articles
articles
Subscribe and receive helpful information & updates.
Part 2: Fear of Disappointing Others: Disappointment Defined
Disappointment is the grief we feel when reality falls far short from what we had hoped. It is a mixture of anger (not o.k.!), and sadness (loss) that naturally occurs when dreams fall flat, things change, accidents happen, or situations are beyond our control. Sometimes these moments are minor, like a friend not being available when you wanted to have a spontaneous date. These usually result in a sigh and some resignation. Then there are louder disappointments like learning the person you are dating is no longer interested in you, or a major part of your support system is moving away. No matter how hard we try, we are destined to experience disappointments throughout our lifetime.
People, especially the ones we love the most, will regularly disappoint us. Their needs, motivations, demands, and limitations will often not match our own, and that can be hard to swallow. For example, when my daughter, Avery, was crawling faster than I could drive, I both adored and would become exhausted by her curiosity. She wanted to be held, read to, rocked, and played with. Then she would become grumpy, push me away, and pull out all the books on the shelves for the eighth time in the last hour. Constant vigilance was required to make sure she did not crawl out of the crib (again!) or torment the cat (again!). After hours on end, I’d need a break. I’d head off to the only place I could have solace, the bathroom. As I sat on the edge of the tub, trying to center myself, the screaming would start. Between sobs I could hear her confusion and hurt. “Where did you go? Why didn’t you take me with you? I know you’re in there! Why won’t you let me in?” Soon, little fingers were poking under the door, literally searching for me. Despite her pleas, I spoke only once, “I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Until I was ready, the door remained shut.
Avery and I were both in the middle of being painfully disappointed. For her, she was shocked that unlike the womb, her need would not always be met. She was fine when the amount of closeness or the activities we did were on her terms; she did not like it when I did not go along with her plans. There were limits. I would not always be there, nor would I always be warm and fuzzy. Sometimes I could be annoyed, angry, or dare I say, a big brat.
Meanwhile, I had nothing left. Where was the nanny who would allow me to disappear to a lovely spa? Why did I have to be the scullery maid who had to be available whenever called? I lamented, “My patience has limits! Her needs are endless! Make this stop!” I had fantasies that loving my daughter meant being there for her, being liked and liking her, and us both full of smiles. The truth being revealed is love expressed through self-care, setting limits, and realistic expectations is painful. I wanted to be seen as the sweet, loving mom. For now, I had to cope with looking more like a mean ogre.
The first step in our quest is to identify and sit with the beliefs about disappointment that make it seem somehow pathological and something that should be avoided, no matter how much we must sacrifice along the way. Disappointment will happen; it just will. Even if we hold back what we need in relationships to try to prevent it, life is not so accommodating. Better to accept this reality and learn to face the hurt so we develop the tools to cope and build resiliency for when it inevitably comes.
Here are a few questions to consider:
- What have I been taught about disappointment and by whom?
- What has experience taught me about disappointment?
- What are my beliefs now? How does that impact how I show up in relationships?
- What patterns emerge when I’m disappointed? How about when the other person is disappointed in me?
- What are my core fears about disappointment?
- If I could go back in time and talk to myself at age seven, what message(s) would I tell myself?
Next step: we’ll be exploring what factors prevent people from being willing or able to risk disappointing others.
It’s Voting Time
I know that we talk about voting as a right, but in reality, it is a privilege. As shown in other forms of government (dictatorships, oligarchies , and monarchies, for example), our voices can be ignored or taken away. Please, use your voice- don’t take this opportunity for granted. Be a wise voice, taking steps to be well-informed. Consider these three steps:
1. When you look up information, consider the source. Look for evidence and organizations that promote the news rather than opinions. Is this stance based on expertise in the area? For example, just because an actor plays a doctor on television does not mean you want their advise on your biopsy. Is this a primary source or an interpretation? Are they using facts to support their position? What are the underlying agendas? What types of persuasion are at work, and is this a reputable news source?
2. Beware of biases such as confirmation bias (the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that validates what you all ready believe), familiarity bias (going with what is comfortable or already known), and especially consensus bias (believing that your beliefs are widespread and therefore valid).
3. For candidates, remember that the information out there is basically a resume. Be a good boss and look closely at the details. Do they have qualifications to fulfill the duties of the civic role? What is their background and experience? What does their job performance look like? Are their positions clear and specific steps outlined? Are they respected by those in the organization?
Here’s to doing what we can to ensure we are represented by quality representatives and ethical amendments.
