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Sometimes Communication is Knowing When Not to Talk
I don’t think it is any great mystery that a major factor in a healthy relationship is good communication. What is not typically emphasized is that what we don’t say can be just as important as what comes out of our mouths. A messy, escalated conversation where we have a verbal vomit is the equivalent of being a bulldozer. At best, the other person has to sift through the delivery to find the core message without becoming escalated in the process (very rare). Other times, words may be spoken that can never be taken back, including “we’re done!”
If we want to truly be heard and talk through issues, we have to be in a frame of mind that allows us to show up as the best self we can be for this tough conversation. You say more about your values not when it is easy, but when it is hard. We must avoid being drunk on indignation and instead step back to plan a clear, respectful approach. An old wisdom states, “Failing to plan is planning to fail.”
The first step in this effort, is to identify if we are escalated. This is the time we are going to be the most irrational, closed off, and hostile. This greatly compromises our ability to be kind let alone skillful. Usually we just want to run away, shut down, or put the other person in a choke hold.
Here are some warning signs that you are compromised:
Physical Changes
Shaking, rapid heart rate, shallow breathing, and high levels of tension are absolute signs that we are no longer in a place to talk. In my case, this level of upset is when I start snorting and look a lot like a bull about to charge. I imagine it is hilarious to an onlooker, but for the other party, it is a horrifying moment of being hunted by someone insane. From a cognitive standpoint, they’re not wrong. In such a state, our brains are all about protection. Now in fight or flight, abstract thinking, problem solving, and even short term memory are turned off because they only distract from what it will take to survive. Any information that is benign does not even register. Details that make up the context of a situation are dismissed, removing any chance for balanced perspective.
In addition, the person who prompted strong feelings has become an enemy. Labeled as dangerous, our solutions become extreme. Sometimes a person will threaten to end the entire relationship because there is no ability to see any other way through the struggle. Other times, actions will be taken to hurt the other person. As I mentioned in a previous article on hurt that justifies harm, empathy is gone. This is a dangerous time because it is possible to be cruel without even twinges of guilt
“This can’t wait!!!!”
The need to address the situation immediately, whether the other person is in a state of mind to engage, is a recipe for trouble. It has good intentions, wanting to alleviate the fear, hurt or anger causing the relationship rift, however, pressure leads to pursuit, pursuit leads to feeling trapped, and feeling trapped leads to panic. I have yet to see anyone respond with wisdom in such times.
“How dare he!”
This reeks of righteous indignation, a belief that we have sole ownership of the truth. The approach is that of a lawyer, engaging in a debate with the intention to win. As a wise colleague once told me, “You can either be right or you can have a relationship.” There may be times one or both parties are wrong. There may be times we are being given an opportunity to grown with a good dose of humility. But it won’t happen if it means enduring humiliation or being talked down to. In those instances, we will come out with guns a ’blazing.
To avoid all of these pitfalls, the solution is deceptively easy. Don’t engage. Focus instead on how to remove yourself from the situation, release the pent up energy in safe ways and get clear about what is upsetting you. Eventually, the intensity will pass and it will be possible to become centered, approachable, and intentional about how to address the situation. You will come from a position of empowerment rather than impulsivity. It might be hard because it is sooooo tempting to act in the moment. However, if you can find a way to take a time out, you get to spend the time taking care of yourself and becoming your best self. This is much better than spending much longer apologizing and being weighed down with regret. In addition, trust develops. You will have demonstrated that you are safe, because even when there is a problem, they know you will still be able to respond with respect and dignity.
The main factor behind success is self-control.
Never do something permanently foolish just because you are temporarily upset. – Anonymous.
