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In this three part series, we are delving into a third aspect of the documentary, Leaving Neverland. Dramatic details were divulged related to Michael Jackson’s insatiable pedophilia and how it turned lives upside down.  The first article highlighted grooming behaviors; the gradual process a perpetrator uses to lower a child’s defenses.  A kind of brainwashing, it ensures there will be little resistance to the abuse and rationalizations that decrease the fear of disclosures.  The second article discussed parental endangerment, the criminal act of failing to protect a child from danger.  The numerous forms highlighted in the film are as mindboggling as they are disturbing.  This final article hopes to clarify an unfortunate assumption around reporting that often discounts a survivor’s experience while shaming them in the process.   

The two survivors, Wade Robson and Jimmy Safechuck, and their families showed breathtaking courage to share such vulnerable stories with the world.  Yet, many have responded with disbelief that the stories are true, openly questioning why the disclosures have come decades after the abuse.  The prosecuting attorneys who filed charges against Michael Jackson were particularly confused.  They questioned the boys when allegations first emerged and cannot understand why the stories have changed so dramatically now.  Others have been outright hostile, threatening the men and their loved ones.  

The reality is that delayed disclosures are common.  One study found that male survivors engage in their first in-depth discussion approximately 28 years after the sexual abuse took place. [lii]   Another study reported males disclose being sexually abused in childhood on average 22 years after the assault, 10 years later than females. [li]  Some of the reasons for silence mirror those of female survivors; others are unique due to our cultural attitudes.

Shared reasons:

• There is a desire to protect the perpetrator who may be someone the person loves, trusts, and admires.
• The abuse was normalized.  Many clients have shared with me that they did not know the abuse was wrong.  It wasn’t until they visited friends’ homes or had a relationship that was vastly different from anything they have known that questions begin to emerge.  For Robson, he realized the levels of abuse when he had a daughter of his own and saw how innocent trust was taken from him.   
• Fear may have been instilled through threats, coercion, and apportionment of blame.  One of the men stated that Michael repeatedly called his home to weave a tale that would prevent the child and his family from mentioning anything inflammatory.  Jackson’s staff also coached the families about what to say if ever questioned by authorities.  Jackson bribed the children (and parents) with gifts, cash, and promises of career help — to keep quiet. When summons arrived to provide depositions, they complied with Jackson’s expectations.
• Once the perpetration is recognized as abuse, there is a wellspring of confusion:  Why didn’t I know this was abuse?  Why didn’t I tell?  Why didn’t I stop it?  What does this say about me?  What does this say about my sexuality?  These painful questions are often suffered in silence for fear of what the answers might reveal.
• Concerns they will not be believed
• Fear of reprisals.  In this particular case, Robson and Safechuck have to face their families, the legal system, and the perpetrator’s families.  But because Michael Jackson has such a loyal following, they must also deal with the wider implications of those who refuse to have their idol defamed. 

Gender-specific reasons:

• According to Dr. Richard Gartner, a leading expert on the impacts of sexual abuse on boys and men, fewer males report sexual abuse than females “partly because fewer boys and men consciously identify their experiences as abusive. Cognitively, they may feel less traumatized, despite having a wide range of symptoms related to it.” (1999, p. 29) 
• There is a belief that sexual assault is primarily inflicted on women.  The U.S. Centers for Disease control (2005) reported that 16% of men experienced sexual abuse by the age of 18.   However, due to all the factors mentioned in this article, it is widely thought that these statistics underrepresent reality. 
• The Sexual Assault and Prevention Center also mentions gender expectations and homophobia as reasons for silence. These were not mentioned in the documentary, however, if you would like to read more about this, please see this article:  https://sapac.umich.edu/article/53. 

The stories these two men shared are heartbreaking.  But even in this ugliness, these men are creating change.  Finding his voice, Robson helped Safechuck fully awaken to his abuse and realize that his nebulous struggles were linked to his past.  This clarity and understanding dramatically changed the course of his therapy and healing.  By breaking the silence, other male survivors might have some solace knowing they are not alone. 

