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Relationships Mean a Thousand Funerals
I came across this poem and it struck a deep chord:
To Love Someone Long-Term Is to Attend a Thousand Funerals of the People They Used to Be
The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer.
The people they don’t recognize inside themselves anymore.
The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into.
We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost.
But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be.
It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honor what emerges along the way.
Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame.
Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness.
Blog: In The Margins
Somewhere I’ve heard it said, “Wherever there is change, there is grief.” Priebe points out that this applies to our sense of identity. When we cling to the notion that personality is stable, discomfort increases as a rift grows between what we think is true (based on the past) and what is true… for now. As fluid bundles of complicated beliefs, developmental needs, life situations, values, and opportunities, everyday can mean change.
It seems appropriate to be sharing this with you during Pride Month, because this community lives with grief all the time. These are common topics clients often share:
- I have new understanding about what makes the most sense for how I see myself. It is different, maybe as recent as a conversation ago, or maybe it’s something I’ve known it for a long time but was not ready to speak aloud. Now that I know, the old “me” no longer fits and whether I wish I could or not, there is no going back.
- What does this mean, really mean to me?
- What experiences will this path bring? Acceptance? Rejection? Oppression? Celebration?
Yet you do not have to be in the LGBTQIA community to realize that funerals are part of life for all of us. These questions still apply if you are dealing with a major life shift like marriage or retirement, a health issue like depression or chronic pain, or even something small that chips away at a longstanding foundation on which a sense of self has been built. My hope is that we learn to accept loss as an inevitable part of life. Let’s avoid assumptions and instead, adopt an attitude of respectful curiosity as we traverse this wild ride we call life.
Great Quote
“Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”
Doyle, G. (2020) Untamed.
Pride Fest is Here!
Be warned. The following writing may seem slightly disjunct because I get so excited this time of year and it is hard to contain. It is a magical time, being amidst a throng of people to celebrate sexuality, sexual orientation, and gender diversity. The liberty of inclusion, where there is no need to defend or explain yourself. At Pride Fest, we get to show up as we are, boldly embracing the richness of human variety.
For those who would like to understand the LGBTQ experience more, the following offers a beautiful starting guide to some core principles:
https://www.npr.org/2021/06/02/996319297/gender-identity-pronouns-expression-guide-lgbtq.
You might also enjoy the book, How Sex Works by Dr. Sharon Moalem. Through his use of witty, spicy writing, the jam-packed scientific data is easy to digest and leaves you wanting more. Learn about evolutionary biology, desire, sex organs, and the gender spectrum. I was shocked to learn about a blind study that showed how sexual orientation impacts smell preferences! After reading this book, you will have hard data that shows sexual orientation is not, nor has it ever been, a choice and that the idea “you’re either born male or female” is as outdated as believing the world is flat. https://www.amazon.com/How-Sex-Works-Smell-Taste/dp/0061479667.
Since those on the gender spectrum are near and dear to my heart, I would like to take this opportunity to encourage a change by increasing awareness around the use of pronouns. I’ve heard it said that such “minute” details are overblown. That is like saying it is not a big deal to call someone by the wrong name. It becomes downright offensive when it is known that it is the wrong name and it is continued to be used anyway. As Dr. Michael O’Brien stated, “Using a person’s proper name and pronouns greatly improves their quality of life. This is about being respectful and treating others with dignity.” While what I am proposing looks relatively straightforward, it will require awareness and intention. It is one of many ways we have been on autopilot, operating out of assumptions. Let’s break old habits! First, whenever encountering someone new, introduce yourself as, “I’m _______ and I use the pronouns of _____________.” (Such as: he/him, she/her, they/them, ze/zir). Next, if the other person does not immediately share their preferred pronouns, ask them. The whole point is to avoid assumptions. Please read more at https://springfield.edu/gender-pronouns.
Finally, there is much fun to be had on June 26th and 27th. To see how you can join the party, go to: https://denverpride.org/ or https://www.denver.org/things-to-do/spring-summer/denver-pridefest/. There are even virtual options this year!!!! Hope to see you there!
