With Teens
I’ve recently learned about a fantastic psychologist and pioneer Karen Rayne, PhD. who has written a much needed book for parents talking about sex education with teenagers (Unhushed). She also started an organization that attempts to help educate adults about what teens need in this regard online and in person! If this could help you or someone you know, please check out this link: http://www.unhushed.org
And To All A Good Night
I will never forget an afternoon I called my mother when I was in graduate school. Through tears and hiccups, I told her that I did not know if I could handle the pressures I was under. I was in my third semester of school with a two month old baby and felt like I was cracking up. After a short time of listening and support, my mother kindly told me (although I would not have admitted it at the time) to take a nap. I was incredulous. “What?!?! I don’t have time to sleep!” Still, I took her advice and when I woke up, I had to admit with humility that my mom knew best. Brilliantly, she knew that my brain was so starved for sleep that I was beyond the capability to be comforted. I was a raw nerve: paranoid, desperate, and convinced something was deeply wrong with me. No amount of bubble baths, essential oils or mediation was going to make it better.
Since that time, I have come to realize that a huge part of well-being is adequate sleep. It is sadly undervalued but incredibly important for resiliency and sanity. You may be aware that sleep helps repair the body like tissues, muscle growth and protein synthesis. An equally important benefit is that it helps with mental functioning like making sense of what we have emotionally experienced and then storing it all into usable memory. If we are not getting enough sleep, we are preventing these vital processes from completing. It does not take long before this begins to have impact in unexpected ways.
Here are a few quick questions to determine if this relates to you?
- Are you often tired during the day or have moments of sudden sleepiness? This may mean that you have significant sleep debt- your body is like an accountant. If it does not get what it needs, it will decrease functioning until the debt is repaid.
- Is your weight stable or are you fighting a gain? Research shows that if you’re overtired, there is less interest in exercising or making the effort to make healthy meals. In addition, Leptin and Serotonin levels decrease, the hormones that helps you feel full. This means that tired people are hungrier, have lower metabolism, and crave high-fat and high-calorie foods. In time, this can lead to obesity and Type II diabetes!
- Does your brain feel a bit fuzzy and decisions-making difficult? Jodi A. Mindell, PhD is a professor of psychology at St. Joseph’s University in Philadelphia and author of Sleep Deprived No More. She states that there are numerous studies that show sleep deprivation “impairs your cognition, your attention, and your decision-making.” There is a substantial decrease in solving logic or math problems, and odd mistakes (like leaving your keys in the fridge) are more common.” (For those of you who know me, I do misplace my keys and phone, but never my child).
- Are you fairly resilient to the common cold or frequently sick, making you want to run from the building screaming when someone sneezes? There are a few studies that have shown that those with sleep deprivation were three times more likely to get sick than those with seven hours or more of sleep per night. Knowing how gross Nyquil tastes, this might be worth it in and of itself!
- Are you at risk for heart disease or hypertension? Growing evidence of research suggests that seven or less hours of sleep greatly increased coronary artery calcification- a predictor of a future heart attack. There can also be elevated risks of hypertension, stroke, an irregular heartbeat, and heart disease. Yikes!
- If you have manic or unipolar depression, do your symptoms appear to be extra strong? This relates directly to the story mentioned at the start. Sleep deprivation looks almost identical to major depression. Hence the recommendation to fix the real problem, not the symptoms. Good sleep sets up the brain for positive feelings, while deprivation has enjoyment of activities reduced and interferes with people’s social lives. They also tend to be more angry or violent. (Dement, p. 274)
- What is your quality of life? How long do you want to live? Three separate studies suggested that sleeping five or fewer hours per night may increase mortality risk by as much as 15 percent.10
Most of us do not associate these struggles with sleep, but they are very real side effects. If you want to follow Spock’s advice of “live long and prosper,” then quality sleep must be included in the plan. Forget about cultural pressures to cut down the hours spent sleeping so you can be more productive. You’ll have more energy, a clearer head, and better health if you are meeting this critical need. How wonderful that a night spent under a cozy blanket means you are working on your mental and physical health. May you have many good nights to enjoy!
Resources
Dement, W. C. (1999). The Promise of Sleep. New York, NY: Dell Publishing. ringTag”)]=”z”,