The decision to share abuse is very personal and must be considered with care.  Should this be a path you are considering, please talk to a professional about what factors are involved and what is needed to do this in a wise, thoughtful way.  Whatever steps are taken, abuse is more than a story of victimization.  It can be a process that leads to healing, empowerment, and self-discovery. 

• [lii] Easton, S. D. 2012. “Disclosure of child sexual abuse among adult male survivors” Clinical Social Work Journal. Doi 10.1007/s10615-012-0420-3
• [lii]  https://www.livingwell.org.au/information/statistics/#_edn51
• Gartner, Richard B. (1999).  Betrayed as boys: Psychodynamic treatment of sexually abused men. Guilford Press.

Resources for Survivors

• RAINN:  https://www.rainn.org.  There are articles, resources and support specialists available. 
• National Sexual Assault Hotline: Call 800.656.HOPE (4763) to be connected to a local sexual assault service provider in your area.
• WINGS Foundation:  offer support groups for adult survivors in Metro Denver, facilitated by local therapists.  They also offer advocacy, support, and education.  www.wingsfound.org
• Jimhopper.com: www.jimhopper.com articles on this website provide information about the effects of child sexual abuse on adult men and their loved ones.
• Malesurvivor.org: This resource contains general information as well as a therapist search specifically designed for male survivors of sexual violence.  https://www.malesurvivor.org 
• https://www.livingwell.org.au/information/statistics/#_edn52

Continuing our 3-part series on HBO’s recent documentary Leaving Neverland (read part 1 here), this reflection deals with the phenomenon of Parental Endangerment.  Most people do not realize that allowing their children to be placed in dangerous, unhealthy, or inappropriate situations is a form of abuse constituting a crime.  It does not require evidence of physical injury.  As the link below states, it is any situation that might “endanger the child’s life, health, welfare, morals, or emotional well-being.”   It also does not matter if there was intent or not.  “The courts apply a ‘reasonable person’ standard in child endangerment cases.”  Whether the accused realized it was dangerous or not, they remain culpable.  https://www.criminaldefenselawyer.com/resources/criminal-defense/criminal-offense/child-endangerment.htm. 

In the documentary, if you find yourself angry with the parents, you would be well-justified.  Both parents describe being swept up in the surreal fairytale that surrounds Michael Jackson.  The “star struck” rationale falls apart pretty quickly when you hear the red flags that were ignored and justified away.  Some warnings were so blatant that it’s amazing the denial even worked.  What happened that caused them to override their instincts that told them behaviors were wrong?  Why did they not become forceful when they felt uncomfortable?  Why would they allow themselves to be pushed out and increasingly denied access to their child?  If there are questions about what criminal endangerment might look like, this story is littered with them.

Wade’s mother, after only knowing Michael for a few hours, allowed her son to stay with him for five days without another family member present.  She was distraught while away from him and expressed a sense of desperation when her calls went unanswered.  I cannot imagine leaving my seven year old without an adult who could serve as an anchor and protector.  It’s even harder to consider letting a man-child be in charge of a juvenile’s well-being!  Yet she did not immediately return to get her son; she continued with the rest of her vacation.  An interviewer asked why she would allow a grown man to have a little boy have sleepovers in his bed.  She explained that Jackson never got a childhood, so he was creating experiences he missed. 

Other flags were just as strange.  Michael began communicating with the children via fax, sending daily notes that included pet names and “love you” messages. These were never addressed to the families, they were addressed to the boys.  Wade’s mother invested so much energy to help foster a relationship between Jackson and her son that she sacrificed the relationships Wade had with his father and brother.  Her marriage even fell apart as her husband felt like he had been replaced with their Jackson infatuation. 

A final bizarre twist occurred when the abuse allegations surfaced.  Both parents questioned their sons about the abuse but did not pursue anything further.  The children should have been interviewed by a specialist who knows how to help coax the facts out.  It is rare that a child would admit what had happened, partly due to the grooming discussed in the previous article.  Supervision should have been constant and all boundaries reviewed to make sure they preserved appropriate child-adult interactions. No matter what answer is given, this is a serious allegation that should NEVER be taken lightly. 

