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Wisdom of Viktor Frankl

by | Mar 21, 2020

The COVID-19 pandemic has created a ripple effect that is unprecedented in our time.  There are so many ways people are being impacted, making it difficult to find solid ground to stand on.   So how do we face this in a meaningful way?  How might this be a chance for us to gain perspective about what truly matters to us?

Two weeks before the chaos hit, I happened to read Viktor Frankl’s work, “Man’s Search for Meaning“.  This is an autobiography of a psychologist’s experience through four concentration camps, including Auschwitz.  He shares what he witnessed, focusing less on the atrocities and more about human behavior and the human spirit.  I found his insights inspiring- a call to choose how to show up in times of adversity.

Today, his words take on new meaning.  Should you find your interest piqued, I came across a beautiful summary that highlights Frankl’s main points that still capture the emotional context in which his wisdom emerged.  I hope it brings you solace and hope during this difficult time.

Man’s Search For Meaning Summary: 6 Best Lessons from Viktor Frankl – Growth.me

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”   –  V. Frankl

Antidotes to Disappointment

by | Jan 16, 2020

This video does a wonderful job talking about something that is a common plague in our society: dissatisfaction. This is the experience we have when a situation falls short of expectations. Instead of being able to enjoy what ended up being the reality, the experience is colored with negativity. There is a priceless scene in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone when Dudley is given a room full of toys for his birthday. His parents reveal his new treasures with big smiles and the expectations of delight. Instead, his response is a nasty tantrum as he realizes there is one less present than last year. His parents try to appease him with statements highlighting larger sizes or greater expense, but it has no effect. The love behind the effort makes no impact. All that matters to the boy is quantity.

Not all expectations are bad. They can serve as filters, so we do not tolerate people or situations that are toxic. They might also help us develop goals that push us further than we thought possible. Expectations are also a key component of standards. Without them, we would not know what qualifies someone for a job, creates credentialing, or ensures a level of quality. Thank goodness for those expectations! But what this video and article focus on, are those measures that do not inspire. They are soaked in words like “should,” “must,” and “ought.” Rather than lead to a sense of contentment, they take us down a path that leads to feeling frustrated, guilty, cheated, or resentful.

The video’s antidote is to embrace gratitude and practice it regularly. They mention beautiful results like reducing selfishness, improving sleep, encouraging positivity that drives social bonds, to name a few. There is another factor worth mentioning. “What fires together wires together.” This statement refers to the phenomenon called neuroplasticity. Our brain has neurons that put out electrical impulses (fire) that communicates with other neurons along a specific path. Over time, well used pathways get strengthened; those that do not atrophy and are pruned. So, whatever we practice, whether piano, karate, or self-talk, it will gradually change and rewire the brain.

While we cannot change genetics, traumatic experiences, biochemistry, or brain structures, there are still things we can do. One powerful way we can make an impact is to be very intentional about our habits. If you spend more time thinking about your inadequacies or what is wrong, then your brain will become wired to dwell even more in these areas. If you seek out the positive, you will not only improve those neurological pathways, you will also have more opportunity for joy. It may not be easy to change long-standing behaviors but in the end, you will spend less time fighting what brings you down and instead build things that nourish you.

If you would like a formal way to practice gratitude, there are numerous apps available on your phone. Some of these are simple journals, others include encouragements and suggestions for various forms of self-care.

Triggers and the Holidays

by | Dec 9, 2019

I know this may be hard to believe, but not everyone is excited about spending holidays with their families.  Sadly, dysfunction does not break for special occasions.  There might be a relative who makes such inappropriate statements that leaves everyone in confused shock, or jealousies that lead to competition about everything from who brought the best side dish to obnoxiously boasting about accomplishments.  Then there are people who not only cause discomfort; they are harmful.  There might be judgmental statements that shame and embarrass, or there might even be someone who has been or remains abusive.  It’s hard enough to deal with these things in the best of times, let alone all at once and with skill.

I regularly recommend clients develop a plan for these moments; creating ways to minimize exposure to tough people or topics, bolster resiliency, and create choices that can prevent feeling trapped.  

