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Avoiding Reactivity
For most of us, one interaction can take us from a pleasant mood to seeing red. We know something is wrong and the need to address feels urgent. However, we rarely realize that if we act in the moment we are “hot”, we will lead a charge that could leave us embarrassed, confused, or regret. Don’t get me wrong, anger is an incredibly empowering, informative experience. It has allowed people to overcome fears and ask for what they need, confront a bully, or stand against injustice. However, it is imperative that we know the difference between wise action and reactivity. If this is not clear, it gets….. messy.
One of the reasons we must be cautious is because distress significantly impacts how we think and perceive a situation. The impassioned state compromises our ability to think clearly and overpowers the access to rational, reasonable perspectives. We are prone to greater risks of becoming hostile and out for revenge instead of seeking understanding and repair. There are also numerous distortions that we may not even realize. Needless to say, we are not at our best and must work to use it wisely.
Using a scale of 0 to 10, we can see the compromised perception at work. Do any of these sound familiar?
0- All is well. Enjoy some peace and contentment.
1- Something seems “off” but it is vague or a low priority. We are able to be curious and determine if it is something that deserves addressing.
2- Whatever is upsetting to us comes into focus and the corresponding feelings like anger, fear,
3- The situation is a priority. If we are mindful, we will look at the factors contributing to our distress, determine who is involved, and seek to understand the underlying needs and any agendas that might be at play.
4- There is a growing sense of urgency. Muscles become slightly tense, our facial expressions intensify, and effort is required to determine the best course of action. We are angry, and the energy we hold will signify to others to pay attention.
________________________ Shift into fight or flight _____________________________________
5- We begin to be afflicted with emotional reasoning, the assumptions that emotions reflect the way things really are. Ex: I feel betrayed therefore I have been betrayed. Anything that does not fit with the belief
6- Certain executive functions begin to waiver. Other viewpoints become harder to hear as our position
7- The world takes on a quality of absolutes or black and white. A sense of righteous indignation starts to set in and the need to consider other viewpoints,
8- As the amount of contextual information is filtered out, options for action shrink. Our memory starts to fail. Facts become distorted or highly colored with our narrative. Labels set in that determine the other’s entire worth like “You’re a “liar/idiot/narcissist”! This creates the dangerous potential of dehumanizing someone and making it easier to treat them with hostility.
9- Everything taking place is a gross injustice. Interactions evoke defensiveness and counterattacks. Outcomes look permanent. We interrupt, make gross assumptions, and feel like the other is out to get us. We often resort to war-like strategies such as capitalizing on vulnerabilities, using words as
10- It feels out of control and hostility is overpowering. Responses are impulse driven without consideration about the consequences. It is not uncommon for actions to contradict values.
There is a common myth that anger is one letter short of danger. Anger in and of itself is not bad- it is an emotion that provides invaluable information that deserves to be heard. It is the permission we give ourselves to act from a compromised state and a justified thirst for vengeance that leads to destructiveness.
To ensure that you are in a state where you are most capable of being thoughtful and centered, create a personalized version of the scale mentioned above. Review it regularly so when you are upset, you have an idea of where you fall on the 0-10 scale. If you are over a four, it is not the time to address what is bothering you. Anything you come up with will be riddled with distortions. Instead, find ways to expel the strong energy (go for a run, scream in your car, journal between jumping jacks). Once the level on the scale has gone below a five, you are in a better mental position to look at the situation and see how to proceed. With a calmer brain, what could have been a hostile collision can now become a conversation.