What lies in our power to do, it lies within our power not to do. – Aristotle
A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves a thousand moments of regret. –Anonymous
A strong person is not the person who overpowers his adversaries to the ground but a strong person is the one who contains himself when he is angry. – Prophet Muhammad
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept stupid people the way they are, courage to maintain my self-control and wisdom to know that if I act on it, I will go to jail. –DespicableMnions.org
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References
Real, T. (2008). The new rules of marriage: What you need to know to make love work. New York, NY: Ballantine Books.
http://changingminds.org/explanations/brain/fight_flight.htm
Medications for Mental Health
The topic of medication is a complicated one. I have had heard repeatedly from clients that they do not want to even consider going down this path, for good reasons. We are all too aware of personal and public stories where pills have been handed out like candy. People have seen loved ones dealing with side effects that can outweigh benefits. Worst of all, there is a pervasive message that medications mean that someone is weak or “simply” avoiding their issues with drugs. No wonder the mere mention of the topic is provocative.
Yet, for many, medications can make the difference between staying in bed or being able to go to work, from being paralyzed by panic or being able to function. I want to clarify that the popular perspective is not only inaccurate, it is adds unfair judgments that can cause people to stay away from what they might badly need.
The main point of this article is to highlight the reality that skills can only go so far. Invisible to the naked eye are brain structures and chemistry that can play a major role. These are things we cannot out-think nor help with talk therapy. One particular area is something scientists identified years ago. They are called neurotransmitters, the communication system that impacts all areas of the body, ranging from heart beats, movement, and even… pooping. While each chemical has complicated functions, the three that are most often implicated in moods and their corresponding behaviors are highlighted below:
- Dopamine: impacts desire, motivation, productivity and motor control. Some brain issues can impact normal levels (such as Schizophrenia and Parkinson’s), as can brain development and aging. This can impair memory, mood, attention, learning, and sleep. It has also been linked to anorexia and obsessive compulsive disorder.
- Serotonin: during a seminar on nutrition, the facilitator affectionately said the “s” stands for satisfied. This neurotransmitter signals that we are happy and content. It takes away the fluctuations in mood and helps with the quality of sleep. Those who struggle with depression, anxiety and insomnia are often found to not have enough Serotonin in their system.
- Norepinephrine: a major chemical involved in the fight-or-flight response, increasing heart rate, blood pressure, and levels of sugar in the blood.
These neurotransmitters can be aided with exercise, nutrition, meditation and self-care. However, in many cases, it is not enough to bring the needed levels of relief. However, there is a complication. The strategies mentioned above require a lifestyle change because the deficiencies are ongoing. If there is insufficient dopamine, there might not be not enough dopamine to feel motivated to make the effort. If there is a serotonin deficiency, it will not bring a sense of satisfaction afterwards. Therefore, either discipline or external accountability would be required until there is adequate chemical balance to sustain.
We also need balanced chemistry to have a shot at any skills being effective. One client, after months of working on skills, took six hours to calm down once a trigger occurred. Once the right medication was found and the mind chemically calmed, the skills had a chance to take hold and the recovery time decreased to thirty minutes! Another client was so depressed, daily tasks and hygiene went out the window. It took medication along with therapy to help this person have enough interest in life and energy to engage be able to go to work.
It is easy to misunderstand or ignore those things that we cannot see. Hopefully, this provides one aspect of the physiological implications in moods. When we are struggling, the goal is to find effective, healthy relief. When it comes to ailments like heart conditions or migraines, we do not expect sufferers to be “strong enough” to function without medications. Let’s give those who are afflicted with mental health issues to have the same level of compassion. Should you hope to talk through this further, please call me at 303-915-5597. You may also consider gathering other perspectives through knowledgeable doctors, including a primary care physician.
Resources:
https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/neuroscience/neurotransmitters
https://brain-sharp.com/blogs/news/increase-dopamine-levels
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/serotonin
https://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Chemical%20Imbalance.html
When Is It Emotional Abuse?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201609/when-is-it-emotional-abuse?eml
This article seems well-timed after post on different kinds of trauma. As Chloe Dykstra’s courageous disclosure explains, emotional abuse is an insidious process where an abuser works methodically to break down a person’s resources and replace it with their malignant agenda of control. Sometimes we can readily identify such a person (like a critical, authoritarian boss) but many times, the caustic efforts are subtle or gradual. As the gas lighting continues, Dykstra highlights what changes occur: she no longer knew up from down and no friends were left as a reference point or to help her navigate through the abuse. Somehow, she was lucky enough to find a way out before her spirit was annihilated.