Children are trusting, innocent beings who do not have a concept of sex, let alone the implications abuse will have on their lives.  It is our job as parents and trusted adults to ensure their childhood is preserved.  No matter the strength of the desires and dreams, nor the pressures to compromise, safety must always be a fundamental concern.  As the documentary shows, failing to protect our children can result in years of suffering that impacts all areas of the survivor’s lives. 

A recent documentary, Leaving Neverland, has been making headlines depicting the lives of two men (Wade Robson and Jimmy Safechuck) enduring years of sexual abuse inflicted by Michael Jackson and the rippling effect it has in their lives.  There are elements of the story that might be hard to relate to, living in the glow of a larger than life celebrity.  Private jets, high powered contacts, and Michael’s electrifying charisma, are not experiences most of us have.  Nor are there swarms of people paid to protect and provide for the entertainers every whim, no matter the ethical gymnastics it must take to do so.  At the same time, there are so many elements of their stories that echo the struggles male survivors have when there has been sexual violation. 

Reflection I:  Grooming

It is imperative that people recognize “grooming,” so steps can be taken as soon as possible to protect children.  Grooming is a process of coercion, manipulation, and an imbalance of power for the purpose of sexual exploitation.   A form of brainwashing, the perpetrator presents as positive and attentive, gradually gaining increased access to the child.  Usually unsupervised, there is room to introduce ideas and experiences that lead innocent children to believe that sex is a natural progression of a loving relationship.  This increases the victim’s comfort with the behavior, making it less likely for the secret to get out.  Wade shared that Jackson would give covert signs in public that there was something “special” between them, and then each night, a variety of sex acts would occur as a “normal” part of their routine.

There is a wonderful summary of the gradual process of grooming there, where they identify steps like building trust, reassuring the family, eroding boundaries, creating secrecy, and ensuring compliance.  Here are some examples of the trust building grooming process depicted in the film. Michael:

• Pretended to share common interests, backgrounds, experiences, etc.  He chose young entertainers and of course, children who liked to play.  Imagine what it would be like to have a private amusement park at your disposal. 
• Gave gifts as tokens of friendship.  Both men described shopping sprees without limits and being given props from Jackson’s videos.
• Played games- Jackson had a trainset…. around his bed! 
• Flattered and make the child feel special and somehow indebted. Both men talked about the moment Jackson moved on to a new boy and how they felt crushed by the abandonment.  
• Created increasing forms of physical contact.  There are countless pictures and videos of Michael holding boys hands, putting his arms around them, and leaning in to speak to his favorite boy like two best friends.
• Introduced pornography to seven year-olds.

These behaviors alone can create a ripple effect of confusion that occurs when someone in a position of trust takes the liberty to use another human being for gratification.  If adults in the child’s life can recognize the signs, they can take action early on and hopefully minimize what will be needed to recover.  For those who are willing to speak up, we can hope that our culture will increase supervision and accountability.  This may be an invaluable contribution to keep other children out of harm’s way. 

https://www.usfsa.org/content/Grooming%20behaviors.pdf

https://educateempowerkids.org/8-ways-predator-might-groom-child/ 2 \l

In response to the PTSD article, Pastor Michael Bergman shared another type of painful struggle that may be part of the aftermath:

“There is also “moral injury,” that can be connected with PTSD. Moral injury occurs when “there is a deep seated sense of transgression from violation of moral beliefs.”  There are feelings of shame, grief, meaningless and remorse. Moral injury has been studied most in veterans; however, it could occur in civilians as well.  A short well written book on moral injury with lots of references is, “Soul Repair; Recovering from Moral Injury after War,” by Rita Nakashima Brock and Gabriella Lettini.”https://www.amazon.com/Soul-Repair-Recovering-Moral-Injury/dp/0807029122

Thank you, Pastor Bergman, for your insights and resources!