Happy Pride!
Neuroception
Life in a pandemic. How are we ever going to fully express what this chapter has been like? We have watched loved ones literally struggle for breath, a virus become politicized, safety-nets fail, and our sense of security in day-to-day normalcy prove painfully fragile. Of course, we’ve also rediscovered board games, cooking, and the love of sweatpants. Inevitably, the experience has changed us. In some ways, there is new clarity and appreciation for life; in other ways it has been downright painful to watch what human nature can do in times of crisis.
I have been particularly struck by how much more anxiety seems to linger, like irritating white noise that makes everything raw and draining. A wince when strangers pass in a grocery store aisle, averted eyes, or a scowl when seeing kids out on playgrounds. I was a bit perplexed by my own reaction when stepping into an occupied elevator became a moral dilemma.
To safely re-engage with the world, there is more we can do besides wearing a mask and social distancing. We can use neuroception to promote a calmer norm. Neuroception is a term used to describe our body’s way of scanning for cues if we are safe or in danger. This kind of awareness constantly runs in the background, a physical surveillance system signifying to the body how to behave in each moment. If all is well, we feel relaxed and able to connect with others in inviting ways. If we sense something is wrong, our focus shifts to protection and survival.
The great news is through deliberate practice, , we can use this natural phenomenon to help each other. With positive approaches, our interactions are more pleasant, and they literally change our brains for the better. As neuropathways (the nervous system) are soothed, they create a ripple effect to our behavior.
The first part is to remind ourselves that we are all in this situation together; trying to cope with something that we cannot see nor fully understand. Rather than only taking care of our own, let us broaden our sense of family. As we prepare to step out of the house, find that centered place you “click” into when supporting a friend in distress. Many people are not showing up as their best selves, so patience and persistence are the key tools to utilize. Take deep breaths, listen to some lighthearted music (I am not ashamed to say that I have spent a significant amount of time listening to a playlist that includes Sandra Boynton and Muppet tunes) and visualize baby otters. Now the mind and body are ready.
The second part is straightforward: be friendly.
- Give eye contact. Be sure that it is long enough to say, “I see you as a human being” but not so long it seems like we are preparing to pick them out of a lineup.
- Genuinely smile. People may not be able to see our mouths, but the size of our pupils, small wrinkles around the eyes, and energy means we can literally feel the smile. So it is important to really mean it. If you are struggling, revisit the visuals of baby otters, and try again.
- Ditch the devices. We are already working hard to be intentional. It will be even harder if we are multi-tasking, and if our eyes our down, it ensures any real moments of connection will be relegated to missed opportunities.
- When we communicate, 55% is non-verbal. Be sure to have posture that is relaxed and inviting.
- Give a warm greeting. It does not need to be a Hallmark card. “Hi there,” or “Good morning,” can be exactly what is situation calls for.
While there may be a whole lot happening right now that is not in our control, there is still a lot we can do to make the world a better place. Our very biological hardwiring means that we can use even micro- moments to ensure the past year of fear is only a chapter rather than a book in our lives. One step at a time, one smile at a time, “we can hold on to love, like invisible strings” (thank you Gonzo for this moving song from the Muppet Movie).
Resources:
New Website
After months of working with two lovely, very patient designers with Willow Bridge Creations, I am happy to announce that the Side By Side website has a brand new look. Please feel free to enjoy these amazing people’s artistic flare, adding mood and color to verbiage about specialties and primary approaches I use to bring support and relief. The resource page has also been updated, so if you or someone you love need ideas for assistance, help is a click away. There are still some additional changes on the horizon that will include a client portal, automated receipts, and online scheduling. This will be added as soon as I brush off my dormant technical skills to learn the new system. Here’s to a much-needed update to a website that can reflect the current decade. Enjoy!