Vote
For the values you want our country to stand for… vote.
For all those people who are not able to have a voice… vote.
To stand up for those harmed by bad policies… vote.
To help preserve democracy… vote.
To demonstrate consideration of those beyond your social circle…. vote.
To make sure our representatives accurately represent those they serve… vote.
To honor all those who fought for your right to speak… vote.
To refuse the seduction of apathy and disenfranchisement… vote.
Because rights are hard to gain but easy to lose…. vote.
Because you vote is your voice…. vote.
Part 1: The Quest: What is so Terrifying About Disappointing Others?
I was having a casual conversation with a grandfather who loved his role through and through. As he talked about his delight spending time with his granddaughter, he mentioned, with a smile, that he could not say “no” to her. “If she gets a sad face or starts to cry, I just can’t stand it.” It was clear that he thought giving in was a sign of love. He had no idea that his inability to tolerate her distress and stand firm with healthy boundaries could have major implications. My mind had big yellow lights signaling WARNING, WARNING! What came out of my mouth was “Please, be careful.”
This approach to relationships is nothing new to me. It is something I must address every time I teach a class on assertiveness. I am used to people literally squirming when they practice speaking up, but this man was not in distress. He was making a proud declaration. After this conversation I began to pay attention to how many people feel and behave in such a way. What my observations revealed- the desire to avoid disappointment is pervasive. Something is clearly at work that is so painful and deemed so bad that human beings are willing to negate what we need and sometimes who we are to keep the peace or avoid upsetting someone.
What I have read with an initial scan has been anything but illuminating. Articles from various sources have some solid behavioral steps to take, but I fear they are either superficial or unsustainable. Something this entrenched will have deep roots and tons of complexities at work. What I can say, with certainty, is I know there is a lot I don’t know on this subject. When I am preaching assertiveness, I want to truly understand with great respect and compassion what I’m inviting someone to courageously face/overcome in the processes. So I have set out on a quest- to truly understand our human struggle with disappointment. Some of the questions I hope to answer:
- What are we really afraid of?
- What is the difference between necessary and unnecessary disappointment?
- What meanings are attached to disappointment?
- What helps bolster resiliency and tolerance?
- Are there any key differences between being disappointed versus disappointing others? I tend to see people choose the former rather than deal with the latter.
Here’s to stepping out to see what we can learn together.
New Afghan Neighbors
There are several programs in the metro-Denver area that need support in all kinds of ways. Individuals and families coming our way will have basic needs for food, shelter, medical care, and jobs. They will also need kind folks to help them acclimate to a culture vastly different than where they came from. Imagine trying to navigate a grocery store, especially one that does not offer many of the foods you are used to. I also read a biography where they described challenges I had not thought of: working modern appliances, getting used to hot water from a spout, knowing not to use an oven to heat the home, or different notions of time. They will be dealing with all of this while grieving the loss of their homes and communities, and somehow trying to make sense of whatever traumas they have endured.
If you are interested in helping, here are some local organizations that could use whatever support you are able to offer:
The International Rescue Committee
Colorado Refugee Service Program
Coping With This Painful Time
On a daily basis I hear overwhelming anxiety about all the calamities facing our communities, nation, and world. I’m sure these are all too familiar: global warming and the recent UN report, spiking COVID cases, an overwhelmed/depleted medical system, and Afghanistan, to name a few. It is understandable to want to wrap our heads around these situations and find out all we can. However, information gathering has an emotional, psychological, moral, and physical toll. Vicarious trauma, the detrimental impacts of witnessing/listening to the traumas of others, is real. It is imperative to be careful to what we expose ourselves to.
Start by treating your overall health like a bank account. When you laugh with a friend, cuddle with an animal, take a walk somewhere beautiful, etc., you make a deposit. Other experiences have a cost. When you watch a pundit spew angry rhetoric, take on too many causes to fight for, or spend time with someone who wants to constantly debate, these deplete your resources. Identify your “bills” as those unavoidable withdrawals, such as determining how to keep your kids safe as they go back to school during a pandemic. Be aware of the cost a given activity demands. Is it worth it? Do you have enough in the bank to cover the cost? Going into debt for a short period can be weathered, but the more you overspend, the sooner your resiliency is depleted. You are then left with a whole lot of hard realities and minimal savings to deal with it.