While she talks about what such a relationship is like after three years, there are a few red flags that can warn you before the relationship has started to take hold. This is not intended to blame anyone who has gone through such an experience. It is through these stories that we have begun to identify patterns that can serve as invaluable information for others.
Intuition is our greatest ally
Intuition is the internal mechanism that provides protection from danger. You might not always know exactly why you feel uneasy, but this resource picks up on subtleties that are often below our conscious detection. There might be “weird” energy, a unnerving smile that does not reach the eyes, hints at underlying anger, and body language, to name a few. Our culture tends to value friendliness and trust so this conditioning can often dismiss what our intuition senses. This is to our detriment. It is always wise to heed these warnings, even if you do not yet know the reason(s).
Charm should not be an adjective but a verb.
According to an expert on violence in many forms, de Becker writes, “Charm is almost always a direct instrument, which, like rapport building, has motive. To charm is to compel, to control by allure or attraction… If you consciously tell yourself, “This person is trying to charm me,” as opposed to “This person is charming,” you’ll be able to see around it. Most often, when you see what’s behind charm, it won’t be sinister, but other times you’ll be glad you looked.” (p. 58, 1997)
The only good kind of control is self-control
There are many instances when someone believes that their opinions are “more valid” than your own. It is suggested that your judgment is questionable so their wisdom and opinion should be accepted without resistance. Should there be a challenge, it is deemed disrespectful and intolerable. Clearly, this is not the kind of environment where two people can exchange ideas, negotiate, or even have differences. It’s one way or no way. Using interruptions, ignoring external input, changing the subject, or relentless persistence, these tactics serve to wear you down until you agree simply to get the conversation over with or stop speaking up. While these conversations are exasperating in and of themselves, over time they erode your grip on reality and compromise your sense of who you are.
Ignoring the word “no”
De Becker warns that when someone refuses to hear the word ‘no’, a boundary is being ignored. “No” is a word that sends out a message regarding what you feel comfortable with and what is a push beyond what feels wise or safe. “It is a word that must never be negotiated because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you.” He goes on to state, “With strangers, even those with the best intentions, never, ever relent on the issue of ‘no’ because it sets the stage for more efforts to control. If you let someone talk you out of the word ‘no’, you might as well wear a sign that reads, “You are in charge.” (1997, p. 64)
These are just a few of the many tactics abusers use. Should you wonder if you are in such an abusive relationship, there is a link below that can provide you with a list of symptoms to see if this applies to your situation or simply further informs you about what to look for. We all have challenges in relationships, but we have the right to be have our individuality respected and our dignity kept intact.
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Resources:
DeBecker, G. (1997). The Gift of fear. New York, NY: Random House, Inc.
Forward, S. (1997) Emotional blackmail. New York, NY: Harper Collins Publishers
Bancroft, L. (2002). Why does he do that? New York, NY: Berkley Books.
Mathews, A. (6/20/18). When is it emotional abuse? Psychology Today [Online]. Available: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201609/when-is-it-emotional-abuse?eml
Power and control wheel of emotional abuse: https://runningthroughtears.files.wordpress.com/2013/06/power_and_control_wheel_large.gif
The Evolution of Our Inner Critic
The New York Times recently posted a fascinating article on how our evolution predisposes us to emphasize negative experiences more than the positives.
https://nytimes.com/2018/05/22/smarter-living/why-you-should-stop-being-so-hard-on-yourself.html
A few examples are provided as to how the critic works but I would like to include other common tools that contribute to the attack on our self-esteem:
- Comparisons- we dwell on the negative in ourselves and magnify the positives in others. Facebook is a particularly effective tool for this because we usually only see the fun things people experience rather than there private struggles.
- Personalization- believing we are responsible for external events. “He has a scowl on his face- it must be because he is angry with me.”
- Should statements- we think we can motivate ourselves through guilt. This usually involves high expectations and nothing short of complete success is acceptable. There is rarely consideration of impacting factors or whether or not the expectations were realistic in the first place.
- Labeling- instead of describing the specifics of a situation, a global statement is made about our entire worth. These judgments are highly loaded and rarely fair.