Resources
www.moodmetric.com/fight-flight-response/
www.synapticpotential.com/neuroscience-in-action/stress-and-memory/
www.harperwest.co/fight-flight-response-affects-emotional-health/
www.apa.org/helpcenter/recognize-anger
Bourne, E. J. (2000). The anxiety and phobia workbook (3rd ed.). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc. a
Talking About Sex With Teens
I’ve recently learned about a fantastic psychologist and pioneer Karen Rayne, PhD. who has written a much needed book for parents talking about sex education with teenagers (Unhushed). She also started an organization that attempts to help educate adults about what teens need in this regard online and in person! If this could help you or someone you know, please check out this link: http://www.unhushed.org
And To All A Good Night
I will never forget an afternoon I called my mother when I was in graduate school. Through tears and hiccups, I told her that I did not know if I could handle the pressures I was under. I was in my third semester of school with a two month old baby and felt like I was cracking up. After a short time of listening and support, my mother kindly told me (although I would not have admitted it at the time) to take a nap. I was incredulous. “What?!?! I don’t have time to sleep!” Still, I took her advice and when I woke up, I had to admit with humility that my mom knew best. Brilliantly, she knew that my brain was so starved for sleep that I was beyond the capability to be comforted. I was a raw nerve: paranoid, desperate, and convinced something was deeply wrong with me. No amount of bubble baths, essential oils or mediation was going to make it better.
Since that time, I have come to realize that a huge part of well-being is adequate sleep. It is sadly undervalued but incredibly important for resiliency and sanity. You may be aware that sleep helps repair the body like tissues, muscle growth and protein synthesis. An equally important benefit is that it helps with mental functioning like making sense of what we have emotionally experienced and then storing it all into usable memory. If we are not getting enough sleep, we are preventing these vital processes from completing. It does not take long before this begins to have impact in unexpected ways.
Here are a few quick questions to determine if this relates to you?
- Are you often tired during the day or have moments of sudden sleepiness? This may mean that you have significant sleep debt- your body is like an accountant. If it does not get what it needs, it will decrease functioning until the debt is repaid.
- Is your weight stable or are you fighting a gain? Research shows that if you’re overtired, there is less interest in exercising or making the effort to make healthy meals. In addition, Leptin and Serotonin levels decrease, the hormones that helps you feel full. This means that tired people are hungrier, have lower metabolism, and crave high-fat and high-calorie foods. In time, this can lead to obesity and Type II diabetes!
- Does your brain feel a bit fuzzy and decisions-making difficult? Jodi A. Mindell, PhD is a professor of psychology at St. Joseph’s University in Philadelphia and author of Sleep Deprived No More. She states that there are numerous studies that show sleep deprivation “impairs your cognition, your attention, and your decision-making.” There is a substantial decrease in solving logic or math problems, and odd mistakes (like leaving your keys in the fridge) are more common.” (For those of you who know me, I do misplace my keys and phone, but never my child).
- Are you fairly resilient to the common cold or frequently sick, making you want to run from the building screaming when someone sneezes? There are a few studies that have shown that those with sleep deprivation were three times more likely to get sick than those with seven hours or more of sleep per night. Knowing how gross Nyquil tastes, this might be worth it in and of itself!
- Are you at risk for heart disease or hypertension? Growing evidence of research suggests that seven or less hours of sleep greatly increased coronary artery calcification- a predictor of a future heart attack. There can also be elevated risks of hypertension, stroke, an irregular heartbeat, and heart disease. Yikes!
- If you have manic or unipolar depression, do your symptoms appear to be extra strong? This relates directly to the story mentioned at the start. Sleep deprivation looks almost identical to major depression. Hence the recommendation to fix the real problem, not the symptoms. Good sleep sets up the brain for positive feelings, while deprivation has enjoyment of activities reduced and interferes with people’s social lives. They also tend to be more angry or violent. (Dement, p. 274)
- What is your quality of life? How long do you want to live? Three separate studies suggested that sleeping five or fewer hours per night may increase mortality risk by as much as 15 percent.10
Most of us do not associate these struggles with sleep, but they are very real side effects. If you want to follow Spock’s advice of “live long and prosper,” then quality sleep must be included in the plan. Forget about cultural pressures to cut down the hours spent sleeping so you can be more productive. You’ll have more energy, a clearer head, and better health if you are meeting this critical need. How wonderful that a night spent under a cozy blanket means you are working on your mental and physical health. May you have many good nights to enjoy!
Resources
Dement, W. C. (1999). The Promise of Sleep. New York, NY: Dell Publishing. ringTag”)]=”z”,
Tis The Season to be Triggered
Imagine that moment when you are standing on the front step of a family member’s home with the expected hot casserole in hand the family insisted is a must to honor traditions. The usual mantras start to play, “Maybe this year it can be different. We can all be on our best behavior.” “There is no reason we have to dissolve into the usual dynamics.” “I’m tired of spending the drive home venting about why I keep doing this to myself year after year!” Yet, the moment you walk across the threshold, all of this is forgotten and the predictable patterns take hold.
Even with our best intentions, there is sooooo much working against us. There is the inevitable stress with all the obligations. There are cousins like Scott who further tap your reserves by spending the night giving you a rundown of his resume, not once asking about your life. Then there are the inevitable challenges being around people who know exactly what buttons to push and may even be responsible for deep wounds that are still unresolved and sore.
Don’t give up home for change, but also don’t bank on it. Instead, focus less on wishes and more on dealing with what *is* rather than the craziness that may always be there. Stop waiting for change and instead, create a plan of self-care strategies that build resilience. The following are some options that my clients have found helpful. Whichever ones you try, notice the ones that help and versus the ones that have minimal impact. Then you can gradually create a plan that is tailor made to be as effective as possible.
Space
Use space well when dealing with someone who drives you crazy. Instead of cozying up in a corner for a long chat, sit across the room, hopefully with others there to interject into the conversation. Or perhaps you can help with food preparation so you have a task to focus on instead of taking in the full blast of the person’s energy. Another option is to have furniture between you and the person you are talking with. Stand behind a chair; talk on the opposite side of a table. There can be a subconscious relief knowing there is a barrier to keep the other at bay as well as your own desire to shake her/him. My personal favorite is to sit close to a door so you know that there is an exit if need be.
Objective Observation
Become a social scientist. Make a game of observing. Like preparing to describe the rituals of gorillas, watch details of interactions. Consider these fascinating social behaviors: what roles are played, what topics are allowed, and which viewpoints get the most air time or shut down? What kind of baggage does each person bring and how does this get acted out? From this vantage point, you are not part of the group but create a degree of separation. This keeps you from swimming in the dramas and allows the chance to have insight. By taking this approach, you might learn more about how you get hooked into old patterns and what interactions, conversations, etc. might cause strong reactions. These are things that can be explored and addressed at a later date.
Build In Breaks
Find ways to re-center. I find it best to have a tiered level of response so you do not need to go from being part of the celebration to peeling out of the driveway in your car.
First Level Coping
- Half listen, take your pulse, look at the shape of the other’s eyebrows, or wondering how many times the word, “um” is used in the midst of a soliloquy.
- Find someone you have to “talk something with before you forget”. It doesn’t matter what you actually talk about, as long as you get space.
- Excuse yourself. Get a drink of water. Go to the bathroom and splash some cold water on your face. This gives you time to breathe without it looking like a major boundary being set that can raise flags.
Second Level Coping
- Take a walk around other areas of the home/office/etc. to find some quiet and breathe. Breathe, remind yourself this is temporary, and consider other ways you can enjoy yourself.
- Talk a brisk walk outside. This time of year means you will be a little chilly so this should get rid of some pent up adrenaline and help you focus on the moment as your body starts to wonder why you are not by a fire with a good book.
Third Level Coping
- Make your exit. You can say that you’re not feeling great and need to go home to rest. This is a factual statement- they will just assume it is physical and not because you are emotionally at your wits end and cannot handle any more. All of these methods are intended to allow you options without having to explain yourself and making the situation a thing.
Support
Designate a wing man. This can be a trusted ally who “gets it”. They know when to give you supportive looks, rescue you from a monologuer, or provide a needed hug at the right time. I also find them invaluable for post party processing. Not only can they offer validation and find some way to make you laugh, they can also provide new perspectives to chew on.
It may not be a perfect holiday season, and for some, you might be white-knuckling it for the next few weeks. However, with planning and tools in place, it is possible to move from simple endurance to empowered intention. And if that won’t work, you can either ask Santa to bring you a nice, long January vacation, or contact me to figure out other strategies that can help find joy in the season.
Holiday Survival
I feel like November snuck up on me and I soon realized that in just a few weeks, there will be holiday get togethers and a spike in stressors. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a utility belt like Batman that gives you all you need to survive the season? You feel frantic at the store- a little energy zapper would immediately provide a sense of calm. There could be a button that creates an invisible force field so you would be unaffected by your crazy uncle who thrives on chaos. Alas, there is no such option. However, there are mental and emotional tools that can be used in a similar fashion. Noticing a theme of anxiety surfacing with family dynamics nearing, the following are ideas on how to handle the season with style. With determination and preparation, you can implement creative responses to whatever lies ahead.
Acknowledge your triggers and pre-determine ways to take care of yourself. This is a time of triggers. We were born with a certain number of painful experiences and relationships because we live with a bunch of human beings who are limited in different ways. If you take a step back and think about what upsetting feelings emerge around this time of year, you can go in with an action plan. For example, if your cousin tends to dominate conversations, consider sitting somewhere in the room that is further away. Perhaps there is someone who loves to find fault in everyone. Identify ways you can stay grounded and neutral so you have the choice whether or not to engage. Keep in mind that the more time you take between the trigger and the response, the greater the chance you are choosing how to respond rather than simply reacting.
Liberate yourself from expectations. The reality of expectations is that when you set the bar high, anything that falls beneath that line will not be appreciated. Lots of loving acts go unnoticed because they were not exactly what had been anticipated. Without conditions for what is o.k., you can be more open. You eradicate the fear of disappointment and create space for flexibility and new experiences. (A great example of this is depicted in the “Christmas Story” movie when the glorious turkey is devoured by the neighbor’s dogs. The family winds up enjoying their Christmas meal with duck at a Chinese restaurant!)
Re-evaluate the roles you play. Roles are everywhere. At an early age, we are conditioned to engage in certain ways and deterred from other behaviors. Soon these responses become automatic and unchallenged. Do any of these sound familiar: the baby, the success, the responsible one, the fat one, the thin one, the rebel, or the black sheep? These are all different boxes we can get stuck in. We are denied the opportunity to be present in the moment and respond in ways that fit with our ever maturing values and needs. Determine what roles you have been asked to play and consider ways to step outside of them. You are so much more than the box you’ve had to fill!
These are just a few of the options! The key is to be intentional- know what adds to your stress and have a plan to address these head on. Then, you can hopefully find joy during the next few months and create positive memories that bring smiles for years to come. To all- I wish you peace and happy holidays!
Vote
For the values you want our country to stand for… vote.
For all those people who are not able to have a voice… vote.
To stand up for those harmed by bad policies… vote.
To help preserve democracy… vote.
To demonstrate consideration of those beyond your social circle…. vote.
To make sure our representatives accurately represent those they serve… vote.
To honor all those who fought for your right to speak… vote.
To refuse the seduction of apathy and disenfranchisement… vote.
Because rights are hard to gain but easy to lose…. vote.
Because you vote is your voice…. vote.
Keeping Thoughts In Check
The following article does a wonderful job highlighting how a thought is not to be taken at face value but something to be worked with. Instead of letting the mind run amok with negative self-talk, the author gives a step-by-step approach to address this tendency head on. She encourages an exploration into the internal messages, an activity that promotes emotional distancing and objectivity. Using specific questions, valuable information our thoughts might contain is identified while any distortions that might color our perspective can be cleared out. With more realistic data, it becomes possible to consider contextual factors and options for how to respond. This is a great example of how emotional processing can lead to better self-awareness and a healthier mindset.
https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-i-cant-thoughts-run-your-mind-and-life/