One Voice
For some kids, it is the last month of their senior year. They’ve missed going to classes together and hanging out with friends, they’ve lost the chance to experience prom, a spring break school trip, sporting events, concerts, plays, and even had to give up the mass celebration of graduation. Yet at Arvada West High School, a music teacher gathered some innovative people to create a unique way for students to have something to hold on to. Working with a local recording studio, Mr. Chris Maunu involved one of the choirs to turn individual performances into a coral experience. Three adults created a game plan where, using a metronome, choir members individually recorded singing their part. Then the recording studio and an editor amassed the performances and used their talents to create this:
I get teary every time I hear this- a gift to the students, their loved ones, and our community. I also appreciate the lyrics written by the Wailing Jennys:
This is the sound of one voice
One spirit, one voice
The sound of one who makes a choice
This is the sound of one voice
This is the sound of voices two
The sound of me singing with you
Helping each other to make it through
This is the sound of voices two
This is the sound of voices three
Singing together in harmony
Surrendering to the mystery
This is the sound of voices three
This is the sound of all of us
Singing with love and the will to trust
Leave the rest behind it will turn to dust
This is the sound of all of us
This is the sound of one voice
One people, one voice
A song for every one of us
This is the sound of one voice.
I can’t think of a better invitation for how we as a global community can face this challenging time with dignity and hope. Thank you to every person out there making a difference. May we continue to come together and inspire.
Grief and COVID-19: Part 2
Continuing from the last article on grief, our loved ones, neighborhood, state, nation, and world are all going through an experience together. People are showing up in inspiring ways, including risking the virus to provide needed services, making homemade masks for medical facilities, and even car manufacturers building respirators. At the same time, I’ve noticed that no matter how many skills I use, there is a cloud of anxiety that is a constant presence. I don’t think I’m alone. When I recently went grocery shopping, the tension in the air was palatable. People had tight mouths, minimal eye contact, and wary glances. Now with the order to wear facial masks, the reality is even more apparent.
Listening to clients, friends, and strangers, impacts and the corresponding responses are as varied as there are people in the world. Kubler-Ross was able to identify a pattern of emotional experiences that most people go through when grieving. Yet there is so much more to the process. The context alone can greatly impact what it is like to get through this especially challenging time. Although not an exhaustive list, the following highlights the various factors that, depending on their specific forms and intensities, that can make this a stew of emotions.
Pragmatic Impacts
This involves elements that help us get by day to day. We first saw this with the run on supplies, making it difficult for others to purchase necessities like toilet paper. Then businesses began to close, jobs lost, and childcare no longer available. The financial strain alone might mean that bills are hard or even unable to be paid. Medicines may be difficult to come by and medical issues separate from COVID-19 are put on the back burner to avoid troubling an already burdened system.
Lifestyle Changes
If someone already works from home, the amount of change in routine may be limited to the personal world. For others, they may have gone from constant social interaction to a lot more alone time. Churches, schools, AA meetings, and therapy have all had to go virtual. Schedules may no longer exist, and coping strategies like exercising at a gym are closed. I talked to one person who took on childcare responsibilities of her sister. The mom is a nurse, and because she is exposed to patients with the virus, they made the difficult choice of parent-child contact only through facetime to avoid contaminating the child. This is a sacrifice I had not even considered!
Support System
There are specific challenges to having young ones in the home who need supervision, activity, and attention. With no one to provide breaks or playdates available, all of these needs must be met within the home. For others, they may be closed in with someone where there is constant conflict or even someone who can be scary. Then there are those who live alone, struggling to deal with loneliness and the lack of human touch.[MH1]
Mental Health Challenges
There are general ways we function that impact our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. Some people have strong resources in place to get through hard times. For others, they need help to strengthen resiliency through distress tolerance and coping strategies. Then there are those who have an added burden, afflicted with anxiety, depression, trauma, etc. Knowing that they already work hard to keep their heads above water, this added pressure can burden or even overwhelm an already stressed soul.
Each person will have a unique combination of circumstances that will create all kinds of feelings and reactions. There is no rule about what is right- if you feel it, there is a reason. When dealing with grief, the recipe is straightforward: feel what you feel, as long as you need to, with people to support you. Let us all do what we can to find hope, inspiration, and strength. With a little patience and a whole lot of kindness, we will get through this together!
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” – Vicki Harrison