The article offers some suggestions on how to develop more compassion for ourselves so we remember that humans are imperfect. These are wonderful strategies but often hard to know how to put into place. A client sent me an app that with the intention to focus on meditative practices. While I’m cautious about endorsing apps, the program seems in line with what is being recommended. If you would like to look into this further, check out: http://insig.ht/course_coming-home-to-yourself
In my work with clients, I do not dismiss any parts of who we are, including the inner critic. Instead, I work to understand where it comes from, who introduced these messages and even how it tries to be helpful. This may sound like a strange approach- most people think an exorcism would be called for. In reality, most critics exist because they provide a service. Sometimes it recreates the environments that have been all too familiar. Other critics try to protect more vulnerable parts of ourselves that have gotten hurt in one way or the other. Using messages of shame, the critic works to avoid the situations that have led to pain and embarrassment. So before we discount this internal part of ourselves outright, listen to what it is trying to do so healthier alternatives can be found. Should this approach resonate with you, contact me so we can work together to find a way to help soften the critic while bolstering the kindness we all badly need.
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Goiran, A. F. (1996). Reversing student frustration, anger and self-rejection. Unpublished manuscript.
Schiraldi, G. R. (2001). The self-esteem workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc. (p. 40-42)
Big “T” and Little “t” Traumas
I was seven years old, sitting on top of the monkey bars and starring down at my shoes. My pony tail was in knots after spending recesses pretending the gravel was hot lava and jumping around on the jungle gym until our flying horses cold swoop down and take us to safety. But all that was erased once I heard my best friend, Jamie, was moving. As she chatted away about all the exciting adventures that were sure to come, I could hardly hear her. I was heartbroken. It was bad enough that I would no longer have someone to sit with at lunch or have sleep overs with cardboard forts and pancakes, nor would there would be anyone to make friendship pins with that we could swap between classes. What was becoming a deeper pain was the pattern. This was the fourth year in a row my best friend moved away. I never envied those who had to move and start all over. However, no one realized that by living in the same house growing up I was always the one left behind.
No one was at fault nor was this done to hurt me but it was still taking a toll. Over time, an anxiety began to take hold that made it harder and harder to open up to my peers. I learned through experience that it was just a matter of time before someone would leave me. While I still tried to put myself out there, I was always braced for that dreaded conversation that would mean it was over. What I now know is that these accumulative experiences were not just painful, they were traumatic.
Trauma is a term that identifies the very real impacts that occur when someone is exposed to something disturbing and painful. Most people are familiar with “Big T” traumas because they are extreme. Examples include car accidents, abuse, violence, serious injury or the threat of death. The fact that someone would struggle after such an event is often easy for people to understand. But there are other, more subtle traumas. They are often labeled as temporary bumps in the road or simply unrecognized. Referred to as “small t” traumas, it can be a one-time event or something so frequent it feels commonplace. Like the “big T” traumas, these experiences assault your sense of self, change how safe the world feels, and compromise your ability to connect with others.
Here are some examples:
- A parent who makes promises but repeatedly fails to follow through
- A teacher who points out to the entire class how the student made a mistake and should have known better
- Bullying, an umbrella euphemism for harassment, assault, and slander
- Frequent shaming (you’re stupid, a mistake, worthless….)
- Being ostracized
- Repeated rejections (like those that occur during job hunting)
- Poverty
- Cancer
- Losing one’s support system
- Having to hide who you are
- Disclosing something vulnerable only to have it ignored, minimized, or used as ammunition at a later time
Not everyone experiences these as traumatic but plenty of people do. It is not because there is a lack of some superpower nor a sign of weakness. Instead, there are a myriad of factors that determine the type and intensity of the impact. For example, the developmental age at the time, the amount of coping strategies available, the level of validation and support, the amount of previous trauma, and the level of vulnerability, all make a difference in how the trauma is taken in. Other factors include whether or not the harm was done on purpose or who the players were. Whatever the impact, it is never someone’s fault they are afflicted with pain; it is the burden they bear.