  • Acknowledge where/when/with whom you might be triggered.  We were born with a certain number of painful experiences and relationships because we live with human beings who are limited in different ways.  If you take a step back and think about what upsetting feelings emerge around this time of year, your awareness can inform your action plan.
  • Strategically use the environment.  Sit near an exit.  This provides a subconscious indicator that it is possible to walk away if need be.  Find a place to stand that is far from the offending person or ensure that conversations happen with other people present to dilute the intensity of the encounter.  One can even use furniture to create a sense of separation.  For example, talk with a coffee table or chair between you, or sit with a pillow on your lap.  The latter can also be a way to soothe your nerves.
  • Resist using alcohol to “take the edge off”.  This form of coping can reduce inhibitions.  If you are fighting to keep your cool in the first place, alcohol could make it harder to manage anger, defensiveness, and other responses that impact respect and dignity.  The commitment to staying substance-free can be the difference between surviving the event and later needing damage control. 
  • Prepare responses to tough questions or comments. 
    • Change the subject
    • Be vague or give short answers
    • Make a non-committal statement. For example, “That’s one way to see it.” or “Interesting question.”  
    • Agree with them.  For example, the other person says, “I can’t believe you lost your job.”  You, “It has been a tough year but I’m getting through it.”
    • Excuse yourself.  Go on a walk , play with the kids, get a drink of water, etc.
  • Have a tiered signal system with someone who can support you.  There is nothing like knowing someone who understands how hard this is and will have your back when it becomes too hard.  For example, sustained eye contact means, “I’m stuck with this person and need help getting out of the conversation.”  A squeeze of the hand suggests I need a minute to vent.  A double squeeze means I’m struggling so much I need to go for a walk and may need a hug.  Finally, numerous throat clears state, “I have had all I can take.  It’s time to go.”     

Hopefully these suggestions can get the wheels turning about ways you can approach the season with intention, confidence, and strength.  Best of all, your efforts can also carry over into other relationships and events throughout the year.  With the challenges managed, perhaps you will not only survive the season but have a bit of fun in the process.  If you are curious about tailor-made options or want assistance for how to utilize these skills on a regular basis, please feel free to contact me.

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For other suggestions for general struggles, you can read the article at Psychology Today provided by Dr. Barrata.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/skinny-revisited/201612/dreading-the-holidays

I have also written other articles about coping with the holidays.

Supreme Court Ruling on Transgender Employment Rights

by | Nov 8, 2019

There is a major decision currently under consideration in the Supreme Court, determining what employment rights will be provided to the known 1.4 million transgender citizens currently living in the United States.  The case for gender equality is brought by the plaintiff, Ms. Aimee Stephens, who was fired after disclosing her intention to transition.  In her own words, Ms. Stephen’s read the letter she provided to her employer and colleagues. It includes heart-wrenching details of the pain that comes with leading a double life.  The sense of despair almost resulted in suicide but rather than a violent ending, she decided to risk whatever was necessary to be true to herself.  It has come with a harsh price- her job, her privacy, and a long fight against the legal system.  To learn more, please check out the New York Times podcast, The Daily: Because of Sex, where two reporters dialogue about the constitutional factors involved in the lawsuit as well as the judges’ concerns about the social ripple effect that might ensue.  

Statistics found at:  http://williamsinstitute.la.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/How-Many-Adults-Identity-As_transgender-in-the-United-States.pdf

http://theconversation.com/does-the-civil-rights-act-protect-lgbt-workers-the-supreme-court-is-about-to-decide-125290


Leaving Neverland Part 3: Breaking the Silence

by | May 9, 2019

In this three part series, we are delving into a third aspect of the documentary, Leaving Neverland. Dramatic details were divulged related to Michael Jackson’s insatiable pedophilia and how it turned lives upside down.  The first article highlighted grooming behaviors; the gradual process a perpetrator uses to lower a child’s defenses.  A kind of brainwashing, it ensures there will be little resistance to the abuse and rationalizations that decrease the fear of disclosures.  The second article discussed parental endangerment, the criminal act of failing to protect a child from danger.  The numerous forms highlighted in the film are as mindboggling as they are disturbing.  This final article hopes to clarify an unfortunate assumption around reporting that often discounts a survivor’s experience while shaming them in the process.   

The two survivors, Wade Robson and Jimmy Safechuck, and their families showed breathtaking courage to share such vulnerable stories with the world.  Yet, many have responded with disbelief that the stories are true, openly questioning why the disclosures have come decades after the abuse.  The prosecuting attorneys who filed charges against Michael Jackson were particularly confused.  They questioned the boys when allegations first emerged and cannot understand why the stories have changed so dramatically now.  Others have been outright hostile, threatening the men and their loved ones.  

The reality is that delayed disclosures are common.  One study found that male survivors engage in their first in-depth discussion approximately 28 years after the sexual abuse took place. [lii]   Another study reported males disclose being sexually abused in childhood on average 22 years after the assault, 10 years later than females. [li]  Some of the reasons for silence mirror those of female survivors; others are unique due to our cultural attitudes.

Shared reasons:

  • There is a desire to protect the perpetrator who may be someone the person loves, trusts, and admires.
  • The abuse was normalized.  Many clients have shared with me that they did not know the abuse was wrong.  It wasn’t until they visited friends’ homes or had a relationship that was vastly different from anything they have known that questions begin to emerge.  For Robson, he realized the levels of abuse when he had a daughter of his own and saw how innocent trust was taken from him.   
  • Fear may have been instilled through threats, coercion, and apportionment of blame.  One of the men stated that Michael repeatedly called his home to weave a tale that would prevent the child and his family from mentioning anything inflammatory.  Jackson’s staff also coached the families about what to say if ever questioned by authorities.  Jackson bribed the children (and parents) with gifts, cash, and promises of career help — to keep quiet. When summons arrived to provide depositions, they complied with Jackson’s expectations.
  • Once the perpetration is recognized as abuse, there is a wellspring of confusion:  Why didn’t I know this was abuse?  Why didn’t I tell?  Why didn’t I stop it?  What does this say about me?  What does this say about my sexuality?  These painful questions are often suffered in silence for fear of what the answers might reveal.
  • Concerns they will not be believed
  • Fear of reprisals.  In this particular case, Robson and Safechuck have to face their families, the legal system, and the perpetrator’s families.  But because Michael Jackson has such a loyal following, they must also deal with the wider implications of those who refuse to have their idol defamed. 

Gender-specific reasons:

  • According to Dr. Richard Gartner, a leading expert on the impacts of sexual abuse on boys and men, fewer males report sexual abuse than females “partly because fewer boys and men consciously identify their experiences as abusive. Cognitively, they may feel less traumatized, despite having a wide range of symptoms related to it.” (1999, p. 29) 
  • There is a belief that sexual assault is primarily inflicted on women.  The U.S. Centers for Disease control (2005) reported that 16% of men experienced sexual abuse by the age of 18.   However, due to all the factors mentioned in this article, it is widely thought that these statistics underrepresent reality. 
  • The Sexual Assault and Prevention Center also mentions gender expectations and homophobia as reasons for silence. These were not mentioned in the documentary, however, if you would like to read more about this, please see this article:  https://sapac.umich.edu/article/53. 

The stories these two men shared are heartbreaking.  But even in this ugliness, these men are creating change.  Finding his voice, Robson helped Safechuck fully awaken to his abuse and realize that his nebulous struggles were linked to his past.  This clarity and understanding dramatically changed the course of his therapy and healing.  By breaking the silence, other male survivors might have some solace knowing they are not alone. 

The decision to share abuse is very personal and must be considered with care.  Should this be a path you are considering, please talk to a professional about what factors are involved and what is needed to do this in a wise, thoughtful way.  Whatever steps are taken, abuse is more than a story of victimization.  It can be a process that leads to healing, empowerment, and self-discovery. 

  • [lii] Easton, S. D. 2012. “Disclosure of child sexual abuse among adult male survivors” Clinical Social Work Journal. Doi 10.1007/s10615-012-0420-3
  • [lii]  https://www.livingwell.org.au/information/statistics/#_edn51
  • Gartner, Richard B. (1999).  Betrayed as boys: Psychodynamic treatment of sexually abused men. Guilford Press.

Resources for Survivors


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