One client was watching the news constantly, afraid to miss something or be out of the loop. It’s possible to stay informed while still limiting the impact. Stick only to the headlines or only review the highlights. Avoid pictures/videos and personal stories. This is not an effort to be apathetic or ignorant; it is a strategy when there is just too much to bear. The price tag could be so costly that it causes anxiety, dread, nightmares, perseveration, hopelessness, or compassion fatigue. Also, make sure this information comes from reputable sources that focus on facts such as NPR, PBS, or the BBC, rather than opinions. Although no news source is ever completely neutral, these organizations are known to minimize dramatization, have accountability to accuracy, value ethical reporting, and retain professionalism.
Right now, it is hard. We are in a perfect storm of trauma, chaos, and fear. Let’s do all we can to actively protect our health, our kindness, our sanity, and most importantly, our hope.
Comedian Speaks About EMDR
In 2018, comedian Adam Cayton-Holland published his first book, Tragedy Plus Time: A Tragi-Comic Memoir, highlighting his experience dealing with the impacts of his sister’s suicide. Cayton-Holland described his books in these words, “If you’re expecting a guide to navigating life after grief, this isn’t it. It’s an honest look at mental illness, depression, death and the beautiful relationships between families and siblings — one that lets you know that there is no guide to grief, and that it’s still O.K. to laugh.”
On September 4th, 2021, he is putting on a one-man show called, “Happy Place”, loosely based on the book. Some of the material will cover his experience with grief and EMDR treatment. Knowing that Adam is one of the best comedians in Denver, it is bound to be honest and vulnerable, and sure to bring tears and smiles. Details about the show can be found at the Bug Theatre.
__________________
Williams, John (August 26, 2018). “Grief and Laughter Mingle in ‘Tragedy Plus Time'”. nytimes.com. Retrieved September 14, 2018.
Is it Really Guilt?
“It’s my fault.” Someone feels bad about what happened, most often involving someone they love. It is the mantra of guilt, the emotion that means a wrongdoing has occurred based on a social code. The code may be explicitly stated, such as written in a religious doctrine outlining a behavior as a sin, or a list of laws that determine what are considered crimes. Other times, the wrongdoing is determined by expectations learned through modeling, a look, comments about what is seen as desired, etc. Whatever the source, our pain is our conscience saying we broke the rules.
There is a type of guilt that does not fit this description. It is an inaccurate label for the emotions we have dealing with a situation we cannot make sense of. Just recently, I heard a person lament after a friend’s suicide, “I should’ve known. I should’ve done something to help!” This accusation was unfair. First, the two friends did not have the kind of relationship where something as vulnerable as suicidal thoughts would be shared. Second, if someone has decided to take this permanent step, they will keep others in the dark for a reason. They do not want help; they want out. Despite her self-blame, there was truly nothing she could have done.
This person’s statements highlight our struggle with certain realities we do not want to face. For example, we cannot control everything, no matter how hard we try. We cannot avoid pain; it is a part of life that just… is. Our job is to figure out how best to cope with our challenges rather than cling to the myth that we can avoid them. We also want things to be fair and justice prevail, however, there are many things that are not about Karma or right/wrong. They are simply bad luck.
Other times, codes are toxic, often based on someone else’s agenda. There are countless examples, but here is one I hear a lot, “Love is about sacrifice.” Underlying message: your needs are less important than mine. If it’s between my way or yours and you chose to do what is right for you, you’re selfish. These expectations are controlling, promote shame, or foster unrealistic expectations. In a nutshell, they are a set up from the start.
For true guilt to apply, there are certain factors that must be present, highlighted in the following PBS video, titled Moral Luck.
To determine what emotion struggle is at work, consider these questions:
- Did I know this situation was going to happen?
- If I did know, could I have impacted the outcome?
- Is my guilt a wish in disguise? Ex: The above person wishing the friend had not suffered so much and could still be around.
- Was this about choice?
- Was I the responsible party? If not me, who is?
- Is the uncomfortable outcome linked to actions I took?
- Would my beliefs apply if they were attributed to someone else?
- Is the rule/code behind my guilt realistic? Ethical? Healthy?
Guilt is helpful when we have done something wrong and need to act. It is the warning signal that what we are doing needs to stop, the impetus to learn how to avoid the behaviors moving forward, and to do our best to repair damage we’ve caused. However, if our pain is based on unrealistic demands in disguise, it is time to re-evaluate what rules are worthy of being followed. If our distress is sadness, our self-flagellation will be fruitless. Instead, relief will only come through the important work of grieving. So let us remain vigilant to make sure the response we give matches what is needed.
“Guilt can either hold you back from growing or it can show you what you need to change in your life.” (Anonymous)