Just like “big T” traumas, “small t” traumas’ effects can ooze into all areas of life. The most common impact is the development of deeply embedded forms of protection. Perhaps these sound familiar: minimizing emotions or blending into the wallpaper so it is harder to be singled out and humiliated. Perhaps someone becomes very private or isolated to limit vulnerability. Others develop a very distinct public persona so no one knows just how wounded and tender they feel. These understandable measures can change the ability to take risks, to understand feelings and how to respond in healthy ways, and the willingness to be open to a partner or friend.
Small “t” traumas may not be easy to recognize but that does not mean it is hopeless. Should this description help you understand something you are experiencing, help is available. There are ways to address these experiences and their detriments. Something painful happened to you, but it does not have to define who you are or determine the quality of your life.
https://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/assessment/trauma-symptom-checklist.asp
https://www.aap.org/en-us/Documents/ttb_aces_consequences.pdf
Just Breathe
Of all the tools I use to help clients, nothing beats “belly breathing”. Over and over again, I have seen someone highly upset or feeling out of control, enjoy some relief by taking few minutes to slow down and fully fill their lungs. The impact can even be felt in the body; muscles relax, blood pressure lowers, heart rate slows, and a calming sensation occurs as natural dopamine is released. No longer shut down or in fight-or-flight mode, the world looks manageable because we have become centered from within.
Most people do not realize that no matter how hard we try, these benefits are not possible just through telling ourselves to calm down or think positively (Anyone who utters these words needs a time out- these phrases are never helpful!). When upset, we feel threatened in some way and our entire body is “on” to make sure we are safe. Anything thoughts outside of how to survive simply go out the window. Our emotional brain, not our logic has taken over. Therefore, our ability to understand contextual factors, see grey areas, or even short term memory are offline.
To enjoy the full benefits of breath, there are a three key components to remember. First, we have to slow down. It is common for many to either breathe rapidly or barely show movement in the body. Oxygen is in short supply and means the body is working on the bare minimum to function. We’ve got to slow down. The recommended frequency is using four counts on the inhale, and at least six counts on the exhale. The most important emphasis is on the latter because it provides a sense of energetic release and neurophysiological calming.
Next, it is imperative to fully fill the lungs. Most people breathe shallowly, with the top part of the chest, shoulders and arms moving upwards. We want the lungs so full they push all our guts into the belly area. If you wonder what this looks like, watch someone (with their permission), or a pet, while they sleep. The chest moves some, but the majority of movement is in the belly.
Finally, practice, practice, practice. The more we get use to this new way of taking care of our body, the more we build a habit that we can fall back on in times of struggle. Here are just a few examples of when this wonderful tool can do a world of good:
- Before walking into your home after work, take two minutes to reset. The day can be left behind, and you work to be fully present once you walk in the door.
- Just as your head hits the pillow, take a few moments for belly breathing. This can signify to the body that it is now time to put the “to do” list aside for the body to relax and recharge.
- At a stop light.
- On a walk where the full scents of nature can take hold.
- Once a conversation has gone from sharing perspectives to a confrontation. Voices are rising, no one is listening, and the need for ice cream or potato chips has suddenly spiked. It’s time to breath.
Delightfully, you do need to carry something around or buy expensive books. Your breath is with you all the time. The only thing you need is to remember it’s there and will help. Enjoy the chance to take a pause, mentally regroup, slow the pace, improve listening, and allow your most skilled self a chance to shine.
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Resources
https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/yoga-for-anxiety-and-depression
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/9445-diaphragmatic-breathing
https://livingthenourishedlife.com/5-ways-youll-benefit-from-daily-deep/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neuraptitude/201602/the-science-slow-deep-breathing
Inspiring Story of Kim Noble
It is easy to become discouraged when weighed down with issues and mental health challenges. To counteract despair or discouragement, it is important to seek out stories that offer different perspectives, hope, and resiliency. The following was something I came across that took my breath away. A woman with multiple personalities found a way for twelve of her twenty internal people to have a voice. There is incredible self-awareness and compassion for an experience that is relatively rare and misunderstood. Here is a link to her short documentary: